Letter to Love Lost Pt.2

All I wanted from you was peace.

For my soul to finally be at rest. This crazy world out here really drains my energy. In you, I looked for solitide.

I’m starting to see I can’t find that with you no matter how hard I try.

It was supposed to be me and you against the world. Instead I feel like in your eyes you see me vs you.

I saw my shining star. I went with my heart…and now I’m left torn ever more into pieces because now I’m starting to feel it wasn’t real. Love can’t be real.

When you love hard, you can hate just as much in reverse. It’s a really thin line between the two emotions. I see that now as I can feel in my heart, hate for love.

Love seems all like a dream. It was never my reality. Love was an escape from my day to day rituals and deserting friends.

Do I really know what love is or do I confuse it with attachment/codependency?

(If you don’t know what codependency is take a look at it’s meaning here. I may write a blog about it because this is something that have been struggling with in my life for as long as I can go back in my mind. The topic can get quite extensive so look out for the blog link for that here.)

I think of the moment love gave me my ring back. Feeling like cement bricks in my hand, but pulling down on my heart. There’s no more left to give. I feel depleted.

I’m not saying I was the best to you either love. I am not right now the best me I can be. My heart has been kicked around by many people making me even more sensitive to shit that people do.

We are both not ready for each other.

I don’t think love understood how I really felt so I wrote my feelings down. It’s the best way I know how to communicate as this the first way I really knew how.

Anyway maybe later in life, love and I will come across each other again to fulfill the great destiny we shared together.

If not…well…we spent some great times together. I’ll keep a piece of you with me forever as I live out the rest my days that I wanted to spend with you.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

When Demons Attract…

It’s dark down there…
Be careful or you might fall in with me…

My demon has had time to manifest so much energy in my life. I know for a fact he’s been fucking these girls I’ve been with…
He has a need that can’t be fulfilled easily…

Internal pain is what I have shared with others in my short life. It felt oh so good to feed from that energy…into that nectar…so intoxicating…endless.

It’s good to be bad.

Until it overflows onto life…not just in the bed where the juices were spilled and sucked up. 

That pussy was oh so good…

Hitting raw…

Cumming inside…

Feeding on all that sexual energy…

I will feel it again…

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.


 My Letter to Love Lost

Dear Love Lost,

Soul searching led me to write this to you. I have realized being the knight in shining armor was ABSOLUTE WRONG approach to keeping you. 

I never learned from REAL MEN what exactly a MAN is. I learned out in the streets just as my male friends did…and from tv. 

On a downward spiral this led me…to you. Now I can only blame myself for how I acted. I was not the best example of a person because I got sucked in. Just as deep as the void in my heart I had before we became 1…its left even emptier moreso now that you’re gone.

I won’t be losing anymore love. My heart is shut to it…

Vulnerability gets no respect…

You put yourself out there to get hurt when being to nice.

Life is a bitch but she won’t be to me anymore. Pain has made me darker. I don’t need anyone. I need more money. I won’t be going hard or showing anymore love to anyone.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Mindset

“You ain’t worthy, you see my love, you don’t deserve it
Can you take it, you can dish it, you can serve it, but when the tables turned on you, I’m wrong
When every man deserves happiness hey, I’m a dog, when you’re the reason that it happened all along
And I try to look past it, oh but its the, its the, its the things you do”

https://youtu.be/c6GAL_RxbfA


Oh I do so many things for you girl and still you wanna act a fool”

Writing will be updated periodically. The song says enough for now.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

The Hottest Love Has the Coldest End

It was like the greatest high I ever felt…then you crash back down to the Earth. Harder then before…your heart is heavy from all the pain. I’ve been letting myself feel my emotions as of late. I cried today while listening to music. I want so bad to just have someone who won’t give up on me. A person who can be empathetic to my mistakes. One day I hope to be someone’s husband and baby father. Security is what I’m searching for now in my life. I don’t want to be around anything that doesn’t bring the best out of me at all times. I’m just tired of fighting. Seems like shit is always to the extreme and it’s pissing me off. I’m in my feelings right now and my mind is all over the place. I don’t know what to do. 

I don’t want love right now. The shit hurts too damn bad. I don’t want the emotions and everything that comes with it. 

I do miss the look in her eye when she tells me “I love you”. Holding her waist ever so gently and pulling her close meant the world to me. With those hips I saw one who could bear my seed and we raise them up together.  I would imagine a star studded wedding with me waiting for her down the aisle. I would see that white gown and tear up as I saw her coming towards me. I would tell her the vows that I wrote and hold her hand. Pulling the veil up to kiss those soft lips.  She becoming my Queen and I her King. I kneel before my bride and kiss her hand. I do believe now that all that was a dream. 

I hate feeling like I was set up. All she saw was herself. I hate how life flashes what I want in my face like some kind of a joke. I saw perfection while she saw deception. 


[Jhene Aiko – Chorus]
“You had to change up the game
Oh the weather is not the same
Now there’s only cloudy days
I can’t stand the rain in July
Oh July
There were fireworks exploding (exploding)
But now it’s getting colder
The leaves are turning colors
Why, it’s just not our season
The one and only reason
Baby oh baby oh
Our summer turned into fall

[Drake – Verse 2]
Damn, tell me where did all the magic go
I followed all the rules and told you everything you had to know
Had you over every night, every night was passionate
Plus you met my mother even if it was an accident
I’m confused tell me where we go wrong
I was sure that I would be with you so long
I was planning on this being something worth mentioning
Energy invested in someone I saw potential in
Who killed Chivalry they need to get their sentencing
Meanwhile we arguing and I can’t get a sentence in
And just as I predicted here we go again
They always say the hottest love has the coldest end

[Chorus]

[Jhene Aiko]
See its funny ’cause I never thought this would end but then the season changed
[Drake]
You were my, you were my, you were my girl (I was your girl)
Should’ve made, should’ve made, should’ve made you my World
Should’ve made you everything to make you happy baby
[Jhene Aiko]
Can’t wait for, can’t wait for, can’t wait for springtime
And I will turn into a butterfly
I will spread my wings and fly


https://youtu.be/G7m8dfVWLc8

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.


*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

My Truth

It’s time to take my life back. I can’t be the savior of every soul that hurts or cries for help. I need to better myself first. I’ve been in a failing relationship it seems for the past 14 months. I thought I had met my dream girl but looks aren’t apparently what they seem to be. We all have our flaws and issues to deal with. Some things are more tolerable then others. 

I am someone who has held in a lot of my anger over the years. People have treated me like shit while I just kept my mouth shut. With all of that I have put up a wall to bullshit. My ex from some years back left to go pursue her interests in “real men” while the next didn’t want to make time for me. The person that I was dealing with most recently thought it was ok to disrespect me. Doing things to me that she wouldn’t tolerate. See that’s what grinds my gears the most is when people do that. Why would you do things that you wouldn’t be okay with? Now I’m no saint and I have issues with my anger. I just figured someone who speaks of us being alike would understand where I was coming from. I feel like I put my heart out there for it to be stomped out. I felt most of the time my voice fell on deaf ears. Trust to me is everything. I am a man who is cheap and will look for a discount whenever possible. Everything included in business and services is negotiable in my book. So when I speak of being cheap with someone in particular my definition is me looking for any type of deal to still get the job done, make a person happy while keeping my pockets cool as well. I feel at times I wasn’t doing enough in my relationship because there would always be something wrong with her. It was never enough. This is completely toxic and shows me exactly who I do not want to become or be with. 

I do not think right now I am lovable or a suitable mate because of some of my ways and that’s ok. I’m sure there is time to find love or not. One of my mentors is over 50 and single. He loves life and is happy so I see it is possible to be alone and have happiness. One day I will find my love but right now I’m not looking. I am obviously attracting these type of women into my life so I have changes to make with myself to get better.

I am tired of looking like a damn fool when shit blows up in my face again and again. What I do know is that this isn’t my whole life. This is just today. When people from my past come to mind, I think about hitting them up. Then I think of the shit we went through and the fact that I have not gotten a phone call from them and I leave them where they belong. Going back to the days of the old school, the times where the Internet and social media were nonexistent. When you didn’t exchange numbers or information with people, you didn’t see or hear from them unless you come across said person on the outside. It’s better that way or God would’ve kept them around. No regrets…

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Domestic Violence Against Males

If you’re a male victim of domestic violence click here for more resources. Gay and Transgender males in the NYC area can call (212) 714-1141

I was just watching an episode of Maury about Domestic abuse to women. Now I’m all for women getting the help that they need when they are not being given the respect that they deserve but there are plenty of resources for them. I’m a bit flabbergasted though that men are not on these shows along with the women. It’s not only an epidemic for the one gender. Men are abused by their partners as well. I have been hit by a significant other and it has messed with my head. I have been through a lot in my life so it’s  just another hurdle to get over. I am still here on this planet so there is time to heal and pull it all together. I was working the primary election where I met a judge aid. She was telling me about some of the twisted women that she had met in the court who are just as vindictive if not more evil then the guys. It was a random conversation that had come up but it was something I needed to hear. I will never let any person put their hands on me again. I recently made a promise and swore to my father that it wouldn’t happen again. I also asked for his protection and guidance with these issues. 

If there are any guys out there who have been mentally, physically,  or mentally abused don’t stay silent. Tell people who can help you get back to you like a therapist or close friend. You need to get your strength back. Remember it is not your fault. Whenever someone lashes out in anger like that, it is their own insecurities and issues they are dealing with. Don’t let them put that on you. If you’ve had enough leave. Unless they go and get help and commit to it. Everyone has their flaws but we are all adults. Do not let anyone put their hands on you! You are no one’s child if you’re in a relationship. 

Just writing about this issue that I was having has helped me to cleanse and get rid of that negative spirit that was on me. I will not allow it to happen again.  

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.