I was forced to feel my inadequecy again today as a friend of mine will be an aunt again. She joked “I want my baby” and it set off a series of emotions that I have no control over. Jealously, sadness and other feelings swept through me all at once. I can’t and never will be able to father my own children.
It makes me feel guilty sometimes when I have sex. God is a source that I’m not sure I believe in yet but its deeply embedded in my being from birth. The teaching of the Bible itself can be hard to shake. Not only do I not have sex for procreation, I am pulling someone deeper into a bond with me everytime we are intimate with each other.
It is also mixed with feelings of envy as she is a cisgender female. She can go into any relationship without explanation and play “her role” in society. One of those roles is to bear children. I on the other hand in a few months will be completely sterile for the rest of my life. I will also be stuck on hormones indefinitely. In order for nasty things not to happen including osteoporosis, I’ll have to inject either testosterone or estrogen into my body because your body needs a hormone present to function properly.
Anyway I will not be able to get a girl pregnant the good ol’ fashioned way. We will either have to adopt, get foster children or deal with artificial insemination. Neither of the 3 sound fun to me but I have no choice here. This is the only way I will become a father. A girl can say “it’s OK” till her lips fall off but I still feel very inadequate as a man.
I can the solve the “lack of a physical penis” issue through surgery but this will take time and a lot of patience. You can see what I want from this surgery here. I hope to have some kind of insurance come through with one of these jobs I’m applying for so the procedure can be paid for in full. I would like to have my bottom surgery before I’m 30 so I can enjoy some of my youth the way I would want to without back pain.
Sighs the roller coaster never ends…
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