2012…Year of Tough Love

I can say for a fact that since this year has started it has already been eye opening for me to say the least. I didn’t come up with this title for no reason. My new year started around my birthday where I have cut off a lot of the old ties that I had to the past. When I started to realize my summers were becoming a blur in my head, it got to me. I could not tell the difference as all my summers started to seem like a time warp. The only things that could be deciphered from them that was different was the negative addictions that were added to the already hostile group of people. The drama never seemed to end as there was only a quiet lull in between all of them. I was almost certain every year when the drama would arise and now that I look at it none of that was ever good for me in any way. It just taught me to be very picky in who I choose to call “friend or family”. The family that I thought I had left me in the desert by myself to die so to speak. It is like all the things I have done for people in my life just did not matter to them. After finally seeing the light I have decided to move forward and take with me the people who have been there for me through it all
In terms of my transition. I have been off of T for a couple weeks now. I am kicking myself about it but I will be patient. When I go back to the doctor next week I will be going to order my big vial of T for the first time. This should last me awhile as I leave for Unit 9 soon. (This is code and an insider for me and wifey only) Even off the T, I have noticed that my hair is growing in on my face. My gf noticed I have light hairs mixed with dark ones all over my face and I have decided before Unit 9 to start to get shape ups again and get these sideburns in check. My penis feels very nice when it is stimulated. I am loving the growth I have currently but I would like more so I can penetrate. Eventually things will happen for me. If not then it was not meant to be.

Challenge

I guess I got too happy to soon when it comes to my period. It came late after around 42 days of freedom. I cannot complain getting it really late. I am looking forward to when I will not have to worry about having to carry around a pad or bleeding randomly.

Anyway I have been leaning how to throw and hit the tennis ball with my left hand. Just another thing I am trying to do to challenge myself mentally. I like to go and play racket ball at the park as it gives me a chance to have a bit of freedom for a little bit and take my mind off of life and the stresses it can bring. Stresses including the idea of having to take care of yourself and to maintain. Lately R has been asking me if I want to move out my house. Anyone who feels they are coming into their own and want independence from their parents so to speak will want to be more independent. Moving out is one thing that will show my family I am more of an adult. The downside of course would be moving to fast without being set. That leaves the possibility of having to come back. When I move out I want to have a car and a nice job/business to keep me afloat. I want to also be able to take care of myself if need be. With this job I cannot handle a house or apartment by myself which means to me that I am not ready to leave. I also want to have completed top surgery before I go anywhere so I can automatically be seen as a man where ever I go and not as a female like here at home now.

Well this is not transition related but worth writing about. My wifey and I were chilling on the couch in my house when it started to rain. R got the idea of putting laundry detergent on a dirty rug outside since it was poaring rain. The idea was maybe with all the rain it would wash and also dry outside. Now she tells me she is going to be my umbrella woman and hold it for me when we are outside. The funny thing is when we go outside we realize the rug is still under the balcony and needs to be moved into the rain. Now I am the one who picks up the rug and walks into the rain while my umbrella woman stands there like she is watching adventures out of a rain forest. Wifey and I got a good laugh out of that. Even though she left me high and dry, I love her with all my heart.

Changes I have been having as of late have been small. Well to me I guess they are small lol.  I am growing more hair on my body and my clitoris is getting more sensitive. I am also horny like crazy but I have already dedicated a blog to that so I wont get into to much detail. I have also gained weight. I was told it could be my body turning some fat into muscle. I really hope so. Anyway off to live my life.

TJ

Stuck

So lately I have been having second guesses about T. I am so glad that my appointment isn’t now till June 10th that I could potentially start taking testosterone. I feel I needed this new found time to think more into pumping myself full of artificial chemicals so to speak. It is not my hormones in my body naturally so these are considered foriegn to me, and it could potentially have bad side effects. Now T will potentially make me stronger, give me a more masculine appearance and make my dick bigger (yea I said MY DICK SO WHAT!). The downside is the crazy hair growth on the body and the potential for male pattern baldness. This is what I am afraid of. I do not want to lose my hair. It is a symbol of me and it makes me different. A lot of people dont do the braid thing anymore so I feel different by still having hair and my baby keeps it fresh. I would hate for the hair braiding ritual to end. I love the way she runs her fingers through my hair even if sometimes I can be really tender headed. That means in case anyone doesn’t know that my scalp can be really sensitive to tugging and pulling on it. But I want a penis so honestly the hair can go bye bye for all I care.

I just want to get bottom surgery in the next 5 -10 years. I can only imagine what my penis would look like after maybe 5 years on T and after whatever surgery I choose to have. I plan on starting to pump (if I still continue down the road of T) as soon as humanly possible. I hope to have my girlfriend help me pump as well ;-). I hope that can make the experience a bit more fun for me because I heard that sometimes to pump can leave you a bit sore if you do it to hard or try to put to much pressure on your penis. I am a work in progress and I cant wait to see how everything turns out. I want my penis to be able to get erect on its own and want a 5 to 6 inch penis. This leaves me with the option of getting a metoidioplasty.

This procedure according to Hudson’s Guide takes advantage of your penis growth due to the the testosterone. Now I don’t want to have skins grafts done sculpted off of me like with phalloplasty so this the procedure I am most looking into. Now pumping should help with the size and help me to achieve a more natural thicker penis. There are not many options for FTM’s when it comes to bottom surgery and I refuse to get anything that I wont be satisfied with. Well I am off to do some more thinking and live my life. I’ll be back to post more later as more comes to me.

-TJ