Mindset

“You ain’t worthy, you see my love, you don’t deserve it
Can you take it, you can dish it, you can serve it, but when the tables turned on you, I’m wrong
When every man deserves happiness hey, I’m a dog, when you’re the reason that it happened all along
And I try to look past it, oh but its the, its the, its the things you do”

https://youtu.be/c6GAL_RxbfA


Oh I do so many things for you girl and still you wanna act a fool”

Writing will be updated periodically. The song says enough for now.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Lightskin Chronicles 

“Mama is a “saint”, yes she raised me real good
All because of her I don’t do you like I should
Don’t make me give you back to the hood
Don’t make me give you back”

Drake always in his feelings on his albums. Singing and getting all emotional and shit. I get it…we are both October scorpios so I understand all that gushy stuff. 

Chris Brown is another example. Bugging the fuck out over a woman. They get you in your feelings like that. Leave it to the lightskin folk to get out of pocket.

Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t so nice. My parents raised me to “treat others like you want to be treated.” Now my mother isn’t the easiest person to get to know or a saint but who is on this Earth? Once you get past the thick skin she has, everything is usually cool. She has been amazing when it comes to my transition. Her insurance paid for my top surgery which you can read about here. Dad on the other hand was a character and such a joy to be around. I was talking to an old friend the other day and he mentioned having “fond memories” of my father being a happy person. Oh how I could use the positive energy right now. 

Anyway the point of this post is to explain my issue with being just a bit too nice and having an extremely big heart even when I shouldn’t. I’ve had some extremely fucked up shit happen to me. I wonder how these same people would react if I treated them the exact same way. Even when I feel like spazzing the fuck out, I’m learning to implement keeping it cool. I’ve been told I have an attitude and an anger problem which I don’t dispute. Only when I feel i’m being provoked do I go that route. I do not take disrespect too nicely. Very rarely have I shown this side of me to people. You really have to keep pushing my buttons for me to bug out. I take quite a beating before I start going off. The little things add up to me. I don’t like pettyness and people who have the inability to listen. This really grinds my gears. This is because I consider myself a very good listener and I work very hard at this skill to prevent miscommunication. My old theater program had us listen to the life stories of everyone in the cast. It was an exercise to strengthen this much needed skill that I use to focus in class now. 

https://youtu.be/pKEh8SezV08

Formally known as City at Peace NY, this program is where I first started to fully express myself as a “stud.” I would wear all masculine clothing, and dated a “feminine” female. This is how I prefer my women to be. The cast would make frequent trips to the village and hang out. The village in NYC is considered very “LGBT” friendly and this is the spot to go if you want to express pride in your rainbow affiliation. After 16 years, I finally started to feel like I could present myself as me. We would be together for many nights after school and weekends for 8 months out of the year. 4 years I stayed in the program. I do not regret it. I made many friends who I still speak with once in a while to this very day. 


I bring up the program now known as “The Possibility Project” because I feel it saved my life by keeping me off the street during my transition from teen to young adult. A nice chuck of my patience and ability to deal with different types of people come from here so I am eternally grateful. My parents have WAY LESS patience then I do. I praise the program for my over abundance of empathy. Having great mentors around me in tune with themselves was a blessing. 


I’m a big believer in things happening in sync. Today I’m posting my 113th post on 3/11. I have also had the “pleasure” of working at 311 this past summer. I would’ve still been there but I left on my own. It didn’t fit into my school schedule at all. I needed that extra study time. Anyway I’m hoping the universe will give me a sign of something today. It needs to be big. Thanks for reading.

“I just wanna let you know that someone love you back
All the Cadillac, like I’m Teddy Pendergrass
Whippin’ on this shit I’m getting ready, where you at?
Riding…”

(I UPLOADED THE POST AT 3:11 AM)

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

“The Good Guy”

Now I’m not writing this post knocking my boy Stevie J. I respect him as a real artist who can definitely play an multitude of instruments. 

Stevie and I share a couple of qualities. He is a Scorpio like myself who is hungry to be better then he was yesterday. He makes a gazillion mistakes on a daily basis but he makes up for it by trying to come out stronger and better. Watching the show, you see he gets into many Entrepreneurial endeavors. This includes partnering up with Benzino to open a restaurant and having a pre-workout supplement called “Danger Zone” that’s for sale right now. I plan on giving it a try once my money becomes a bit more stable. 

I love to work out and I am inspired by him to get my body even tighter than it was at my peak. First I’m going to be doing the “Insanity” workout to drop some weight. Next it will be the muscle gain. I hope to follow at least in those footsteps of his with the exercise and hustle. On the other hand, we also have a bad habit of attracting not so nice women into our lives.

Joseline you could see was trouble from the start. She got with him while he was in a relationship with his baby mother Mimi. They denied any claims of being together even with all the excessive flirting and inappropriate things they were doing in the public and behind closed doors. During the course of their union, he played with her and she played back doing inexcusable things. Current news is she is supposed to be pregnant with his baby on the show. I do not think she was actually pregnant regardless of what was shown on the opening episode. I think it was all fake right along with Beyoncé s pregnancy with Blue Ivy but that’s for another post. 

Now here’s where we differ…

I was binge watching the older seasons of the show before it came back on last night and I couldn’t help but notice how bad he is with women. This dude is not loyal at all! First there was Mimi, a baby mama to one of his daughters whose also a 20 year friend. He bought a family home for the 3 of them to live in the suburbs. As a music producer, he did most of his work in the studio in the city area where he also acquired an apartment for him to stay in on his late nights. Joseline was one of his artists at first. Since he has a bad habit of mixing business with pleasure, they ended up messing around. 

They would go to the extra apartment he had to have their sexual rendevous. As of right now, they aren’t together on the show. During the season break, he had a spinoff called “Leave It To Stevie.”

During the course of the show you saw him level up in the lady department with one of his longtime friends. He had a chance to date Faith Evans. Now this was a big step up from what he usually attracts. She was a real woman. I don’t feel like Faith would go out of her way to hurt him and play games like immature Joseline. She was graceful with it and I appreciate that about her. Grinding and level headed, I feel that’s what he needs from a wife. I take this advice into account for myself because now after all of the heartache, I know what I don’t want to become and who I dont want to marry. I want peace and stability in my life.

I’ve been buying some sage along with this other root to bring positive energy into my life and I suggest that Stevie J do the same. Some people don’t mature just with age, it takes experiences. Hopefully Stevie will stay faithful to the right woman. I feel when you find the one”, it will all work out in your favor and things will fall into place. If it’s not meant to be it won’t. Thanks for reading. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.


*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Facebook Addiction

Hi..My name is Suites and I have a Facebook Addiction. Coming to terms with this was very hard. It’s something that I had to sit down and ponder about. When my mind had nothing else to wonder about I would find myself scrolling down my Facebook timeline for minutes on end, feeding my energy into this powerful entity. I regard it as such a thing because of the amount of control it has on people’s daily lives. Life had landed me with a number of future opportunities to work for the city. All of these employment orientations have led me to giving up my social media identities for them to look at before they hire me. The importance this website has on my future is paramount. I do not want to make this a staple of my time on Earth. 

It has been about a week since I deactivated my Facebook account. On the first day, to my surprise I felt very anxious. I would pick up my phone with many thoughts including going back to Facebook and calming my nerves. Ignoring these feeling I went on to do many things including:

  • Worked out more often
  • Read real estate articles
  • Spent more time living outside of the phone screen

 The list goes on with the things I did with my newfound minutes each day. I still do have my Instagram account and post quotes once in a while but it is not something I spend a lot of my time on. I choose not to have a Snap chat or other accounts because these things are a time waster in my opinion. 

I think of the simple times before all of the electronic devices and the Internet. The 90’s into the 2000’s were some of the best years of my life. It just happened to be during the time when the Internet and cell phones were brand new and not very relevant to everyday life. I imagined my timeline during the Super Bowl game and felt very blessed to be able to enjoy the moments of watching the game and not caring about the “likes” on my post. I really don’t give a damn about people’s opinions any longer.

Like any addiction this will take time to get completely off of my mind though. I will not say that I don’t get weak sometimes. I’m human and I make so many damn mistakes but then I wake up the next day a new man with new choices to make. One day I’ll be reveling in the success that I deserve to have. I have to put it out into universe to create for me so I’m claiming everything I want in life to be mine. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

“Ignorance is Bliss”

      Why is the world the way it is?  The answer to that is Satan works through the global elite to bring as many souls with him down to hell. I do not want to sugar coat the spiritual battle that takes place everyday. Wars, diseases,terrorist attacks among other things are planned to implement new policies and restrictions for the masses to follow to turn all that we know into a police state. Call me a conspiracy theorist if you’d like but the facts are present online if people would only look.

      I was researching the illuminati and freemasonry some years ago but I have started again to refresh my knowledge on why certain things happen the way that they do. The illuminati consists of Royal Bloodlines which are working towards their goal of controlling everything. Click here for the link to the “Illuminati News”, one of the many websites I visit to get more knowledge about these societies.
      

     Here are a couple of videos about the music industry that I have watched if you’re looking to put the pieces together to the puzzle about how that system is set up. 

        I went to the barbershop to get a cut and had more questions because I heard one of the other barbers speaking on this a few weeks prior. It renewed my interest. I wanted to pick my particular barbers brain a little bit:

Me: What do you know about the illuminati?

Barber: Not much…

Random Patron: They run everything, sports, media, music…you name it. Devil worshippers they are…

Barber: They do a bunch of secret rituals…homosexual things they don’t speak of. If people knew about it, they wouldn’t support any of these industries.

I noticed my barber spoke  up when he saw that this other person in the shop made some comments. The question I then asked in my head….why do people know this stuff and say nothing? 

I researched his homosexual statements and found this video below:

    This stuff can make your head hurt when you’re used to living in a dream world….I get it. Just try and be open minded when reading and do your own research. Just don’t believe what the world/media says to you. This awakening was making me paranoid at one point that’s why I stopped researching the first time. I would go outside looking at the world like I was walking through the Matrix. It makes me think of this scene where Morpheus speaks on why most of this knowledge isn’t widespread for more to see.

The Matrix is actually filled with a lot of symbolism as to how the world is just like how it is presented in the movie but that’s another story.

It got to the point where I was like ” ignorance is bliss.” I was missing the life I had before I found out the truth. Now a few years later, I’m happy that my eyes were opened. I’m awake and I can work my way around what the system wants from me as a black male. I can keep my spirit cleansed of the demonic spirits that run the entertainment industry. I do not monetarily support these people any longer.  I still listen to music and watch football but I download most of it. I’m not giving my money to them to push forward the agenda of making the average person a slave. I just know to pray to GOD and not get myself hypnotized by what the industry flashes in front of me. I no longer idolize any of these artists/players. They won’t lead me into hell with them. I’ll write more specific blogs on the entertainment industry as I learn more. Thanks for reading.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Domestic Violence Against Males

If you’re a male victim of domestic violence click here for more resources. Gay and Transgender males in the NYC area can call (212) 714-1141

I was just watching an episode of Maury about Domestic abuse to women. Now I’m all for women getting the help that they need when they are not being given the respect that they deserve but there are plenty of resources for them. I’m a bit flabbergasted though that men are not on these shows along with the women. It’s not only an epidemic for the one gender. Men are abused by their partners as well. I have been hit by a significant other and it has messed with my head. I have been through a lot in my life so it’s  just another hurdle to get over. I am still here on this planet so there is time to heal and pull it all together. I was working the primary election where I met a judge aid. She was telling me about some of the twisted women that she had met in the court who are just as vindictive if not more evil then the guys. It was a random conversation that had come up but it was something I needed to hear. I will never let any person put their hands on me again. I recently made a promise and swore to my father that it wouldn’t happen again. I also asked for his protection and guidance with these issues. 

If there are any guys out there who have been mentally, physically,  or mentally abused don’t stay silent. Tell people who can help you get back to you like a therapist or close friend. You need to get your strength back. Remember it is not your fault. Whenever someone lashes out in anger like that, it is their own insecurities and issues they are dealing with. Don’t let them put that on you. If you’ve had enough leave. Unless they go and get help and commit to it. Everyone has their flaws but we are all adults. Do not let anyone put their hands on you! You are no one’s child if you’re in a relationship. 

Just writing about this issue that I was having has helped me to cleanse and get rid of that negative spirit that was on me. I will not allow it to happen again.  

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Insensitive 

The art of anger and loud screaming, without anyone or anything to stop them. Forgetting that the other person has feelings because your pride and ego trump even the bonds and loyalty of the relationship. No one takes accountability for their actions and points the finger away without accepting that an issue between 2 people is exactly that. A problem that those individuals contributed to and created. The ugly experiment gone wrong…“Frankenstein!” comes to life and brings chaos to everyone within distance. 

Love can induce the best high you’ve ever experienced or it can feel like I would imagine as the shock and pain of a parachute failure before crash landing back down to the reality of gravity hitting the Earth.

I thought I knew how to explain my feelings and get my point across. I feel myself sometimes on the brink of insanity. I’ve held so much pain inside along with new wounds being pierced through my heart and soul.  I try so hard to keep it together and not let that dark side of me come to surface. I can’t let the shadow take over my spirit and pull me deep into the dark where the sun no longer can grace me with its light and soulful energy. The mind has capabilities of creating enormous evil. Sit in the dark with scars on your heart you will see what I mean. 

I went and talked my therapist today to try and deal with some anger issues that I have. I have noticed that I have had issues with my attitude and anger as of late which I need help with. She told me to stop being so hard on myself. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s just having to learn from them. I can’t hold on to feelings of resentment and things from my past. I’m going to continue to write on this blog. It seems a good place to have release of my stress and it leaves me with the ability to have reflection of the growth (or not)that I make. I also need to learn to find a happy medium to reduce my stress and live in the present moment. She spoke of this present second being all we have at the moment so we need to be thriving and worrying about our immediate issues now. Don’t dwell in the past and don’t get to anxious for the future. I hope with her help I can pull the pieces together. I made my next appointment to see her soon.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.