Abundance Mindset

I make my abrupt return to this platform developing myself into a new man.

I keep hearing of this “abundance mindset” from many of the everyday men that I talk to and watch online.

I am very good at having this mindset in other avenues inside my life. Unfortunately relationships wasn’t one of them.

Till as of late, I would have such a scarcity thought process.

Well this time again I was in love.

Love had me ignoring all the major red flags I should’ve seen in the beginning.

I saw the good in her regardless of her past. I’m learning that you need to pay attention to what someone has dealt with. It can be a factor later on.

There was also a lot of pain coming from both sides so I feel it added more fuel to the fire.

The therapist told us we could work it out but we stopped going.

I guess this will be one or those things that isn’t going to work because we gave up along with other issues of disrespect that was inside of the relationship.

I wasnt always the best to her but I loved her with all of me. I wanted us to be like that power couple I know we could have been but that’s dead it seems.

She just told me this week she had sex with someone during our breakups.

At first I was upset because of the thought of someone sleeping with my woman.

I couldn’t get the visual out if my head…

But then it occurred to me, I was not entitled to any type of loyalty at that time. I thought love would bring us back together with some time apart.

Shit Was I Wrong!

Soooooo much has went on in the last few months, I’m like damn I dont know how I’m going to fit this in one post. I plan on writing more as I get the power to share my truth.

Following all of my emotional outburst I began to have so much clarity as to what I’ve done wrong over the course of my life.

My mindset is not right…

I know this for a fact because all of my relationships have failed.

No!

I do not completely blame myself for what has occurred through all my life because that would be me not giving the assholes who have stumbled my way their fair share of the collapse.

I can be honest though and say I am not ready to be anyone’s husband.

This year alone has taught me so much in terms of the game in being a man. I have to take my position as such seriously and be a leader of a pack.

It means taking MYSELF more seriously as a human being but more so as a MAN.

This is so powerful. I didn’t even realize this due to my upbringing as a female.

I have been learning things as of late from men that are around me everyday. This includes the drug dealers, my barber, and my real estate mentor.

I feel all of these talks will make me not just book smart but street smart as a male.

I’ve been approaching women more frequently in my everyday journeys and I must say I’ve had some success with getting contact info and numbers.

There have been flakes and ones who are “gay” per se. This girl told me today that she “didnt do” men. She still offered me her number and wants to hang out.

I figured I’ll take the number because she may know others who like men like myself!

😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎

Another girl just didnt want to give me her number. That’s fine too. I got it out of the way. I forgot about her soon as I walked away. I hope I dont hit on her again!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

This relationship self help blog that I follow speaks of women in the realist way possible.

“Every girl you pass could be a future girlfriend/fuck buddy. It’s up to you as a man to start the interaction just as it is your job to penetrate a womans pussy”

I never looked at my new found position as a man in society to this extent.

I see with more rejection it does indeed breed confidence.

Girls stop for me when I talk to them so I know I’m not butt ugly!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

It’s still quite a barrier sometimes to speak to people and get over my codependency issues. I notice I still freeze up to talk to some women. I’m sure I’ll get over it as I do my daily approaches.

I feel like I still care to an extent much about what people think about me. Its something I deal with day to day.

However I have started to realize who I was and what I was capable of. My confidence has just soared as of late.

I see it like this. Whoever comes my way and it doesnt work out wasnt meant to be.

I used to put so much emotional emphasis on how I was making my partner/friends feel and not thinking of myself. That was the wrong idea.

It wont be happening any longer.

I am focused on my purpose and worrying about padding my bank accounts.

Something in me today breeded this post. I open my eyes wide and will let the sun shine in. The future is bright!

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Mindset

“You ain’t worthy, you see my love, you don’t deserve it
Can you take it, you can dish it, you can serve it, but when the tables turned on you, I’m wrong
When every man deserves happiness hey, I’m a dog, when you’re the reason that it happened all along
And I try to look past it, oh but its the, its the, its the things you do”

https://youtu.be/c6GAL_RxbfA


Oh I do so many things for you girl and still you wanna act a fool”

Writing will be updated periodically. The song says enough for now.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

The Good Guy Always Loses…

I can talk for days on this topic and I plan on doing just that here (lol)I start with my experiences growing up around some of my male friends. My closest friends are cisgender. Cisgender means that they identify with their gender from birth. I was around a very interesting group of individuals. We would spend most of our summers together along with my brother from another mother attending high school with me for 2 years. I was exposed to heightened masculinity at its finest. We talked about “smuts, slides, and hoes” daily as this is what females were frequently called by the people around me. Girls were getting “popped off” on the regular. I never made any judgments of my friends. I attributed it to the testosterone coursing through their veins. The over sexualized hip hop culture that we grew up to love I believe had a part as well. I would see them pick up girls and toss them to the side usually with no feelings after the interaction. This is the very same thing I saw in the MTV show Jersey Shore the other day.

I was never an avid watcher of the show when it was actually on but I love it now. There were countless episodes with Pauly D and The Situation asking women “You DTF?” There is one particular comment from Pauly D’s mouth that really stuck with me. He said “It’s Saturday, we don’t have time to waste. If they not DTF I’m moving to the next.” Dude would have chicks on backup in case one didn’t show. He had numerous women flocking to him and was an asshole most of the time. Now “DTF” for people might not ring a bell. It means “down to f@€#.” These guys were praised for their attitude and it was attributed to just being guys huh? The world is so assed backwards at times. 

During the second season, Angelina was dating a guy named José. He was taking her out on dates and courting her. Even showing up to her job in a suit to give her a gift, he was the man girls dream of. 

Charming and sweet, he wanted to sweep her off her feet. When his birthday came after numerous dates and bonding, he was still not able to have sex with her. Giving a female gifts is not a prerequisite for sex, I know this. It just happens that she was an open whore on the side. 

Vinny (pictured above) was one of her roommates who disrespected her on a daily basis and even nicknamed her the “Staten Island Dump.” Guess which one of these guys got the goodies? 

It just goes to show you that it doesn’t always hurt to be bad. It does hurt in the long run though. Girls dig it in the beginning until they get played and then they ask “where are all the real men?” Well you over looked him for the asshole who you thought was better for you. Thanks for reading guys.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.


*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.


The Hottest Love Has the Coldest End

It was like the greatest high I ever felt…then you crash back down to the Earth. Harder then before…your heart is heavy from all the pain. I’ve been letting myself feel my emotions as of late. I cried today while listening to music. I want so bad to just have someone who won’t give up on me. A person who can be empathetic to my mistakes. One day I hope to be someone’s husband and baby father. Security is what I’m searching for now in my life. I don’t want to be around anything that doesn’t bring the best out of me at all times. I’m just tired of fighting. Seems like shit is always to the extreme and it’s pissing me off. I’m in my feelings right now and my mind is all over the place. I don’t know what to do. 

I don’t want love right now. The shit hurts too damn bad. I don’t want the emotions and everything that comes with it. 

I do miss the look in her eye when she tells me “I love you”. Holding her waist ever so gently and pulling her close meant the world to me. With those hips I saw one who could bear my seed and we raise them up together.  I would imagine a star studded wedding with me waiting for her down the aisle. I would see that white gown and tear up as I saw her coming towards me. I would tell her the vows that I wrote and hold her hand. Pulling the veil up to kiss those soft lips.  She becoming my Queen and I her King. I kneel before my bride and kiss her hand. I do believe now that all that was a dream. 

I hate feeling like I was set up. All she saw was herself. I hate how life flashes what I want in my face like some kind of a joke. I saw perfection while she saw deception. 


[Jhene Aiko – Chorus]
“You had to change up the game
Oh the weather is not the same
Now there’s only cloudy days
I can’t stand the rain in July
Oh July
There were fireworks exploding (exploding)
But now it’s getting colder
The leaves are turning colors
Why, it’s just not our season
The one and only reason
Baby oh baby oh
Our summer turned into fall

[Drake – Verse 2]
Damn, tell me where did all the magic go
I followed all the rules and told you everything you had to know
Had you over every night, every night was passionate
Plus you met my mother even if it was an accident
I’m confused tell me where we go wrong
I was sure that I would be with you so long
I was planning on this being something worth mentioning
Energy invested in someone I saw potential in
Who killed Chivalry they need to get their sentencing
Meanwhile we arguing and I can’t get a sentence in
And just as I predicted here we go again
They always say the hottest love has the coldest end

[Chorus]

[Jhene Aiko]
See its funny ’cause I never thought this would end but then the season changed
[Drake]
You were my, you were my, you were my girl (I was your girl)
Should’ve made, should’ve made, should’ve made you my World
Should’ve made you everything to make you happy baby
[Jhene Aiko]
Can’t wait for, can’t wait for, can’t wait for springtime
And I will turn into a butterfly
I will spread my wings and fly


https://youtu.be/G7m8dfVWLc8

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.


*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

My Truth

It’s time to take my life back. I can’t be the savior of every soul that hurts or cries for help. I need to better myself first. I’ve been in a failing relationship it seems for the past 14 months. I thought I had met my dream girl but looks aren’t apparently what they seem to be. We all have our flaws and issues to deal with. Some things are more tolerable then others. 

I am someone who has held in a lot of my anger over the years. People have treated me like shit while I just kept my mouth shut. With all of that I have put up a wall to bullshit. My ex from some years back left to go pursue her interests in “real men” while the next didn’t want to make time for me. The person that I was dealing with most recently thought it was ok to disrespect me. Doing things to me that she wouldn’t tolerate. See that’s what grinds my gears the most is when people do that. Why would you do things that you wouldn’t be okay with? Now I’m no saint and I have issues with my anger. I just figured someone who speaks of us being alike would understand where I was coming from. I feel like I put my heart out there for it to be stomped out. I felt most of the time my voice fell on deaf ears. Trust to me is everything. I am a man who is cheap and will look for a discount whenever possible. Everything included in business and services is negotiable in my book. So when I speak of being cheap with someone in particular my definition is me looking for any type of deal to still get the job done, make a person happy while keeping my pockets cool as well. I feel at times I wasn’t doing enough in my relationship because there would always be something wrong with her. It was never enough. This is completely toxic and shows me exactly who I do not want to become or be with. 

I do not think right now I am lovable or a suitable mate because of some of my ways and that’s ok. I’m sure there is time to find love or not. One of my mentors is over 50 and single. He loves life and is happy so I see it is possible to be alone and have happiness. One day I will find my love but right now I’m not looking. I am obviously attracting these type of women into my life so I have changes to make with myself to get better.

I am tired of looking like a damn fool when shit blows up in my face again and again. What I do know is that this isn’t my whole life. This is just today. When people from my past come to mind, I think about hitting them up. Then I think of the shit we went through and the fact that I have not gotten a phone call from them and I leave them where they belong. Going back to the days of the old school, the times where the Internet and social media were nonexistent. When you didn’t exchange numbers or information with people, you didn’t see or hear from them unless you come across said person on the outside. It’s better that way or God would’ve kept them around. No regrets…

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

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Post Hysto Update Part 2: 1 year Later

Part 1 of the Hysto Series which speaks about the surgery can be found here.

It’s been a year and one month since I had my hysterectomy. My surgery was performed by Dr. Shah at Bronx Lebanon Hospital. I loved her bedside manner and spunky attitude. I’m very blessed to have had these procedures in such a timely matter and I do not take it for granted. Some months after surgery I noticed my urgency to urinate had increased. I use the bathroom all the time now. I make sure to go before I go out and before I leave to come home. Also if I hold my urine to long it gives me A LOT of pain almost like cramping. I know this is directly due to the surgery because this didn’t happen before. I do not regret having the surgery. I feel 1000 percent lighter without those female parts inside of me. Forever gone are the days of breakthrough bleeding or anything that has to do with a period. That relieved quite a bit of my body dysphoria along with the pain I had in my lower abdomen whenever I had an orgasm standing up. I was told that body atrophy had begun to occur causing the pain. Your uterus and ovaries are not made to be exposed to male level testosterone which after a while can cause the breakdown of those organs in some men over time. I have read about guys who have kept those parts and had no issue over a number of years. T doesn’t treat everyone the same so I jump into each part of my transition with a leap of faith. After my hysterectomy I felt more dysphoric about my bottom half. I speak a bit about this in the first part of the my dysphoria series here. I plan on writing more about how I felt after my hysterectomy in another post. I want to continue on with my surgical transition and get a phalloplasty which I talk about here

The procedure that was completed on me was the Total laproscopic Hysterectomy with a Bilateral Salpingo oophorectomy. This means the surgery was completed with the use of a robot to make all my incisions and so forth.My uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes were all removed. I didn’t wish to have children the way I was wired to have them. I thought about saving my eggs about a year on the testosterone and found that it can be a bit risky. I did not want to stop my testosterone to be put on estrogen to stimulate ovulation. I also didn’t have the thousands of dollars I would’ve needed to freeze my dna. If it were meant to be it would’ve happened. My future wife and I will begin our journey into parenthood when it is the right time. I know things will fall into place. Fertility options for transgender men can be found by clicking here. I hope this can help the next man out when it comes to making decisions about the future of having a family. Thanks for reading. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Facebook Addiction

Hi..My name is Suites and I have a Facebook Addiction. Coming to terms with this was very hard. It’s something that I had to sit down and ponder about. When my mind had nothing else to wonder about I would find myself scrolling down my Facebook timeline for minutes on end, feeding my energy into this powerful entity. I regard it as such a thing because of the amount of control it has on people’s daily lives. Life had landed me with a number of future opportunities to work for the city. All of these employment orientations have led me to giving up my social media identities for them to look at before they hire me. The importance this website has on my future is paramount. I do not want to make this a staple of my time on Earth. 

It has been about a week since I deactivated my Facebook account. On the first day, to my surprise I felt very anxious. I would pick up my phone with many thoughts including going back to Facebook and calming my nerves. Ignoring these feeling I went on to do many things including:

  • Worked out more often
  • Read real estate articles
  • Spent more time living outside of the phone screen

 The list goes on with the things I did with my newfound minutes each day. I still do have my Instagram account and post quotes once in a while but it is not something I spend a lot of my time on. I choose not to have a Snap chat or other accounts because these things are a time waster in my opinion. 

I think of the simple times before all of the electronic devices and the Internet. The 90’s into the 2000’s were some of the best years of my life. It just happened to be during the time when the Internet and cell phones were brand new and not very relevant to everyday life. I imagined my timeline during the Super Bowl game and felt very blessed to be able to enjoy the moments of watching the game and not caring about the “likes” on my post. I really don’t give a damn about people’s opinions any longer.

Like any addiction this will take time to get completely off of my mind though. I will not say that I don’t get weak sometimes. I’m human and I make so many damn mistakes but then I wake up the next day a new man with new choices to make. One day I’ll be reveling in the success that I deserve to have. I have to put it out into universe to create for me so I’m claiming everything I want in life to be mine. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Just Do It!

I wake up everyday yearning to be a real estate investor. I know I have found my love as this is something I will be able to do with so much excitement involved. Real estate to me is life. I am beginning a habit of reading at least 1 post about it everyday instead of wasting my time on Facebook. I speak on my prior Facebook Addiction here. The goal is to accumulate as many multifamily complexes as I can in the NY area. This will take time of course as I have big decisions to make. I  thought about leaving school for awhile so I can get full time employment. This will make it possible and much easier to secure a bank loan to start acquiring properties. I then thought again about how amazing the lawyer from Sullivan & Cromwell was to me when I was going through my name change process. I want to be able to return the favor and pay it forward to other transgender individuals who may be intimidated by the court system. I had no idea how I was going to navigate the process of changing my name. I know people who have done completely fine without one but I must say it was more convenient for him to do all the work while I just showed up to the court and saw the judge. The judge was a woman who gave me some more credibility with the attorney present. 

Another thing that peaked my interest today was the salary a lawyer can achieve by working at this top law firm. According to the “Above the Law” website, a starting associate will rake in the bucks up to $180,000. After about 9 years the increases of your salary will be up to around $345,000. I can look at some very nice houses with that salary to back me up. They do hire attorneys just for the corporate real estate that they help businesses or wealthy people to purchase. A good way to become a real estate investor I feel is to learn the laws behind it. This will be a great way to get some income on the side while I build up a healthy pension as an attorney. The average millionaire has 7 income streams so I’m building it up slowly.

I have always had an interest in the field. Somehow over the years I can recall going to those “training” events at hotels that they have to try to recruit trainees. I get it…the information doesn’t come free. For now I learn most of the information I know from reading on my own and one of my professors. She is a Real Estate attorney/entrepreneur. She has owned her own business and knows how to read the market. A former student of hers was able to buy property with a little advice from her to make the transaction go accordingly. The home was renovated and is now being rented out to tenants. Now I know it’s not as simple as it sounds or everyone would do it.  Tarek from the show “Flip or Flop” has a saying that classifies real estate in a nutshell. “Big Risks, Big Rewards”. I plan on putting the puzzle pieces together very soon to fulfill my destiny of achieving the true happiness of freedom. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Being in Uniform: Transgender Issues

I have never been average. I plan to get this uniform I am in search of. I know it fits me just the way I would like it to. It was worth the fatigue and starvation that I felt today waiting for the process to end. 3 am for some reason I awakened to feel insomnia. But nonetheless I went to my medical appointment for a career that will take care of me. I appreciate the doctor I saw today even though I had to wait like 4 hours to see him. It was so unorganized at this place. There were only 2 doctors who were going to see about 50 people in a span of six hours. I didn’t believe the paper instructions when it specified I could be there for up to six hours. You know what they say when you assume things. 

 I ate breakfast around 5 am and ventured out when I was finished eating into the night of early morning. It was a series of test we had to take. First was the blood pressure and weight. Now I put on a couple pounds so I wasn’t sure I would be cleared but I had no worries as I didn’t get red flagged in that area. I went next to the breathing test which they say I didn’t do so well on considering my cold but I was moved forward. The hearing was in the same room as the vision and it was pretty straightforward. I messed up one time on that test along with the eye exam in which I have 20 vision. Now here comes the scary part. I saw that they took groups of 5 into an office to see one doctor. On the other hand I saw the female doctor have a more personal feel to her screenings where she saw one person at a time. I was hoping that she called my name next. I was terrified to be told to strip down to my underwear in front of other guys but nonetheless I got called in with the group of 5. Go figure! I took my clothes off to have a picture of my tattoo taken. This is when my heart started pumping. All sorts of things went through my head. What are they going to think when they see my scars? Is anyone going be able to out me? I thought about those last questions because of all of the information about transgender individuals  going public. Some years ago when I started my transistion it was covert ops to me. Anyone who was on the outside of the community would not be having a conversation about the issues of transgender individuals. This scares me to an extent but I know it has to be done for changes in the world to occur. Anyway the medical assistant called me first to go to see the doctor in my boxers on the other side of the curtain. Everything was normal until he went to the page with the questions of male and female body parts. I was obliged to tell the truth or I could be disqualified from service if they found out otherwise in my background check. I made sure to note my surgeries of mastectomy and hysterectomy in the screening. I saw his face stare at the question about the hysterectomy but he didn’t seem to react crazy. He just stared at the paper for like 20 seconds until I spoke up. I said “yea it’s not a mistake”. He looked up and made sure to talk in a lower voice so the other guys in the room couldn’t hear all of my business. He asked me about my prior procedures and future plans and I really appreciated him. I have some medical issues not transition related at the moment so the doctor allowed me to put the process on hold so I can get my body back where I would need it in order to serve. I am BOLD ENOUGH to try.

I thank myself and the people around me that have helped me to complete steps to being physically male. I feel this experience would have been a disaster if I did not have my top surgery which you can read about here. Life has a way of making things happen for you. I was so scared that I would have to choose between a full time career and finishing my education because I am not finished yet with my Bachelor’s Degree. I have been in and out of college for years and I really want to finish this time. I have started to bust my ass in academics after slacking for a little bit in the beginning of this semester . Summer left me with a bit of jet lag so to speak and I was feeling lazy. I had to kick it into high gear though and study for the exams so I can get out after the Spring semester next year. It’s bad enough that I have to take a year and a half more of full time education to finish my legal studies degree. I am hoping that this is all worth the time and money that I am investing into the degree. I guess when I put it like that any money that I spend learning is worth its weight in gold. I think about my love for real estate which I know will come to pass. I am also finding myself interested in wills, trusts and estates. This stuff is fun and enjoyable to me. Law practice seems like it could be in my future but we shall see. I want to be a great role model for other black American males to follow. I want to empower my race. I am black and I am proud to be who I am. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

“Ignorance is Bliss”

      Why is the world the way it is?  The answer to that is Satan works through the global elite to bring as many souls with him down to hell. I do not want to sugar coat the spiritual battle that takes place everyday. Wars, diseases,terrorist attacks among other things are planned to implement new policies and restrictions for the masses to follow to turn all that we know into a police state. Call me a conspiracy theorist if you’d like but the facts are present online if people would only look.

      I was researching the illuminati and freemasonry some years ago but I have started again to refresh my knowledge on why certain things happen the way that they do. The illuminati consists of Royal Bloodlines which are working towards their goal of controlling everything. Click here for the link to the “Illuminati News”, one of the many websites I visit to get more knowledge about these societies.
      

     Here are a couple of videos about the music industry that I have watched if you’re looking to put the pieces together to the puzzle about how that system is set up. 

        I went to the barbershop to get a cut and had more questions because I heard one of the other barbers speaking on this a few weeks prior. It renewed my interest. I wanted to pick my particular barbers brain a little bit:

Me: What do you know about the illuminati?

Barber: Not much…

Random Patron: They run everything, sports, media, music…you name it. Devil worshippers they are…

Barber: They do a bunch of secret rituals…homosexual things they don’t speak of. If people knew about it, they wouldn’t support any of these industries.

I noticed my barber spoke  up when he saw that this other person in the shop made some comments. The question I then asked in my head….why do people know this stuff and say nothing? 

I researched his homosexual statements and found this video below:

    This stuff can make your head hurt when you’re used to living in a dream world….I get it. Just try and be open minded when reading and do your own research. Just don’t believe what the world/media says to you. This awakening was making me paranoid at one point that’s why I stopped researching the first time. I would go outside looking at the world like I was walking through the Matrix. It makes me think of this scene where Morpheus speaks on why most of this knowledge isn’t widespread for more to see.

The Matrix is actually filled with a lot of symbolism as to how the world is just like how it is presented in the movie but that’s another story.

It got to the point where I was like ” ignorance is bliss.” I was missing the life I had before I found out the truth. Now a few years later, I’m happy that my eyes were opened. I’m awake and I can work my way around what the system wants from me as a black male. I can keep my spirit cleansed of the demonic spirits that run the entertainment industry. I do not monetarily support these people any longer.  I still listen to music and watch football but I download most of it. I’m not giving my money to them to push forward the agenda of making the average person a slave. I just know to pray to GOD and not get myself hypnotized by what the industry flashes in front of me. I no longer idolize any of these artists/players. They won’t lead me into hell with them. I’ll write more specific blogs on the entertainment industry as I learn more. Thanks for reading.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.