It is a point in time when everything you thought you knew or had in your control is leaving. When you enter into a place of the unknown where you are at life’s mercy. I want to be happy ,do cartwheels, throw a fist into the air. On the other hand I want to cry, curl up into a ball, run into my mom or wifeys arms and be held like a little boy. I feel so much like my childhood is ending and the feeling is oh so bittersweet.
I actually wrote that last paragraph when I thought I was leaving in a mere 4 days for my job program. I am going to be leaving for unit 9 in a couple more weeks now as I had the time extended to handle my health and financial issues before I am thrown to the wolves. My mom has offered to help me with such endeavors I guess to make the process as smooth as possible for me. I am so blessed and cursed to have the mom that I have but I guess I could not have asked for any better. She has given me what she could and I appreciate everything that I have been given and obtained from her. I feel I will miss this life when I am gone but I must continue to move forward and live through this life the best I can for me and my future family.
It has been a very long hiatus from here and so much has changed. I am currently unemployed and looking for my calling in life. I really do not want to just jump into a job because of money. I want to get up every morning and be motivated and excited to get up and go make my money. I do not want to be in a cubicle or work for anyone else ever again for that matter. I do know that before you can be the master you have to be the student first since I was not born with a silver spoon in my hand. I have to work from the turf up to build my 30 floor skyscraper. I really want to get into real estate but have no idea how to do it the right way.
Well let me get off ranting about my life. In terms of my transition. I have been off t for 2 weeks. I ran out of meds and had no money to get more till recently and Saturday I will back on it. I am excited to see more changes happen. I am not as horny and have had a break from all the pimples and sweating. That is the best part of being off the hormone for some time. I can see the difference it makes to be on both sides of the spectrum. It feels like a blessing to have this opportunity to
have lived the life of a young woman and grow into and adult male. I like the way my arms are coming along. They look like
they are getting a nice cut to them but it seems like my stomach
is very stubborn like its owner. I plan on this winter to keep
busy and work out. I want to be muscular in the next two summers.
As for my voice sometimes I can sound like a little girl then a
pubescent boy. It can be depressing that my transition is moving
a bit slow but hey I was told it may take 5 years to get where I
want so time to play the waiting game.
When it comes to surgery I am really starting to look at bottom
surgery very seriously. New techniques and forms are coming
together very quickly as I would have hoped and maybe just maybe
I will end up with a naturally erecting penis. I want a phallo to be my end result though. I am considering a meta first though to be a stepping stone but I feel I have plenty time to think about it. Anyway
I am not really to sure anymore which type of phallo as I come upon more information I have been left kind of clueless. It will
be a few more years till that happens but It is well worth the
wait to see more advancements.
So I am at home by myself. This has become a daily occurrence for me as I wake up in the morning with my mother already gone to work. I miss her sometimes. I guess I didn’t fully appreciate all the time I spent with her as a child when she did not have a job. She took care of me at home while I was little as I believe she lived at her parents house in my early years. I sometimes get to spend time with my wifey R when she works in the afternoon. If not, she leaves the house a couple hours after my mother and works 6-8 hours at a time. As you can see I have a lot of time to my lonesome. I do get lonely but being an only child in my younger years has helped me learn to cope with being alone. I have my ps3 to play but its not interesting anymore because I do not have the game Infamous which I really want. I sometimes hate being jobless because I can’t buy all the things I want all at once but my mom taught me patience which is something I am having to use for almost everything in life at this point. I am a transitioning African American who lives in the hood. (Smiles) I wouldn’t have it any other way. I was raised here and have come out pretty decent I say. Anyone who blames the hood for making them completely who they are can just blame being weak-willed for letting a place and other people on the outside of themselves control them. I am going to do my thing regardless of what any of these people think. Wow I guess I am maturing. I would’ve never thought I would have the courage to feel and say all things I want to say.
Anyway I am on unemployment and getting paid every week. It can get depressing I feel because it is not enough for my lifestyle. I want 3 cars and a big house. I want to go on vacations every summer and have free time. I do not want to be stuck at a job with hours given to me for the next 30 years of my life. I want to have my own hours and make all the money back. I am worth more the some wage an hour. I am giving up my valuable time that is not infinite to someones company and helping them keep their millions of dollars. Why can’t I do the same? Now I do not want to make jobs that are similar to slavery but similar to those big name jobs. Everyone treated fairly and given time off if earned. I want my employees to learn the value of work but have lives at the same time. I want my company to be somewhere where I would want to work if I ever wanted to join the workforce which I don’t so I guess I will never know. I plan on going on employment next summer so I can have free time then as well with the luxury of still getting paid.Well I am off this to watch some transition videos on youtube. I plan on taking my own videos off private real soon. No idea when but soon. Off to live my life….