NYC Heatwave

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Wow! I went outside and already sweated out my t shirt smh. I am not complaining as the summer here is short. Next thing you know we will be in the midst of winter looking for the sun to come out and bless us with some heat.

I have just become fond of summer the last few years. Especially as my confidence increases , I don’t mind being half naked outside. I weighed myself expecting a disaster as I have not been working out during my healing process. I have stayed the same weight . I noticed loss of muscle mass but I can’t stress that. I’ll be back!

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Empty…

I haven’t been honest with myself lately when it comes to my emotions and life. I’m not happy and I haven’t been for some time. It’s real easy to put up the facade but I am not happy. I feel empty inside when it comes to many aspects of my life but I’m not sure how to go about changing it. I just hope to find my answer soon. I feel I am in the wrong place in my life. I have been thinking of my past a lot. It’s something about the past that I felt more content and in control but not really. I feel more at peace with myself physically right now but not with my emotions or mental state. I look forward to when school starts to move forward into my future. I should be about 7 weeks into my healing as well so I will be working out my upper body a lot. Sighs look forward to my stress reliever when I come back to it soon.

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“Pain is weakness leaving the body”

So yesterday I had to cane my way to my school. It was the funniest thing in my mind to “run” for the bus. I moved as fast as I could with the cane in my right hand to catch that bus and I got it. I went to my school and got the signatures needed to continue my money flow. I also got to look at my unofficial transcript and saw that my major has been officially changed to Legal Studies. I’m very excited to get started in my new career. I want to be a “jack of all trades” so to speak as I have electrical skills and now i’m adding legal to that. I finally got a new phone that also doesn’t shut off when it gets over heated and works well. Samsung has always treated me well. So I’m very happy about that.

I finally took my t injection after almost 3 weeks off. I forget sometimes nowadays but consider it a necessary evil. I’ll try and stay on point so I don’t mess with my levels. I was skeptical about injecting into my hurt leg but it has been healing pretty well. Every time I feel pain I think about how much of a beast I will be when I get better. No side effects of the t so far. Life is straight. I can’ t complain.

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“When Bad Things Happen, Something Better Always Returns in its Place…”

I am so happy I called my mother this morning. She didn’t know I was actually feeling very low when I called and what she said to me was exactly what I needed to hear. I will try to keep the above title in mind as my leg heals slowly but surely. I had what was described to be a patella dislocation. I was on the workout machine and all I heard was a pop followed by extreme pain in my leg. When I was able to relax and not panic the pain subsided. I was able to move my gym shorts to the side to see my knee cap pointing out the side of my leg. I was immediately disappointed in myself because I knew I should have been wearing my knee brace. I also should have not tried to workout so hard without adequate rest. I have learned my lesson and plan on heading to the doctor tomorrow. It is extremely disheartening to know I will most likely not be able to go in with my workouts for some months to come but I still have an income so I can’t complain in that aspect.

I have also had moments lately where I miss my father. It is still weird when the house is so quiet and I don’t hear him fumbling around. You really do not realize how much life someone can bring to an environment till they are suddenly no longer around. He really left a mark on my life and I can’t do anything but appreciate his help through it all. I will continue to miss him everyday of my life. The pain never really goes away at least I feel when it comes to losing someone who meant a lot to you like he did to me. I have just learned to deal with the pain the best way I can by moving forward and being a productive member of society.

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Saving a Penny for Myself for Once…

I took a day off in between my writing just to get myself together and be a little selfish. My leg has been a really big downer for me. I really hate the fact that I can’t go hard like I want to without pain. I tried to carry my laundry up the steps and had to deal with my leg being sore for hours because of it. I can blame no one but myself for going to fast. I have also been dealing with a lot of internal struggle as I now have the time to deal with my emotions and everything hit me in the face. I have immersed myself in a little cocoon for awhile till I can get back on my feet physically and mentally. I have always been so stuck on everyone else’s feelings and not my own that I never put myself first but not any longer. I am my own man and I can deal with the consequences of my actions but its hard when everyday it is something else. It’s like the little things add up into a big pile of crap that seems too much to handle sometimes. I will get my emotions together though. It will just take me time. I always try to be the positive guy or always try to be understanding.

When can I be an asshole?

I refuse to be a stepping stool. I feel I’ve always tried to take the high road in a lot of things but that takes so much energy. I end up with none for myself and it started to take a toll on me. Life has told me to slow down and find a positive path for yourself. Be a man about your stuff.

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Insanity Junkie Depression

One of my favorite workouts

One of my favorite workouts

So it has been one day so far since I have dislocated my leg and I will tell you I am beyond depressed. I have been spreading my misery to the people that I love and I didnt even realize I am acting like a scrooge because I will be unable to work out. Can you imagine a grown ass man crying on the phone about not being able to push my body to the limit?

I believed this philosophy to be completely true until I hurt myself.

Here are a few lessons that I learned yesterday:

1. Wear my damn knee brace when working out!

2. “Being cute is for outside the gym”. Thanks Paul!

3. I learned to learn my lesson

Let that last one resonate with you for a second. Okay good, now I am thinking about all the times I knew better in a situation. I continued to do it anyway thinking it couldn’t happen to me because I am super human or something. Life has a crazy way of bringing your head back down to the planet when you think you’re to big to fail. I am going to continue to be bummed about it but I will just use my energy for other things including my upper body, my future gym, and the people who genuinely care about me and not the phonies. I see there are many around me but I don’t stress the negative energy coming at me. I am just going to use it to get further in my life so they can hate even more.

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