Mindset

“You ain’t worthy, you see my love, you don’t deserve it
Can you take it, you can dish it, you can serve it, but when the tables turned on you, I’m wrong
When every man deserves happiness hey, I’m a dog, when you’re the reason that it happened all along
And I try to look past it, oh but its the, its the, its the things you do”

https://youtu.be/c6GAL_RxbfA


Oh I do so many things for you girl and still you wanna act a fool”

Writing will be updated periodically. The song says enough for now.

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The Good Guy Always Loses…

I can talk for days on this topic and I plan on doing just that here (lol)I start with my experiences growing up around some of my male friends. My closest friends are cisgender. Cisgender means that they identify with their gender from birth. I was around a very interesting group of individuals. We would spend most of our summers together along with my brother from another mother attending high school with me for 2 years. I was exposed to heightened masculinity at its finest. We talked about “smuts, slides, and hoes” daily as this is what females were frequently called by the people around me. Girls were getting “popped off” on the regular. I never made any judgments of my friends. I attributed it to the testosterone coursing through their veins. The over sexualized hip hop culture that we grew up to love I believe had a part as well. I would see them pick up girls and toss them to the side usually with no feelings after the interaction. This is the very same thing I saw in the MTV show Jersey Shore the other day.

I was never an avid watcher of the show when it was actually on but I love it now. There were countless episodes with Pauly D and The Situation asking women “You DTF?” There is one particular comment from Pauly D’s mouth that really stuck with me. He said “It’s Saturday, we don’t have time to waste. If they not DTF I’m moving to the next.” Dude would have chicks on backup in case one didn’t show. He had numerous women flocking to him and was an asshole most of the time. Now “DTF” for people might not ring a bell. It means “down to f@€#.” These guys were praised for their attitude and it was attributed to just being guys huh? The world is so assed backwards at times. 

During the second season, Angelina was dating a guy named José. He was taking her out on dates and courting her. Even showing up to her job in a suit to give her a gift, he was the man girls dream of. 

Charming and sweet, he wanted to sweep her off her feet. When his birthday came after numerous dates and bonding, he was still not able to have sex with her. Giving a female gifts is not a prerequisite for sex, I know this. It just happens that she was an open whore on the side. 

Vinny (pictured above) was one of her roommates who disrespected her on a daily basis and even nicknamed her the “Staten Island Dump.” Guess which one of these guys got the goodies? 

It just goes to show you that it doesn’t always hurt to be bad. It does hurt in the long run though. Girls dig it in the beginning until they get played and then they ask “where are all the real men?” Well you over looked him for the asshole who you thought was better for you. Thanks for reading guys.

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The Hottest Love Has the Coldest End

It was like the greatest high I ever felt…then you crash back down to the Earth. Harder then before…your heart is heavy from all the pain. I’ve been letting myself feel my emotions as of late. I cried today while listening to music. I want so bad to just have someone who won’t give up on me. A person who can be empathetic to my mistakes. One day I hope to be someone’s husband and baby father. Security is what I’m searching for now in my life. I don’t want to be around anything that doesn’t bring the best out of me at all times. I’m just tired of fighting. Seems like shit is always to the extreme and it’s pissing me off. I’m in my feelings right now and my mind is all over the place. I don’t know what to do. 

I don’t want love right now. The shit hurts too damn bad. I don’t want the emotions and everything that comes with it. 

I do miss the look in her eye when she tells me “I love you”. Holding her waist ever so gently and pulling her close meant the world to me. With those hips I saw one who could bear my seed and we raise them up together.  I would imagine a star studded wedding with me waiting for her down the aisle. I would see that white gown and tear up as I saw her coming towards me. I would tell her the vows that I wrote and hold her hand. Pulling the veil up to kiss those soft lips.  She becoming my Queen and I her King. I kneel before my bride and kiss her hand. I do believe now that all that was a dream. 

I hate feeling like I was set up. All she saw was herself. I hate how life flashes what I want in my face like some kind of a joke. I saw perfection while she saw deception. 


[Jhene Aiko – Chorus]
“You had to change up the game
Oh the weather is not the same
Now there’s only cloudy days
I can’t stand the rain in July
Oh July
There were fireworks exploding (exploding)
But now it’s getting colder
The leaves are turning colors
Why, it’s just not our season
The one and only reason
Baby oh baby oh
Our summer turned into fall

[Drake – Verse 2]
Damn, tell me where did all the magic go
I followed all the rules and told you everything you had to know
Had you over every night, every night was passionate
Plus you met my mother even if it was an accident
I’m confused tell me where we go wrong
I was sure that I would be with you so long
I was planning on this being something worth mentioning
Energy invested in someone I saw potential in
Who killed Chivalry they need to get their sentencing
Meanwhile we arguing and I can’t get a sentence in
And just as I predicted here we go again
They always say the hottest love has the coldest end

[Chorus]

[Jhene Aiko]
See its funny ’cause I never thought this would end but then the season changed
[Drake]
You were my, you were my, you were my girl (I was your girl)
Should’ve made, should’ve made, should’ve made you my World
Should’ve made you everything to make you happy baby
[Jhene Aiko]
Can’t wait for, can’t wait for, can’t wait for springtime
And I will turn into a butterfly
I will spread my wings and fly


https://youtu.be/G7m8dfVWLc8

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Insensitive 

The art of anger and loud screaming, without anyone or anything to stop them. Forgetting that the other person has feelings because your pride and ego trump even the bonds and loyalty of the relationship. No one takes accountability for their actions and points the finger away without accepting that an issue between 2 people is exactly that. A problem that those individuals contributed to and created. The ugly experiment gone wrong…“Frankenstein!” comes to life and brings chaos to everyone within distance. 

Love can induce the best high you’ve ever experienced or it can feel like I would imagine as the shock and pain of a parachute failure before crash landing back down to the reality of gravity hitting the Earth.

I thought I knew how to explain my feelings and get my point across. I feel myself sometimes on the brink of insanity. I’ve held so much pain inside along with new wounds being pierced through my heart and soul.  I try so hard to keep it together and not let that dark side of me come to surface. I can’t let the shadow take over my spirit and pull me deep into the dark where the sun no longer can grace me with its light and soulful energy. The mind has capabilities of creating enormous evil. Sit in the dark with scars on your heart you will see what I mean. 

I went and talked my therapist today to try and deal with some anger issues that I have. I have noticed that I have had issues with my attitude and anger as of late which I need help with. She told me to stop being so hard on myself. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s just having to learn from them. I can’t hold on to feelings of resentment and things from my past. I’m going to continue to write on this blog. It seems a good place to have release of my stress and it leaves me with the ability to have reflection of the growth (or not)that I make. I also need to learn to find a happy medium to reduce my stress and live in the present moment. She spoke of this present second being all we have at the moment so we need to be thriving and worrying about our immediate issues now. Don’t dwell in the past and don’t get to anxious for the future. I hope with her help I can pull the pieces together. I made my next appointment to see her soon.

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Vanquishing My Fears

“Never do or refrain from doing something because you are concerned with what people might think about you. The fact is that nobody is even thinking about you at all”-Brian Tracy

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I was on the BiggerPockets Real Estate Social Network today and stumbled upon the quote above. Immediately I felt like there is a higher power involved in aspects of my life. The blog I was reading spoke about embracing fear and using it to propel yourself forward. Fear is what makes all of us human but I like to now use my energy to fuel my inner animal. I feel like a beast whenever I go out. I lock eye contact with people when they talk. I am not afraid to speak my mind when I feel like it. I am learning to take the bull by the horns and man up. People will not just give you respect, it must be earned. I am trying not to breach the barrier of confidence into just being a complete asshole. I feel I will learn the difference in time so I won’t kick myself to much if I make some mistakes along the way.

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The Fear of Loneliness

I was raised as an only child so I spent a lot of time with myself. For that reason I am able to cope with loneliness in a productive way. I would use my imagination and come up with whole movie scenarios with all my toys. It was an amazing experience to have the time, space and safety to explore my mind. I did always ask for a sibling but it never happened. My dad was always a big kid anyway so I would go out with him bike riding around the neighborhood. I will always have a sense of gratitude for him being around. When mom wasn’t home it would be me and him playing the video and board games together. I did not realize how quiet this house could be without him. I hid most of my feelings of loneliness behind my consumption of marijuana and having snakes around me after he passed. Now I don’t budge as easily to the feeling any longer. I fill my time with reading more information on real estate and on here blogging. Just like stated here in my last post “Time Drainers”, I am starting to use my time like I would my money. I choose to very frugal with both because I don’t know the future in terms of my income. So that means I am alone most of the time nowadays. It’s just me and my thoughts of having an enterprise for real. I want to get my life together so I can only worry about my emotional issues.
Right now the temporary feelings of loneliness could be squandered with a quick trip to the bank to diversify my portfolio. Maybe a trip to the Islands of the French Polynesia will help heal my spirit.

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This place is truly breathtaking from the pictures. I can only imagine the moment when I’m feeling the fresh air hitting my face while floating in the majestic waters. All of this can come to pass if I learn to work with my inner energy to promote growth from within myself. I have to make it happen for not just myself but for my mother and future generations. I will not stand with people who are not completely with me any longer because I am afraid of my own thoughts and emotions. There is no reason to hide from the monster. I like to face my demons head on nowadays. After the demon sees you’re not afraid, It disappears.

“Loneliness is no longer a fear of mine…I consider it Peace of Mind”-Suites

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“Death is the Last Chapter in Time but the First Chapter in Eternity.”

I havent seen many people talking about Aaliyah’s life today.14 years ago we lost a kind soul. One of the many people say are “gone to soon”. Have we suddenly forgotten the former Princess of R&B?

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Growing up this was my very first female crush. I was in love with her music, her ability to stay humble, and physical beauty. When I catch “Romeo Must Die” on television, I always stop to watch it to take in all of the positive energy she radiated during her career. I can’t say I have a favorite album because the 3 she did release to me were all hits out of the park but her self titled album “Aaliyah” to me meant the most. It could be nostalgic value it has to me since it was her last album. You died younger then I am now and for that I am grateful for life.

Sleep in Peace
Aaliyah
01/16/79 – 08/25/01

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite songs by her. Have a nice day and thanks for reading.

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