OMG! He’s Blogging Again

 

I’m done writing long drawn out blogs feeling sorry for myself because people don’t give a fuck.

FOR REAL THEY DON’T!

No one really gives a fuck till it affects them personally. It’s ok though. It’s only human nature to be selfish in order to survive and thrive. I just had to learn this myself.

Pain has encouraged my writing as of late. Keeping it raw and unedited gives me a chance to release all the negative energy on my heart.

I don’t want any baggage that can hold me back anymore. Being completely authentic and laughing in the face of adversity will be my goals from now on. Life is to short to be serious all the time. I use to think I needed approval to make decisions in my life. I also looked to others for my happiness, which was terrible in my book. 

Everything that’s come in my path I appreciate. I wouldn’t be me without them. I feel like life has given me a wake up call with the end of my relationship. I am not where I am supposed to be because of my actions and laziness. I met the woman who I feel regardless of her flaws is the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I just wasn’t ready for her. Being overly emotional and not holding myself accountable for my mistakes has led me here.

I flunked out of college the first time by my own wrongdoing. I lost my focus after my father past away and it was hard for me to find the right path. I was always told to do things and never had to think for myself. This has influenced my thinking to this day. I am working on changing this within myself to live the life that was meant for me. I’m working on saying “no” more and keeping myself happy.

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Rant: Getting Some Things Off My Chest

What grinds my gears is the fact that guys who cheat most of the time have a good lady. He will run all over her. Be the biggest asshole in the world and she manages to stay around. When you for example, go out to the club and you knowingly pick up a chick and bang her while you’re in a relationship I do not agree with that notion. I also do not need/want to be with 1000 women for life to be fulfilled. I however do not judge others with issues of their infidelity. It’s not my demon to face. I only want to please 1 as many as times humanly possible. It’s the attraction I think of the “I can change them” mentality that many people (including myself) have. I see this is not always the case. A man/woman will do what they want until they are ready to commit if ever.  I am a good man and I don’t cheat but most of the guys around me do (or did) and they seem to have gotten off without any backlash. I know I have been a good man and I get lied on about being a cheater which makes no sense to me. All it makes me aware of is that people are watching at all times and I plan on giving them great things to observe and hate on because I will not stop being great. I’m no retaliator because I believe Karma will do everything she needs to do for me.

I’ve been reading this blog of this other transman and his experience with phalloplasty. I must admit it kinda made me really think about the surgery and it scares me. When people are going through embarrassing things and they decide not to post for awhile because of this, it can give the impression that everything is hunky dory when in fact it’s hell on Earth. For example when a guy cannot use the bathroom correctly he may not post it due to anxiety and known technique/surgeon flunkies who blame him for his pain.

I do have a favorite surgeon however and his name is Dr. Curtis Crane in California. I love his team’s technique for the glansplasty and his overall work that I’ve seen so far. I know that going to him does not guarantee a complication free surgery but I believe his team will have the knowledge and experience to fix any problems that arise. I’m happy to be back to my writing on this blog though during this rough semester. School has been kicking my ass but I hope to bounce back soon. Writing makes me happy because it’s my gift. I know it is…I do it well and I’m realizing in order to get the things I want I need to feed more into my gifts. I think sometimes about writing a book. One day at a time…

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

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Da Ganja…Mary Jane Diariez

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(Cough cough)
Im floating…high above the clouds…soaring…flying…Mary wont let me go.

I can’t go a day without thinking about making it big. “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars” I’ve been told. I see myself traveling to Amsterdam. That would be one of the first places I hit. I’d be all in the coffee shops with a native of course smoking my weed till my eyes can’t open.

That’s one thing that I don’t hide from people that know me personally. I love some good ganja. It can get me in the zone. I’ve had sessions with Mary Jane and watched real estate seminars online, along with working out. I’ll smoke a blunt and do a rigorous session of Insanity and before a pull up session. You can see proof of my hard work here. I have yet to have this drug affect my life negatively or have a time which I could not focus or function properly. It’s just hard to completely kick the habit for these jobs I will eventually want. It’s something that I like to do like video games. It’s one of my favorite past times. I’ve seen mostly lower paying, city and/or blue collar jobs with drug testing. I look at many law firms and white collar careers that I would love to work for in the future not require one. What’s up with that? Are these jobs not coveted by job seekers?I believe the issue is the class system at play again. If you can afford to go to school to work in these positions there is no need to test you. If you are from a working class background, this barrier is present. It is this level of unfairness that keeps many qualified people out of work just because we prefer an herbal stress reliever after a long day. I’m only speaking for the potheads out there.

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I’ve been saying I’d vote for Bernie Sanders if he ends up running for President. His trump card in this for me is Marijuana Legelization.

I’ll write more in depth about him next time I’m online. Thanks for reading.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Dead Weight

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It has been a minute since I’ve posted and I can tell you life has been hectic. Right now though I’m in a very good place. I’ve never felt this great in my life. I’ve been dropping all the dead weight and I can tell you it has been instant zen. Negativity will only attach itself to you if you allow it into your presence and life through the form of people and things. I have decluttified my closet and my life. So called friends and family will not be allowed to get into my head and affect all of the progress I have made these last few months.
Midterms have come and gone and now we are moving into the final half of the semester. I am passing all my classes and doing my thing.

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So as you can see I had a great birthday. It was about 2 weeks ago and I’m still celebrating. Anyway my sweetheart made sure she was available to be with me for my special day. I was taken out for food and drinks in the city and I can tell you it was nothing short of amazing. The feelings that I have been experiencing are coming from a place that even I am failing to be able to analyze. I am usually able to control my emotions and get a grasp of what’s going on internally but not this time. I never thought someone like this could exist. I thought I would just have to settle with what I had because no one’s perfect…until I met her. She’s my heart doctor nursing all my wounds and patching me up. I’ve never met someone so giving, caring and she LISTENS to what I have to say.

I was told by this special woman “you’ve been hurt so bad that you can’t see when you have something good right in front of you”. My heart has no doubt been broken into tiny little pieces that I’m still trying to pull together. My last relationships have left me with unbelievable insecurities. In my last relationship, I felt very alone if not abandoned in what was supposed to be my future everything. I would feel very ugly and insignificant because of the lack of love and affection I used to receive. My ex was a snake that drained me of my energy. I love very hard in my relationships and I expect a certain level of a return when putting out my all. I’m not worried about that anymore as my goals come into fruition. I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

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*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Hot like Fire

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I’ve been spending some time with a very beautiful person inside and out. Incredible in many ways…She’s so giving and such a sweetheart. It took some magic to soften that hardened Brooklyn exterior that life has helped to create. Once you get past that, her gentleness, and that oh so sexy femininity shows itself and intertwines with my masculinity to create something more then just casual intimacy. Her curves are out of this world. I’ve ridden them all the way around the bend and I can tell you every second was ecstasy. It’s like a whirlwind of emotions has come through to leave us both very confused to what we want.

It all started with a date to the village. I was celebrating my father’s birthday with some good ol’ Mary Jane and some sultry old school Sade. “Sweetest Taboo” is one of my favorite songs that I remember my father always listening to those days he would be cleaning up the house. On his birthdays since he passed away, I usually just chill by myself and reflect on life and where I want to go. This year I was expecting a level of comfort from people that I did not get and I felt I deserved. I had happened to start talking to this young lady some days before after my neighbors had a party. That night we talked about many things including Trans Male Penis size which you can find here. It was something about her that I couldn’t help but be attracted to this woman. We talked and I was feeling the vibe I couldn’t help but ask to stay connected.

Fast forward to last weekend of my dad’s birthday we went to hang out in the village and she showed me new things I’ve never been exposed to. We did some bar hopping, ate some good ass food and got some massages. We ended up back at my house where she dozed off in my arms. We woke up to spend time together just chatting about finances and the SEC. But then it just got real hot…we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and just had to stop it all before it went to far. She had to leave on business and I was left with a hard one and her on my mind.

A day went by and she was supposed to be off on the business trip. She is an accountant and was going off with her firm to do training. Life that day made sure we would be able to see each other. She was not able to get on her flight and had time to see me as I live right by the airport. She came by and that internal Scorpio flame inside me could not be tamed. We could not keep our hands off each other and ended up going the absolute distance. It was so hot in that place! By the time everything was said and done, I was left with something inside me stirring that I haven’t felt in a long time. She left and went on her trip and I was feeling so good. We talked the whole time she was away and even met up when she came back. We just spent the last few days together…It was amazing! I’m not really sure what’s going on right now with this situation but I’m just going to enjoy the company of this beautiful woman and cherish the moments.

It is so refreshing to actually feel stress free and open to change. I do have excess baggage in the background but I’m not going to allow that to diminish my future blessings. Just one weekend has strengthened my values and it gave me that extra pep I’ve been needing. I definitely will not be taking anymore crap from women in relationships. If a woman is not looking to build and grow with me I’m going to go elsewhere with my time because I know my worth. This one right here is my complete opposite.

What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness.

John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley: In Search of America

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*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

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Bringing the Blog Up To Speed…

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I was on a roll with this blog before school got so intense. I’ve been spending my time living life instead of dwelling in the digital. Right now, I have been doing well in school. I find myself actually excelling in the “world of academia”. I was very skeptical when I started due to the money I’d have to put out. I decided to head on back to my old CUNY school to keep costs as low as possible. I don’t plan on letting student loan debt become something that cramps my lifestyle by only taking out as much as I need. Next semester when I qualify for more aid, I’m going to save the grants in a bank account so that when I finish my first degree, I can buy my first property. Spending money to increase your future net worth is more then worth it. This all started with life giving me an answer through my long time friend and brother on the phone. I haven’t seen him in years but I know he meant well when he told me to go back to school. I’m so happy and blessed that I listened. I must say it has given me my mojo back. My self-esteem and spirit have grown immensely in the last couple of months. I feel strong and I’m learning my worth. I refuse to settle for subpar relationships and quality of life. I had a female contact me today feeling some type of way after being deleted a while back. I’m not looking for any more random friends on my page nor am I looking to waste my time. We messaged back and forth maybe twice before I didn’t get a response for days. I don’t chase after women like they are objects so that didn’t phase me. I used to get my confidence from outside of my being and I see that was the problem in itself. I have to love myself to get the authentic passion that I deserve. Rejection or failure in those things have taught me lessons that I should’ve learned but I’m starting to get now. Being a man is more then just the physical aspects. It’s an all around lifestyle being able to provide and lead for myself and my family on a daily basis. I’m very traditional when it comes to gender roles so I need a wife whose not afraid to be submissive but has a backbone not to put up with my bs. She has to be willing to mother and nurture my children while I work at least until they are of pre-school age. Then I could feel more at ease with letting them into the watchful eyes of a stranger.

I passed both the court officer and BTO exams while in the process for applying for more city tests. I’m very tempted to take the NYPD exam when they start to offer it again. I was explaining to a friend that I feel like I’d be going against some sort of inner code by taking that oath. It’s internalized oppression affecting my thoughts even though I know better than that. It’s a great stable job with benefits that I could use as a stepping stone to get to the next level in my life. It will all just require patience and chess like decision-making on my part. I need be able to fit my bottom surgery into all of this as well. I know that I wont be content until I can wake up and feel physically completely whole. I work everyday until I can revel in that feeling.

I do have my hysto pre-surgical appointment coming up so this is a step forward for my transition. This is something I’m going to have to do to be able to have the bottom surgical procedure that I want. You can read all about that here. Life has been giving me so much positive energy I’m guessing to balance out the extreme lows I’ve felt and right now I am content. I haven’t reached the plateau just yet but I will keep trying until I make it.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas Edison

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Unwavering Focus

 ”You pile up enough tomorrows, and you’ll find you are left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays.”- Harold Hill

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I have been really buckling down and getting my school work done. I like going to school as I am around other people with hopes and dreams like myself. I’ve met some pretty intelligent people the last couple of weeks. I do have one complaint about the public education system. I was in my communications class which I’m taking to better myself and my public speaking abilities. The class was selected by me because I was told it will help with my business presentation. I want to able to talk to people and sell houses and products. I expressed my entrepreneurial goals with her to be told “that’s not appropriate for the class”. She was training us to work for someone else.That turned me off for awhile and I began to zone out. “Is this really what she wants us to do?” As I listened to her resume, I knew I was talking to the wrong person about business mentoring. I told her it could be her way now but when I leave that class I’m doing me. I really wanted to take an entrepreneur class but I would need to change my major again. I just went into legal studies this semester so I have to focus on that. After I get this degree then I can go back and take the class. I’m planning on becoming a real estate paralegal so I can learn the legal aspects of owning property and use this to my advantage. The more knowledge I have the better.

In terms of today, I’m feeling good now. I wasn’t having the best morning so I went out and blew off some steam. I worked out so I’m feeling strong. I ran into a cool guy I know on his way to an interview and it gave me so much positive energy. I love people who are hustlers and hard workers. It kept me from getting lazy today. I did some quick work at the library on my cover letter and watched a real estate webinar titled “8 FREE/Dirt cheap marketing strategies to get motivated sellers calling you to sell their homes at a DEEP discount” by Nick Ruiz which you can find here. I learned quite a bit on how to do these deals and signed up for another on Thursday night. Im on the letter “p” so far in the real estate index so I’m working to realize my dream of financial freedom. I want an 8 figure net worth. I’m focused and looking to make my next move.
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*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

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