Celibacy: A Journey Into The Unknown

The definition of celibacy according to Oxford dictionary means to abstain from marraige and sexual relations typically for religious reasons.

This guy right here (meaning me in case you happened to give a fuck) is not religious at all. Since my early 20’s I’ve broken free of Catholicism. Mom dukes had me getting my ashes for Lent from as early as I can remember. When I began to learn about how the world really works I look at everything now with the lens of having taken the red pill.

The world and everything in it is not what it appears to be. This whole system is fucked up. I’ll rant on another blog about that though.

I am contemplating very much to not engaging in sexual activity for a month at a time. This will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Sex should be my middle name. I’m thinking about it most of the time.

Before I started transitioning to a male, my libido was on fire! Now with the addition of the testosterone, my shit is on 1000 at all times.

Embracing my sexual urges has made me the freak that I am. I know from past lovers themselves I can get really nasty in bed but my thoughts can be out of control sometimes. It has led me to deal with shit unimaginable. Had I been thinking with my head instead of my dick, there wouldve been a TON of things that could’ve been avoided.

Shit is cool though.

Celibacy I hope will help me connect deeper within myself and elevate to a higher vibration. Just making myself uncomfortable will make me grow!

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here

So Much Change

As of right now I am single again.

My ex fiance broke up with me in December. Before that me and her had been relatively on and off for months last year. We were together since November 2015.

It was like a whirlwind romance. 

Everything happened so fast. We went from dating to engaged all within the first year. I essentially jumped off a cliff asking her to marry me the way that I did. Risk should be my middle name as I dive off of cliffs without fear hoping for water that doesn’t cut me up at the bottom. In hindsight, I can see that now.

In my head, I was like this is who I am going to be with. It made me comfortable. The way that I grew up with my dad having HIV which eventually turned to AIDS kept me content with just sexing one person at a time. This is what I’m accustomed too.

Not only do I not have the urge to fuck random women, that shit terrifies me. There are so many sexually transmitted diseases, and infections out here.

One of my worse fears is to end up like my father in the way that he died. He was 53 and had a stroke in the middle of the night. His body was so weak from years of fighting the disease. I saw a picture of him a few years ago from around the time that he passed. He looked so different than I remember him.

It was so traumatizing to see. His face was basically caved in and he looked very sick. He died when I was a teenager. I guess I blocked out those images in my mind.

I love everything else about him. He was a great father to me and was always present with so much love. I got whatever I wanted.

Anyway back to the me venting about a marriage that will never happen…

We probably should’ve broken up a long time ago but I will say at least on my end I was comfortable in love with her.

I always thought that love would keep shit together like it had done my grandparents.

They physically fought and it was okay right?

Their marraige ended up lasting 50 something odd years even with apparent moments of domestic violence.

Growing up hearing this I feel I internalized what they had went through as “okay” when in fact it was very toxic at least in that area. My parents had become close to getting physical numerous times as well and they did not have a happy loving marriage.

Just dealing with all this stuff alone has made me want to build a stable healthy foundation for the next generation if I have the choice one day to become a dad. I used to talk about having kids a lot. Now I dont know if I can trust anyone to get attached to like that.

My ex also sent me a positive pregnancy test in the last few days. That shit really has thrown me for a loop. This woman knows how I’ve felt about having kids with the right person one day and giving them the whole world. We explored all of these thoughts by going to the GYN, finding out her ovulation date, and talking about the future.

All that shit I’m writing seems like a dream that I know existed. So many fucking memories in my head. I have to let go of. Shit hurts so much because of how I love.

When I give myself to someone they get all of me and then some. I dont know if I’ll ever find someone like that out there.

As many friends as I have, and my mom just downstairs I feel like I exist alone in my own reality. No one can understand how I’m feeling. Most people are out here trying to live for themselves.

Will I find love again? I don’t know….

Will I be open to it when or if it shows up? I don’t know…

I don’t want to put my hands on a woman ever again though. I admit in my younger 20’s I hit one of my exes. We dated for 6 years before she left me for a “real man” she said. That’s another story.

I never felt so bad in my life about hitting her. My anger had gotten the best of me. She had made me so mad but that didn’t warrant my reaction.

I also got into many fights with the last person I was with. This time I was never the aggressor. I felt I had to defend myself against this woman. My parents raised me to not let anyone punk or put their hands on me.

However now as a 31 year old transgender male of color I know I can’t be out here doing that shit nor do I want too.

Peace is all I have ever asked for in my life.

I just want my heart to heal.

I vow to never put my hands on a woman again but to try to walk away as long as I’m not being attacked. I will defend myself if in a life or death situation but if it’s not that the plan is to leave with my head held up high.

The only time I want to touch a woman from now on is when I’m hot for her or fucking. I’ve had to stop being touchy feely like I was when I presented female. I felt people were more friendly and open to me being a bit physical as a female.

As a male not so much. I happen to be a person of color as well so I will not pretend to not know how the world looks at me on a scale.

As a black man I’m sure I’m seen as aggressive, uneducated, out of control, illiterate, unpolished and the list goes on. This post isn’t meant to be a huge rant about black men. Just speaking my mind.

In terms of my transition, things couldn’t be better. I’ve completed both top surgery in 2013 and had a hysterectomy in 2015. If you’re interested in reading about my top surgery enter here.

Bottom surgery is a currently postponed till further notice. I’m working as a part of a real estate investing team. The money that I plan to make with transactions through the team and real estate flips will pay for surgery. I’ve set this goal. I just need to get it in motion.

I think I’m done rambling.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Wal-Mart of Weed

I always have so many different ideas of what I want to do in World of Business.

The future for me is to have a storefront that sells marijuana at wholesale/retail prices.

It will be JOYOUS to get up and go to work everyday!

Imagine going to YOUR OWN business everyday and doing something that you love and feel passionate about?

It wouldn’t even feel like work…

Amazing can’t even describe the feeling one must have to do that.

I just have to keep speaking my light into existance.

There are so many things I want to be able to provide to my family. Whether it be through weed, real estate and clothing, imma get this bread.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Fatty McFatFat

Why am I fat again?

I originally looked like this before I started doing the Insanity workout in 2012.

These are also pics before my top surgery so bare with me.

I did all that work from 2012- 2014 to look like this…

I speak about my original weight loss here. My top surgery was completed by Dr. Weiss in NYC. I speak of that experience here.

Now in 2018 this is me..

That’s two different people there!

I am just in complete utter shock at how much weight I’ve gained.

I’ve been through the ringer in my life to this point since 2014. I’ve lost friends, lovers and my own self respect.

Just in December, I got hurt at work so this has limited me even further in the work that I can do. My diet was crap because I was so depressed with my lack of movement. I used food as a means to get pleasure when I was bored or stressed.

Now there’s Fatty McFatFat!

The next 60 days, I’m going to work on changing my life around. Getting arms and back definition is highly important to me as a man.

Things can’t stay the same!

Growth and progress forward is the only option.

On another note, I am currently messing around with the idea of a clothing line. It could be a great personal venture for me.

My clothing will be a way to present my individuality to the world.

This may even cause me to come out eventually and not live as a stealth transman.

I have to give even less fucks and do what I have to do. This could be my gold mine in disguise!

Just think of the possibilities!

Everyone has something unique about oneself. At times for me that’s the biggest thing I feel that sets me apart from others. Being a transgender male that is.

I am not ashamed of transitioning at all. That would be a pussy move.

Embracing my status internally has always worked for me. I may need to rethink some of my thoughts. I know my thinking originated from fear which I need to overcome to live my best life possible.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

 Ughh!!! What A Drag! 

I was reading some of my old blogs….

          THEY WERE BORING!

I SEE WHY no one would want to read those long ass passages. I’m also seeing why I was left out of a lot of shit coming up. 

I tried so hard to not be an overbearing asshole like my parents….

I forgot who I was and what I needed out of life. A little mixture of nice and asshole has led me to become a nasshole.

Yea I know its a bit corny but let me explain…

A little bit of both in life can save you time, money and heartbreak from all types of relationships. You will happily avoid all assholes, manipulators, and energy vampires.

I have definitely learned my lesson to laugh at evil and keep it moving. NOTHING is worth the millions of dollars I’ll make in the future.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

When Demons Attract…

It’s dark down there…
Be careful or you might fall in with me…

My demon has had time to manifest so much energy in my life. I know for a fact he’s been fucking these girls I’ve been with…
He has a need that can’t be fulfilled easily…

Internal pain is what I have shared with others in my short life. It felt oh so good to feed from that energy…into that nectar…so intoxicating…endless.

It’s good to be bad.

Until it overflows onto life…not just in the bed where the juices were spilled and sucked up. 

That pussy was oh so good…

Hitting raw…

Cumming inside…

Feeding on all that sexual energy…

I will feel it again…

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.


 My Letter to Love Lost

Dear Love Lost,

Soul searching led me to write this to you. I have realized being the knight in shining armor was ABSOLUTE WRONG approach to keeping you. 

I never learned from REAL MEN what exactly a MAN is. I learned out in the streets just as my male friends did…and from tv. 

On a downward spiral this led me…to you. Now I can only blame myself for how I acted. I was not the best example of a person because I got sucked in. Just as deep as the void in my heart I had before we became 1…its left even emptier moreso now that you’re gone.

I won’t be losing anymore love. My heart is shut to it…

Vulnerability gets no respect…

You put yourself out there to get hurt when being to nice.

Life is a bitch but she won’t be to me anymore. Pain has made me darker. I don’t need anyone. I need more money. I won’t be going hard or showing anymore love to anyone.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

OMG! He’s Blogging Again

 

I’m done writing long drawn out blogs feeling sorry for myself because people don’t give a fuck.

FOR REAL THEY DON’T!

No one really gives a fuck till it affects them personally. It’s ok though. It’s only human nature to be selfish in order to survive and thrive. I just had to learn this myself.

Pain has encouraged my writing as of late. Keeping it raw and unedited gives me a chance to release all the negative energy on my heart.

I don’t want any baggage that can hold me back anymore. Being completely authentic and laughing in the face of adversity will be my goals from now on. Life is to short to be serious all the time. I use to think I needed approval to make decisions in my life. I also looked to others for my happiness, which was terrible in my book. 

Everything that’s come in my path I appreciate. I wouldn’t be me without them. I feel like life has given me a wake up call with the end of my relationship. I am not where I am supposed to be because of my actions and laziness. I met the woman who I feel regardless of her flaws is the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I just wasn’t ready for her. Being overly emotional and not holding myself accountable for my mistakes has led me here.

I flunked out of college the first time by my own wrongdoing. I lost my focus after my father passed away. It was hard for me to find the right path after he was called home.

 I was always told to do things and NEVER had to think for myself. This influences my thinking to this day. I am working on changing this to live the life that was meant for me. I’m working on saying “no” more and keeping myself happy.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Lightskin Chronicles 

“Mama is a “saint”, yes she raised me real good
All because of her I don’t do you like I should
Don’t make me give you back to the hood
Don’t make me give you back”

Drake always in his feelings on his albums. Singing and getting all emotional and shit. I get it…we are both October scorpios so I understand all that gushy stuff. 

Chris Brown is another example. Bugging the fuck out over a woman. They get you in your feelings like that. Leave it to the lightskin folk to get out of pocket.

Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t so nice. My parents raised me to “treat others like you want to be treated.” Now my mother isn’t the easiest person to get to know or a saint but who is on this Earth? Once you get past the thick skin she has, everything is usually cool. She has been amazing when it comes to my transition. Her insurance paid for my top surgery which you can read about here. Dad on the other hand was a character and such a joy to be around. I was talking to an old friend the other day and he mentioned having “fond memories” of my father being a happy person. Oh how I could use the positive energy right now. 

Anyway the point of this post is to explain my issue with being just a bit too nice and having an extremely big heart even when I shouldn’t. I’ve had some extremely fucked up shit happen to me. I wonder how these same people would react if I treated them the exact same way. Even when I feel like spazzing the fuck out, I’m learning to implement keeping it cool. I’ve been told I have an attitude and an anger problem which I don’t dispute. Only when I feel i’m being provoked do I go that route. I do not take disrespect too nicely. Very rarely have I shown this side of me to people. You really have to keep pushing my buttons for me to bug out. I take quite a beating before I start going off. The little things add up to me. I don’t like pettyness and people who have the inability to listen. This really grinds my gears. This is because I consider myself a very good listener and I work very hard at this skill to prevent miscommunication. My old theater program had us listen to the life stories of everyone in the cast. It was an exercise to strengthen this much needed skill that I use to focus in class now. 

https://youtu.be/pKEh8SezV08

Formally known as City at Peace NY, this program is where I first started to fully express myself as a “stud.” I would wear all masculine clothing, and dated a “feminine” female. This is how I prefer my women to be. The cast would make frequent trips to the village and hang out. The village in NYC is considered very “LGBT” friendly and this is the spot to go if you want to express pride in your rainbow affiliation. After 16 years, I finally started to feel like I could present myself as me. We would be together for many nights after school and weekends for 8 months out of the year. 4 years I stayed in the program. I do not regret it. I made many friends who I still speak with once in a while to this very day. 


I bring up the program now known as “The Possibility Project” because I feel it saved my life by keeping me off the street during my transition from teen to young adult. A nice chuck of my patience and ability to deal with different types of people come from here so I am eternally grateful. My parents have WAY LESS patience then I do. I praise the program for my over abundance of empathy. Having great mentors around me in tune with themselves was a blessing. 


I’m a big believer in things happening in sync. Today I’m posting my 113th post on 3/11. I have also had the “pleasure” of working at 311 this past summer. I would’ve still been there but I left on my own. It didn’t fit into my school schedule at all. I needed that extra study time. Anyway I’m hoping the universe will give me a sign of something today. It needs to be big. Thanks for reading.

“I just wanna let you know that someone love you back
All the Cadillac, like I’m Teddy Pendergrass
Whippin’ on this shit I’m getting ready, where you at?
Riding…”

(I UPLOADED THE POST AT 3:11 AM)

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

The Hottest Love Has the Coldest End

It was like the greatest high I ever felt…then you crash back down to the Earth. Harder then before…your heart is heavy from all the pain. I’ve been letting myself feel my emotions as of late. I cried today while listening to music. I want so bad to just have someone who won’t give up on me. A person who can be empathetic to my mistakes. One day I hope to be someone’s husband and baby father. Security is what I’m searching for now in my life. I don’t want to be around anything that doesn’t bring the best out of me at all times. I’m just tired of fighting. Seems like shit is always to the extreme and it’s pissing me off. I’m in my feelings right now and my mind is all over the place. I don’t know what to do. 

I don’t want love right now. The shit hurts too damn bad. I don’t want the emotions and everything that comes with it. 

I do miss the look in her eye when she tells me “I love you”. Holding her waist ever so gently and pulling her close meant the world to me. With those hips I saw one who could bear my seed and we raise them up together.  I would imagine a star studded wedding with me waiting for her down the aisle. I would see that white gown and tear up as I saw her coming towards me. I would tell her the vows that I wrote and hold her hand. Pulling the veil up to kiss those soft lips.  She becoming my Queen and I her King. I kneel before my bride and kiss her hand. I do believe now that all that was a dream. 

I hate feeling like I was set up. All she saw was herself. I hate how life flashes what I want in my face like some kind of a joke. I saw perfection while she saw deception. 


[Jhene Aiko – Chorus]
“You had to change up the game
Oh the weather is not the same
Now there’s only cloudy days
I can’t stand the rain in July
Oh July
There were fireworks exploding (exploding)
But now it’s getting colder
The leaves are turning colors
Why, it’s just not our season
The one and only reason
Baby oh baby oh
Our summer turned into fall

[Drake – Verse 2]
Damn, tell me where did all the magic go
I followed all the rules and told you everything you had to know
Had you over every night, every night was passionate
Plus you met my mother even if it was an accident
I’m confused tell me where we go wrong
I was sure that I would be with you so long
I was planning on this being something worth mentioning
Energy invested in someone I saw potential in
Who killed Chivalry they need to get their sentencing
Meanwhile we arguing and I can’t get a sentence in
And just as I predicted here we go again
They always say the hottest love has the coldest end

[Chorus]

[Jhene Aiko]
See its funny ’cause I never thought this would end but then the season changed
[Drake]
You were my, you were my, you were my girl (I was your girl)
Should’ve made, should’ve made, should’ve made you my World
Should’ve made you everything to make you happy baby
[Jhene Aiko]
Can’t wait for, can’t wait for, can’t wait for springtime
And I will turn into a butterfly
I will spread my wings and fly


https://youtu.be/G7m8dfVWLc8

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.


*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.