Mindset

“You ain’t worthy, you see my love, you don’t deserve it
Can you take it, you can dish it, you can serve it, but when the tables turned on you, I’m wrong
When every man deserves happiness hey, I’m a dog, when you’re the reason that it happened all along
And I try to look past it, oh but its the, its the, its the things you do”

https://youtu.be/c6GAL_RxbfA


Oh I do so many things for you girl and still you wanna act a fool”

Writing will be updated periodically. The song says enough for now.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

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The Good Guy Always Loses…

I can talk for days on this topic and I plan on doing just that here (lol)I start with my experiences growing up around some of my male friends. My closest friends are cisgender. Cisgender means that they identify with their gender from birth. I was around a very interesting group of individuals. We would spend most of our summers together along with my brother from another mother attending high school with me for 2 years. I was exposed to heightened masculinity at its finest. We talked about “smuts, slides, and hoes” daily as this is what females were frequently called by the people around me. Girls were getting “popped off” on the regular. I never made any judgments of my friends. I attributed it to the testosterone coursing through their veins. The over sexualized hip hop culture that we grew up to love I believe had a part as well. I would see them pick up girls and toss them to the side usually with no feelings after the interaction. This is the very same thing I saw in the MTV show Jersey Shore the other day.

I was never an avid watcher of the show when it was actually on but I love it now. There were countless episodes with Pauly D and The Situation asking women “You DTF?” There is one particular comment from Pauly D’s mouth that really stuck with me. He said “It’s Saturday, we don’t have time to waste. If they not DTF I’m moving to the next.” Dude would have chicks on backup in case one didn’t show. He had numerous women flocking to him and was an asshole most of the time. Now “DTF” for people might not ring a bell. It means “down to f@€#.” These guys were praised for their attitude and it was attributed to just being guys huh? The world is so assed backwards at times. 

During the second season, Angelina was dating a guy named José. He was taking her out on dates and courting her. Even showing up to her job in a suit to give her a gift, he was the man girls dream of. 

Charming and sweet, he wanted to sweep her off her feet. When his birthday came after numerous dates and bonding, he was still not able to have sex with her. Giving a female gifts is not a prerequisite for sex, I know this. It just happens that she was an open whore on the side. 

Vinny (pictured above) was one of her roommates who disrespected her on a daily basis and even nicknamed her the “Staten Island Dump.” Guess which one of these guys got the goodies? 

It just goes to show you that it doesn’t always hurt to be bad. It does hurt in the long run though. Girls dig it in the beginning until they get played and then they ask “where are all the real men?” Well you over looked him for the asshole who you thought was better for you. Thanks for reading guys.

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The Hottest Love Has the Coldest End

It was like the greatest high I ever felt…then you crash back down to the Earth. Harder then before…your heart is heavy from all the pain. I’ve been letting myself feel my emotions as of late. I cried today while listening to music. I want so bad to just have someone who won’t give up on me. A person who can be empathetic to my mistakes. One day I hope to be someone’s husband and baby father. Security is what I’m searching for now in my life. I don’t want to be around anything that doesn’t bring the best out of me at all times. I’m just tired of fighting. Seems like shit is always to the extreme and it’s pissing me off. I’m in my feelings right now and my mind is all over the place. I don’t know what to do. 

I don’t want love right now. The shit hurts too damn bad. I don’t want the emotions and everything that comes with it. 

I do miss the look in her eye when she tells me “I love you”. Holding her waist ever so gently and pulling her close meant the world to me. With those hips I saw one who could bear my seed and we raise them up together.  I would imagine a star studded wedding with me waiting for her down the aisle. I would see that white gown and tear up as I saw her coming towards me. I would tell her the vows that I wrote and hold her hand. Pulling the veil up to kiss those soft lips.  She becoming my Queen and I her King. I kneel before my bride and kiss her hand. I do believe now that all that was a dream. 

I hate feeling like I was set up. All she saw was herself. I hate how life flashes what I want in my face like some kind of a joke. I saw perfection while she saw deception. 


[Jhene Aiko – Chorus]
“You had to change up the game
Oh the weather is not the same
Now there’s only cloudy days
I can’t stand the rain in July
Oh July
There were fireworks exploding (exploding)
But now it’s getting colder
The leaves are turning colors
Why, it’s just not our season
The one and only reason
Baby oh baby oh
Our summer turned into fall

[Drake – Verse 2]
Damn, tell me where did all the magic go
I followed all the rules and told you everything you had to know
Had you over every night, every night was passionate
Plus you met my mother even if it was an accident
I’m confused tell me where we go wrong
I was sure that I would be with you so long
I was planning on this being something worth mentioning
Energy invested in someone I saw potential in
Who killed Chivalry they need to get their sentencing
Meanwhile we arguing and I can’t get a sentence in
And just as I predicted here we go again
They always say the hottest love has the coldest end

[Chorus]

[Jhene Aiko]
See its funny ’cause I never thought this would end but then the season changed
[Drake]
You were my, you were my, you were my girl (I was your girl)
Should’ve made, should’ve made, should’ve made you my World
Should’ve made you everything to make you happy baby
[Jhene Aiko]
Can’t wait for, can’t wait for, can’t wait for springtime
And I will turn into a butterfly
I will spread my wings and fly


https://youtu.be/G7m8dfVWLc8

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Facebook Addiction

Hi..My name is Suites and I have a Facebook Addiction. Coming to terms with this was very hard. It’s something that I had to sit down and ponder about. When my mind had nothing else to wonder about I would find myself scrolling down my Facebook timeline for minutes on end, feeding my energy into this powerful entity. I regard it as such a thing because of the amount of control it has on people’s daily lives. Life had landed me with a number of future opportunities to work for the city. All of these employment orientations have led me to giving up my social media identities for them to look at before they hire me. The importance this website has on my future is paramount. I do not want to make this a staple of my time on Earth. 

It has been about a week since I deactivated my Facebook account. On the first day, to my surprise I felt very anxious. I would pick up my phone with many thoughts including going back to Facebook and calming my nerves. Ignoring these feeling I went on to do many things including:

  • Worked out more often
  • Read real estate articles
  • Spent more time living outside of the phone screen

 The list goes on with the things I did with my newfound minutes each day. I still do have my Instagram account and post quotes once in a while but it is not something I spend a lot of my time on. I choose not to have a Snap chat or other accounts because these things are a time waster in my opinion. 

I think of the simple times before all of the electronic devices and the Internet. The 90’s into the 2000’s were some of the best years of my life. It just happened to be during the time when the Internet and cell phones were brand new and not very relevant to everyday life. I imagined my timeline during the Super Bowl game and felt very blessed to be able to enjoy the moments of watching the game and not caring about the “likes” on my post. I really don’t give a damn about people’s opinions any longer.

Like any addiction this will take time to get completely off of my mind though. I will not say that I don’t get weak sometimes. I’m human and I make so many damn mistakes but then I wake up the next day a new man with new choices to make. One day I’ll be reveling in the success that I deserve to have. I have to put it out into universe to create for me so I’m claiming everything I want in life to be mine. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

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Domestic Violence Against Males

If you’re a male victim of domestic violence click here for more resources. Gay and Transgender males in the NYC area can call (212) 714-1141

I was just watching an episode of Maury about Domestic abuse to women. Now I’m all for women getting the help that they need when they are not being given the respect that they deserve but there are plenty of resources for them. I’m a bit flabbergasted though that men are not on these shows along with the women. It’s not only an epidemic for the one gender. Men are abused by their partners as well. I have been hit by a significant other and it has messed with my head. I have been through a lot in my life so it’s  just another hurdle to get over. I am still here on this planet so there is time to heal and pull it all together. I was working the primary election where I met a judge aid. She was telling me about some of the twisted women that she had met in the court who are just as vindictive if not more evil then the guys. It was a random conversation that had come up but it was something I needed to hear. I will never let any person put their hands on me again. I recently made a promise and swore to my father that it wouldn’t happen again. I also asked for his protection and guidance with these issues. 

If there are any guys out there who have been mentally, physically,  or mentally abused don’t stay silent. Tell people who can help you get back to you like a therapist or close friend. You need to get your strength back. Remember it is not your fault. Whenever someone lashes out in anger like that, it is their own insecurities and issues they are dealing with. Don’t let them put that on you. If you’ve had enough leave. Unless they go and get help and commit to it. Everyone has their flaws but we are all adults. Do not let anyone put their hands on you! You are no one’s child if you’re in a relationship. 

Just writing about this issue that I was having has helped me to cleanse and get rid of that negative spirit that was on me. I will not allow it to happen again.  

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

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Da Ganja…Mary Jane Diariez

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(Cough cough)
Im floating…high above the clouds…soaring…flying…Mary wont let me go.

I can’t go a day without thinking about making it big. “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars” I’ve been told. I see myself traveling to Amsterdam. That would be one of the first places I hit. I’d be all in the coffee shops with a native of course smoking my weed till my eyes can’t open.

That’s one thing that I don’t hide from people that know me personally. I love some good ganja. It can get me in the zone. I’ve had sessions with Mary Jane and watched real estate seminars online, along with working out. I’ll smoke a blunt and do a rigorous session of Insanity and before a pull up session. You can see proof of my hard work here. I have yet to have this drug affect my life negatively or have a time which I could not focus or function properly. It’s just hard to completely kick the habit for these jobs I will eventually want. It’s something that I like to do like video games. It’s one of my favorite past times. I’ve seen mostly lower paying, city and/or blue collar jobs with drug testing. I look at many law firms and white collar careers that I would love to work for in the future not require one. What’s up with that? Are these jobs not coveted by job seekers?I believe the issue is the class system at play again. If you can afford to go to school to work in these positions there is no need to test you. If you are from a working class background, this barrier is present. It is this level of unfairness that keeps many qualified people out of work just because we prefer an herbal stress reliever after a long day. I’m only speaking for the potheads out there.

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I’ve been saying I’d vote for Bernie Sanders if he ends up running for President. His trump card in this for me is Marijuana Legelization.

I’ll write more in depth about him next time I’m online. Thanks for reading.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

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Heart Growing Cold…

As the days go by and I see myself spending more time alone, I’ve come to the realization that people have thrown me to the wayside like a piece of trash multiple moments in my life. How can it be so easy to walk away from me and not look back? I’ve come across some very interesting personalities. I’ll never forget some that have stumbled onto my path…it’s just some that leave an impression on your heart…the memories that never fade…at least that don’t in my mind. For others, those times appear simply trash, nothing worth holding dearly. Walking away for me is the hardest because I always believe something is worth salvaging. When will my heart grow cold?

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

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Hot like Fire

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I’ve been spending some time with a very beautiful person inside and out. Incredible in many ways…She’s so giving and such a sweetheart. It took some magic to soften that hardened Brooklyn exterior that life has helped to create. Once you get past that, her gentleness, and that oh so sexy femininity shows itself and intertwines with my masculinity to create something more then just casual intimacy. Her curves are out of this world. I’ve ridden them all the way around the bend and I can tell you every second was ecstasy. It’s like a whirlwind of emotions has come through to leave us both very confused to what we want.

It all started with a date to the village. I was celebrating my father’s birthday with some good ol’ Mary Jane and some sultry old school Sade. “Sweetest Taboo” is one of my favorite songs that I remember my father always listening to those days he would be cleaning up the house. On his birthdays since he passed away, I usually just chill by myself and reflect on life and where I want to go. This year I was expecting a level of comfort from people that I did not get and I felt I deserved. I had happened to start talking to this young lady some days before after my neighbors had a party. That night we talked about many things including Trans Male Penis size which you can find here. It was something about her that I couldn’t help but be attracted to this woman. We talked and I was feeling the vibe I couldn’t help but ask to stay connected.

Fast forward to last weekend of my dad’s birthday we went to hang out in the village and she showed me new things I’ve never been exposed to. We did some bar hopping, ate some good ass food and got some massages. We ended up back at my house where she dozed off in my arms. We woke up to spend time together just chatting about finances and the SEC. But then it just got real hot…we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and just had to stop it all before it went to far. She had to leave on business and I was left with a hard one and her on my mind.

A day went by and she was supposed to be off on the business trip. She is an accountant and was going off with her firm to do training. Life that day made sure we would be able to see each other. She was not able to get on her flight and had time to see me as I live right by the airport. She came by and that internal Scorpio flame inside me could not be tamed. We could not keep our hands off each other and ended up going the absolute distance. It was so hot in that place! By the time everything was said and done, I was left with something inside me stirring that I haven’t felt in a long time. She left and went on her trip and I was feeling so good. We talked the whole time she was away and even met up when she came back. We just spent the last few days together…It was amazing! I’m not really sure what’s going on right now with this situation but I’m just going to enjoy the company of this beautiful woman and cherish the moments.

It is so refreshing to actually feel stress free and open to change. I do have excess baggage in the background but I’m not going to allow that to diminish my future blessings. Just one weekend has strengthened my values and it gave me that extra pep I’ve been needing. I definitely will not be taking anymore crap from women in relationships. If a woman is not looking to build and grow with me I’m going to go elsewhere with my time because I know my worth. This one right here is my complete opposite.

What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness.

John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley: In Search of America

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Trans Man Talk: Does Size Matter?

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I was chatting with a very interesting young lady about penis size and how much it matters to a woman. I see that it varies depending on the lady. When I told her I looked to get a 7 to 8 inch penis, she semi frowned at me like she was disappointed. She said to me “if you can choose why go small?”

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The average male is 5.16 inches long and has about a 4.19 inch circumference according to the Huff Post. After going back and forth we came to the conclusion that there is a stigma in the African American community on penis size. My answer to this was “my preferable penis size is not for the pleasure of you, it’s for my comfort. 8 inches is small relatively speaking. “ She said she likes them big so she can feel full. I have heard this from multiple women in my community so im seeing that size can be a factor in a mans sexual relationship with women. I know it would be possible to tame an anaconda but I really don’t feel the need to impress anyone. My future boo will just need to be happy with what I have or keep it moving. I know for a fact the size that I want is good enough for thick women to enjoy. So that’s what I’m sticking to for now. I have plenty of time to rethink my penis size so I’m not going to stress all that just yet.

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Polyamory/ Polygomous Relationships



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I was talking to this interesting female yesterday who was great with conversation. She is a chef/allied health professional/model. I love to talk to hustlers/entrepreneurs like myself. It intrigues me. Now it got to a point in our convo when she threw out there that she was involved with the polyamorous lifestyle. Like most people I confused it with being polygamous which is something completely different. I’m still waiting for her outline of the differences between the 2 but until then I did my own research for my curiosity and education because I mean you can learn something new everyday.

Polyamory relationships can include ‘many loves’ or sexual partners. It’s not affliated to any religious background or following.
Communication is key in these types of relationships I’ve learned. Everyone in the relationship would be aware of one another so it’s not cheating. To be in this type of relationship, I feel I would need to be very secure with myself and less possesive. It’s something new I’m learning about so I won’t throw the idea to the wayside. I’ve only known monagomy as a way of life but I won’t be quick to judge someone else’s lifestyle because I’m ignorant to its qualities.

Pologamy involves marriage to multiple partners. When a man is married to more then one female it’s called polygyny. When a woman is wed to more then one man its referred to as polyandry. Some polyamorous relationships involve marriage like in a “home base” type of thing with serious relationships on the side. Just when I was I beginning to think I knew everything, life opened my eyes even more.

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My motivation lately has been low for my outside endeavors because of stress on the homefront. I go home with a chip on my shoulder as I feel daily I am going to punch my neighbor in the face. We have had multiple run ins for the the last few weeks and tension is high. Patience is not even the word to use when dealing with my life situations. I am that guy who goes till the wheels fall off even when I know I shouldn’t. I call it borderline stupidity sometimes when it comes to just letting go. I have found that people seem to have it easy when it comes to leaving me hanging but when I do it, life all goes to crap. I am all of a sudden a bad guy when it occurs. I have decided to put on my man pants and let go of the excess baggage. I will be updating my blog but I plan on going ghost in certain peoples lives so I can figure out if I want them around or not. Why waste any of my precious time on anyone who wont do the same for me? These seconds of my life that I spend sending messages and making phone calls to no response, I could’ve been deep in my real estate book learning the laws of my state. I could’ve been pursuing that really cute girl in my philosophy class which I have been putting off. I’ve talked to her more on a friendly tip but next week the real games begin. I don’t plan to get myself into any more serious relationships for awhile till I can learn to be content by myself but it will be nice to play around and talk to more women with brains and beauty.

Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.

-Deborah Reber, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul

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