Baby Making

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I was forced to feel my inadequecy again today as a friend of mine will be an aunt again. She joked “I want my baby” and it set off a series of emotions that I have no control over. Jealously, sadness and other feelings swept through me all at once. I can’t and never will be able to father my own children. It makes me feel guilty sometimes when I have sex. God is a source that I’m not sure I believe in yet but its deeply embedded in my being from birth. The teaching of the Bible itself can be hard to shake. Not only do I not have sex for procreation, I am pulling someone deeper into a bond with me everytime we are intimate with each other. It is also mixed with feelings of envy as she is a cisgender female. She can go into any relationship without explanation and play “her role” in society. One of those roles is to bear children. I on the other hand in a few months will be completely sterile for the rest of my life. I will also be stuck on hormones indefinitely. In order for nasty things not to happen including osteoporosis, I’ll have to inject either testosterone or estrogen into my body because your body needs a hormone present to function properly.

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Anyway I will not be able to get a girl pregnant the good ol’ fashioned way. We will either have to adopt, get foster children or deal with artificial insemination. Neither of the 3 sound fun to me but I have no choice here. This is the only way I will become a father. A girl can say “it’s OK” till her lips fall off but I still feel very inadequate as a man. No penis/sperm to fulfill your dreams of manhood can do that to you. I can the solve the “lack of penis” issue through surgery but this will take time and a lot of patience. You can see what I want from this surgery here. I hope to have some kind of insurance come through with one of these jobs I’m applying for so the procedure can be paid for in full. I would like to have my bottom surgery before I’m 30 so I can enjoy some of my youth the way I would want to without back pain lol.
Sighs the roller coaster never ends…

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*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Next To Every Great Man…

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“there is an even greater woman”. I was sitting here about to write a blog about my celebrity crush Kandi Burress from Housewives of Atlanta when fate happened. I will write about her later and post here.

I received a phone call from my wonderful significant other who happened to be in distress. It’s sometimes hard to get time to talk because of our distance but I appreciate every moment we spend together. I hope I made you feel better honey, just as good as you made me feel today. After our talk this morning I know I found a diamond in the rough. Words like “I know you are capable of doing whatever you put your mind to” graced my ears after my over excessive ranting about ungrateful and selfish people in my life. I love you for your ability to sooth the dragon when it’s raging. You put up with my nonsense and wavering temper and let me know that I put myself in these situations and have no one to blame but myself. I have “learned to learn my lesson” and won’t be making the same mistakes twice. I don’t trust many so easily and I’m not feeling as nice. My heart is hardening with each day that goes by because the world isn’t as peaceful as it seems. I yearn to find my sanctuary and peace of mind on a daily basis as I work towards my goals.

I’m going to leave you with a link to a life changing post that I read today posted here by Healing United Movement. Thanks for reading.

*If you are looking for transition related material look here.
*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

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