The Hottest Love Has the Coldest End

It was like the greatest high I ever felt…then you crash back down to the Earth. Harder then before…your heart is heavy from all the pain. I’ve been letting myself feel my emotions as of late. I cried today while listening to music. I want so bad to just have someone who won’t give up on me. A person who can be empathetic to my mistakes. One day I hope to be someone’s husband and baby father. Security is what I’m searching for now in my life. I don’t want to be around anything that doesn’t bring the best out of me at all times. I’m just tired of fighting. Seems like shit is always to the extreme and it’s pissing me off. I’m in my feelings right now and my mind is all over the place. I don’t know what to do. 

I don’t want love right now. The shit hurts too damn bad. I don’t want the emotions and everything that comes with it. 

I do miss the look in her eye when she tells me “I love you”. Holding her waist ever so gently and pulling her close meant the world to me. With those hips I saw one who could bear my seed and we raise them up together.  I would imagine a star studded wedding with me waiting for her down the aisle. I would see that white gown and tear up as I saw her coming towards me. I would tell her the vows that I wrote and hold her hand. Pulling the veil up to kiss those soft lips.  She becoming my Queen and I her King. I kneel before my bride and kiss her hand. I do believe now that all that was a dream. 

I hate feeling like I was set up. All she saw was herself. I hate how life flashes what I want in my face like some kind of a joke. I saw perfection while she saw deception. 


[Jhene Aiko – Chorus]
“You had to change up the game
Oh the weather is not the same
Now there’s only cloudy days
I can’t stand the rain in July
Oh July
There were fireworks exploding (exploding)
But now it’s getting colder
The leaves are turning colors
Why, it’s just not our season
The one and only reason
Baby oh baby oh
Our summer turned into fall

[Drake – Verse 2]
Damn, tell me where did all the magic go
I followed all the rules and told you everything you had to know
Had you over every night, every night was passionate
Plus you met my mother even if it was an accident
I’m confused tell me where we go wrong
I was sure that I would be with you so long
I was planning on this being something worth mentioning
Energy invested in someone I saw potential in
Who killed Chivalry they need to get their sentencing
Meanwhile we arguing and I can’t get a sentence in
And just as I predicted here we go again
They always say the hottest love has the coldest end

[Chorus]

[Jhene Aiko]
See its funny ’cause I never thought this would end but then the season changed
[Drake]
You were my, you were my, you were my girl (I was your girl)
Should’ve made, should’ve made, should’ve made you my World
Should’ve made you everything to make you happy baby
[Jhene Aiko]
Can’t wait for, can’t wait for, can’t wait for springtime
And I will turn into a butterfly
I will spread my wings and fly


https://youtu.be/G7m8dfVWLc8

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.


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Post Hysto Update Part 2: 1 year Later

Part 1 of the Hysto Series which speaks about the surgery can be found here.

It’s been a year and one month since I had my hysterectomy. My surgery was performed by Dr. Shah at Bronx Lebanon Hospital. I loved her bedside manner and spunky attitude. I’m very blessed to have had these procedures in such a timely matter and I do not take it for granted. Some months after surgery I noticed my urgency to urinate had increased. I use the bathroom all the time now. I make sure to go before I go out and before I leave to come home. Also if I hold my urine to long it gives me A LOT of pain almost like cramping. I know this is directly due to the surgery because this didn’t happen before. I do not regret having the surgery. I feel 1000 percent lighter without those female parts inside of me. Forever gone are the days of breakthrough bleeding or anything that has to do with a period. That relieved quite a bit of my body dysphoria along with the pain I had in my lower abdomen whenever I had an orgasm standing up. I was told that body atrophy had begun to occur causing the pain. Your uterus and ovaries are not made to be exposed to male level testosterone which after a while can cause the breakdown of those organs in some men over time. I have read about guys who have kept those parts and had no issue over a number of years. T doesn’t treat everyone the same so I jump into each part of my transition with a leap of faith. After my hysterectomy I felt more dysphoric about my bottom half. I speak a bit about this in the first part of the my dysphoria series here. I plan on writing more about how I felt after my hysterectomy in another post. I want to continue on with my surgical transition and get a phalloplasty which I talk about here

The procedure that was completed on me was the Total laproscopic Hysterectomy with a Bilateral Salpingo oophorectomy. This means the surgery was completed with the use of a robot to make all my incisions and so forth.My uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes were all removed. I didn’t wish to have children the way I was wired to have them. I thought about saving my eggs about a year on the testosterone and found that it can be a bit risky. I did not want to stop my testosterone to be put on estrogen to stimulate ovulation. I also didn’t have the thousands of dollars I would’ve needed to freeze my dna. If it were meant to be it would’ve happened. My future wife and I will begin our journey into parenthood when it is the right time. I know things will fall into place. Fertility options for transgender men can be found by clicking here. I hope this can help the next man out when it comes to making decisions about the future of having a family. Thanks for reading. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Facebook Addiction

Hi..My name is Suites and I have a Facebook Addiction. Coming to terms with this was very hard. It’s something that I had to sit down and ponder about. When my mind had nothing else to wonder about I would find myself scrolling down my Facebook timeline for minutes on end, feeding my energy into this powerful entity. I regard it as such a thing because of the amount of control it has on people’s daily lives. Life had landed me with a number of future opportunities to work for the city. All of these employment orientations have led me to giving up my social media identities for them to look at before they hire me. The importance this website has on my future is paramount. I do not want to make this a staple of my time on Earth. 

It has been about a week since I deactivated my Facebook account. On the first day, to my surprise I felt very anxious. I would pick up my phone with many thoughts including going back to Facebook and calming my nerves. Ignoring these feeling I went on to do many things including:

  • Worked out more often
  • Read real estate articles
  • Spent more time living outside of the phone screen

 The list goes on with the things I did with my newfound minutes each day. I still do have my Instagram account and post quotes once in a while but it is not something I spend a lot of my time on. I choose not to have a Snap chat or other accounts because these things are a time waster in my opinion. 

I think of the simple times before all of the electronic devices and the Internet. The 90’s into the 2000’s were some of the best years of my life. It just happened to be during the time when the Internet and cell phones were brand new and not very relevant to everyday life. I imagined my timeline during the Super Bowl game and felt very blessed to be able to enjoy the moments of watching the game and not caring about the “likes” on my post. I really don’t give a damn about people’s opinions any longer.

Like any addiction this will take time to get completely off of my mind though. I will not say that I don’t get weak sometimes. I’m human and I make so many damn mistakes but then I wake up the next day a new man with new choices to make. One day I’ll be reveling in the success that I deserve to have. I have to put it out into universe to create for me so I’m claiming everything I want in life to be mine. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Just Do It!

I wake up everyday yearning to be a real estate investor. I know I have found my love as this is something I will be able to do with so much excitement involved. Real estate to me is life. I am beginning a habit of reading at least 1 post about it everyday instead of wasting my time on Facebook. I speak on my prior Facebook Addiction here. The goal is to accumulate as many multifamily complexes as I can in the NY area. This will take time of course as I have big decisions to make. I  thought about leaving school for awhile so I can get full time employment. This will make it possible and much easier to secure a bank loan to start acquiring properties. I then thought again about how amazing the lawyer from Sullivan & Cromwell was to me when I was going through my name change process. I want to be able to return the favor and pay it forward to other transgender individuals who may be intimidated by the court system. I had no idea how I was going to navigate the process of changing my name. I know people who have done completely fine without one but I must say it was more convenient for him to do all the work while I just showed up to the court and saw the judge. The judge was a woman who gave me some more credibility with the attorney present. 

Another thing that peaked my interest today was the salary a lawyer can achieve by working at this top law firm. According to the “Above the Law” website, a starting associate will rake in the bucks up to $180,000. After about 9 years the increases of your salary will be up to around $345,000. I can look at some very nice houses with that salary to back me up. They do hire attorneys just for the corporate real estate that they help businesses or wealthy people to purchase. A good way to become a real estate investor I feel is to learn the laws behind it. This will be a great way to get some income on the side while I build up a healthy pension as an attorney. The average millionaire has 7 income streams so I’m building it up slowly.

I have always had an interest in the field. Somehow over the years I can recall going to those “training” events at hotels that they have to try to recruit trainees. I get it…the information doesn’t come free. For now I learn most of the information I know from reading on my own and one of my professors. She is a Real Estate attorney/entrepreneur. She has owned her own business and knows how to read the market. A former student of hers was able to buy property with a little advice from her to make the transaction go accordingly. The home was renovated and is now being rented out to tenants. Now I know it’s not as simple as it sounds or everyone would do it.  Tarek from the show “Flip or Flop” has a saying that classifies real estate in a nutshell. “Big Risks, Big Rewards”. I plan on putting the puzzle pieces together very soon to fulfill my destiny of achieving the true happiness of freedom. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Domestic Violence Against Males

If you’re a male victim of domestic violence click here for more resources. Gay and Transgender males in the NYC area can call (212) 714-1141

I was just watching an episode of Maury about Domestic abuse to women. Now I’m all for women getting the help that they need when they are not being given the respect that they deserve but there are plenty of resources for them. I’m a bit flabbergasted though that men are not on these shows along with the women. It’s not only an epidemic for the one gender. Men are abused by their partners as well. I have been hit by a significant other and it has messed with my head. I have been through a lot in my life so it’s  just another hurdle to get over. I am still here on this planet so there is time to heal and pull it all together. I was working the primary election where I met a judge aid. She was telling me about some of the twisted women that she had met in the court who are just as vindictive if not more evil then the guys. It was a random conversation that had come up but it was something I needed to hear. I will never let any person put their hands on me again. I recently made a promise and swore to my father that it wouldn’t happen again. I also asked for his protection and guidance with these issues. 

If there are any guys out there who have been mentally, physically,  or mentally abused don’t stay silent. Tell people who can help you get back to you like a therapist or close friend. You need to get your strength back. Remember it is not your fault. Whenever someone lashes out in anger like that, it is their own insecurities and issues they are dealing with. Don’t let them put that on you. If you’ve had enough leave. Unless they go and get help and commit to it. Everyone has their flaws but we are all adults. Do not let anyone put their hands on you! You are no one’s child if you’re in a relationship. 

Just writing about this issue that I was having has helped me to cleanse and get rid of that negative spirit that was on me. I will not allow it to happen again.  

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Insensitive 

The art of anger and loud screaming, without anyone or anything to stop them. Forgetting that the other person has feelings because your pride and ego trump even the bonds and loyalty of the relationship. No one takes accountability for their actions and points the finger away without accepting that an issue between 2 people is exactly that. A problem that those individuals contributed to and created. The ugly experiment gone wrong…“Frankenstein!” comes to life and brings chaos to everyone within distance. 

Love can induce the best high you’ve ever experienced or it can feel like I would imagine as the shock and pain of a parachute failure before crash landing back down to the reality of gravity hitting the Earth.

I thought I knew how to explain my feelings and get my point across. I feel myself sometimes on the brink of insanity. I’ve held so much pain inside along with new wounds being pierced through my heart and soul.  I try so hard to keep it together and not let that dark side of me come to surface. I can’t let the shadow take over my spirit and pull me deep into the dark where the sun no longer can grace me with its light and soulful energy. The mind has capabilities of creating enormous evil. Sit in the dark with scars on your heart you will see what I mean. 

I went and talked my therapist today to try and deal with some anger issues that I have. I have noticed that I have had issues with my attitude and anger as of late which I need help with. She told me to stop being so hard on myself. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s just having to learn from them. I can’t hold on to feelings of resentment and things from my past. I’m going to continue to write on this blog. It seems a good place to have release of my stress and it leaves me with the ability to have reflection of the growth (or not)that I make. I also need to learn to find a happy medium to reduce my stress and live in the present moment. She spoke of this present second being all we have at the moment so we need to be thriving and worrying about our immediate issues now. Don’t dwell in the past and don’t get to anxious for the future. I hope with her help I can pull the pieces together. I made my next appointment to see her soon.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Blizzard Conditions…

It’s been months since I’ve written. I can say this…there has been hell. I have been fighting this demon  who is in turn a part of myself. I have helped to create this demon but in fact it’s presence has always been known. Love found it’s way into my presence right alongside hate. My life I feel at times is always to the extreme. There’s no middle ground. It can be blissful heaven or fiery hell. 

Even with all of this going on certain events as of late have me reevaluating my life, I begin to understand (with some outside help) that I need to do 3 things in my life to facilitate change:

I need to ACKNOWLEDGE people and their feelings along with not letting the voice in my head be ignored. I can get feelings across without being arrogant and becoming a great looney when I don’t feel understood or heard.

Beginning to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, along with really listening to things that are said to me and internalizing it in a way where I can have a positive learning experience will be good for me.

Making some sort of ADJUSTMENT to my life so I won’t be so angry will be of great help to my life. I have to get the help that I need to control myself and make better judgment calls. I feel it will save my life/relationships in the long run.
 
So as of today I am taking my life back. No one (at least what I know of) has the ability to live an infinite life. I do not have time to waste.  TIME waits for no one and I will be quiet no longer. I am so used to holding in my real feelings not taking care of things when they occur. As a man that will not happen no longer. I am taking my power back for myself.

I really want things to get better. I have some more hope for the future. I have to keep going with my head held up high.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.