Unwavering Focus

 ”You pile up enough tomorrows, and you’ll find you are left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays.”- Harold Hill

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I have been really buckling down and getting my school work done. I like going to school as I am around other people with hopes and dreams like myself. I’ve met some pretty intelligent people the last couple of weeks. I do have one complaint about the public education system. I was in my communications class which I’m taking to better myself and my public speaking abilities. The class was selected by me because I was told it will help with my business presentation. I want to able to talk to people and sell houses and products. I expressed my entrepreneurial goals with her to be told “that’s not appropriate for the class”. She was training us to work for someone else.That turned me off for awhile and I began to zone out. “Is this really what she wants us to do?” As I listened to her resume, I knew I was talking to the wrong person about business mentoring. I told her it could be her way now but when I leave that class I’m doing me. I really wanted to take an entrepreneur class but I would need to change my major again. I just went into legal studies this semester so I have to focus on that. After I get this degree then I can go back and take the class. I’m planning on becoming a real estate paralegal so I can learn the legal aspects of owning property and use this to my advantage. The more knowledge I have the better.

In terms of today, I’m feeling good now. I wasn’t having the best morning so I went out and blew off some steam. I worked out so I’m feeling strong. I ran into a cool guy I know on his way to an interview and it gave me so much positive energy. I love people who are hustlers and hard workers. It kept me from getting lazy today. I did some quick work at the library on my cover letter and watched a real estate webinar titled “8 FREE/Dirt cheap marketing strategies to get motivated sellers calling you to sell their homes at a DEEP discount” by Nick Ruiz which you can find here. I learned quite a bit on how to do these deals and signed up for another on Thursday night. Im on the letter “p” so far in the real estate index so I’m working to realize my dream of financial freedom. I want an 8 figure net worth. I’m focused and looking to make my next move.
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*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Letting It All Hang Out…

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I found this funny picture of this cat and couldn’t resist using it to express how vulnerable I’ve made myself to others by putting this blog out there.

My Claim To Fame

I love women. I knew from grade school I was “weird” at least in the eyes of the avid heterosexual back in the 90’s. It was around 3rd or 4th grade that I felt my first attractions to the female gender. My first crushes were 2 lightskin, fair-haired females who were pretty girls but into sports. My concept of beauty at that time was artificial. 

I remember the girls all calling me a “tomboy” as I got a little older now in junior high. I would wear windbreaker pants and vest. The outfit would be topped with the matching headband with the Nike check to the side. As I speak on in my last article here, I idolized Nelly ALOT. I always felt jealous of people who had confidence in themselves. I was never completely happy growing up as a teen female. I could never approach a woman the way I wanted for fear of rejection and ridicule. I recall an incident where a girl who was part of the rainbow crew in my school wore a “Barbie is a Lesbian” t-shirt and it sparked such controversy. You can look at this article here. It scared the crap out of me and chased me further into the closet.

For the next 2 years of my life I pretended to be someone I wasn’t. This included acting like I was attracted to the opposite sex with my loose girl clothes on. I hated the color pink and despised life for not birthing me as a male. I was a homophobe or at least pretended to be to fit in with my friends. It wasn’t up until I couldn’t take it anymore. I was living a great lie. Almost overnight my personality changed. I started to don a different color du-rag on the regular along with some of my dad’s old pants and loose t- shirts. I ended writing a letter to the main chick that I ridiculed telling her my true feelings and asking to be my friend. Long story short she ended up being my first girlfriend. She introduced me to a theater program formally known as “City at Peace NY”. It is now called the Possibility Project and can be found by clicking here. Here is where I learned I could be myself and opened up to the life of the rainbow. There were so many people like myself in the community and the support was rock solid. Even with all that it still did not feel right.

I did not feel somewhat complete until my freshman year in college after I bought my first prosthetic. There was an almost instant relief in my psyche. I could be intimate with a femele the way that I wanted which is through penetration. I would sometimes wear the device on a regular day because I liked how it felt between my legs. I attributed these feelings to “penis envy” and left it at that.

Fast forward about 5 years into around 2011 when I started to look up testosterone supplements. I saw pictures of women with muscular bodies who would dominate physical routines. I looked up the side effects of this stuff and they include some of the following:

Clitoromegaly (enlargement of the clitoris)
Facial hair growth
Deepening of the voice
Male pattern baldness

At the time there was no way that could happen. I thought “How would people look at me? What would my partner think?”. It was not until I was looking up an old friend when I found out my own truth. I saw him in transition and was amazed at his changes. I saw the acronym FTM in his gender category so I googled it and found so many guys who felt like me. The first blog I read was here at Ethan Daniels website. It took me to many other blogs and resources that I have used in my own transition. I learned that it was OK to be who I wanted to be.

Since then I have been on hormones and have transformed my body and spirit. I love who I am today and have had so much relief with my dysphoria as I see the man I want now but I still feel like I’m missing equipment. I want to have Bottom Surgery and I have explain the specifics on on a past blog here. My intimate life has gotten so much better the more I feel like “me” though so I can be a bit patient with this process. I will continue on till my physical transition is over and continue with my spiritual and financial growth. Thanks for reading.

If you’re looking for more transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Next To Every Great Man…

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“there is an even greater woman”. I was sitting here about to write a blog about my celebrity crush Kandi Burress from Housewives of Atlanta when fate happened. I will write about her later and post here.

I received a phone call from my wonderful significant other who happened to be in distress. It’s sometimes hard to get time to talk because of our distance but I appreciate every moment we spend together. I hope I made you feel better honey, just as good as you made me feel today. After our talk this morning I know I found a diamond in the rough. Words like “I know you are capable of doing whatever you put your mind to” graced my ears after my over excessive ranting about ungrateful and selfish people in my life. I love you for your ability to sooth the dragon when it’s raging. You put up with my nonsense and wavering temper and let me know that I put myself in these situations and have no one to blame but myself. I have “learned to learn my lesson” and won’t be making the same mistakes twice. I don’t trust many so easily and I’m not feeling as nice. My heart is hardening with each day that goes by because the world isn’t as peaceful as it seems. I yearn to find my sanctuary and peace of mind on a daily basis as I work towards my goals.

I’m going to leave you with a link to a life changing post that I read today posted here by Healing United Movement. Thanks for reading.

*If you are looking for transition related material look here.
*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

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The Names Bond…James Bond

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OK so I’m not the 007 agent from Mi6 whose classic swagger has saved his life and others over and over again. I am however living my life as a male of transgender experience. Living this life fairly stealth in the beginning to me was stressful at times. I am in a heterosexual relationship with a cisgender female whose family does not know my past and we plan to keep it that way. Cisgender for example means that she associates with her gender from birth. This is one of those subjects that can be very touchy. I’ve heard “you are being deceptive” and “why not?”. Well my girl is very adament that they dont need to know so im happy she is by my side. This is a personal choice you would have to make when dealing with In-Laws. I am not so avid to keep this side of me a secret anymore but I don’t wear a sign on my head either.

I am fairly far into my physical transition as I am around 4 years on testosterone and have had great changes to my body. I’ve also had top surgery which you can look at here. I love the changes I have had and continue to get more confident in myself as the days go by.

*If your looking for transition related material click here

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

“If I told you I’m good probably you will say I’m boasting, but if I tell you I’m no good, you’d know I’m lying” – Bruce Lee

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Entrepreneur?

It is a word that has appealed to me since first hearing it in grade school but I had no idea what it meant. I grew up with ambitions and goals just like everyone else. The difference with myself is that thoughts of business are always on my mind. Success to me is having passive income where I can make money in my sleep and wake up to this….

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I could be watching what is considered “ratchet tv” and think of the money I could be making if I just step outside of the box. It is something that is plaguing my mind every second as I think to myself “things could be better”. I am not some ungrateful human being snobby. I grew up on the bottom.

“Upper class poor” was my father’s definition of our lifestyle. Every Christmas, birthday, or good report card I recall getting some type of Power Ranger toy or video game. So I was blessed in that sense to never be without material things but the hood is outside my door. I was fortunate to go to Disney World as a minor as I found many of my Job Corps family down the line didn’t get to experience that privilege as it was at the time. It wasn’t until I was a courier for UX that I would really see the disparity between African Americans and people of Caucasian descent. In the very nice buildings where I would do the deliveries I would see a majority of other races (Asian, Russian, whatever is “exotic”) and I would say to myself “I deserve to be here too”. The path that I was on as a worker I knew in my heart would never make it possible for me to stay in those buildings where the rent is more then 3 months of my hourly wage at the time. I knew a change had to come.

In a couple weeks my journey into the world of law will commence. I plan on going to the top when it comes to my education. The plan is to use law since it is a well paying field. I want to use my income to start my own gym. I love how working out has helped me to increase my confidence and enhance my looks. I would like to share that energy in a safe place of peace for people to become a better version of themselves. As you can see here I put my money where my mouth was in this case as l molded and shaped my body with exercise. Someday I will use my passions to fuel my dreams. Thanks for reading.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Testosterone Files: Weight Loss as a Transgender Male Pt 2

*Part 1 of this series can be found here

I see a lot of my attention on this blog is directed towards the journey of my weight loss and transformation of my body so I will speak more of that here. I will try to get as in depth as possible to how I did it and how testosterone has contributed to these changes in my life.

When I first started to take t, I was on .5ml per week of inject-able shots. I weighed 190 pounds the day I started.

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The first thing I noticed was the immediate sweat bucket I became. It was a whole lot easier to sweat when doing just about anything. There’s a fond memory of me looking like I ran 10 miles while sitting completely still. Unfortunately, while on the shots you go through all the stages of menopause before menstruation stops occurring. The plus is that the demon has been gone for a very long time. That is one of the perks of life as a male. I started to try to work out before going off to Job Corps and hurt myself. I explain most of the story here on the previous blog. What I didn’t mention is the help I got from a mentor while in the program. He would tell me some of the things I needed to eat to get bigger and get more mass on my body. He also kept encouraging me by offering me gloves and a set of weight straps that I still use to this day. He said to me “you have lost weight and built muscle at the same time”. I know that doesn’t happen very often but I was able to with the help of the testosterone. I appreciated all the help given to me along with everyone else in my life at the time.

When I went off to advanced training I was around 183 pounds but with more definition in my body. I was 1 year and a half on t so I was starting to look very androgynous. I went upstairs to the girls dorm for the first time and this chick immediately ran up to me and says “you’re on the wrong floor”. I knew for a fact by then the t was doing what it was supposed to do. I immediately became best friends with the gym shortly after arriving. I was in a completely different state and open to more change. I had become more active with my increased confidence in myself causing more weight loss. The Insanity DVD was unavailable at first so I started to jog on the treadmill. I was not used to running just yet so I used this as a way to get accumulated. My workout partner at the time and I made up our own workout using some of the moves we had learned from the dvds to keep tight. After enough badgering to the staff, a teacher had the dvd burned for us to use. It would be taken up to dorm where after class and weekends anyone could jump in to get their body right. I had my surgery date set for during the summer break so I went in with my training for the 5 months in DC before the procedure. After I had my top surgery, I can say my appetite was zilch. The tramadol I was prescribed made me feel nauseous as hell so I steered clear of it and I stuck to Tylenol. I’m guessing with the weight taken off my chest and initial recovery of the surgery I lost more weight. I walked in the beginning to stay active and as I got progressively healthy I started to jog on the track by my house. After returning to the center 2 months later, I started jogging on the campus grounds and continued with the insanity workout. I still did not see what I wanted even though weight was consistently lost. After finishing the program, I ended up with a job at a gym where I would work out after my shifts. I was then offered employment with other companies last year and I had to get clean so I worked my ass off. I did not completely diet but I added smoothies to my options of meals around this time.  I ended up taking employment as a courier/messenger. With the months of lifting and carrying packages and garments, any extra weight I had came right off and I was starting to look like a stick figure.  I was 137 pounds at this time. Walking all those city blocks and avenues in a day will really kick your butt! I was also enrolled in school and I took advantage of the free workout sessions during the week. I ended up being laid off from the position a few months ago so I used that time now to work out. I quickly got a gym membership and added some weight back on and now here I am.

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I took this picture in June of this year. As you can see I have done a lot of work. I thank all of the Beachbody products I have used to get myself where I am. Shawn T is my favorite trainer from the organization and I endorse his workouts. I will be updating my about section with pictures and I’ve thought to add my voice changes. As I become more comfortable sharing my transition, I’ll get more personal. Thanks for reading.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

NYC Heatwave

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Wow! I went outside and already sweated out my t shirt smh. I am not complaining as the summer here is short. Next thing you know we will be in the midst of winter looking for the sun to come out and bless us with some heat.

I have just become fond of summer the last few years. Especially as my confidence increases , I don’t mind being half naked outside. I weighed myself expecting a disaster as I have not been working out during my healing process. I have stayed the same weight . I noticed loss of muscle mass but I can’t stress that. I’ll be back!

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.