“The Good Guy”

Now I’m not writing this post knocking my boy Stevie J. I respect him as a real artist who can definitely play an multitude of instruments. 

Stevie and I share a couple of qualities. He is a Scorpio like myself who is hungry to be better then he was yesterday. He makes a gazillion mistakes on a daily basis but he makes up for it by trying to come out stronger and better. Watching the show, you see he gets into many Entrepreneurial endeavors. This includes partnering up with Benzino to open a restaurant and having a pre-workout supplement called “Danger Zone” that’s for sale right now. I plan on giving it a try once my money becomes a bit more stable. 

I love to work out and I am inspired by him to get my body even tighter than it was at my peak. First I’m going to be doing the “Insanity” workout to drop some weight. Next it will be the muscle gain. I hope to follow at least in those footsteps of his with the exercise and hustle. On the other hand, we also have a bad habit of attracting not so nice women into our lives.

Joseline you could see was trouble from the start. She got with him while he was in a relationship with his baby mother Mimi. They denied any claims of being together even with all the excessive flirting and inappropriate things they were doing in the public and behind closed doors. During the course of their union, he played with her and she played back doing inexcusable things. Current news is she is supposed to be pregnant with his baby on the show. I do not think she was actually pregnant regardless of what was shown on the opening episode. I think it was all fake right along with Beyoncé s pregnancy with Blue Ivy but that’s for another post. 

Now here’s where we differ…

I was binge watching the older seasons of the show before it came back on last night and I couldn’t help but notice how bad he is with women. This dude is not loyal at all! First there was Mimi, a baby mama to one of his daughters whose also a 20 year friend. He bought a family home for the 3 of them to live in the suburbs. As a music producer, he did most of his work in the studio in the city area where he also acquired an apartment for him to stay in on his late nights. Joseline was one of his artists at first. Since he has a bad habit of mixing business with pleasure, they ended up messing around. 

They would go to the extra apartment he had to have their sexual rendevous. As of right now, they aren’t together on the show. During the season break, he had a spinoff called “Leave It To Stevie.”

During the course of the show you saw him level up in the lady department with one of his longtime friends. He had a chance to date Faith Evans. Now this was a big step up from what he usually attracts. She was a real woman. I don’t feel like Faith would go out of her way to hurt him and play games like immature Joseline. She was graceful with it and I appreciate that about her. Grinding and level headed, I feel that’s what he needs from a wife. I take this advice into account for myself because now after all of the heartache, I know what I don’t want to become and who I dont want to marry. I want peace and stability in my life.

I’ve been buying some sage along with this other root to bring positive energy into my life and I suggest that Stevie J do the same. Some people don’t mature just with age, it takes experiences. Hopefully Stevie will stay faithful to the right woman. I feel when you find the one”, it will all work out in your favor and things will fall into place. If it’s not meant to be it won’t. Thanks for reading. 

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The Good Guy Always Loses…

I can talk for days on this topic and I plan on doing just that here (lol)I start with my experiences growing up around some of my male friends. My closest friends are cisgender. Cisgender means that they identify with their gender from birth. I was around a very interesting group of individuals. We would spend most of our summers together along with my brother from another mother attending high school with me for 2 years. I was exposed to heightened masculinity at its finest. We talked about “smuts, slides, and hoes” daily as this is what females were frequently called by the people around me. Girls were getting “popped off” on the regular. I never made any judgments of my friends. I attributed it to the testosterone coursing through their veins. The over sexualized hip hop culture that we grew up to love I believe had a part as well. I would see them pick up girls and toss them to the side usually with no feelings after the interaction. This is the very same thing I saw in the MTV show Jersey Shore the other day.

I was never an avid watcher of the show when it was actually on but I love it now. There were countless episodes with Pauly D and The Situation asking women “You DTF?” There is one particular comment from Pauly D’s mouth that really stuck with me. He said “It’s Saturday, we don’t have time to waste. If they not DTF I’m moving to the next.” Dude would have chicks on backup in case one didn’t show. He had numerous women flocking to him and was an asshole most of the time. Now “DTF” for people might not ring a bell. It means “down to f@€#.” These guys were praised for their attitude and it was attributed to just being guys huh? The world is so assed backwards at times. 

During the second season, Angelina was dating a guy named José. He was taking her out on dates and courting her. Even showing up to her job in a suit to give her a gift, he was the man girls dream of. 

Charming and sweet, he wanted to sweep her off her feet. When his birthday came after numerous dates and bonding, he was still not able to have sex with her. Giving a female gifts is not a prerequisite for sex, I know this. It just happens that she was an open whore on the side. 

Vinny (pictured above) was one of her roommates who disrespected her on a daily basis and even nicknamed her the “Staten Island Dump.” Guess which one of these guys got the goodies? 

It just goes to show you that it doesn’t always hurt to be bad. It does hurt in the long run though. Girls dig it in the beginning until they get played and then they ask “where are all the real men?” Well you over looked him for the asshole who you thought was better for you. Thanks for reading guys.

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The Hottest Love Has the Coldest End

It was like the greatest high I ever felt…then you crash back down to the Earth. Harder then before…your heart is heavy from all the pain. I’ve been letting myself feel my emotions as of late. I cried today while listening to music. I want so bad to just have someone who won’t give up on me. A person who can be empathetic to my mistakes. One day I hope to be someone’s husband and baby father. Security is what I’m searching for now in my life. I don’t want to be around anything that doesn’t bring the best out of me at all times. I’m just tired of fighting. Seems like shit is always to the extreme and it’s pissing me off. I’m in my feelings right now and my mind is all over the place. I don’t know what to do. 

I don’t want love right now. The shit hurts too damn bad. I don’t want the emotions and everything that comes with it. 

I do miss the look in her eye when she tells me “I love you”. Holding her waist ever so gently and pulling her close meant the world to me. With those hips I saw one who could bear my seed and we raise them up together.  I would imagine a star studded wedding with me waiting for her down the aisle. I would see that white gown and tear up as I saw her coming towards me. I would tell her the vows that I wrote and hold her hand. Pulling the veil up to kiss those soft lips.  She becoming my Queen and I her King. I kneel before my bride and kiss her hand. I do believe now that all that was a dream. 

I hate feeling like I was set up. All she saw was herself. I hate how life flashes what I want in my face like some kind of a joke. I saw perfection while she saw deception. 


[Jhene Aiko – Chorus]
“You had to change up the game
Oh the weather is not the same
Now there’s only cloudy days
I can’t stand the rain in July
Oh July
There were fireworks exploding (exploding)
But now it’s getting colder
The leaves are turning colors
Why, it’s just not our season
The one and only reason
Baby oh baby oh
Our summer turned into fall

[Drake – Verse 2]
Damn, tell me where did all the magic go
I followed all the rules and told you everything you had to know
Had you over every night, every night was passionate
Plus you met my mother even if it was an accident
I’m confused tell me where we go wrong
I was sure that I would be with you so long
I was planning on this being something worth mentioning
Energy invested in someone I saw potential in
Who killed Chivalry they need to get their sentencing
Meanwhile we arguing and I can’t get a sentence in
And just as I predicted here we go again
They always say the hottest love has the coldest end

[Chorus]

[Jhene Aiko]
See its funny ’cause I never thought this would end but then the season changed
[Drake]
You were my, you were my, you were my girl (I was your girl)
Should’ve made, should’ve made, should’ve made you my World
Should’ve made you everything to make you happy baby
[Jhene Aiko]
Can’t wait for, can’t wait for, can’t wait for springtime
And I will turn into a butterfly
I will spread my wings and fly


https://youtu.be/G7m8dfVWLc8

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Being in Uniform: Transgender Issues

I have never been average. I plan to get this uniform I am in search of. I know it fits me just the way I would like it to. It was worth the fatigue and starvation that I felt today waiting for the process to end. 3 am for some reason I awakened to feel insomnia. But nonetheless I went to my medical appointment for a career that will take care of me. I appreciate the doctor I saw today even though I had to wait like 4 hours to see him. It was so unorganized at this place. There were only 2 doctors who were going to see about 50 people in a span of six hours. I didn’t believe the paper instructions when it specified I could be there for up to six hours. You know what they say when you assume things. 

 I ate breakfast around 5 am and ventured out when I was finished eating into the night of early morning. It was a series of test we had to take. First was the blood pressure and weight. Now I put on a couple pounds so I wasn’t sure I would be cleared but I had no worries as I didn’t get red flagged in that area. I went next to the breathing test which they say I didn’t do so well on considering my cold but I was moved forward. The hearing was in the same room as the vision and it was pretty straightforward. I messed up one time on that test along with the eye exam in which I have 20 vision. Now here comes the scary part. I saw that they took groups of 5 into an office to see one doctor. On the other hand I saw the female doctor have a more personal feel to her screenings where she saw one person at a time. I was hoping that she called my name next. I was terrified to be told to strip down to my underwear in front of other guys but nonetheless I got called in with the group of 5. Go figure! I took my clothes off to have a picture of my tattoo taken. This is when my heart started pumping. All sorts of things went through my head. What are they going to think when they see my scars? Is anyone going be able to out me? I thought about those last questions because of all of the information about transgender individuals  going public. Some years ago when I started my transistion it was covert ops to me. Anyone who was on the outside of the community would not be having a conversation about the issues of transgender individuals. This scares me to an extent but I know it has to be done for changes in the world to occur. Anyway the medical assistant called me first to go to see the doctor in my boxers on the other side of the curtain. Everything was normal until he went to the page with the questions of male and female body parts. I was obliged to tell the truth or I could be disqualified from service if they found out otherwise in my background check. I made sure to note my surgeries of mastectomy and hysterectomy in the screening. I saw his face stare at the question about the hysterectomy but he didn’t seem to react crazy. He just stared at the paper for like 20 seconds until I spoke up. I said “yea it’s not a mistake”. He looked up and made sure to talk in a lower voice so the other guys in the room couldn’t hear all of my business. He asked me about my prior procedures and future plans and I really appreciated him. I have some medical issues not transition related at the moment so the doctor allowed me to put the process on hold so I can get my body back where I would need it in order to serve. I am BOLD ENOUGH to try.

I thank myself and the people around me that have helped me to complete steps to being physically male. I feel this experience would have been a disaster if I did not have my top surgery which you can read about here. Life has a way of making things happen for you. I was so scared that I would have to choose between a full time career and finishing my education because I am not finished yet with my Bachelor’s Degree. I have been in and out of college for years and I really want to finish this time. I have started to bust my ass in academics after slacking for a little bit in the beginning of this semester . Summer left me with a bit of jet lag so to speak and I was feeling lazy. I had to kick it into high gear though and study for the exams so I can get out after the Spring semester next year. It’s bad enough that I have to take a year and a half more of full time education to finish my legal studies degree. I am hoping that this is all worth the time and money that I am investing into the degree. I guess when I put it like that any money that I spend learning is worth its weight in gold. I think about my love for real estate which I know will come to pass. I am also finding myself interested in wills, trusts and estates. This stuff is fun and enjoyable to me. Law practice seems like it could be in my future but we shall see. I want to be a great role model for other black American males to follow. I want to empower my race. I am black and I am proud to be who I am. 

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Domestic Violence Against Males

If you’re a male victim of domestic violence click here for more resources. Gay and Transgender males in the NYC area can call (212) 714-1141

I was just watching an episode of Maury about Domestic abuse to women. Now I’m all for women getting the help that they need when they are not being given the respect that they deserve but there are plenty of resources for them. I’m a bit flabbergasted though that men are not on these shows along with the women. It’s not only an epidemic for the one gender. Men are abused by their partners as well. I have been hit by a significant other and it has messed with my head. I have been through a lot in my life so it’s  just another hurdle to get over. I am still here on this planet so there is time to heal and pull it all together. I was working the primary election where I met a judge aid. She was telling me about some of the twisted women that she had met in the court who are just as vindictive if not more evil then the guys. It was a random conversation that had come up but it was something I needed to hear. I will never let any person put their hands on me again. I recently made a promise and swore to my father that it wouldn’t happen again. I also asked for his protection and guidance with these issues. 

If there are any guys out there who have been mentally, physically,  or mentally abused don’t stay silent. Tell people who can help you get back to you like a therapist or close friend. You need to get your strength back. Remember it is not your fault. Whenever someone lashes out in anger like that, it is their own insecurities and issues they are dealing with. Don’t let them put that on you. If you’ve had enough leave. Unless they go and get help and commit to it. Everyone has their flaws but we are all adults. Do not let anyone put their hands on you! You are no one’s child if you’re in a relationship. 

Just writing about this issue that I was having has helped me to cleanse and get rid of that negative spirit that was on me. I will not allow it to happen again.  

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Insensitive 

The art of anger and loud screaming, without anyone or anything to stop them. Forgetting that the other person has feelings because your pride and ego trump even the bonds and loyalty of the relationship. No one takes accountability for their actions and points the finger away without accepting that an issue between 2 people is exactly that. A problem that those individuals contributed to and created. The ugly experiment gone wrong…“Frankenstein!” comes to life and brings chaos to everyone within distance. 

Love can induce the best high you’ve ever experienced or it can feel like I would imagine as the shock and pain of a parachute failure before crash landing back down to the reality of gravity hitting the Earth.

I thought I knew how to explain my feelings and get my point across. I feel myself sometimes on the brink of insanity. I’ve held so much pain inside along with new wounds being pierced through my heart and soul.  I try so hard to keep it together and not let that dark side of me come to surface. I can’t let the shadow take over my spirit and pull me deep into the dark where the sun no longer can grace me with its light and soulful energy. The mind has capabilities of creating enormous evil. Sit in the dark with scars on your heart you will see what I mean. 

I went and talked my therapist today to try and deal with some anger issues that I have. I have noticed that I have had issues with my attitude and anger as of late which I need help with. She told me to stop being so hard on myself. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s just having to learn from them. I can’t hold on to feelings of resentment and things from my past. I’m going to continue to write on this blog. It seems a good place to have release of my stress and it leaves me with the ability to have reflection of the growth (or not)that I make. I also need to learn to find a happy medium to reduce my stress and live in the present moment. She spoke of this present second being all we have at the moment so we need to be thriving and worrying about our immediate issues now. Don’t dwell in the past and don’t get to anxious for the future. I hope with her help I can pull the pieces together. I made my next appointment to see her soon.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

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Rant: Getting Some Things Off My Chest

What grinds my gears is the fact that guys who cheat most of the time have a good lady. He will run all over her. Be the biggest asshole in the world and she manages to stay around. When you for example, go out to the club and you knowingly pick up a chick and bang her while you’re in a relationship I do not agree with that notion. I also do not need/want to be with 1000 women for life to be fulfilled. I however do not judge others with issues of their infidelity. It’s not my demon to face. I only want to please 1 as many as times humanly possible. It’s the attraction I think of the “I can change them” mentality that many people (including myself) have. I see this is not always the case. A man/woman will do what they want until they are ready to commit if ever.  I am a good man and I don’t cheat but most of the guys around me do (or did) and they seem to have gotten off without any backlash. I know I have been a good man and I get lied on about being a cheater which makes no sense to me. All it makes me aware of is that people are watching at all times and I plan on giving them great things to observe and hate on because I will not stop being great. I’m no retaliator because I believe Karma will do everything she needs to do for me.

I’ve been reading this blog of this other transman and his experience with phalloplasty. I must admit it kinda made me really think about the surgery and it scares me. When people are going through embarrassing things and they decide not to post for awhile because of this, it can give the impression that everything is hunky dory when in fact it’s hell on Earth. For example when a guy cannot use the bathroom correctly he may not post it due to anxiety and known technique/surgeon flunkies who blame him for his pain.

I do have a favorite surgeon however and his name is Dr. Curtis Crane in California. I love his team’s technique for the glansplasty and his overall work that I’ve seen so far. I know that going to him does not guarantee a complication free surgery but I believe his team will have the knowledge and experience to fix any problems that arise. I’m happy to be back to my writing on this blog though during this rough semester. School has been kicking my ass but I hope to bounce back soon. Writing makes me happy because it’s my gift. I know it is…I do it well and I’m realizing in order to get the things I want I need to feed more into my gifts. I think sometimes about writing a book. One day at a time…

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

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