Abundance Mindset

I make my abrupt return to this platform developing myself into a new man.

I keep hearing of this “abundance mindset” from many of the everyday men that I talk to and watch online.

I am very good at having this mindset in other avenues inside my life. Unfortunately relationships wasn’t one of them.

Till as of late, I would have such a scarcity thought process.

Well this time again I was in love.

Love had me ignoring all the major red flags I should’ve seen in the beginning.

I saw the good in her regardless of her past. I’m learning that you need to pay attention to what someone has dealt with. It can be a factor later on.

There was also a lot of pain coming from both sides so I feel it added more fuel to the fire.

The therapist told us we could work it out but we stopped going.

I guess this will be one or those things that isn’t going to work because we gave up along with other issues of disrespect that was inside of the relationship.

I wasnt always the best to her but I loved her with all of me. I wanted us to be like that power couple I know we could have been but that’s dead it seems.

She just told me this week she had sex with someone during our breakups.

At first I was upset because of the thought of someone sleeping with my woman.

I couldn’t get the visual out if my head…

But then it occurred to me, I was not entitled to any type of loyalty at that time. I thought love would bring us back together with some time apart.

Shit Was I Wrong!

Soooooo much has went on in the last few months, I’m like damn I dont know how I’m going to fit this in one post. I plan on writing more as I get the power to share my truth.

Following all of my emotional outburst I began to have so much clarity as to what I’ve done wrong over the course of my life.

My mindset is not right…

I know this for a fact because all of my relationships have failed.


I do not completely blame myself for what has occurred through all my life because that would be me not giving the assholes who have stumbled my way their fair share of the collapse.

I can be honest though and say I am not ready to be anyone’s husband.

This year alone has taught me so much in terms of the game in being a man. I have to take my position as such seriously and be a leader of a pack.

It means taking MYSELF more seriously as a human being but more so as a MAN.

This is so powerful. I didn’t even realize this due to my upbringing as a female.

I have been learning things as of late from men that are around me everyday. This includes the drug dealers, my barber, and my real estate mentor.

I feel all of these talks will make me not just book smart but street smart as a male.

I’ve been approaching women more frequently in my everyday journeys and I must say I’ve had some success with getting contact info and numbers.

There have been flakes and ones who are “gay” per se. This girl told me today that she “didnt do” men. She still offered me her number and wants to hang out.

I figured I’ll take the number because she may know others who like men like myself!


Another girl just didnt want to give me her number. That’s fine too. I got it out of the way. I forgot about her soon as I walked away. I hope I dont hit on her again!


This relationship self help blog that I follow speaks of women in the realist way possible.

“Every girl you pass could be a future girlfriend/fuck buddy. It’s up to you as a man to start the interaction just as it is your job to penetrate a womans pussy”

I never looked at my new found position as a man in society to this extent.

I see with more rejection it does indeed breed confidence.

Girls stop for me when I talk to them so I know I’m not butt ugly!


It’s still quite a barrier sometimes to speak to people and get over my codependency issues. I notice I still freeze up to talk to some women. I’m sure I’ll get over it as I do my daily approaches.

I feel like I still care to an extent much about what people think about me. Its something I deal with day to day.

However I have started to realize who I was and what I was capable of. My confidence has just soared as of late.

I see it like this. Whoever comes my way and it doesnt work out wasnt meant to be.

I used to put so much emotional emphasis on how I was making my partner/friends feel and not thinking of myself. That was the wrong idea.

It wont be happening any longer.

I am focused on my purpose and worrying about padding my bank accounts.

Something in me today breeded this post. I open my eyes wide and will let the sun shine in. The future is bright!

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

When Demons Attract…

It’s dark down there…
Be careful or you might fall in with me…

My demon has had time to manifest so much energy in my life. I know for a fact he’s been fucking these girls I’ve been with…
He has a need that can’t be fulfilled easily…

Internal pain is what I have shared with others in my short life. It felt oh so good to feed from that energy…into that nectar…so intoxicating…endless.

It’s good to be bad.

Until it overflows onto life…not just in the bed where the juices were spilled and sucked up. 

That pussy was oh so good…

Hitting raw…

Cumming inside…

Feeding on all that sexual energy…

I will feel it again…

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Out of the Woodworks


The semester has gotten hectic so I’ve been focusing on getting this GPA up. Life has been so great to me as of late. I went to visit the NY Court of Appeals in Albany, NY along with my law program a couple weeks back. It was a very eye opening experience as to why I would like to pursue my law degree in the first place. The lack of the black community represented in this court was so disappointing considering the amount of “minorities” that graduate from law school year to year. There were ZERO African American lawyers and only one judge who is injured at the moment who was unable to be present but was able to watch online from a camera which streams their cases online. I am not sure what law school to go to but I know for a fact that I will infiltrate this market and represent African Americans the way we deserve to be seen.

Now into the nitty gritty of things…I have been having a very active sex life as of late. I am in a relationship with a fine young female who has blown my mind. One of the weekends we spent together we went at it off and on for about 12 hours and let me tell you this Scorpio right here…“I’m on fire!” Our sex is phenomenal. We make eye contact and I can feel the heat between us. It can be so intense you would’ve thought that I’ve never gotten a taste of some good good. We are both in shock at how great our bond is but this can all be attributed to our spiritual connection as well. There have been so many things that have been in sync in our lives you would think this was all a fairy tale.

On the other hand I really want to get my bottom surgery done. I think about daily how much easier it will be for me to do simple things men take for granted like using the urinal for instance. I go into the men’s bathroom daily with the fear of peeing on myself, the packer falling out of my pants or just plain being seen emptying out the excess pee to avoid back flow on myself. I am grateful with the opportunity to have someone to be intimate with so I’m not going to complain on that front. I just feel very dysphoric about my lack of a penis in between my legs. Everytime I have to stop and go into my closet for my strap on I feel some type of way. I am very blessed that I can get off with the use of my strap on alone due to the place of my genitals and the sensitivity that I have. Your mind is your biggest sex organ which has been in my favor. I get very worked up with my woman so it’s pretty easy to get where I need to be. I’m at a loss for words with how life is coming together but hey it could be worse. I’ll update more as the semester ends.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Hot like Fire


I’ve been spending some time with a very beautiful person inside and out. Incredible in many ways…She’s so giving and such a sweetheart. It took some magic to soften that hardened Brooklyn exterior that life has helped to create. Once you get past that, her gentleness, and that oh so sexy femininity shows itself and intertwines with my masculinity to create something more then just casual intimacy. Her curves are out of this world. I’ve ridden them all the way around the bend and I can tell you every second was ecstasy. It’s like a whirlwind of emotions has come through to leave us both very confused to what we want.

It all started with a date to the village. I was celebrating my father’s birthday with some good ol’ Mary Jane and some sultry old school Sade. “Sweetest Taboo” is one of my favorite songs that I remember my father always listening to those days he would be cleaning up the house. On his birthdays since he passed away, I usually just chill by myself and reflect on life and where I want to go. This year I was expecting a level of comfort from people that I did not get and I felt I deserved. I had happened to start talking to this young lady some days before after my neighbors had a party. That night we talked about many things including Trans Male Penis size which you can find here. It was something about her that I couldn’t help but be attracted to this woman. We talked and I was feeling the vibe I couldn’t help but ask to stay connected.

Fast forward to last weekend of my dad’s birthday we went to hang out in the village and she showed me new things I’ve never been exposed to. We did some bar hopping, ate some good ass food and got some massages. We ended up back at my house where she dozed off in my arms. We woke up to spend time together just chatting about finances and the SEC. But then it just got real hot…we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and just had to stop it all before it went to far. She had to leave on business and I was left with a hard one and her on my mind.

A day went by and she was supposed to be off on the business trip. She is an accountant and was going off with her firm to do training. Life that day made sure we would be able to see each other. She was not able to get on her flight and had time to see me as I live right by the airport. She came by and that internal Scorpio flame inside me could not be tamed. We could not keep our hands off each other and ended up going the absolute distance. It was so hot in that place! By the time everything was said and done, I was left with something inside me stirring that I haven’t felt in a long time. She left and went on her trip and I was feeling so good. We talked the whole time she was away and even met up when she came back. We just spent the last few days together…It was amazing! I’m not really sure what’s going on right now with this situation but I’m just going to enjoy the company of this beautiful woman and cherish the moments.

It is so refreshing to actually feel stress free and open to change. I do have excess baggage in the background but I’m not going to allow that to diminish my future blessings. Just one weekend has strengthened my values and it gave me that extra pep I’ve been needing. I definitely will not be taking anymore crap from women in relationships. If a woman is not looking to build and grow with me I’m going to go elsewhere with my time because I know my worth. This one right here is my complete opposite.

What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness.

John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley: In Search of America


*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Baby Making Part 2


Note: If you are a close family member or friend who follows my blog and you don’t want to know some details of my sex life, stop reading now.

You can find part one of my “Baby Making” writings here.

It seems like everyone is infatuated with the idea of sex and/or baby making. I can’t lie, I love me some good good as well. It can be life changing. If done with the right person your breath will be taken away. In the sheets sweaty, heavy breathing, skin caressing, bodies intertwined in ecstasy. Losing yourself in the feeling while traveling to places far beyond the physical realm. Your souls will truly connect when given to the right person. If the timing is right and you are both cisgender, a baby can be the next step. I speak on it all the time but I HATE that I can’t procreate with a woman. I have been told “the way we do it, I should’ve had a couple kids by now”. Now this does boost my ego because it means a brother is doing his thing but it does leave me feeling a bit sad I won’t have my genetic mini me. I will be content with raising an adopted baby and if my significant other is willing to have a baby even better. I’m starting to have signs of baby fever and it does not seem to be going away. I turn 27 next week and I’m getting that itch.


After speaking with many cisgender males about their inadequacies, my worries are worth nil. There will always be people in the world with unfair advantages so just suck it up! When it comes to reproduction, there are plenty of men who are sterile or who are just plain unhappy with their genitalia. I will have the opportunity one day to change all that with my bottom surgery which you can read about here but I will still be unable to naturally conceive with a woman. I want to be able to feel her opening up to me as I enter…Feel her getting wetter with every stroke. I’m a Scorpio lover so my mind is always in the gutter. Besides being very dirty minded, I understand the spiritual damage that can occur if sex is used as a weapon or is done with selfish motives. Every person you let into your being you’re left with baggage that can be positive or negative. I’d hate to co-parent with an energy vampire in my life, which would then make the experience of being a father a job instead of the happy “American Dream” picture that I’m hoping to create. Thanks for reading.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Trans Man Talk: Does Size Matter?


I was chatting with a very interesting young lady about penis size and how much it matters to a woman. I see that it varies depending on the lady. When I told her I looked to get a 7 to 8 inch penis, she semi frowned at me like she was disappointed. She said to me “if you can choose why go small?”


The average male is 5.16 inches long and has about a 4.19 inch circumference according to the Huff Post. After going back and forth we came to the conclusion that there is a stigma in the African American community on penis size. My answer to this was “my preferable penis size is not for the pleasure of you, it’s for my comfort. 8 inches is small relatively speaking. “ She said she likes them big so she can feel full. I have heard this from multiple women in my community so im seeing that size can be a factor in a mans sexual relationship with women. I know it would be possible to tame an anaconda but I really don’t feel the need to impress anyone. My future boo will just need to be happy with what I have or keep it moving. I know for a fact the size that I want is good enough for thick women to enjoy. So that’s what I’m sticking to for now. I have plenty of time to rethink my penis size so I’m not going to stress all that just yet.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Polyamory/ Polygomous Relationships


I was talking to this interesting female yesterday who was great with conversation. She is a chef/allied health professional/model. I love to talk to hustlers/entrepreneurs like myself. It intrigues me. Now it got to a point in our convo when she threw out there that she was involved with the polyamorous lifestyle. Like most people I confused it with being polygamous which is something completely different. I’m still waiting for her outline of the differences between the 2 but until then I did my own research for my curiosity and education because I mean you can learn something new everyday.

Polyamory relationships can include ‘many loves’ or sexual partners. It’s not affliated to any religious background or following.
Communication is key in these types of relationships I’ve learned. Everyone in the relationship would be aware of one another so it’s not cheating. To be in this type of relationship, I feel I would need to be very secure with myself and less possesive. It’s something new I’m learning about so I won’t throw the idea to the wayside. I’ve only known monagomy as a way of life but I won’t be quick to judge someone else’s lifestyle because I’m ignorant to its qualities.

Pologamy involves marriage to multiple partners. When a man is married to more then one female it’s called polygyny. When a woman is wed to more then one man its referred to as polyandry. Some polyamorous relationships involve marriage like in a “home base” type of thing with serious relationships on the side. Just when I was I beginning to think I knew everything, life opened my eyes even more.


My motivation lately has been low for my outside endeavors because of stress on the homefront. I go home with a chip on my shoulder as I feel daily I am going to punch my neighbor in the face. We have had multiple run ins for the the last few weeks and tension is high. Patience is not even the word to use when dealing with my life situations. I am that guy who goes till the wheels fall off even when I know I shouldn’t. I call it borderline stupidity sometimes when it comes to just letting go. I have found that people seem to have it easy when it comes to leaving me hanging but when I do it, life all goes to crap. I am all of a sudden a bad guy when it occurs. I have decided to put on my man pants and let go of the excess baggage. I will be updating my blog but I plan on going ghost in certain peoples lives so I can figure out if I want them around or not. Why waste any of my precious time on anyone who wont do the same for me? These seconds of my life that I spend sending messages and making phone calls to no response, I could’ve been deep in my real estate book learning the laws of my state. I could’ve been pursuing that really cute girl in my philosophy class which I have been putting off. I’ve talked to her more on a friendly tip but next week the real games begin. I don’t plan to get myself into any more serious relationships for awhile till I can learn to be content by myself but it will be nice to play around and talk to more women with brains and beauty.

Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.

-Deborah Reber, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Letting It All Hang Out…


I found this funny picture of this cat and couldn’t resist using it to express how vulnerable I’ve made myself to others by putting this blog out there.

My Claim To Fame

I love women. I knew from grade school I was “weird” at least in the eyes of the avid heterosexual back in the 90’s. It was around 3rd or 4th grade that I felt my first attractions to the female gender. My first crushes were 2 lightskin, fair-haired females who were pretty girls but into sports. My concept of beauty at that time was artificial. 

I remember the girls all calling me a “tomboy” as I got a little older now in junior high. I would wear windbreaker pants and vest. The outfit would be topped with the matching headband with the Nike check to the side. As I speak on in my last article here, I idolized Nelly ALOT. I always felt jealous of people who had confidence in themselves. I was never completely happy growing up as a teen female. I could never approach a woman the way I wanted for fear of rejection and ridicule. I recall an incident where a girl who was part of the rainbow crew in my school wore a “Barbie is a Lesbian” t-shirt and it sparked such controversy. You can look at this article here. It scared the crap out of me and chased me further into the closet.

For the next 2 years of my life I pretended to be someone I wasn’t. This included acting like I was attracted to the opposite sex with my loose girl clothes on. I hated the color pink and despised life for not birthing me as a male. I was a homophobe or at least pretended to be to fit in with my friends. It wasn’t up until I couldn’t take it anymore. I was living a great lie. Almost overnight my personality changed. I started to don a different color du-rag on the regular along with some of my dad’s old pants and loose t- shirts. I ended writing a letter to the main chick that I ridiculed telling her my true feelings and asking to be my friend. Long story short she ended up being my first girlfriend. She introduced me to a theater program formally known as “City at Peace NY”. It is now called the Possibility Project and can be found by clicking here. Here is where I learned I could be myself and opened up to the life of the rainbow. There were so many people like myself in the community and the support was rock solid. Even with all that it still did not feel right.

I did not feel somewhat complete until my freshman year in college after I bought my first prosthetic. There was an almost instant relief in my psyche. I could be intimate with a femele the way that I wanted which is through penetration. I would sometimes wear the device on a regular day because I liked how it felt between my legs. I attributed these feelings to “penis envy” and left it at that.

Fast forward about 5 years into around 2011 when I started to look up testosterone supplements. I saw pictures of women with muscular bodies who would dominate physical routines. I looked up the side effects of this stuff and they include some of the following:

Clitoromegaly (enlargement of the clitoris)
Facial hair growth
Deepening of the voice
Male pattern baldness

At the time there was no way that could happen. I thought “How would people look at me? What would my partner think?”. It was not until I was looking up an old friend when I found out my own truth. I saw him in transition and was amazed at his changes. I saw the acronym FTM in his gender category so I googled it and found so many guys who felt like me. The first blog I read was here at Ethan Daniels website. It took me to many other blogs and resources that I have used in my own transition. I learned that it was OK to be who I wanted to be.

Since then I have been on hormones and have transformed my body and spirit. I love who I am today and have had so much relief with my dysphoria as I see the man I want now but I still feel like I’m missing equipment. I want to have Bottom Surgery and I have explain the specifics on on a past blog here. My intimate life has gotten so much better the more I feel like “me” though so I can be a bit patient with this process. I will continue on till my physical transition is over and continue with my spiritual and financial growth. Thanks for reading.

If you’re looking for more transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Extension de pénis: Freetom Prosthetic Review

About 7 months ago, I invested in the Rogue 4 in 1 Freetom Prosthetic which you can look at on the website here. I ordered the dark brown color. It is meant for use in intercourse, packing, pleasing the wearer, and to stand to pee or as a stp device. My toy has the length and girth of 5.5 inches around. I’ll get into each feature detailing my experience with the device. These products can be pricey so if your balling on a budget I would look elsewhere. I paid 189.99 for this toy.

This is the first and last packer that I will ever need to buy. On a regular day, I will just wear it without a harness and it does me justice. There have been times it moved around but my underwear were to blame for that. I now use Champion Performance boxer briefs which you can see here. I tend to buy them from Modell’s because of the 2 for 20 sale they typically have with these. I buy the cotton and polyester fabric. When doing heavy activity, I go with the polyester. It wicks away the sweat to keep you nice and dry. I went down a size smaller in underwear to keep him snug and to prevent heat rash and discomfort. I tried to use this product with a harness once (not included) as a courier. It’s made for use without one but you can use one, its your choice. That was a bad decision for me. The harness irritated the hell out of me. I sweat a lot and got bad “rug burn” around my hips from the rubbing of the nylon. I never used it with a harness again. I would suggest a better material if you insist on using one. These products are made big (at least to me) and are not made for guys who wear tighter pants. It can create a huge bulge in your pants. The smaller the better in this case if looking for just a packer to buy. It comes with a pleasure rod that is removable. I prefer to use it without the rod when not in play. The rod makes it harder to move in certain directions.

In this section I will include both reviews of sex for the giver and the receiver. In terms of sexual intercourse (coming from a female who is cisgendered whose had sex with cisgendered men) she thought it was a bit hard. She enjoyed the width more then anything. I used it with a condom to prevent irritation of her vagina and protect the toy. If your significant other likes deep penetration 5 inches will not be enough. It would fall out of her in certain positions but it was stiff enough without the use of the rod for play if desired. I also used an O ring harness with the toy. When it comes to the pleasure glide, I felt absolutely nothing. I thought it had to do with the position of my junk. I have had significant growth on t down there but I’m hanging low. Even when positioned correctly, I didn’t feel anything so it’s a waste of time for me. I invested this money primarily for the sexual functions and I was let down with this size.

You have to find your rhythm with this toy. It’s pretty easy to use in my opinion. The only issue I had was with back flow. You have to take your time while going. Once you master use of this it’s golden. It is definitely worth its money in this aspect. I’ve had no problems here.

Overall it is a good product. I would go bigger if I decide to invest in them again to fulfill mine and my partner’s needs. I would use my smaller one to pack because it’s the perfect size for me.

I don’t want to buy anymore toys. I look forward to when bottom surgery becomes possible for me. If I could get it tomorrow I would. I just want to feel whole. You can look at my other blog here to read about what I want from this surgery. Thanks for reading.

Here are some pics of it below. I’ll take more as I get the time.




*If you are looking for transition related material look here. Thanks for reading.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Riddle Me This…


Riddler question mark

I finally got to spend time with my boo. As I have mentioned before I am in a long distance relationship. We see each other every 4 to 6 weeks give or take. It’s good and bad to this type of relationship but so far it has been worth it.

In terms of my transition I am feeling really reckless. I want to get my bottom surgery done. Very, very bad. Everytime intimacy comes into the picture I think of it. I can see it all in my head but it’s not showing in reality. I am starting to yearn for it and have been thinking of switching my plans up just to get it done. I just don’t want to get comfortable  working for some one and get trapped in a non career position. I am not saying I am to good for it. I’ve done it all. Custodial, courier, electrical work just to name a few. I have done my fair share of hard work in the world but I feel I deserve better. You can call it millennial entitlement at it’s best. I think about what it would be like to own a company and take my future wife to Turks and Caicos.


Turks and Caicos

Bora Bora is also another spot I would live to visit.


Bora Bora

I love these huts on the water and it’s a dream to go here and ball out. I have always seen these places and know that I belong there. I will get my serenity and peace as I keep the dream alive.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.