The art of anger and loud screaming, without anyone or anything to stop them. Forgetting that the other person has feelings because your pride and ego trump even the bonds and loyalty of the relationship. No one takes accountability for their actions and points the finger away without accepting that an issue between 2 people is exactly that. A problem that those individuals contributed to and created. The ugly experiment gone wrong…“Frankenstein!” comes to life and brings chaos to everyone within distance.
Love can induce the best high you’ve ever experienced or it can feel like I would imagine as the shock and pain of a parachute failure before crash landing back down to the reality of gravity hitting the Earth.
I thought I knew how to explain my feelings and get my point across. I feel myself sometimes on the brink of insanity. I’ve held so much pain inside along with new wounds being pierced through my heart and soul. I try so hard to keep it together and not let that dark side of me come to surface. I can’t let the shadow take over my spirit and pull me deep into the dark where the sun no longer can grace me with its light and soulful energy. The mind has capabilities of creating enormous evil. Sit in the dark with scars on your heart you will see what I mean.
I went and talked my therapist today to try and deal with some anger issues that I have. I have noticed that I have had issues with my attitude and anger as of late which I need help with. She told me to stop being so hard on myself. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s just having to learn from them. I can’t hold on to feelings of resentment and things from my past. I’m going to continue to write on this blog. It seems a good place to have release of my stress and it leaves me with the ability to have reflection of the growth (or not)that I make. I also need to learn to find a happy medium to reduce my stress and live in the present moment. She spoke of this present second being all we have at the moment so we need to be thriving and worrying about our immediate issues now. Don’t dwell in the past and don’t get to anxious for the future. I hope with her help I can pull the pieces together. I made my next appointment to see her soon.
*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.
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I DON’T LIKE MY TIME BEING WASTED! This is something that I hate and I dont really like to use that word to describe anything because there’s such a strong emotional attachment to it. As I get older it become increasingly important to spend my seconds just as I would my money. I use what I can from experience to teach me what NOT to do in the future. One thing I have noticed is that people can be very selfish with their time but play with yours. I know how good of a person I am so I’m learning not to take crap from the world. I embrace my imperfections as strengths that set me apart from others. I can give off a “weird” vibe sometimes. I say weird because anyone I consider to be “Plugged into the Matrix” seems not to gel that well with me and that’s absolutely fine. I don’t like small talk or anything to do with the media. I feel it’s a waste of my brain cells when I hear others speak of “mindless” celebrities who don’t give a damn about them. Those “stars” push an agenda that I see has millions of people completely hypnotized and dumbed down because of it. When I see famous people, they make me want more of what they have. I can’t sit and watch an award show or reality tv with nice houses and cars and not feel more hungry for my dreams to come true. It makes me want to work harder to attain whatever it is that I want.
There are not many TV shows that I can sit and watch with out getting bored. When I do watch the tube though, I tune into “Property Brothers” on HGTV. I’ve watched Jonathan and Drew Scott remodel some pretty dismal cribs into dream houses. I see their passion for real estate through their attitude towards it. Being able to have fun while getting some serious money sounds like a dream that I will make come true for myself. I just have to figure out 1 way to change my life.
Im starting to see my own love for real estate as I become more knowledgeable about it. In between my classes and other things I plan on studying different types of property and sales in real estate.
This is my first blog since starting class and it has been such a roller coaster. Being full time is a whole lot different from my 2 classes last time around. I had a class cancelled on me and I was unable to log into my student email till today after a crazy run around. College and I have a love/hate relationship. I love to learn new things but the amount of work you must do is crazy. So far I’ve been managing so I expect a good semester. With maturity I have been learning to prioritize my work before play so I can get all A’s this time around. I want to bring my GPA up so I can transfer to a better school for law. Which means a lot less of lolly gagging and nonsense. I feel if I work now I’ll be able to play later much earlier then my peers if I put in the effort. I want my future wife to be able to take care of home without any barriers in the way whether it be children or just her own personal goals. The plan is make sure my future generations don’t have to struggle as much as I did to get to where I am which will hopefully lead to better opportunities for them. Those petty time wasters will not be invited to the party.
*If you are looking for transition related material look here.
*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.
I see a lot of my attention on this blog is directed towards the journey of my weight loss and transformation of my body so I will speak more of that here. I will try to get as in depth as possible to how I did it and how testosterone has contributed to these changes in my life.
When I first started to take t, I was on .5ml per week of inject-able shots. I weighed 190 pounds the day I started.
The first thing I noticed was the immediate sweat bucket I became. It was a whole lot easier to sweat when doing just about anything. There’s a fond memory of me looking like I ran 10 miles while sitting completely still. Unfortunately, while on the shots you go through all the stages of menopause before menstruation stops occurring. The plus is that the demon has been gone for a very long time. That is one of the perks of life as a male. I started to try to work out before going off to Job Corps and hurt myself. I explain most of the story here on the previous blog. What I didn’t mention is the help I got from a mentor while in the program. He would tell me some of the things I needed to eat to get bigger and get more mass on my body. He also kept encouraging me by offering me gloves and a set of weight straps that I still use to this day. He said to me “you have lost weight and built muscle at the same time”. I know that doesn’t happen very often but I was able to with the help of the testosterone. I appreciated all the help given to me along with everyone else in my life at the time.
When I went off to advanced training I was around 183 pounds but with more definition in my body. I was 1 year and a half on t so I was starting to look very androgynous. I went upstairs to the girls dorm for the first time and this chick immediately ran up to me and says “you’re on the wrong floor”. I knew for a fact by then the t was doing what it was supposed to do. I immediately became best friends with the gym shortly after arriving. I was in a completely different state and open to more change. I had become more active with my increased confidence in myself causing more weight loss. The Insanity DVD was unavailable at first so I started to jog on the treadmill. I was not used to running just yet so I used this as a way to get accumulated. My workout partner at the time and I made up our own workout using some of the moves we had learned from the dvds to keep tight. After enough badgering to the staff, a teacher had the dvd burned for us to use. It would be taken up to dorm where after class and weekends anyone could jump in to get their body right. I had my surgery date set for during the summer break so I went in with my training for the 5 months in DC before the procedure. After I had my top surgery, I can say my appetite was zilch. The tramadol I was prescribed made me feel nauseous as hell so I steered clear of it and I stuck to Tylenol. I’m guessing with the weight taken off my chest and initial recovery of the surgery I lost more weight. I walked in the beginning to stay active and as I got progressively healthy I started to jog on the track by my house. After returning to the center 2 months later, I started jogging on the campus grounds and continued with the insanity workout. I still did not see what I wanted even though weight was consistently lost. After finishing the program, I ended up with a job at a gym where I would work out after my shifts. I was then offered employment with other companies last year and I had to get clean so I worked my ass off. I did not completely diet but I added smoothies to my options of meals around this time. I ended up taking employment as a courier/messenger. With the months of lifting and carrying packages and garments, any extra weight I had came right off and I was starting to look like a stick figure. I was 137 pounds at this time. Walking all those city blocks and avenues in a day will really kick your butt! I was also enrolled in school and I took advantage of the free workout sessions during the week. I ended up being laid off from the position a few months ago so I used that time now to work out. I quickly got a gym membership and added some weight back on and now here I am.
I took this picture in June of this year. As you can see I have done a lot of work. I thank all of the Beachbody products I have used to get myself where I am. Shawn T is my favorite trainer from the organization and I endorse his workouts. I will be updating my about section with pictures and I’ve thought to add my voice changes. As I become more comfortable sharing my transition, I’ll get more personal. Thanks for reading.
*If you are looking for transition related material click here.
*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.