Mindset

“You ain’t worthy, you see my love, you don’t deserve it
Can you take it, you can dish it, you can serve it, but when the tables turned on you, I’m wrong
When every man deserves happiness hey, I’m a dog, when you’re the reason that it happened all along
And I try to look past it, oh but its the, its the, its the things you do”

https://youtu.be/c6GAL_RxbfA


Oh I do so many things for you girl and still you wanna act a fool”

Writing will be updated periodically. The song says enough for now.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

The Hottest Love Has the Coldest End

It was like the greatest high I ever felt…then you crash back down to the Earth. Harder then before…your heart is heavy from all the pain. I’ve been letting myself feel my emotions as of late. I cried today while listening to music. I want so bad to just have someone who won’t give up on me. A person who can be empathetic to my mistakes. One day I hope to be someone’s husband and baby father. Security is what I’m searching for now in my life. I don’t want to be around anything that doesn’t bring the best out of me at all times. I’m just tired of fighting. Seems like shit is always to the extreme and it’s pissing me off. I’m in my feelings right now and my mind is all over the place. I don’t know what to do. 

I don’t want love right now. The shit hurts too damn bad. I don’t want the emotions and everything that comes with it. 

I do miss the look in her eye when she tells me “I love you”. Holding her waist ever so gently and pulling her close meant the world to me. With those hips I saw one who could bear my seed and we raise them up together.  I would imagine a star studded wedding with me waiting for her down the aisle. I would see that white gown and tear up as I saw her coming towards me. I would tell her the vows that I wrote and hold her hand. Pulling the veil up to kiss those soft lips.  She becoming my Queen and I her King. I kneel before my bride and kiss her hand. I do believe now that all that was a dream. 

I hate feeling like I was set up. All she saw was herself. I hate how life flashes what I want in my face like some kind of a joke. I saw perfection while she saw deception. 


[Jhene Aiko – Chorus]
“You had to change up the game
Oh the weather is not the same
Now there’s only cloudy days
I can’t stand the rain in July
Oh July
There were fireworks exploding (exploding)
But now it’s getting colder
The leaves are turning colors
Why, it’s just not our season
The one and only reason
Baby oh baby oh
Our summer turned into fall

[Drake – Verse 2]
Damn, tell me where did all the magic go
I followed all the rules and told you everything you had to know
Had you over every night, every night was passionate
Plus you met my mother even if it was an accident
I’m confused tell me where we go wrong
I was sure that I would be with you so long
I was planning on this being something worth mentioning
Energy invested in someone I saw potential in
Who killed Chivalry they need to get their sentencing
Meanwhile we arguing and I can’t get a sentence in
And just as I predicted here we go again
They always say the hottest love has the coldest end

[Chorus]

[Jhene Aiko]
See its funny ’cause I never thought this would end but then the season changed
[Drake]
You were my, you were my, you were my girl (I was your girl)
Should’ve made, should’ve made, should’ve made you my World
Should’ve made you everything to make you happy baby
[Jhene Aiko]
Can’t wait for, can’t wait for, can’t wait for springtime
And I will turn into a butterfly
I will spread my wings and fly


https://youtu.be/G7m8dfVWLc8

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.


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My Truth

It’s time to take my life back. I can’t be the savior of every soul that hurts or cries for help. I need to better myself first. I’ve been in a failing relationship it seems for the past 14 months. I thought I had met my dream girl but looks aren’t apparently what they seem to be. We all have our flaws and issues to deal with. Some things are more tolerable then others. 

I am someone who has held in a lot of my anger over the years. People have treated me like shit while I just kept my mouth shut. With all of that I have put up a wall to bullshit. My ex from some years back left to go pursue her interests in “real men” while the next didn’t want to make time for me. The person that I was dealing with most recently thought it was ok to disrespect me. Doing things to me that she wouldn’t tolerate. See that’s what grinds my gears the most is when people do that. Why would you do things that you wouldn’t be okay with? Now I’m no saint and I have issues with my anger. I just figured someone who speaks of us being alike would understand where I was coming from. I feel like I put my heart out there for it to be stomped out. I felt most of the time my voice fell on deaf ears. Trust to me is everything. I am a man who is cheap and will look for a discount whenever possible. Everything included in business and services is negotiable in my book. So when I speak of being cheap with someone in particular my definition is me looking for any type of deal to still get the job done, make a person happy while keeping my pockets cool as well. I feel at times I wasn’t doing enough in my relationship because there would always be something wrong with her. It was never enough. This is completely toxic and shows me exactly who I do not want to become or be with. 

I do not think right now I am lovable or a suitable mate because of some of my ways and that’s ok. I’m sure there is time to find love or not. One of my mentors is over 50 and single. He loves life and is happy so I see it is possible to be alone and have happiness. One day I will find my love but right now I’m not looking. I am obviously attracting these type of women into my life so I have changes to make with myself to get better.

I am tired of looking like a damn fool when shit blows up in my face again and again. What I do know is that this isn’t my whole life. This is just today. When people from my past come to mind, I think about hitting them up. Then I think of the shit we went through and the fact that I have not gotten a phone call from them and I leave them where they belong. Going back to the days of the old school, the times where the Internet and social media were nonexistent. When you didn’t exchange numbers or information with people, you didn’t see or hear from them unless you come across said person on the outside. It’s better that way or God would’ve kept them around. No regrets…

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Domestic Violence Against Males

If you’re a male victim of domestic violence click here for more resources. Gay and Transgender males in the NYC area can call (212) 714-1141

I was just watching an episode of Maury about Domestic abuse to women. Now I’m all for women getting the help that they need when they are not being given the respect that they deserve but there are plenty of resources for them. I’m a bit flabbergasted though that men are not on these shows along with the women. It’s not only an epidemic for the one gender. Men are abused by their partners as well. I have been hit by a significant other and it has messed with my head. I have been through a lot in my life so it’s  just another hurdle to get over. I am still here on this planet so there is time to heal and pull it all together. I was working the primary election where I met a judge aid. She was telling me about some of the twisted women that she had met in the court who are just as vindictive if not more evil then the guys. It was a random conversation that had come up but it was something I needed to hear. I will never let any person put their hands on me again. I recently made a promise and swore to my father that it wouldn’t happen again. I also asked for his protection and guidance with these issues. 

If there are any guys out there who have been mentally, physically,  or mentally abused don’t stay silent. Tell people who can help you get back to you like a therapist or close friend. You need to get your strength back. Remember it is not your fault. Whenever someone lashes out in anger like that, it is their own insecurities and issues they are dealing with. Don’t let them put that on you. If you’ve had enough leave. Unless they go and get help and commit to it. Everyone has their flaws but we are all adults. Do not let anyone put their hands on you! You are no one’s child if you’re in a relationship. 

Just writing about this issue that I was having has helped me to cleanse and get rid of that negative spirit that was on me. I will not allow it to happen again.  

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Insensitive 

The art of anger and loud screaming, without anyone or anything to stop them. Forgetting that the other person has feelings because your pride and ego trump even the bonds and loyalty of the relationship. No one takes accountability for their actions and points the finger away without accepting that an issue between 2 people is exactly that. A problem that those individuals contributed to and created. The ugly experiment gone wrong…“Frankenstein!” comes to life and brings chaos to everyone within distance. 

Love can induce the best high you’ve ever experienced or it can feel like I would imagine as the shock and pain of a parachute failure before crash landing back down to the reality of gravity hitting the Earth.

I thought I knew how to explain my feelings and get my point across. I feel myself sometimes on the brink of insanity. I’ve held so much pain inside along with new wounds being pierced through my heart and soul.  I try so hard to keep it together and not let that dark side of me come to surface. I can’t let the shadow take over my spirit and pull me deep into the dark where the sun no longer can grace me with its light and soulful energy. The mind has capabilities of creating enormous evil. Sit in the dark with scars on your heart you will see what I mean. 

I went and talked my therapist today to try and deal with some anger issues that I have. I have noticed that I have had issues with my attitude and anger as of late which I need help with. She told me to stop being so hard on myself. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s just having to learn from them. I can’t hold on to feelings of resentment and things from my past. I’m going to continue to write on this blog. It seems a good place to have release of my stress and it leaves me with the ability to have reflection of the growth (or not)that I make. I also need to learn to find a happy medium to reduce my stress and live in the present moment. She spoke of this present second being all we have at the moment so we need to be thriving and worrying about our immediate issues now. Don’t dwell in the past and don’t get to anxious for the future. I hope with her help I can pull the pieces together. I made my next appointment to see her soon.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Heart Growing Cold…

As the days go by and I see myself spending more time alone, I’ve come to the realization that people have thrown me to the wayside like a piece of trash multiple moments in my life. How can it be so easy to walk away from me and not look back? I’ve come across some very interesting personalities. I’ll never forget some that have stumbled onto my path…it’s just some that leave an impression on your heart…the memories that never fade…at least that don’t in my mind. For others, those times appear simply trash, nothing worth holding dearly. Walking away for me is the hardest because I always believe something is worth salvaging. When will my heart grow cold?

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

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Dysphoria

image

I had to take a break from all that homework. Geez I forgot the workload associated with full time college work. Last semester I was working while going part time till I was laid off. That was the ultimate game changer right there. I decided to myself that I have to work towards being my own boss. In between all of this I am looking for any means to getting my bottom surgery done. I NEED IT NOW! I think about it every day no lie. Its hard for most people I know to fully understand because well it’s not an everyday issue for the “average person”. When I go to the bathroom I’m comfortable with my presentation. It’s the thoughts of “what if I leak today or drop the packer?” That always seem to cross my mind. Intimacy is a story in itself. I want to feel a woman. I have been talking to my cisgender male friends about stuff I should look forward to and I’m looking to dive right in something. I hope to be in a relationship by the time I have my bottom surgery so I can just jump in full speed ahead. I am already set in going to Dr. Crane in California. He is opening up a new spot in Dallas as well so I’ll fly there if need be. I know I need insurance to go see him as the procedure can go well over $100,000 for all of the stages plus the erectile device. My original post about my expectations of this surgery can be found here. I plan on using an AMS Spectra because I’ll be able to pump up when needed and deflate during business hours. That would help my mental state immensely. I’ve read in places that the pump was for older guys and thought that was so until I went to the Philly Conference. The men who have the pump say its great for rigorous action and can last a long time. If anything, I could switch out and get a mallable rod later if I wear out the device too fast. With the rod it can be hard to tame your bits as you will always be semi hard. I know having the rod is not an issue for me because I know how to pack but this is not my preference at this time.

I know there will always be internal issues for me because of “limitations” I’ll have even after surgery. It’s how you deal with the cards you have been dealt but it can be downright depressing sometimes. I want to get a girl pregnant. I’ve really been wanting kids lately. This may be that “biological clock” going off in my head and it’s hard to ignore. I want my little mini me already! I’m mentally ready but not financially. I can’t procreate but I can discipline. I’m looking to pursue adoption if I’m not in a relationship after surgery. I know that’s extremely hard to do being single but its possible so I will try. I know I’ll be a great father if not a good husband to a woman out there whose willing to accept all my baggage. I’m emotional at times and I like attention. I’ve been heartbroken and it’s hard for me to trust. I go through my moments of weakness and would like it if I had a partner who could pick up the pieces. My highs and lows fluctuate with these hormones at times. She needs to be my biggest cheerleader when I don’t believe in myself. I consider myself to be a strong black male and I’m content with being solo but I’m human. I get weak sometimes. Sighs I’m off to go do some retail therapy. I’m sure that will help bring my self esteem up.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

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