OMG! He’s Blogging Again

 

I’m done writing long drawn out blogs feeling sorry for myself because people don’t give a fuck.

FOR REAL THEY DON’T!

No one really gives a fuck till it affects them personally. It’s ok though. It’s only human nature to be selfish in order to survive and thrive. I just had to learn this myself.

Pain has encouraged my writing as of late. Keeping it raw and unedited gives me a chance to release all the negative energy on my heart.

I don’t want any baggage that can hold me back anymore. Being completely authentic and laughing in the face of adversity will be my goals from now on. Life is to short to be serious all the time. I use to think I needed approval to make decisions in my life. I also looked to others for my happiness, which was terrible in my book. 

Everything that’s come in my path I appreciate. I wouldn’t be me without them. I feel like life has given me a wake up call with the end of my relationship. I am not where I am supposed to be because of my actions and laziness. I met the woman who I feel regardless of her flaws is the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I just wasn’t ready for her. Being overly emotional and not holding myself accountable for my mistakes has led me here.

I flunked out of college the first time by my own wrongdoing. I lost my focus after my father past away and it was hard for me to find the right path. I was always told to do things and never had to think for myself. This has influenced my thinking to this day. I am working on changing this within myself to live the life that was meant for me. I’m working on saying “no” more and keeping myself happy.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

“The Good Guy”

Now I’m not writing this post knocking my boy Stevie J. I respect him as a real artist who can definitely play an multitude of instruments. 

Stevie and I share a couple of qualities. He is a Scorpio like myself who is hungry to be better then he was yesterday. He makes a gazillion mistakes on a daily basis but he makes up for it by trying to come out stronger and better. Watching the show, you see he gets into many Entrepreneurial endeavors. This includes partnering up with Benzino to open a restaurant and having a pre-workout supplement called “Danger Zone” that’s for sale right now. I plan on giving it a try once my money becomes a bit more stable. 

I love to work out and I am inspired by him to get my body even tighter than it was at my peak. First I’m going to be doing the “Insanity” workout to drop some weight. Next it will be the muscle gain. I hope to follow at least in those footsteps of his with the exercise and hustle. On the other hand, we also have a bad habit of attracting not so nice women into our lives.

Joseline you could see was trouble from the start. She got with him while he was in a relationship with his baby mother Mimi. They denied any claims of being together even with all the excessive flirting and inappropriate things they were doing in the public and behind closed doors. During the course of their union, he played with her and she played back doing inexcusable things. Current news is she is supposed to be pregnant with his baby on the show. I do not think she was actually pregnant regardless of what was shown on the opening episode. I think it was all fake right along with Beyoncé s pregnancy with Blue Ivy but that’s for another post. 

Now here’s where we differ…

I was binge watching the older seasons of the show before it came back on last night and I couldn’t help but notice how bad he is with women. This dude is not loyal at all! First there was Mimi, a baby mama to one of his daughters whose also a 20 year friend. He bought a family home for the 3 of them to live in the suburbs. As a music producer, he did most of his work in the studio in the city area where he also acquired an apartment for him to stay in on his late nights. Joseline was one of his artists at first. Since he has a bad habit of mixing business with pleasure, they ended up messing around. 

They would go to the extra apartment he had to have their sexual rendevous. As of right now, they aren’t together on the show. During the season break, he had a spinoff called “Leave It To Stevie.”

During the course of the show you saw him level up in the lady department with one of his longtime friends. He had a chance to date Faith Evans. Now this was a big step up from what he usually attracts. She was a real woman. I don’t feel like Faith would go out of her way to hurt him and play games like immature Joseline. She was graceful with it and I appreciate that about her. Grinding and level headed, I feel that’s what he needs from a wife. I take this advice into account for myself because now after all of the heartache, I know what I don’t want to become and who I dont want to marry. I want peace and stability in my life.

I’ve been buying some sage along with this other root to bring positive energy into my life and I suggest that Stevie J do the same. Some people don’t mature just with age, it takes experiences. Hopefully Stevie will stay faithful to the right woman. I feel when you find the one”, it will all work out in your favor and things will fall into place. If it’s not meant to be it won’t. Thanks for reading. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.


*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

“Dont Save Her…She Don’t Wanna Be Saved”

I have come to the conclusion that you can’t force anyone in life to do something. They have to make the decision within themselves to take action. The only real control I have in my life are the choices I make. Sometimes my emotions can get the best of me and I get in my feelings. This is me. I am a highly emotional being who has an attitude. When my bullshit detector goes off, I tend to get out of character. What I need to learn is how to better control my emotions to make better decisions. While I know this, I just can’t figure out how to do it.

As I go towards my 30th birthday, my perspective on life is changing quite drastically. I don’t want drama in my life anymore. I like peace and quiet. An old soul I believe myself to be. I just want to lay up and enjoy people and their company while shooting the breeze. 

I was watching Lottery Ticket and I started imagining how it would feel to be free. I don’t think my road to riches will be all that simple though. My ride up the ladder will be through Real Estate. I know this is what I want to do. I’ve been looking into programs at various schools for after I graduate from undergrad. In time the pieces will come together.


*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.


*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Insensitive 

The art of anger and loud screaming, without anyone or anything to stop them. Forgetting that the other person has feelings because your pride and ego trump even the bonds and loyalty of the relationship. No one takes accountability for their actions and points the finger away without accepting that an issue between 2 people is exactly that. A problem that those individuals contributed to and created. The ugly experiment gone wrong…“Frankenstein!” comes to life and brings chaos to everyone within distance. 

Love can induce the best high you’ve ever experienced or it can feel like I would imagine as the shock and pain of a parachute failure before crash landing back down to the reality of gravity hitting the Earth.

I thought I knew how to explain my feelings and get my point across. I feel myself sometimes on the brink of insanity. I’ve held so much pain inside along with new wounds being pierced through my heart and soul.  I try so hard to keep it together and not let that dark side of me come to surface. I can’t let the shadow take over my spirit and pull me deep into the dark where the sun no longer can grace me with its light and soulful energy. The mind has capabilities of creating enormous evil. Sit in the dark with scars on your heart you will see what I mean. 

I went and talked my therapist today to try and deal with some anger issues that I have. I have noticed that I have had issues with my attitude and anger as of late which I need help with. She told me to stop being so hard on myself. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s just having to learn from them. I can’t hold on to feelings of resentment and things from my past. I’m going to continue to write on this blog. It seems a good place to have release of my stress and it leaves me with the ability to have reflection of the growth (or not)that I make. I also need to learn to find a happy medium to reduce my stress and live in the present moment. She spoke of this present second being all we have at the moment so we need to be thriving and worrying about our immediate issues now. Don’t dwell in the past and don’t get to anxious for the future. I hope with her help I can pull the pieces together. I made my next appointment to see her soon.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Stepping Stones To My Destiny…

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It has now been 21 days since I’ve had my hysterectomy. So far I have nothing interesting to report. Just taking it easy till my 6 weeks of recovery are over. I’m trying to follow the doctors orders as she drilled the rules into my head a couple days ago. I’m bugging out because everything I do to release stress, I am banned from it. I so look forward to working out again. I miss it so much! That is one thing that kept my mind right and my body tight. Coming from a life of always being overweight, I was just getting to a place where I was content with my body. Then with this surgery and knee issues ive been at a stand still when it comes to my fitness. You can look at my weight loss journey here in a previous entry. I am not able to masterbate, receive oral or have any sex for that matter because of the hidden stiches. They could be popped from internal muscle contractions which could lead to major surgery to repair my insides and more time to heal. I’m horny as hell and ready to get down with my baby. My wife was told “if you think it’s sexy, you can’t do it”. I can tell you that crushed my hopes and dreams of getting off and relieving these hormones.

I see the hysterectomy procedure as a “means to an end”. Getting an ALT phalloplasty is the ultimate goal. Law enforcement may be the way I’ll be taking to get there. I know for a fact if I can get employment going this route, my surgery will get covered in full. I’ll do back flips and cartwheels the day I can wake up, (without pain!) to my completed penis that I can use to urinate outside and penetrate a woman. You can check out the full breakdown of what I want from bottom surgery here. Writing my name in the snow is on my growing bucket list. Along with penetrating a woman…my wife preferably…it doesn’t really matter where I enter her. As long as we are both in the throes of pleasure.

It has been quite the week with everything that is going on. Things seem to be going sour in certain places but I’m trying to stay positive. I took the notary test in my state and I have to wait at least 2 weeks for the results. I’ve also been looking into law school A LOT. I have plenty to say on that topic so it will be a separate post.

I would like to add that I make periodic changes on my blog. If you decide to return in the future, this post and even others may be completely different. Sometimes I get inspiration after I publish and I’m like “oh crap, I should’ve added that”. I do what I do on here. It’s one of the few things I have complete control over. Life on the other hand…that’s another story for a different day. Thanks for reading.

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*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Polyamory/ Polygomous Relationships



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I was talking to this interesting female yesterday who was great with conversation. She is a chef/allied health professional/model. I love to talk to hustlers/entrepreneurs like myself. It intrigues me. Now it got to a point in our convo when she threw out there that she was involved with the polyamorous lifestyle. Like most people I confused it with being polygamous which is something completely different. I’m still waiting for her outline of the differences between the 2 but until then I did my own research for my curiosity and education because I mean you can learn something new everyday.

Polyamory relationships can include ‘many loves’ or sexual partners. It’s not affliated to any religious background or following.
Communication is key in these types of relationships I’ve learned. Everyone in the relationship would be aware of one another so it’s not cheating. To be in this type of relationship, I feel I would need to be very secure with myself and less possesive. It’s something new I’m learning about so I won’t throw the idea to the wayside. I’ve only known monagomy as a way of life but I won’t be quick to judge someone else’s lifestyle because I’m ignorant to its qualities.

Pologamy involves marriage to multiple partners. When a man is married to more then one female it’s called polygyny. When a woman is wed to more then one man its referred to as polyandry. Some polyamorous relationships involve marriage like in a “home base” type of thing with serious relationships on the side. Just when I was I beginning to think I knew everything, life opened my eyes even more.

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My motivation lately has been low for my outside endeavors because of stress on the homefront. I go home with a chip on my shoulder as I feel daily I am going to punch my neighbor in the face. We have had multiple run ins for the the last few weeks and tension is high. Patience is not even the word to use when dealing with my life situations. I am that guy who goes till the wheels fall off even when I know I shouldn’t. I call it borderline stupidity sometimes when it comes to just letting go. I have found that people seem to have it easy when it comes to leaving me hanging but when I do it, life all goes to crap. I am all of a sudden a bad guy when it occurs. I have decided to put on my man pants and let go of the excess baggage. I will be updating my blog but I plan on going ghost in certain peoples lives so I can figure out if I want them around or not. Why waste any of my precious time on anyone who wont do the same for me? These seconds of my life that I spend sending messages and making phone calls to no response, I could’ve been deep in my real estate book learning the laws of my state. I could’ve been pursuing that really cute girl in my philosophy class which I have been putting off. I’ve talked to her more on a friendly tip but next week the real games begin. I don’t plan to get myself into any more serious relationships for awhile till I can learn to be content by myself but it will be nice to play around and talk to more women with brains and beauty.

Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.

-Deborah Reber, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Bringing the Blog Up To Speed…

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I was on a roll with this blog before school got so intense. I’ve been spending my time living life instead of dwelling in the digital. Right now, I have been doing well in school. I find myself actually excelling in the “world of academia”. I was very skeptical when I started due to the money I’d have to put out. I decided to head on back to my old CUNY school to keep costs as low as possible. I don’t plan on letting student loan debt become something that cramps my lifestyle by only taking out as much as I need. Next semester when I qualify for more aid, I’m going to save the grants in a bank account so that when I finish my first degree, I can buy my first property. Spending money to increase your future net worth is more then worth it. This all started with life giving me an answer through my long time friend and brother on the phone. I haven’t seen him in years but I know he meant well when he told me to go back to school. I’m so happy and blessed that I listened. I must say it has given me my mojo back. My self-esteem and spirit have grown immensely in the last couple of months. I feel strong and I’m learning my worth. I refuse to settle for subpar relationships and quality of life. I had a female contact me today feeling some type of way after being deleted a while back. I’m not looking for any more random friends on my page nor am I looking to waste my time. We messaged back and forth maybe twice before I didn’t get a response for days. I don’t chase after women like they are objects so that didn’t phase me. I used to get my confidence from outside of my being and I see that was the problem in itself. I have to love myself to get the authentic passion that I deserve. Rejection or failure in those things have taught me lessons that I should’ve learned but I’m starting to get now. Being a man is more then just the physical aspects. It’s an all around lifestyle being able to provide and lead for myself and my family on a daily basis. I’m very traditional when it comes to gender roles so I need a wife whose not afraid to be submissive but has a backbone not to put up with my bs. She has to be willing to mother and nurture my children while I work at least until they are of pre-school age. Then I could feel more at ease with letting them into the watchful eyes of a stranger.

I passed both the court officer and BTO exams while in the process for applying for more city tests. I’m very tempted to take the NYPD exam when they start to offer it again. I was explaining to a friend that I feel like I’d be going against some sort of inner code by taking that oath. It’s internalized oppression affecting my thoughts even though I know better than that. It’s a great stable job with benefits that I could use as a stepping stone to get to the next level in my life. It will all just require patience and chess like decision-making on my part. I need be able to fit my bottom surgery into all of this as well. I know that I wont be content until I can wake up and feel physically completely whole. I work everyday until I can revel in that feeling.

I do have my hysto pre-surgical appointment coming up so this is a step forward for my transition. This is something I’m going to have to do to be able to have the bottom surgical procedure that I want. You can read all about that here. Life has been giving me so much positive energy I’m guessing to balance out the extreme lows I’ve felt and right now I am content. I haven’t reached the plateau just yet but I will keep trying until I make it.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas Edison

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.