It was like the greatest high I ever felt…then you crash back down to the Earth. Harder then before…your heart is heavy from all the pain. I’ve been letting myself feel my emotions as of late. I cried today while listening to music. I want so bad to just have someone who won’t give up on me. A person who can be empathetic to my mistakes. One day I hope to be someone’s husband and baby father. Security is what I’m searching for now in my life. I don’t want to be around anything that doesn’t bring the best out of me at all times. I’m just tired of fighting. Seems like shit is always to the extreme and it’s pissing me off. I’m in my feelings right now and my mind is all over the place. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want love right now. The shit hurts too damn bad. I don’t want the emotions and everything that comes with it.
I do miss the look in her eye when she tells me “I love you”. Holding her waist ever so gently and pulling her close meant the world to me. With those hips I saw one who could bear my seed and we raise them up together. I would imagine a star studded wedding with me waiting for her down the aisle. I would see that white gown and tear up as I saw her coming towards me. I would tell her the vows that I wrote and hold her hand. Pulling the veil up to kiss those soft lips. She becoming my Queen and I her King. I kneel before my bride and kiss her hand. I do believe now that all that was a dream.
I hate feeling like I was set up. All she saw was herself. I hate how life flashes what I want in my face like some kind of a joke. I saw perfection while she saw deception.
[Jhene Aiko – Chorus] “You had to change up the game Oh the weather is not the same Now there’s only cloudy days I can’t stand the rain in July Oh July There were fireworks exploding (exploding) But now it’s getting colder The leaves are turning colors Why, it’s just not our season The one and only reason Baby oh baby oh Our summer turned into fall
[Drake – Verse 2] Damn, tell me where did all the magic go I followed all the rules and told you everything you had to know Had you over every night, every night was passionate Plus you met my mother even if it was an accident I’m confused tell me where we go wrong I was sure that I would be with you so long I was planning on this being something worth mentioning Energy invested in someone I saw potential in Who killed Chivalry they need to get their sentencing Meanwhile we arguing and I can’t get a sentence in And just as I predicted here we go again They always say the hottest love has the coldest end
[Jhene Aiko] See its funny ’cause I never thought this would end but then the season changed [Drake] You were my, you were my, you were my girl (I was your girl) Should’ve made, should’ve made, should’ve made you my World Should’ve made you everything to make you happy baby [Jhene Aiko] Can’t wait for, can’t wait for, can’t wait for springtime And I will turn into a butterfly I will spread my wings and fly
I haven’t been sleeping well. My mind always seems to be “clicking” as my mom calls it. I can’t turn my brain off lately. I haven’t really had dreams either. There’s something deep rooted into my being and I’m not sure what it is. I know I miss my dad to the max right now as his birthday inches closer and as I feel lonelier. It’s so surreal that his birthday is 2 weeks before my own so it can be hard to celebrate. I’m not saying that I haven’t enjoyed myself for my day I just go through my grieving process every year. I just imagine what he would say to me if he was still around. If he would be proud of me for what I’ve accomplished in my life. I also wonder if he would accept my transition. I’ve had this conversation with myself a lot lately. I look in the mirror and I can see him everyday. It’s so hard not to just break down into tears when I think about him because it doesn’t get any easier. I haven’t cried this year as of yet but I can feel it coming. The pain never really leaves at least in my case. My father had HIV/AIDS for the duration of my childhood. My parents had always been honest with me about his status and I appreciate that so much. It is one of the things that has saved my life when it comes to my own life of intimacy because I’m extra paranoid about who I get into the bed with. On my summer days I would go with him to his doctors appointments to be there for him and to learn. I also became affliated with the AIDS Center of Queens County or ACQC to brush up on my knowledge of the disease. We did a lot of peer education and outreach to educate others. I would watch him take so many pills everyday on top of his Ensure diet to try and keep his weight. It got to the point where he couldn’t walk without the use of a walker. I watched the disease slowly take my father away from me. This was heart breaking as my dad was one of the most active people I knew growing up. He took me to many different places. I remember our trip to the Statue of Liberty where we walked up all the steps to the Crown. He also took my mom and I to Disney World/Universal Studios where I had the time of my life. He could be such a big kid at times lol. He was a damn good father even though he had his human flaws. I’ll never forget the day he passed.
It was May 2006 and I was a high school senior riding the wave. My grades were average at best because I felt the need at that time to coast. My mom went with him to the doctor while I went to school. My dad was about to be admitted to the hospital for some reason but he refused to stay. He used to hate staying in hospitals so when they tried to admit him I believe he signed himself out. My mom bought him home where he went to sleep pretty peacefully. He woke up in pain in the nighttime hours as he couldn’t void without the use of a catheter for some reason. I recall taking a cab to the hospital where I saw them stabilize him and saw the smile come across his face. My mom and I stayed with him till the sun came up on May 4th. That night we talked about many things including how much he appreciated us being there for him. My so called half siblings never did a thing to help him out when things went downhill. I remember turning around and looking at him before leaving him that day. That was the last time I saw him alive. I had a final that day in English class which I was excused from with a phone call to the school by my mom. I came home and went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later to my house phone ringing off the hook. I assumed it to be bill collectors so I didn’t answer the phone. I heard my mom scream out when she eventually answered the phone. I went upstairs to hear “He’s gone… Dad’s gone”. I still remember that feeling that went over me after hearing those words. I was in disbelief and didn’t cry until well after his death. I called my then girlfriend at the time to come after the test so we could talk about his passing in person. I know she took it rough. She was very close to my father. We then went up to the hospital to see him. I didn’t know how to feel. I sat there and rubbed his head for a bit and held his hand. He was so cold. He was known to be such a joker so I felt he would just pop up with “April Fools” just to play with our emotions but he didnt. He was gone and I would have to move forward in my life without him. So far I feel I have coped very well with his untimely passing but then again I haven’t.
I never felt I could compare to him with all of the things that he knew and did in his short life. He owned a bar and was an Electrical Engineer by the time he was 30. Me on the other hand, I’ve been struggling to find some sort of stability in my life and I’m only a few short years from this milestone. It makes me feel little sometimes. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but I feel it keeps me motivated to do better. I’ve been reading a lot of real estate blogs and watched a webinar on how to invest while working full time. I hope to use some of these tips to give me financial freedom. I know it won’t happen overnight but I will be successful. My dream is to name a building in his honor and to donate money to HIV/AIDS research so no one else has to lose their loved one to this disease. That would hopefully put my heart and soul at peace.
I Love You Dad Forever
May you Rest in Peace
October 16, 1953- May 4, 2006
*If you are looking for transition related material click here.
*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.
I havent seen many people talking about Aaliyah’s life today.14 years ago we lost a kind soul. One of the many people say are “gone to soon”. Have we suddenly forgotten the former Princess of R&B?
Growing up this was my very first female crush. I was in love with her music, her ability to stay humble, and physical beauty. When I catch “Romeo Must Die” on television, I always stop to watch it to take in all of the positive energy she radiated during her career. I can’t say I have a favorite album because the 3 she did release to me were all hits out of the park but her self titled album “Aaliyah” to me meant the most. It could be nostalgic value it has to me since it was her last album. You died younger then I am now and for that I am grateful for life.
Sleep in Peace
01/16/79 – 08/25/01
I’ll leave you with one of my favorite songs by her. Have a nice day and thanks for reading.
*If you are looking for transition related material look here.
*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.