Escaping Hell

I am still in disbelief.

The world and everything that I created in my head from my past relationship was all fiction. There is no way that was my soul mate or true love that I have always been looking for based on everything that went down. Pain was something that connected us and than tore us apart with no chance of reconciliation.

I’ve been out here for years looking for another half to complete me. I now know that I’m not looking for another person to be the other 50% of my spirit. Whoever this person may be will be what I need in excess. I want to be 100% myself!

In fact now as I look back I’m left with scars all over my body from my skin being constantly submerged in the deepest parts of my own personal Hell.

The fire continues to scorch my skin as we speak during my current climb out of this hole of fire and darkness.

My dreams of marraige and kids dangled in front of me like a juicy fruit from a tree in hell.

These visions were all mirages and hallucinations that I would see coming from my own head to escape the torture I was receiving.

I took refuge away from the fire in the darkness.

The darkness was FULL with demons and monsters that tore me apart over and over again. Due to this I had to become a monster to defend myself. I have tapped into really horrible parts of myself that I did not know existed.

Slowly I have been pulling myself back together much stronger than when I was first initiated into evil.

With each step that I take upward, the pain of leaving is ever more intense and painful. Rest won’t come for me until I’m full out of the mouth of hell.

Traversing through both heaven and hell, I see I belong to neither side. I’m just me and I embrace both the light and the dark. You can’t have one without the other.

The pictures of fire and flames along with the man with the burnt skin are from the movie Spawn. I LOVE THIS MOVIE! I see myself and Earl Simmons have something in common. I was set out on a mission in which the journey led me down a dark path. I come out of hell with no memory of who I am.

I will use my new found abilities of the mind to create a bright future for myself turning all of the energy that I accumulated in darkness into light and life.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here

So Much Change

As of right now I am single again.

My ex fiance broke up with me in December. Before that me and her had been relatively on and off for months last year. We were together since November 2015.

It was like a whirlwind romance. 

Everything happened so fast. We went from dating to engaged all within the first year. I essentially jumped off a cliff asking her to marry me the way that I did. Risk should be my middle name as I dive off of cliffs without fear hoping for water that doesn’t cut me up at the bottom. In hindsight, I can see that now.

In my head, I was like this is who I am going to be with. It made me comfortable. The way that I grew up with my dad having HIV which eventually turned to AIDS kept me content with just sexing one person at a time. This is what I’m accustomed too.

Not only do I not have the urge to fuck random women, that shit terrifies me. There are so many sexually transmitted diseases, and infections out here.

One of my worse fears is to end up like my father in the way that he died. He was 53 and had a stroke in the middle of the night. His body was so weak from years of fighting the disease. I saw a picture of him a few years ago from around the time that he passed. He looked so different than I remember him.

It was so traumatizing to see. His face was basically caved in and he looked very sick. He died when I was a teenager. I guess I blocked out those images in my mind.

I love everything else about him. He was a great father to me and was always present with so much love. I got whatever I wanted.

Anyway back to the me venting about a marriage that will never happen…

We probably should’ve broken up a long time ago but I will say at least on my end I was comfortable in love with her.

I always thought that love would keep shit together like it had done my grandparents.

They physically fought and it was okay right?

Their marraige ended up lasting 50 something odd years even with apparent moments of domestic violence.

Growing up hearing this I feel I internalized what they had went through as “okay” when in fact it was very toxic at least in that area. My parents had become close to getting physical numerous times as well and they did not have a happy loving marriage.

Just dealing with all this stuff alone has made me want to build a stable healthy foundation for the next generation if I have the choice one day to become a dad. I used to talk about having kids a lot. Now I dont know if I can trust anyone to get attached to like that.

My ex also sent me a positive pregnancy test in the last few days. That shit really has thrown me for a loop. This woman knows how I’ve felt about having kids with the right person one day and giving them the whole world. We explored all of these thoughts by going to the GYN, finding out her ovulation date, and talking about the future.

All that shit I’m writing seems like a dream that I know existed. So many fucking memories in my head. I have to let go of. Shit hurts so much because of how I love.

When I give myself to someone they get all of me and then some. I dont know if I’ll ever find someone like that out there.

As many friends as I have, and my mom just downstairs I feel like I exist alone in my own reality. No one can understand how I’m feeling. Most people are out here trying to live for themselves.

Will I find love again? I don’t know….

Will I be open to it when or if it shows up? I don’t know…

I don’t want to put my hands on a woman ever again though. I admit in my younger 20’s I hit one of my exes. We dated for 6 years before she left me for a “real man” she said. That’s another story.

I never felt so bad in my life about hitting her. My anger had gotten the best of me. She had made me so mad but that didn’t warrant my reaction.

I also got into many fights with the last person I was with. This time I was never the aggressor. I felt I had to defend myself against this woman. My parents raised me to not let anyone punk or put their hands on me.

However now as a 31 year old transgender male of color I know I can’t be out here doing that shit nor do I want too.

Peace is all I have ever asked for in my life.

I just want my heart to heal.

I vow to never put my hands on a woman again but to try to walk away as long as I’m not being attacked. I will defend myself if in a life or death situation but if it’s not that the plan is to leave with my head held up high.

The only time I want to touch a woman from now on is when I’m hot for her or fucking. I’ve had to stop being touchy feely like I was when I presented female. I felt people were more friendly and open to me being a bit physical as a female.

As a male not so much. I happen to be a person of color as well so I will not pretend to not know how the world looks at me on a scale.

As a black man I’m sure I’m seen as aggressive, uneducated, out of control, illiterate, unpolished and the list goes on. This post isn’t meant to be a huge rant about black men. Just speaking my mind.

In terms of my transition, things couldn’t be better. I’ve completed both top surgery in 2013 and had a hysterectomy in 2015. If you’re interested in reading about my top surgery enter here.

Bottom surgery is a currently postponed till further notice. I’m working as a part of a real estate investing team. The money that I plan to make with transactions through the team and real estate flips will pay for surgery. I’ve set this goal. I just need to get it in motion.

I think I’m done rambling.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Gold Ranger Woes: Power Rangers Battle For The Grid PS4

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I AM FUCKING FRUSTRATED!

For the last 24 hours I have restarted my system and tried numerous ways to get this damn game to work!

The game as a whole is not malfunctioning, its the update that is not working for PS4 owners all over. I am not able to access the new Gold Ranger or The Pink Time Force Ranger. When I try to select the characters I am sent to PlayStation Network where the new skins AREN’T AVAILABLE!

Now the Gold Ranger isn’t Jason’s version.

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It is Trey from Triforia before he was split into three and had to transfer his powers to Jason.

I am a bigger fan of Jason donning the Black & Gold but I’ll take what I can get.

D_KAG5OUIAArcEe

So far based on information that I have gathered from the Power Rangers: Battle For The Grid websites the social media that represents the games have responded with “We hear that PS4 players are still having some trouble. We hear you and are currently looking into that right now. Will update you as soon as possible! Thanks for you patience!”

That’s all they have to say. Tomorrow will make two days that I have not been able to enjoy my favorite Power Ranger of ALL TIME!

THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!

I have not played the PS4 version of the game for a couple of months and when I find out something exciting has happened that actually makes me want to play this again, I was let down.

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My brother and I were looking at NBA news on YouTube when I saw the UPDATE INSTALLED pop up in the corner of my TV screen in reference to the Power Rangers game.

The last time I saw that a couple months ago, my ass ignored it….

HOW DUMB WAS I??!!!

I missed out for a week on the awesome story mode that was added and the RED RANGER WITH THE GREEN RANGER SHIELD!

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My nerd ass was tight as hell.

Now every time I see an update for any game I get antsy.

I’m like “WHAT AM I MISSING OUT ON?!

Anyway I am hoping this shit gets squared away soon so I can enjoy playing out the rest of the summer with Trey of Triforia.

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*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Abundance Mindset

I make my abrupt return to this platform developing myself into a new man.

I keep hearing of this “abundance mindset” from many of the everyday men that I talk to and watch online.

I am very good at having this mindset in other avenues inside my life. Unfortunately relationships wasn’t one of them.

Till as of late, I would have such a scarcity thought process.

Well this time again I was in love.

Love had me ignoring all the major red flags I should’ve seen in the beginning.

I saw the good in her regardless of her past. I’m learning that you need to pay attention to what someone has dealt with. It can be a factor later on.

There was also a lot of pain coming from both sides so I feel it added more fuel to the fire.

The therapist told us we could work it out but we stopped going.

I guess this will be one or those things that isn’t going to work because we gave up along with other issues of disrespect that was inside of the relationship.

I wasnt always the best to her but I loved her with all of me. I wanted us to be like that power couple I know we could have been but that’s dead it seems.

She just told me this week she had sex with someone during our breakups.

At first I was upset because of the thought of someone sleeping with my woman.

I couldn’t get the visual out if my head…

But then it occurred to me, I was not entitled to any type of loyalty at that time. I thought love would bring us back together with some time apart.

Shit Was I Wrong!

Soooooo much has went on in the last few months, I’m like damn I dont know how I’m going to fit this in one post. I plan on writing more as I get the power to share my truth.

Following all of my emotional outburst I began to have so much clarity as to what I’ve done wrong over the course of my life.

My mindset is not right…

I know this for a fact because all of my relationships have failed.

No!

I do not completely blame myself for what has occurred through all my life because that would be me not giving the assholes who have stumbled my way their fair share of the collapse.

I can be honest though and say I am not ready to be anyone’s husband.

This year alone has taught me so much in terms of the game in being a man. I have to take my position as such seriously and be a leader of a pack.

It means taking MYSELF more seriously as a human being but more so as a MAN.

This is so powerful. I didn’t even realize this due to my upbringing as a female.

I have been learning things as of late from men that are around me everyday. This includes the drug dealers, my barber, and my real estate mentor.

I feel all of these talks will make me not just book smart but street smart as a male.

I’ve been approaching women more frequently in my everyday journeys and I must say I’ve had some success with getting contact info and numbers.

There have been flakes and ones who are “gay” per se. This girl told me today that she “didnt do” men. She still offered me her number and wants to hang out.

I figured I’ll take the number because she may know others who like men like myself!

😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎

Another girl just didnt want to give me her number. That’s fine too. I got it out of the way. I forgot about her soon as I walked away. I hope I dont hit on her again!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

This relationship self help blog that I follow speaks of women in the realist way possible.

“Every girl you pass could be a future girlfriend/fuck buddy. It’s up to you as a man to start the interaction just as it is your job to penetrate a womans pussy”

I never looked at my new found position as a man in society to this extent.

I see with more rejection it does indeed breed confidence.

Girls stop for me when I talk to them so I know I’m not butt ugly!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

It’s still quite a barrier sometimes to speak to people and get over my codependency issues. I notice I still freeze up to talk to some women. I’m sure I’ll get over it as I do my daily approaches.

I feel like I still care to an extent much about what people think about me. Its something I deal with day to day.

However I have started to realize who I was and what I was capable of. My confidence has just soared as of late.

I see it like this. Whoever comes my way and it doesnt work out wasnt meant to be.

I used to put so much emotional emphasis on how I was making my partner/friends feel and not thinking of myself. That was the wrong idea.

It wont be happening any longer.

I am focused on my purpose and worrying about padding my bank accounts.

Something in me today breeded this post. I open my eyes wide and will let the sun shine in. The future is bright!

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Wal-Mart of Weed

I always have so many different ideas of what I want to do in World of Business.

The future for me is to have a storefront that sells marijuana at wholesale/retail prices.

It will be JOYOUS to get up and go to work everyday!

Imagine going to YOUR OWN business everyday and doing something that you love and feel passionate about?

It wouldn’t even feel like work…

Amazing can’t even describe the feeling one must have to do that.

I just have to keep speaking my light into existance.

There are so many things I want to be able to provide to my family. Whether it be through weed, real estate and clothing, imma get this bread.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Letter to Love Lost Pt.2

All I wanted from you was peace.

For my soul to finally be at rest. This crazy world out here really drains my energy. In you, I looked for solitide.

I’m starting to see I can’t find that with you no matter how hard I try.

It was supposed to be me and you against the world. Instead I feel like in your eyes you see me vs you.

I saw my shining star. I went with my heart…and now I’m left torn ever more into pieces because now I’m starting to feel it wasn’t real. Love can’t be real.

When you love hard, you can hate just as much in reverse. It’s a really thin line between the two emotions. I see that now as I can feel in my heart, hate for love.

Love seems all like a dream. It was never my reality. Love was an escape from my day to day rituals and deserting friends.

Do I really know what love is or do I confuse it with attachment/codependency?

(If you don’t know what codependency is take a look at it’s meaning here. I may write a blog about it because this is something that have been struggling with in my life for as long as I can go back in my mind. The topic can get quite extensive so look out for the blog link for that here.)

I think of the moment love gave me my ring back. Feeling like cement bricks in my hand, but pulling down on my heart. There’s no more left to give. I feel depleted.

I’m not saying I was the best to you either love. I am not right now the best me I can be. My heart has been kicked around by many people making me even more sensitive to shit that people do.

We are both not ready for each other.

I don’t think love understood how I really felt so I wrote my feelings down. It’s the best way I know how to communicate as this the first way I really knew how.

Anyway maybe later in life, love and I will come across each other again to fulfill the great destiny we shared together.

If not…well…we spent some great times together. I’ll keep a piece of you with me forever as I live out the rest my days that I wanted to spend with you.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Smile Everyday!

I’m learning no matter what to be authentic and be 100% ME!
I realized that it has been a while since I spoke on my transition so here is an update:

  • I made 6 years 3 months on testosterone this month
  • I’ve actually grown some hair on my face! Most of it is on my chin and I have a visible mustache (WINNING!)
  • I take myself more seriously…as a man
  • I’m ridding myself of the extra emotional ways of the past. There’s no need to be so serious all the time…

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

     Ughh!!! What A Drag! 

    I was reading some of my old blogs….

              THEY WERE BORING!

    I SEE WHY no one would want to read those long ass passages. I’m also seeing why I was left out of a lot of shit coming up. 

    I tried so hard to not be an overbearing asshole like my parents….

    I forgot who I was and what I needed out of life. A little mixture of nice and asshole has led me to become a nasshole.

    Yea I know its a bit corny but let me explain…

    A little bit of both in life can save you time, money and heartbreak from all types of relationships. You will happily avoid all assholes, manipulators, and energy vampires.

    I have definitely learned my lesson to laugh at evil and keep it moving. NOTHING is worth the millions of dollars I’ll make in the future.

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

     My Letter to Love Lost

    Dear Love Lost,

    Soul searching led me to write this to you. I have realized being the knight in shining armor was ABSOLUTE WRONG approach to keeping you. 

    I never learned from REAL MEN what exactly a MAN is. I learned out in the streets just as my male friends did…and from tv. 

    On a downward spiral this led me…to you. Now I can only blame myself for how I acted. I was not the best example of a person because I got sucked in. Just as deep as the void in my heart I had before we became 1…its left even emptier moreso now that you’re gone.

    I won’t be losing anymore love. My heart is shut to it…

    Vulnerability gets no respect…

    You put yourself out there to get hurt when being to nice.

    Life is a bitch but she won’t be to me anymore. Pain has made me darker. I don’t need anyone. I need more money. I won’t be going hard or showing anymore love to anyone.

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

    Reignited Passion

    Real estate professionals make a fuck load of money!

    I love this field so much!

     It’s that thing that ignites my fire. 

    I plan to use my passion to succeed in life. By the time I’m done building myself up, no one will recognize me. 100 percent work will be going into building ME up to success and financial freedom. Money is a tool they say…I say IT’S EVERYTHING. You get what you want with it. Money talks….IT’S TIME TO GET IT! 

    So many things will change.I’ll control my raging anger with a quick getaway or trip to the bank to make investments. 

    In terms of my transition, my bottom surgery will be done by the best. Only the best for me and my future Jimmy so…

    I need to get this money…

    $100,000 is what I need minimum to pay all cash for the surgery. Definitely going to figure this out. Along with the rest of life, it will get better with time just not to give a fuck.

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.