I’ve been pondering this reference a lot when it comes to transition and coming into my own as a man in this world. It is one of those things that have been drilled into my head from birth about how men are encouraged to dress, act, speak and function. I feel it is something that messes with my sense of being open minded when it comes to anything outside of the heterosexual realm of thinking. I know for a transgender male you may be thinking how this is possible. When you add on the background in which I grew up in along with my ego, it really does not leave much space for openness. This is just another excuse to being stuck in my mindset but so be it. For the most part every functional adult has morals, values and beliefs. They could’ve been molded from family, friends or church but your way of thinking what is “right or wrong” all came to be from what you were exposed to while coming of age.
Growing up physically as an African American woman was rough. There was a lot of pressure from the outside world to conform to perms and little dresses. When you didn’t you were ousted as a “tomboy”. At first this used to bother me and there were times I got made fun of for not being a girly girl or wanting a boyfriend. It was bad enough I was mentally male and I was attracted to girls secretly all the way through grade school. 98 percent of my close childhood friends growing up were male. With the exception of a couple of girls coming in and out of the group, I was one of the guys. I was always out there with the boys wrestling, playing tag, hopping off of swings and buildings (funny story I may write about one day), riding bikes, and going in on video games. I watched football with my dad every Sunday and knew every member of the NY Giants during those years watching with him even though I did not play the game myself. Everything that the black heterosexual male typically was encouraged to be in the 1990’s-2000’s I would try and emulate as much as possible. I was a durag and fitted hat junkie at one time or another. Nelly was one of my idols growing up. My mom at first assumed it was a crush that I had on him but that idea quickly went to the wayside as I started to wear headbands, baggy clothes and the band-aid on my face just like him. It didn’t hurt he was fit. Alpha males are stereotypically big and muscular. Men respected him and women flocked. This definitely made for me to become an idolizer and copier of him at one point. I wanted to be him because he was “that” guy. The Alpha Male.
This went on throughout to college where I hit a crossroads. I started to work out to get some of the fat off of my chest and thighs. I was always physically overweight (you can read on this here) and I was not seeing my body sculpt the way I wanted. I always kept myself bigger to hide the feminine features because in reality I wanted broad shoulders, arms, and a nice chest. I wanted to be a man but I still didn’t realize it yet. This is when I started to look up testosterone supplements to make my body more masculine. I knew nothing of transitioning at that time. I thought this would be a risk as the side effects could outweigh the benefits so I threw the idea to the wayside. I had heard of female body builders who worked off their chest and got big muscles from it but I let fear and intellect talk me out of buying off the black market.
After living as a man for a while, a lot of the things that I thought a man or “alpha male” was have drastically changed. There are men who are emotional and nurturing individuals (including myself) . Hiding and burying your feelings isn’t manly to me, it’s cowardice. An alpha male is in control of his emotions and speaks his mind without fear of offense. Now this doesn’t mean go around being an asshole to everyone either. An alpha male doesn’t need to step on other people’s toes to make himself look good. People will want to emulate him as he is not a follower in any sense. What makes a alpha male is not his body type or anatomy, It’s his state of mind. These are some of the values I have learned while living as male and I’m sure I have much knowledge to acquire the longer I go on living this life. I am all man regardless of my anatomy or shorter stature. I am my own Alpha Male.
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