I am so happy I called my mother this morning. She didn’t know I was actually feeling very low when I called and what she said to me was exactly what I needed to hear. I will try to keep the above title in mind as my leg heals slowly but surely. I had what was described to be a patella dislocation. I was on the workout machine and all I heard was a pop followed by extreme pain in my leg. When I was able to relax and not panic the pain subsided. I was able to move my gym shorts to the side to see my knee cap pointing out the side of my leg. I was immediately disappointed in myself because I knew I should have been wearing my knee brace. I also should have not tried to workout so hard without adequate rest. I have learned my lesson and plan on heading to the doctor tomorrow. It is extremely disheartening to know I will most likely not be able to go in with my workouts for some months to come but I still have an income so I can’t complain in that aspect.
I have also had moments lately where I miss my father. It is still weird when the house is so quiet and I don’t hear him fumbling around. You really do not realize how much life someone can bring to an environment till they are suddenly no longer around. He really left a mark on my life and I can’t do anything but appreciate his help through it all. I will continue to miss him everyday of my life. The pain never really goes away at least I feel when it comes to losing someone who meant a lot to you like he did to me. I have just learned to deal with the pain the best way I can by moving forward and being a productive member of society.
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If I had any question as to whether I wanted to transition or not those doubts have sure went away with the coming of that dreadful “time of the month.” I am going to leave all of this questioning and irrational thinking to the hormones coursing through my body and I cannot wait to get my first T shot. That will be the first step I take towards getting my mind aligned with my body. The next step is figuring out how to get that penis I always wanted. I am getting turned off more by the day with the options that transmen have at the moment with bottom surgery. I want a penis that can get hard when sexually stimulated or just morning wood. I want to be able to ejaculate inside my wife. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be satisfied with anything that has to do with this transition process. Life could not possibly be any more worse at this time. I feel depressed and just down when it comes to my body. I hate to look at myself sometimes. I have been told that I am a decent looking person but I have never believed it. I still don’t to be honest. Maybe I am just being a bit negative with everything I am saying but it is hard sometimes to be positive in this world full of hatred. Maybe I do not want to be a man or a woman. I know though that I want to be percieved as a male though. If I had to choose, being seen as a girl is not for me. I do not like to get hit on by straight men who think they are going to “turn” me back to being a heterosexual when I have always felt like one in the first place but just in a different concept. I have always been a guy on the inside. I do not want to sleep with guys. I am in love with the female body for it’s curves and softness. For it’s sexyness and seduction is unlike anything some man can give me. I am in love with females but do not want to be one myself. I know for a fact I would love to be able to feel some tight pussy wrapped around my penis (if I had one smh). I would love for a woman to ride me until I nut inside her…I would penetrate her nice and deep till I fill up her walls and she can do nothing but scream to the top of her lungs…WOW! That sounds so sexy….Am I to much of a pervert for always thinking of sex? Maybe that’s the man in me talking lol.
I love sex…Anything to do with sex (with women) and it is always on my mind but I mean hey it feels good and it can be something that can change up your whole day into something positive. I mean maybe it is my gf who just makes me so addicted to the pussy that I can’t get enough. Yea I still have my wifey by my side. I love her and she is the best. She has done nothing but be there for me in my hard times. This girl is a baller for real and I can respect that. I want to be just like her when I grow up lol. As I watch her sleep though I wonder if she is thinking of me or is she caught up in the dream world and living out some fantasy that the universe wants her to see. I always wonder if she feels the same for me but then she does something crazy out of the ordinary and just makes all those doubts go away. Sighs…marriage may still be in the near future for me. After I transition legally I can get married to her. I can’t let her go…I REFUSE TO! I refuse to let some other guy or girl come scoop up one of the last good females left out there and I lose out to stupidity. HMMPH!!! I am not going to be one of those guys living who look back and want to smack myself in the face for losing such a great girl to arrogance. Well it is really early in the morning 3:57 to be exact and I am on here writing. I guess you never know when you will have the inspiration to write something from the heart. It has to do with the truth coming from my soul. I really feel like I am a man on the inside of this female body who is afraid to become who he really is due to the world’s biases and prejudice. A man who wants a real penis and not a piece of skin grafted from somewhere else to make it look legit. I do not want the bootleg. I want the real thing! Life can really be a bitch sometimes since I can’t get what I want. It is not possible at the moment. Hopefully when I am ready to pursue bottom surgery there will be an option out there for me to be satisfied with. I do not want to risk doing any kind of surgery till then because I am afraid I will miss out on any chance that I will have if I try to jump to soon. Well I am off this to lay up with my wife. Hopefully she will be my wife soon.