Fatty McFatFat

Why am I fat again?

I originally looked like this before I started doing the Insanity workout in 2012.

These are also pics before my top surgery so bare with me.

I did all that work from 2012- 2014 to look like this…

I speak about my original weight loss here. My top surgery was completed by Dr. Weiss in NYC. I speak of that experience here.

Now in 2018 this is me..

That’s two different people there!

I am just in complete utter shock at how much weight I’ve gained.

I’ve been through the ringer in my life to this point since 2014. I’ve lost friends, lovers and my own self respect.

Just in December, I got hurt at work so this has limited me even further in the work that I can do. My diet was crap because I was so depressed with my lack of movement. I used food as a means to get pleasure when I was bored or stressed.

Now there’s Fatty McFatFat!

The next 60 days, I’m going to work on changing my life around. Getting arms and back definition is highly important to me as a man.

Things can’t stay the same!

Growth and progress forward is the only option.

On another note, I am currently messing around with the idea of a clothing line. It could be a great personal venture for me.

My clothing will be a way to present my individuality to the world.

This may even cause me to come out eventually and not live as a stealth transman.

I have to give even less fucks and do what I have to do. This could be my gold mine in disguise!

Just think of the possibilities!

Everyone has something unique about oneself. At times for me that’s the biggest thing I feel that sets me apart from others. Being a transgender male that is.

I am not ashamed of transitioning at all. That would be a pussy move.

Embracing my status internally has always worked for me. I may need to rethink some of my thoughts. I know my thinking originated from fear which I need to overcome to live my best life possible.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Da Ganja…Mary Jane Diariez


(Cough cough)
Im floating…high above the clouds…soaring…flying…Mary wont let me go.

I can’t go a day without thinking about making it big. “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars” I’ve been told. I see myself traveling to Amsterdam. That would be one of the first places I hit. I’d be all in the coffee shops with a native of course smoking my weed till my eyes can’t open.

That’s one thing that I don’t hide from people that know me personally. I love some good ganja. It can get me in the zone. I’ve had sessions with Mary Jane and watched real estate seminars online, along with working out. I’ll smoke a blunt and do a rigorous session of Insanity and before a pull up session. You can see proof of my hard work here. I have yet to have this drug affect my life negatively or have a time which I could not focus or function properly. It’s just hard to completely kick the habit for these jobs I will eventually want. It’s something that I like to do like video games. It’s one of my favorite past times. I’ve seen mostly lower paying, city and/or blue collar jobs with drug testing. I look at many law firms and white collar careers that I would love to work for in the future not require one. What’s up with that? Are these jobs not coveted by job seekers?I believe the issue is the class system at play again. If you can afford to go to school to work in these positions there is no need to test you. If you are from a working class background, this barrier is present. It is this level of unfairness that keeps many qualified people out of work just because we prefer an herbal stress reliever after a long day. I’m only speaking for the potheads out there.


I’ve been saying I’d vote for Bernie Sanders if he ends up running for President. His trump card in this for me is Marijuana Legelization.

I’ll write more in depth about him next time I’m online. Thanks for reading.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Bringing the Blog Up To Speed…


I was on a roll with this blog before school got so intense. I’ve been spending my time living life instead of dwelling in the digital. Right now, I have been doing well in school. I find myself actually excelling in the “world of academia”. I was very skeptical when I started due to the money I’d have to put out. I decided to head on back to my old CUNY school to keep costs as low as possible. I don’t plan on letting student loan debt become something that cramps my lifestyle by only taking out as much as I need. Next semester when I qualify for more aid, I’m going to save the grants in a bank account so that when I finish my first degree, I can buy my first property. Spending money to increase your future net worth is more then worth it. This all started with life giving me an answer through my long time friend and brother on the phone. I haven’t seen him in years but I know he meant well when he told me to go back to school. I’m so happy and blessed that I listened. I must say it has given me my mojo back. My self-esteem and spirit have grown immensely in the last couple of months. I feel strong and I’m learning my worth. I refuse to settle for subpar relationships and quality of life. I had a female contact me today feeling some type of way after being deleted a while back. I’m not looking for any more random friends on my page nor am I looking to waste my time. We messaged back and forth maybe twice before I didn’t get a response for days. I don’t chase after women like they are objects so that didn’t phase me. I used to get my confidence from outside of my being and I see that was the problem in itself. I have to love myself to get the authentic passion that I deserve. Rejection or failure in those things have taught me lessons that I should’ve learned but I’m starting to get now. Being a man is more then just the physical aspects. It’s an all around lifestyle being able to provide and lead for myself and my family on a daily basis. I’m very traditional when it comes to gender roles so I need a wife whose not afraid to be submissive but has a backbone not to put up with my bs. She has to be willing to mother and nurture my children while I work at least until they are of pre-school age. Then I could feel more at ease with letting them into the watchful eyes of a stranger.

I passed both the court officer and BTO exams while in the process for applying for more city tests. I’m very tempted to take the NYPD exam when they start to offer it again. I was explaining to a friend that I feel like I’d be going against some sort of inner code by taking that oath. It’s internalized oppression affecting my thoughts even though I know better than that. It’s a great stable job with benefits that I could use as a stepping stone to get to the next level in my life. It will all just require patience and chess like decision-making on my part. I need be able to fit my bottom surgery into all of this as well. I know that I wont be content until I can wake up and feel physically completely whole. I work everyday until I can revel in that feeling.

I do have my hysto pre-surgical appointment coming up so this is a step forward for my transition. This is something I’m going to have to do to be able to have the bottom surgical procedure that I want. You can read all about that here. Life has been giving me so much positive energy I’m guessing to balance out the extreme lows I’ve felt and right now I am content. I haven’t reached the plateau just yet but I will keep trying until I make it.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas Edison

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Unwavering Focus

 ”You pile up enough tomorrows, and you’ll find you are left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays.”- Harold Hill


I have been really buckling down and getting my school work done. I like going to school as I am around other people with hopes and dreams like myself. I’ve met some pretty intelligent people the last couple of weeks. I do have one complaint about the public education system. I was in my communications class which I’m taking to better myself and my public speaking abilities. The class was selected by me because I was told it will help with my business presentation. I want to able to talk to people and sell houses and products. I expressed my entrepreneurial goals with her to be told “that’s not appropriate for the class”. She was training us to work for someone else.That turned me off for awhile and I began to zone out. “Is this really what she wants us to do?” As I listened to her resume, I knew I was talking to the wrong person about business mentoring. I told her it could be her way now but when I leave that class I’m doing me. I really wanted to take an entrepreneur class but I would need to change my major again. I just went into legal studies this semester so I have to focus on that. After I get this degree then I can go back and take the class. I’m planning on becoming a real estate paralegal so I can learn the legal aspects of owning property and use this to my advantage. The more knowledge I have the better.

In terms of today, I’m feeling good now. I wasn’t having the best morning so I went out and blew off some steam. I worked out so I’m feeling strong. I ran into a cool guy I know on his way to an interview and it gave me so much positive energy. I love people who are hustlers and hard workers. It kept me from getting lazy today. I did some quick work at the library on my cover letter and watched a real estate webinar titled “8 FREE/Dirt cheap marketing strategies to get motivated sellers calling you to sell their homes at a DEEP discount” by Nick Ruiz which you can find here. I learned quite a bit on how to do these deals and signed up for another on Thursday night. Im on the letter “p” so far in the real estate index so I’m working to realize my dream of financial freedom. I want an 8 figure net worth. I’m focused and looking to make my next move.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Time Drainers


I DON’T LIKE MY TIME BEING WASTED! This is something that I hate and I dont really like to use that word to describe anything because there’s such a strong emotional attachment to it. As I get older it become increasingly important to spend my seconds just as I would my money. I use what I can from experience to teach me what NOT to do in the future. One thing I have noticed is that people can be very selfish with their time but play with yours. I know how good of a person I am so I’m learning not to take crap from the world. I embrace my imperfections as strengths that set me apart from others. I can give off a “weird” vibe sometimes. I say weird because anyone I consider to be “Plugged into the Matrix” seems not to gel that well with me and that’s absolutely fine. I don’t like small talk or anything to do with the media. I feel it’s a waste of my brain cells when I hear others speak of “mindless” celebrities who don’t give a damn about them. Those “stars” push an agenda that I see has millions of people completely hypnotized and dumbed down because of it. When I see famous people, they make me want more of what they have. I can’t sit and watch an award show or reality tv with nice houses and cars and not feel more hungry for my dreams to come true. It makes me want to work harder to attain whatever it is that I want.

There are not many TV shows that I can sit and watch with out getting bored. When I do watch the tube though, I tune into “Property Brothers” on HGTV. I’ve watched Jonathan and Drew Scott remodel some pretty dismal cribs into dream houses. I see their passion for real estate through their attitude towards it. Being able to have fun while getting some serious money sounds like a dream that I will make come true for myself. I just have to figure out 1 way to change my life.

Im starting to see my own love for real estate as I become more knowledgeable about it. In between my classes and other things I plan on studying different types of property and sales in real estate.

This is my first blog since starting class and it has been such a roller coaster. Being full time is a whole lot different from my 2 classes last time around. I had a class cancelled on me and I was unable to log into my student email till today after a crazy run around. College and I have a love/hate relationship. I love to learn new things but the amount of work you must do is crazy. So far I’ve been managing so I expect a good semester. With maturity I have been learning to prioritize my work before play so I can get all A’s this time around. I want to bring my GPA up so I can transfer to a better school for law. Which means a lot less of lolly gagging and nonsense. I feel if I work now I’ll be able to play later much earlier then my peers if I put in the effort. I want my future wife to be able to take care of home without any barriers in the way whether it be children or just her own personal goals. The plan is make sure my future generations don’t have to struggle as much as I did to get to where I am which will hopefully lead to better opportunities for them. Those petty time wasters will not be invited to the party.


*If you are looking for transition related material look here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Letting It All Hang Out…


I found this funny picture of this cat and couldn’t resist using it to express how vulnerable I’ve made myself to others by putting this blog out there.

My Claim To Fame

I love women. I knew from grade school I was “weird” at least in the eyes of the avid heterosexual back in the 90’s. It was around 3rd or 4th grade that I felt my first attractions to the female gender. My first crushes were 2 lightskin, fair-haired females who were pretty girls but into sports. My concept of beauty at that time was artificial. 

I remember the girls all calling me a “tomboy” as I got a little older now in junior high. I would wear windbreaker pants and vest. The outfit would be topped with the matching headband with the Nike check to the side. As I speak on in my last article here, I idolized Nelly ALOT. I always felt jealous of people who had confidence in themselves. I was never completely happy growing up as a teen female. I could never approach a woman the way I wanted for fear of rejection and ridicule. I recall an incident where a girl who was part of the rainbow crew in my school wore a “Barbie is a Lesbian” t-shirt and it sparked such controversy. You can look at this article here. It scared the crap out of me and chased me further into the closet.

For the next 2 years of my life I pretended to be someone I wasn’t. This included acting like I was attracted to the opposite sex with my loose girl clothes on. I hated the color pink and despised life for not birthing me as a male. I was a homophobe or at least pretended to be to fit in with my friends. It wasn’t up until I couldn’t take it anymore. I was living a great lie. Almost overnight my personality changed. I started to don a different color du-rag on the regular along with some of my dad’s old pants and loose t- shirts. I ended writing a letter to the main chick that I ridiculed telling her my true feelings and asking to be my friend. Long story short she ended up being my first girlfriend. She introduced me to a theater program formally known as “City at Peace NY”. It is now called the Possibility Project and can be found by clicking here. Here is where I learned I could be myself and opened up to the life of the rainbow. There were so many people like myself in the community and the support was rock solid. Even with all that it still did not feel right.

I did not feel somewhat complete until my freshman year in college after I bought my first prosthetic. There was an almost instant relief in my psyche. I could be intimate with a femele the way that I wanted which is through penetration. I would sometimes wear the device on a regular day because I liked how it felt between my legs. I attributed these feelings to “penis envy” and left it at that.

Fast forward about 5 years into around 2011 when I started to look up testosterone supplements. I saw pictures of women with muscular bodies who would dominate physical routines. I looked up the side effects of this stuff and they include some of the following:

Clitoromegaly (enlargement of the clitoris)
Facial hair growth
Deepening of the voice
Male pattern baldness

At the time there was no way that could happen. I thought “How would people look at me? What would my partner think?”. It was not until I was looking up an old friend when I found out my own truth. I saw him in transition and was amazed at his changes. I saw the acronym FTM in his gender category so I googled it and found so many guys who felt like me. The first blog I read was here at Ethan Daniels website. It took me to many other blogs and resources that I have used in my own transition. I learned that it was OK to be who I wanted to be.

Since then I have been on hormones and have transformed my body and spirit. I love who I am today and have had so much relief with my dysphoria as I see the man I want now but I still feel like I’m missing equipment. I want to have Bottom Surgery and I have explain the specifics on on a past blog here. My intimate life has gotten so much better the more I feel like “me” though so I can be a bit patient with this process. I will continue on till my physical transition is over and continue with my spiritual and financial growth. Thanks for reading.

If you’re looking for more transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

The Names Bond…James Bond


OK so I’m not the 007 agent from Mi6 whose classic swagger has saved his life and others over and over again. I am however living my life as a male of transgender experience. Living this life fairly stealth in the beginning to me was stressful at times. I am in a heterosexual relationship with a cisgender female whose family does not know my past and we plan to keep it that way. Cisgender for example means that she associates with her gender from birth. This is one of those subjects that can be very touchy. I’ve heard “you are being deceptive” and “why not?”. Well my girl is very adament that they dont need to know so im happy she is by my side. This is a personal choice you would have to make when dealing with In-Laws. I am not so avid to keep this side of me a secret anymore but I don’t wear a sign on my head either.

I am fairly far into my physical transition as I am around 4 years on testosterone and have had great changes to my body. I’ve also had top surgery which you can look at here. I love the changes I have had and continue to get more confident in myself as the days go by.

*If your looking for transition related material click here

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

“If I told you I’m good probably you will say I’m boasting, but if I tell you I’m no good, you’d know I’m lying” – Bruce Lee



It is a word that has appealed to me since first hearing it in grade school but I had no idea what it meant. I grew up with ambitions and goals just like everyone else. The difference with myself is that thoughts of business are always on my mind. Success to me is having passive income where I can make money in my sleep and wake up to this….


I could be watching what is considered “ratchet tv” and think of the money I could be making if I just step outside of the box. It is something that is plaguing my mind every second as I think to myself “things could be better”. I am not some ungrateful human being snobby. I grew up on the bottom.

“Upper class poor” was my father’s definition of our lifestyle. Every Christmas, birthday, or good report card I recall getting some type of Power Ranger toy or video game. So I was blessed in that sense to never be without material things but the hood is outside my door. I was fortunate to go to Disney World as a minor as I found many of my Job Corps family down the line didn’t get to experience that privilege as it was at the time. It wasn’t until I was a courier for UX that I would really see the disparity between African Americans and people of Caucasian descent. In the very nice buildings where I would do the deliveries I would see a majority of other races (Asian, Russian, whatever is “exotic”) and I would say to myself “I deserve to be here too”. The path that I was on as a worker I knew in my heart would never make it possible for me to stay in those buildings where the rent is more then 3 months of my hourly wage at the time. I knew a change had to come.

In a couple weeks my journey into the world of law will commence. I plan on going to the top when it comes to my education. The plan is to use law since it is a well paying field. I want to use my income to start my own gym. I love how working out has helped me to increase my confidence and enhance my looks. I would like to share that energy in a safe place of peace for people to become a better version of themselves. As you can see here I put my money where my mouth was in this case as l molded and shaped my body with exercise. Someday I will use my passions to fuel my dreams. Thanks for reading.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.