OMG! He’s Blogging Again

 

I’m done writing long drawn out blogs feeling sorry for myself because people don’t give a fuck.

FOR REAL THEY DON’T!

No one really gives a fuck till it affects them personally. It’s ok though. It’s only human nature to be selfish in order to survive and thrive. I just had to learn this myself.

Pain has encouraged my writing as of late. Keeping it raw and unedited gives me a chance to release all the negative energy on my heart.

I don’t want any baggage that can hold me back anymore. Being completely authentic and laughing in the face of adversity will be my goals from now on. Life is to short to be serious all the time. I use to think I needed approval to make decisions in my life. I also looked to others for my happiness, which was terrible in my book. 

Everything that’s come in my path I appreciate. I wouldn’t be me without them. I feel like life has given me a wake up call with the end of my relationship. I am not where I am supposed to be because of my actions and laziness. I met the woman who I feel regardless of her flaws is the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I just wasn’t ready for her. Being overly emotional and not holding myself accountable for my mistakes has led me here.

I flunked out of college the first time by my own wrongdoing. I lost my focus after my father past away and it was hard for me to find the right path. I was always told to do things and never had to think for myself. This has influenced my thinking to this day. I am working on changing this within myself to live the life that was meant for me. I’m working on saying “no” more and keeping myself happy.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Lightskin Chronicles 

“Mama is a “saint”, yes she raised me real good
All because of her I don’t do you like I should
Don’t make me give you back to the hood
Don’t make me give you back”

Drake always in his feelings on his albums. Singing and getting all emotional and shit. I get it…we are both October scorpios so I understand all that gushy stuff. 

Chris Brown is another example. Bugging the fuck out over a woman. They get you in your feelings like that. Leave it to the lightskin folk to get out of pocket.

Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t so nice. My parents raised me to “treat others like you want to be treated.” Now my mother isn’t the easiest person to get to know or a saint but who is on this Earth? Once you get past the thick skin she has, everything is usually cool. She has been amazing when it comes to my transition. Her insurance paid for my top surgery which you can read about here. Dad on the other hand was a character and such a joy to be around. I was talking to an old friend the other day and he mentioned having “fond memories” of my father being a happy person. Oh how I could use the positive energy right now. 

Anyway the point of this post is to explain my issue with being just a bit too nice and having an extremely big heart even when I shouldn’t. I’ve had some extremely fucked up shit happen to me. I wonder how these same people would react if I treated them the exact same way. Even when I feel like spazzing the fuck out, I’m learning to implement keeping it cool. I’ve been told I have an attitude and an anger problem which I don’t dispute. Only when I feel i’m being provoked do I go that route. I do not take disrespect too nicely. Very rarely have I shown this side of me to people. You really have to keep pushing my buttons for me to bug out. I take quite a beating before I start going off. The little things add up to me. I don’t like pettyness and people who have the inability to listen. This really grinds my gears. This is because I consider myself a very good listener and I work very hard at this skill to prevent miscommunication. My old theater program had us listen to the life stories of everyone in the cast. It was an exercise to strengthen this much needed skill that I use to focus in class now. 

https://youtu.be/pKEh8SezV08

Formally known as City at Peace NY, this program is where I first started to fully express myself as a “stud.” I would wear all masculine clothing, and dated a “feminine” female. This is how I prefer my women to be. The cast would make frequent trips to the village and hang out. The village in NYC is considered very “LGBT” friendly and this is the spot to go if you want to express pride in your rainbow affiliation. After 16 years, I finally started to feel like I could present myself as me. We would be together for many nights after school and weekends for 8 months out of the year. 4 years I stayed in the program. I do not regret it. I made many friends who I still speak with once in a while to this very day. 


I bring up the program now known as “The Possibility Project” because I feel it saved my life by keeping me off the street during my transition from teen to young adult. A nice chuck of my patience and ability to deal with different types of people come from here so I am eternally grateful. My parents have WAY LESS patience then I do. I praise the program for my over abundance of empathy. Having great mentors around me in tune with themselves was a blessing. 


I’m a big believer in things happening in sync. Today I’m posting my 113th post on 3/11. I have also had the “pleasure” of working at 311 this past summer. I would’ve still been there but I left on my own. It didn’t fit into my school schedule at all. I needed that extra study time. Anyway I’m hoping the universe will give me a sign of something today. It needs to be big. Thanks for reading.

“I just wanna let you know that someone love you back
All the Cadillac, like I’m Teddy Pendergrass
Whippin’ on this shit I’m getting ready, where you at?
Riding…”

(I UPLOADED THE POST AT 3:11 AM)

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

The Hottest Love Has the Coldest End

It was like the greatest high I ever felt…then you crash back down to the Earth. Harder then before…your heart is heavy from all the pain. I’ve been letting myself feel my emotions as of late. I cried today while listening to music. I want so bad to just have someone who won’t give up on me. A person who can be empathetic to my mistakes. One day I hope to be someone’s husband and baby father. Security is what I’m searching for now in my life. I don’t want to be around anything that doesn’t bring the best out of me at all times. I’m just tired of fighting. Seems like shit is always to the extreme and it’s pissing me off. I’m in my feelings right now and my mind is all over the place. I don’t know what to do. 

I don’t want love right now. The shit hurts too damn bad. I don’t want the emotions and everything that comes with it. 

I do miss the look in her eye when she tells me “I love you”. Holding her waist ever so gently and pulling her close meant the world to me. With those hips I saw one who could bear my seed and we raise them up together.  I would imagine a star studded wedding with me waiting for her down the aisle. I would see that white gown and tear up as I saw her coming towards me. I would tell her the vows that I wrote and hold her hand. Pulling the veil up to kiss those soft lips.  She becoming my Queen and I her King. I kneel before my bride and kiss her hand. I do believe now that all that was a dream. 

I hate feeling like I was set up. All she saw was herself. I hate how life flashes what I want in my face like some kind of a joke. I saw perfection while she saw deception. 


[Jhene Aiko – Chorus]
“You had to change up the game
Oh the weather is not the same
Now there’s only cloudy days
I can’t stand the rain in July
Oh July
There were fireworks exploding (exploding)
But now it’s getting colder
The leaves are turning colors
Why, it’s just not our season
The one and only reason
Baby oh baby oh
Our summer turned into fall

[Drake – Verse 2]
Damn, tell me where did all the magic go
I followed all the rules and told you everything you had to know
Had you over every night, every night was passionate
Plus you met my mother even if it was an accident
I’m confused tell me where we go wrong
I was sure that I would be with you so long
I was planning on this being something worth mentioning
Energy invested in someone I saw potential in
Who killed Chivalry they need to get their sentencing
Meanwhile we arguing and I can’t get a sentence in
And just as I predicted here we go again
They always say the hottest love has the coldest end

[Chorus]

[Jhene Aiko]
See its funny ’cause I never thought this would end but then the season changed
[Drake]
You were my, you were my, you were my girl (I was your girl)
Should’ve made, should’ve made, should’ve made you my World
Should’ve made you everything to make you happy baby
[Jhene Aiko]
Can’t wait for, can’t wait for, can’t wait for springtime
And I will turn into a butterfly
I will spread my wings and fly


https://youtu.be/G7m8dfVWLc8

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.


*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

My Truth

It’s time to take my life back. I can’t be the savior of every soul that hurts or cries for help. I need to better myself first. I’ve been in a failing relationship it seems for the past 14 months. I thought I had met my dream girl but looks aren’t apparently what they seem to be. We all have our flaws and issues to deal with. Some things are more tolerable then others. 

I am someone who has held in a lot of my anger over the years. People have treated me like shit while I just kept my mouth shut. With all of that I have put up a wall to bullshit. My ex from some years back left to go pursue her interests in “real men” while the next didn’t want to make time for me. The person that I was dealing with most recently thought it was ok to disrespect me. Doing things to me that she wouldn’t tolerate. See that’s what grinds my gears the most is when people do that. Why would you do things that you wouldn’t be okay with? Now I’m no saint and I have issues with my anger. I just figured someone who speaks of us being alike would understand where I was coming from. I feel like I put my heart out there for it to be stomped out. I felt most of the time my voice fell on deaf ears. Trust to me is everything. I am a man who is cheap and will look for a discount whenever possible. Everything included in business and services is negotiable in my book. So when I speak of being cheap with someone in particular my definition is me looking for any type of deal to still get the job done, make a person happy while keeping my pockets cool as well. I feel at times I wasn’t doing enough in my relationship because there would always be something wrong with her. It was never enough. This is completely toxic and shows me exactly who I do not want to become or be with. 

I do not think right now I am lovable or a suitable mate because of some of my ways and that’s ok. I’m sure there is time to find love or not. One of my mentors is over 50 and single. He loves life and is happy so I see it is possible to be alone and have happiness. One day I will find my love but right now I’m not looking. I am obviously attracting these type of women into my life so I have changes to make with myself to get better.

I am tired of looking like a damn fool when shit blows up in my face again and again. What I do know is that this isn’t my whole life. This is just today. When people from my past come to mind, I think about hitting them up. Then I think of the shit we went through and the fact that I have not gotten a phone call from them and I leave them where they belong. Going back to the days of the old school, the times where the Internet and social media were nonexistent. When you didn’t exchange numbers or information with people, you didn’t see or hear from them unless you come across said person on the outside. It’s better that way or God would’ve kept them around. No regrets…

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Post Hysto Update Part 2: 1 year Later

Part 1 of the Hysto Series which speaks about the surgery can be found here.

It’s been a year and one month since I had my hysterectomy. My surgery was performed by Dr. Shah at Bronx Lebanon Hospital. I loved her bedside manner and spunky attitude. I’m very blessed to have had these procedures in such a timely matter and I do not take it for granted. Some months after surgery I noticed my urgency to urinate had increased. I use the bathroom all the time now. I make sure to go before I go out and before I leave to come home. Also if I hold my urine to long it gives me A LOT of pain almost like cramping. I know this is directly due to the surgery because this didn’t happen before. I do not regret having the surgery. I feel 1000 percent lighter without those female parts inside of me. Forever gone are the days of breakthrough bleeding or anything that has to do with a period. That relieved quite a bit of my body dysphoria along with the pain I had in my lower abdomen whenever I had an orgasm standing up. I was told that body atrophy had begun to occur causing the pain. Your uterus and ovaries are not made to be exposed to male level testosterone which after a while can cause the breakdown of those organs in some men over time. I have read about guys who have kept those parts and had no issue over a number of years. T doesn’t treat everyone the same so I jump into each part of my transition with a leap of faith. After my hysterectomy I felt more dysphoric about my bottom half. I speak a bit about this in the first part of the my dysphoria series here. I plan on writing more about how I felt after my hysterectomy in another post. I want to continue on with my surgical transition and get a phalloplasty which I talk about here

The procedure that was completed on me was the Total laproscopic Hysterectomy with a Bilateral Salpingo oophorectomy. This means the surgery was completed with the use of a robot to make all my incisions and so forth.My uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes were all removed. I didn’t wish to have children the way I was wired to have them. I thought about saving my eggs about a year on the testosterone and found that it can be a bit risky. I did not want to stop my testosterone to be put on estrogen to stimulate ovulation. I also didn’t have the thousands of dollars I would’ve needed to freeze my dna. If it were meant to be it would’ve happened. My future wife and I will begin our journey into parenthood when it is the right time. I know things will fall into place. Fertility options for transgender men can be found by clicking here. I hope this can help the next man out when it comes to making decisions about the future of having a family. Thanks for reading. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Facebook Addiction

Hi..My name is Suites and I have a Facebook Addiction. Coming to terms with this was very hard. It’s something that I had to sit down and ponder about. When my mind had nothing else to wonder about I would find myself scrolling down my Facebook timeline for minutes on end, feeding my energy into this powerful entity. I regard it as such a thing because of the amount of control it has on people’s daily lives. Life had landed me with a number of future opportunities to work for the city. All of these employment orientations have led me to giving up my social media identities for them to look at before they hire me. The importance this website has on my future is paramount. I do not want to make this a staple of my time on Earth. 

It has been about a week since I deactivated my Facebook account. On the first day, to my surprise I felt very anxious. I would pick up my phone with many thoughts including going back to Facebook and calming my nerves. Ignoring these feeling I went on to do many things including:

  • Worked out more often
  • Read real estate articles
  • Spent more time living outside of the phone screen

 The list goes on with the things I did with my newfound minutes each day. I still do have my Instagram account and post quotes once in a while but it is not something I spend a lot of my time on. I choose not to have a Snap chat or other accounts because these things are a time waster in my opinion. 

I think of the simple times before all of the electronic devices and the Internet. The 90’s into the 2000’s were some of the best years of my life. It just happened to be during the time when the Internet and cell phones were brand new and not very relevant to everyday life. I imagined my timeline during the Super Bowl game and felt very blessed to be able to enjoy the moments of watching the game and not caring about the “likes” on my post. I really don’t give a damn about people’s opinions any longer.

Like any addiction this will take time to get completely off of my mind though. I will not say that I don’t get weak sometimes. I’m human and I make so many damn mistakes but then I wake up the next day a new man with new choices to make. One day I’ll be reveling in the success that I deserve to have. I have to put it out into universe to create for me so I’m claiming everything I want in life to be mine. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Just Do It!

I wake up everyday yearning to be a real estate investor. I know I have found my love as this is something I will be able to do with so much excitement involved. Real estate to me is life. I am beginning a habit of reading at least 1 post about it everyday instead of wasting my time on Facebook. I speak on my prior Facebook Addiction here. The goal is to accumulate as many multifamily complexes as I can in the NY area. This will take time of course as I have big decisions to make. I  thought about leaving school for awhile so I can get full time employment. This will make it possible and much easier to secure a bank loan to start acquiring properties. I then thought again about how amazing the lawyer from Sullivan & Cromwell was to me when I was going through my name change process. I want to be able to return the favor and pay it forward to other transgender individuals who may be intimidated by the court system. I had no idea how I was going to navigate the process of changing my name. I know people who have done completely fine without one but I must say it was more convenient for him to do all the work while I just showed up to the court and saw the judge. The judge was a woman who gave me some more credibility with the attorney present. 

Another thing that peaked my interest today was the salary a lawyer can achieve by working at this top law firm. According to the “Above the Law” website, a starting associate will rake in the bucks up to $180,000. After about 9 years the increases of your salary will be up to around $345,000. I can look at some very nice houses with that salary to back me up. They do hire attorneys just for the corporate real estate that they help businesses or wealthy people to purchase. A good way to become a real estate investor I feel is to learn the laws behind it. This will be a great way to get some income on the side while I build up a healthy pension as an attorney. The average millionaire has 7 income streams so I’m building it up slowly.

I have always had an interest in the field. Somehow over the years I can recall going to those “training” events at hotels that they have to try to recruit trainees. I get it…the information doesn’t come free. For now I learn most of the information I know from reading on my own and one of my professors. She is a Real Estate attorney/entrepreneur. She has owned her own business and knows how to read the market. A former student of hers was able to buy property with a little advice from her to make the transaction go accordingly. The home was renovated and is now being rented out to tenants. Now I know it’s not as simple as it sounds or everyone would do it.  Tarek from the show “Flip or Flop” has a saying that classifies real estate in a nutshell. “Big Risks, Big Rewards”. I plan on putting the puzzle pieces together very soon to fulfill my destiny of achieving the true happiness of freedom. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.