The Hottest Love Has the Coldest End

It was like the greatest high I ever felt…then you crash back down to the Earth. Harder then before…your heart is heavy from all the pain. I’ve been letting myself feel my emotions as of late. I cried today while listening to music. I want so bad to just have someone who won’t give up on me. A person who can be empathetic to my mistakes. One day I hope to be someone’s husband and baby father. Security is what I’m searching for now in my life. I don’t want to be around anything that doesn’t bring the best out of me at all times. I’m just tired of fighting. Seems like shit is always to the extreme and it’s pissing me off. I’m in my feelings right now and my mind is all over the place. I don’t know what to do. 

I don’t want love right now. The shit hurts too damn bad. I don’t want the emotions and everything that comes with it. 

I do miss the look in her eye when she tells me “I love you”. Holding her waist ever so gently and pulling her close meant the world to me. With those hips I saw one who could bear my seed and we raise them up together.  I would imagine a star studded wedding with me waiting for her down the aisle. I would see that white gown and tear up as I saw her coming towards me. I would tell her the vows that I wrote and hold her hand. Pulling the veil up to kiss those soft lips.  She becoming my Queen and I her King. I kneel before my bride and kiss her hand. I do believe now that all that was a dream. 

I hate feeling like I was set up. All she saw was herself. I hate how life flashes what I want in my face like some kind of a joke. I saw perfection while she saw deception. 


[Jhene Aiko – Chorus]
“You had to change up the game
Oh the weather is not the same
Now there’s only cloudy days
I can’t stand the rain in July
Oh July
There were fireworks exploding (exploding)
But now it’s getting colder
The leaves are turning colors
Why, it’s just not our season
The one and only reason
Baby oh baby oh
Our summer turned into fall

[Drake – Verse 2]
Damn, tell me where did all the magic go
I followed all the rules and told you everything you had to know
Had you over every night, every night was passionate
Plus you met my mother even if it was an accident
I’m confused tell me where we go wrong
I was sure that I would be with you so long
I was planning on this being something worth mentioning
Energy invested in someone I saw potential in
Who killed Chivalry they need to get their sentencing
Meanwhile we arguing and I can’t get a sentence in
And just as I predicted here we go again
They always say the hottest love has the coldest end

[Chorus]

[Jhene Aiko]
See its funny ’cause I never thought this would end but then the season changed
[Drake]
You were my, you were my, you were my girl (I was your girl)
Should’ve made, should’ve made, should’ve made you my World
Should’ve made you everything to make you happy baby
[Jhene Aiko]
Can’t wait for, can’t wait for, can’t wait for springtime
And I will turn into a butterfly
I will spread my wings and fly


https://youtu.be/G7m8dfVWLc8

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Being in Uniform: Transgender Issues

I have never been average. I plan to get this uniform I am in search of. I know it fits me just the way I would like it to. It was worth the fatigue and starvation that I felt today waiting for the process to end. 3 am for some reason I awakened to feel insomnia. But nonetheless I went to my medical appointment for a career that will take care of me. I appreciate the doctor I saw today even though I had to wait like 4 hours to see him. It was so unorganized at this place. There were only 2 doctors who were going to see about 50 people in a span of six hours. I didn’t believe the paper instructions when it specified I could be there for up to six hours. You know what they say when you assume things. 

 I ate breakfast around 5 am and ventured out when I was finished eating into the night of early morning. It was a series of test we had to take. First was the blood pressure and weight. Now I put on a couple pounds so I wasn’t sure I would be cleared but I had no worries as I didn’t get red flagged in that area. I went next to the breathing test which they say I didn’t do so well on considering my cold but I was moved forward. The hearing was in the same room as the vision and it was pretty straightforward. I messed up one time on that test along with the eye exam in which I have 20 vision. Now here comes the scary part. I saw that they took groups of 5 into an office to see one doctor. On the other hand I saw the female doctor have a more personal feel to her screenings where she saw one person at a time. I was hoping that she called my name next. I was terrified to be told to strip down to my underwear in front of other guys but nonetheless I got called in with the group of 5. Go figure! I took my clothes off to have a picture of my tattoo taken. This is when my heart started pumping. All sorts of things went through my head. What are they going to think when they see my scars? Is anyone going be able to out me? I thought about those last questions because of all of the information about transgender individuals  going public. Some years ago when I started my transistion it was covert ops to me. Anyone who was on the outside of the community would not be having a conversation about the issues of transgender individuals. This scares me to an extent but I know it has to be done for changes in the world to occur. Anyway the medical assistant called me first to go to see the doctor in my boxers on the other side of the curtain. Everything was normal until he went to the page with the questions of male and female body parts. I was obliged to tell the truth or I could be disqualified from service if they found out otherwise in my background check. I made sure to note my surgeries of mastectomy and hysterectomy in the screening. I saw his face stare at the question about the hysterectomy but he didn’t seem to react crazy. He just stared at the paper for like 20 seconds until I spoke up. I said “yea it’s not a mistake”. He looked up and made sure to talk in a lower voice so the other guys in the room couldn’t hear all of my business. He asked me about my prior procedures and future plans and I really appreciated him. I have some medical issues not transition related at the moment so the doctor allowed me to put the process on hold so I can get my body back where I would need it in order to serve. I am BOLD ENOUGH to try.

I thank myself and the people around me that have helped me to complete steps to being physically male. I feel this experience would have been a disaster if I did not have my top surgery which you can read about here. Life has a way of making things happen for you. I was so scared that I would have to choose between a full time career and finishing my education because I am not finished yet with my Bachelor’s Degree. I have been in and out of college for years and I really want to finish this time. I have started to bust my ass in academics after slacking for a little bit in the beginning of this semester . Summer left me with a bit of jet lag so to speak and I was feeling lazy. I had to kick it into high gear though and study for the exams so I can get out after the Spring semester next year. It’s bad enough that I have to take a year and a half more of full time education to finish my legal studies degree. I am hoping that this is all worth the time and money that I am investing into the degree. I guess when I put it like that any money that I spend learning is worth its weight in gold. I think about my love for real estate which I know will come to pass. I am also finding myself interested in wills, trusts and estates. This stuff is fun and enjoyable to me. Law practice seems like it could be in my future but we shall see. I want to be a great role model for other black American males to follow. I want to empower my race. I am black and I am proud to be who I am. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Hot like Fire

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I’ve been spending some time with a very beautiful person inside and out. Incredible in many ways…She’s so giving and such a sweetheart. It took some magic to soften that hardened Brooklyn exterior that life has helped to create. Once you get past that, her gentleness, and that oh so sexy femininity shows itself and intertwines with my masculinity to create something more then just casual intimacy. Her curves are out of this world. I’ve ridden them all the way around the bend and I can tell you every second was ecstasy. It’s like a whirlwind of emotions has come through to leave us both very confused to what we want.

It all started with a date to the village. I was celebrating my father’s birthday with some good ol’ Mary Jane and some sultry old school Sade. “Sweetest Taboo” is one of my favorite songs that I remember my father always listening to those days he would be cleaning up the house. On his birthdays since he passed away, I usually just chill by myself and reflect on life and where I want to go. This year I was expecting a level of comfort from people that I did not get and I felt I deserved. I had happened to start talking to this young lady some days before after my neighbors had a party. That night we talked about many things including Trans Male Penis size which you can find here. It was something about her that I couldn’t help but be attracted to this woman. We talked and I was feeling the vibe I couldn’t help but ask to stay connected.

Fast forward to last weekend of my dad’s birthday we went to hang out in the village and she showed me new things I’ve never been exposed to. We did some bar hopping, ate some good ass food and got some massages. We ended up back at my house where she dozed off in my arms. We woke up to spend time together just chatting about finances and the SEC. But then it just got real hot…we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and just had to stop it all before it went to far. She had to leave on business and I was left with a hard one and her on my mind.

A day went by and she was supposed to be off on the business trip. She is an accountant and was going off with her firm to do training. Life that day made sure we would be able to see each other. She was not able to get on her flight and had time to see me as I live right by the airport. She came by and that internal Scorpio flame inside me could not be tamed. We could not keep our hands off each other and ended up going the absolute distance. It was so hot in that place! By the time everything was said and done, I was left with something inside me stirring that I haven’t felt in a long time. She left and went on her trip and I was feeling so good. We talked the whole time she was away and even met up when she came back. We just spent the last few days together…It was amazing! I’m not really sure what’s going on right now with this situation but I’m just going to enjoy the company of this beautiful woman and cherish the moments.

It is so refreshing to actually feel stress free and open to change. I do have excess baggage in the background but I’m not going to allow that to diminish my future blessings. Just one weekend has strengthened my values and it gave me that extra pep I’ve been needing. I definitely will not be taking anymore crap from women in relationships. If a woman is not looking to build and grow with me I’m going to go elsewhere with my time because I know my worth. This one right here is my complete opposite.

What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness.

John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley: In Search of America

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*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Letting It All Hang Out…

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I found this funny picture of this cat and couldn’t resist using it to express how vulnerable I’ve made myself to others by putting this blog out there.

My Claim To Fame

I love women. I knew from grade school I was “weird” at least in the eyes of the avid heterosexual back in the 90’s. It was around 3rd or 4th grade that I felt my first attractions to the female gender. My first crushes were 2 lightskin, fair-haired females who were pretty girls but into sports. My concept of beauty at that time was artificial. 

I remember the girls all calling me a “tomboy” as I got a little older now in junior high. I would wear windbreaker pants and vest. The outfit would be topped with the matching headband with the Nike check to the side. As I speak on in my last article here, I idolized Nelly ALOT. I always felt jealous of people who had confidence in themselves. I was never completely happy growing up as a teen female. I could never approach a woman the way I wanted for fear of rejection and ridicule. I recall an incident where a girl who was part of the rainbow crew in my school wore a “Barbie is a Lesbian” t-shirt and it sparked such controversy. You can look at this article here. It scared the crap out of me and chased me further into the closet.

For the next 2 years of my life I pretended to be someone I wasn’t. This included acting like I was attracted to the opposite sex with my loose girl clothes on. I hated the color pink and despised life for not birthing me as a male. I was a homophobe or at least pretended to be to fit in with my friends. It wasn’t up until I couldn’t take it anymore. I was living a great lie. Almost overnight my personality changed. I started to don a different color du-rag on the regular along with some of my dad’s old pants and loose t- shirts. I ended writing a letter to the main chick that I ridiculed telling her my true feelings and asking to be my friend. Long story short she ended up being my first girlfriend. She introduced me to a theater program formally known as “City at Peace NY”. It is now called the Possibility Project and can be found by clicking here. Here is where I learned I could be myself and opened up to the life of the rainbow. There were so many people like myself in the community and the support was rock solid. Even with all that it still did not feel right.

I did not feel somewhat complete until my freshman year in college after I bought my first prosthetic. There was an almost instant relief in my psyche. I could be intimate with a femele the way that I wanted which is through penetration. I would sometimes wear the device on a regular day because I liked how it felt between my legs. I attributed these feelings to “penis envy” and left it at that.

Fast forward about 5 years into around 2011 when I started to look up testosterone supplements. I saw pictures of women with muscular bodies who would dominate physical routines. I looked up the side effects of this stuff and they include some of the following:

Clitoromegaly (enlargement of the clitoris)
Facial hair growth
Deepening of the voice
Male pattern baldness

At the time there was no way that could happen. I thought “How would people look at me? What would my partner think?”. It was not until I was looking up an old friend when I found out my own truth. I saw him in transition and was amazed at his changes. I saw the acronym FTM in his gender category so I googled it and found so many guys who felt like me. The first blog I read was here at Ethan Daniels website. It took me to many other blogs and resources that I have used in my own transition. I learned that it was OK to be who I wanted to be.

Since then I have been on hormones and have transformed my body and spirit. I love who I am today and have had so much relief with my dysphoria as I see the man I want now but I still feel like I’m missing equipment. I want to have Bottom Surgery and I have explain the specifics on on a past blog here. My intimate life has gotten so much better the more I feel like “me” though so I can be a bit patient with this process. I will continue on till my physical transition is over and continue with my spiritual and financial growth. Thanks for reading.

If you’re looking for more transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Bottom Dysphoria Pt 1

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After speaking with a fellow blogger, I have come to the conclusion that I have not read a lot of material on the increased gender dysphoria that can occur. This is what happened to me after I had after my top surgery.

After waking up from my four and a half hour surgery, I was immediately pleased with my results as I had no more breast. My daily life had changed overnight as I got “sir” 100 percent of the time after this stage. The glow went away rather quickly as I started to judge myself. I was able to wear the shirts that I had wanted and they fit properly, but it seems the more I physically become a male, the need to get my bottom surgery gets intense. I hate the fact that I have to wait so long to get this stage done because I don’t have the cash. I got my top surgery covered by my mother’s health insurance 3 years ago. I aged out of the plan last year so now I am on state health insurance. In New York State, they cover the surgery but the rates in which they would pay Dr. Crane, he will not accept. In order to go to him I believe you must have a plan that has no insurance cap on gender surgery. Sighs…I will make it to him with time. I really want to own my own gym and be free of this feeling.

When I’m with a woman, I want to feel her and get deep into the experience. When it comes to me and these extensions that I am forced to use, I internally get very sad that I cannot feel and impregnate her. We won’t have that intimate moment in which we create life and I can watch her grow with our child inside her. It is a fantasy that I’ve lived with and will continue to have till death as this is scientifically not possible. Sighs…I need some science fiction ish to happen so I can be a biological father. I feel I would be content with adoption or my future wife having a baby and being the father to these children but who can be sure.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

My Weight Loss Journey as a Male of Transgender Experience

Then and now image of a slimmed down man wearing briefs

Then and now image of a slimmed down man wearing briefs

Just 3 years ago in Job Corps, I decided to lose weight to help maximize the effects of the testosterone. I was 190 pounds of all relaxed muscle so to speak. I could not complete one push up without collapsing to the floor gasping for air (No kidding!). I never worked out or played a lot of sports growing up. I would do normal kid activity but not enough to where I was not physically overweight for the majority of my life. I never dieted as a child (I still don’t!) and I would eat to try to hide the curves that started to show when puberty came around. Being the man I envisioned in my head is very important to me along with a long life. My goal of losing weight would be forced upon me as I failed the initial entrance drug test for the program. I was made to take boxing every week as part of the stipulations. I feel this contributed to me passing the second drug test as I was required to take it to stay. I had dislocated my knee about 2 weeks before going and I could not fully participate in boxing so I started to hit the gym hard. I had nothing else to do with my time after class as everything that I considered fun was banned from the campus so I would work out every day. This was the very first time I had fully committed to changing my physical life!

Fast forward some months down the line , I had began to build muscle and tone up just a tad but it only showed in my arms. The campus was being restructured and positions were swapped around. The gym began to offer the INSANITY workout 5 days a week and I hopped right on it without thinking twice. I saw the results it could give me if I stuck with it. My leg was a lot better at the time so I was able to manage the workouts. I did this along with hitting the gym right after for 5 days a week. The gym instructor who was impressed with me came with P90x as he felt this could help along with my goals. He saw I was dedicated and I added this to my workout for a few weeks where I would do P90x, rest for an hour, go back to the  gym and complete my usual Insanity with gym combo. It was rough at first and I had to change around that craziness because I was draining myself out. I continued with these combination of workouts even until I went to my next center for advanced training. I did add jogging to arsenal of weight loss tools that I have added to my belt. This all helped when it came to me having my top surgery as I had lost fat around my chest area and body as a whole which helped with the healing process. After my top surgery, I was restricted to light cardio so I would walk around the track and as I progressed walking turned to jogging. When I returned back to school after my surgery I was weighing around 170 pounds. I naturally went back to the Insanity/Gym Combo but I swore to myself I did not see results but most of my close family and people on campus had noticed. Even after completing Job Corps, I have continued to follow the Beach Body brand so to speak by incorporating T25 into my workouts along with body weight exercises and free weights at the gym.

I want to be around for my wife and children. I want to be able to run and play with them till my legs give out. These are all things I believe exercising can give me along with increased confidence. I am injured now again but I will get back to my old self real soon. Here are some comparison photos. The first 2 on the top I took right before I started the Insanity program in September 2012 and the 2 below are from last month. I look forward to more weight loss and changes as I continue to transition.

September 2012  1 Year 3 months on T Before Insanity

September 2012
1 Year 3 months on T
Before Insanity

Before Insanity

Before Insanity

With hard work and dedication I’ve gotten this below so far…

Me after 4 Years on T 3 years of Insanity

Me after 4 Years on T
3 years of Insanity

me after 12

My progress so far has been great as the lowest weight that I hit so far is 137 pounds. I am now stable at around 155 pounds as my goal now is to gain muscle which I was working on up until this damn leg of mine popped out again. Next week I hope to start walking around the track by my house to get my light cardio in while my leg heals. I will try pull ups and upper body weight work until my leg cooperates with me again. I will go return back to the gym hopefully in 3-4 weeks to start using the free weights again and build this body up. It has become a positive addiction and stress reliever for me with all of the life issues I have including transition. I am starting to see the man in the mirror that I want to see looking back at me.

Part 2 of this series can be found here. Thanks for reading.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

New Inspiration…

I went to the doctor’s office with my wifey for the second time. While sitting and waiting for two hours to be seen we were watching Judge Alex and Judge Joe Brown. I was seeing the cases that we were watching and wifey and I have come to the conclusion that people have no reason to go on these shows but to just spread their business to the world. Why would you want to publicly embarrass yourself on national television? The cases that were televised were nothing short of embarrassing to parties on the show.

Anyway the blood test I took in December came back negative for anything. I am still having my period so I was able to have my dose increased from .25 to .5 finally!!! I have also for the moment quit smoking weed and have tried to limit the amount of second hand smoke that I am around to let my lungs finally get some fresh air. I am feeling more and more proud of myself by the day as I make changes to myself to benefit me in the future. I want to be able to pursue my top surgery in the summer and I feel I will heal better being smoke free. I also had my knee checked out as it popped out of place a couple weeks back (Long story!!!). It is also fine which I am happy about so I wont be held back from unit 9 any longer. I am waiting though for my testosterone to get here. My clinic has a connection to Stroheckers Pharmacy in Oregon where it is 60.00 for a 10ml vial. Shipping is included in that price. My damn debit card is acting like a fool but I think it must have worked since they did not call me back. Anyway while at the clinic I spoke with Cris from CK Life and heard some great news for the future. I have also some more great news for myself. As I join my moms insurance next month through her insurance I will be able to have my top and bottom surgery covered!!! I am so excited to the fact that I may not pay a dime for these surgeries. I plan on having my top surgery this year during my vacation but we shall see what happens.If I do not hit my target weight by then I might extend my time to a little later in the year. Maybe the winter break will suffice. We shall see where life takes me.

I need some where to vent I feel like crying my eyes out as something fell on my wifeys eye and even though I am breathing a huge sigh of relief I feel responsible for this happening and I am just thanking the universe for sparing her eyesight. I cherish this girl and I hope to one day take the next step with her. I love her and I will not take her for granted. Well I am off to live my life and hug and kiss my wifey all day long.

TJ