Mindset

“You ain’t worthy, you see my love, you don’t deserve it
Can you take it, you can dish it, you can serve it, but when the tables turned on you, I’m wrong
When every man deserves happiness hey, I’m a dog, when you’re the reason that it happened all along
And I try to look past it, oh but its the, its the, its the things you do”

https://youtu.be/c6GAL_RxbfA


Oh I do so many things for you girl and still you wanna act a fool”

Writing will be updated periodically. The song says enough for now.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

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Post Hysto Update Part 2: 1 year Later

Part 1 of the Hysto Series which speaks about the surgery can be found here.

It’s been a year and one month since I had my hysterectomy. My surgery was performed by Dr. Shah at Bronx Lebanon Hospital. I loved her bedside manner and spunky attitude. I’m very blessed to have had these procedures in such a timely matter and I do not take it for granted. Some months after surgery I noticed my urgency to urinate had increased. I use the bathroom all the time now. I make sure to go before I go out and before I leave to come home. Also if I hold my urine to long it gives me A LOT of pain almost like cramping. I know this is directly due to the surgery because this didn’t happen before. I do not regret having the surgery. I feel 1000 percent lighter without those female parts inside of me. Forever gone are the days of breakthrough bleeding or anything that has to do with a period. That relieved quite a bit of my body dysphoria along with the pain I had in my lower abdomen whenever I had an orgasm standing up. I was told that body atrophy had begun to occur causing the pain. Your uterus and ovaries are not made to be exposed to male level testosterone which after a while can cause the breakdown of those organs in some men over time. I have read about guys who have kept those parts and had no issue over a number of years. T doesn’t treat everyone the same so I jump into each part of my transition with a leap of faith. After my hysterectomy I felt more dysphoric about my bottom half. I speak a bit about this in the first part of the my dysphoria series here. I plan on writing more about how I felt after my hysterectomy in another post. I want to continue on with my surgical transition and get a phalloplasty which I talk about here

The procedure that was completed on me was the Total laproscopic Hysterectomy with a Bilateral Salpingo oophorectomy. This means the surgery was completed with the use of a robot to make all my incisions and so forth.My uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes were all removed. I didn’t wish to have children the way I was wired to have them. I thought about saving my eggs about a year on the testosterone and found that it can be a bit risky. I did not want to stop my testosterone to be put on estrogen to stimulate ovulation. I also didn’t have the thousands of dollars I would’ve needed to freeze my dna. If it were meant to be it would’ve happened. My future wife and I will begin our journey into parenthood when it is the right time. I know things will fall into place. Fertility options for transgender men can be found by clicking here. I hope this can help the next man out when it comes to making decisions about the future of having a family. Thanks for reading. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Facebook Addiction

Hi..My name is Suites and I have a Facebook Addiction. Coming to terms with this was very hard. It’s something that I had to sit down and ponder about. When my mind had nothing else to wonder about I would find myself scrolling down my Facebook timeline for minutes on end, feeding my energy into this powerful entity. I regard it as such a thing because of the amount of control it has on people’s daily lives. Life had landed me with a number of future opportunities to work for the city. All of these employment orientations have led me to giving up my social media identities for them to look at before they hire me. The importance this website has on my future is paramount. I do not want to make this a staple of my time on Earth. 

It has been about a week since I deactivated my Facebook account. On the first day, to my surprise I felt very anxious. I would pick up my phone with many thoughts including going back to Facebook and calming my nerves. Ignoring these feeling I went on to do many things including:

  • Worked out more often
  • Read real estate articles
  • Spent more time living outside of the phone screen

 The list goes on with the things I did with my newfound minutes each day. I still do have my Instagram account and post quotes once in a while but it is not something I spend a lot of my time on. I choose not to have a Snap chat or other accounts because these things are a time waster in my opinion. 

I think of the simple times before all of the electronic devices and the Internet. The 90’s into the 2000’s were some of the best years of my life. It just happened to be during the time when the Internet and cell phones were brand new and not very relevant to everyday life. I imagined my timeline during the Super Bowl game and felt very blessed to be able to enjoy the moments of watching the game and not caring about the “likes” on my post. I really don’t give a damn about people’s opinions any longer.

Like any addiction this will take time to get completely off of my mind though. I will not say that I don’t get weak sometimes. I’m human and I make so many damn mistakes but then I wake up the next day a new man with new choices to make. One day I’ll be reveling in the success that I deserve to have. I have to put it out into universe to create for me so I’m claiming everything I want in life to be mine. 

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Riding The Wave

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I’m just listening to my share of soft music today. “95 Like Dat” by Tyga was on repeat like it has been for the last week. It samples from “Hey Lover” by LL Cool another favorite of mine when I’m having a “lightskin” moment. This is when I’m looking to just to lay up with a woman, rub her body down and travel to places we’ve never been with our minds and bodies. Enjoying the tender and soft caress of a real lady. Eye contact and confidence is extremely important while the intensity is rising. Till the sudden crash as we both hold on tight and ride the wave together until it settles. I swear a woman can turn my mind out. Especially the thick ladies nowadays. I can’t explain my love for a woman with a lil’ extra cushion. As long as you classy with it though.

My aura and energy has been so much lighter with my new found conditions. It feels like so much pressure has been relieved. It’s just confusing because I think I know for sure what I want but I’m going to test the waters a bit with this lifestyle. We shall see what life has in store for me.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Baby Making

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I was forced to feel my inadequecy again today as a friend of mine will be an aunt again. She joked “I want my baby” and it set off a series of emotions that I have no control over. Jealously, sadness and other feelings swept through me all at once. I can’t and never will be able to father my own children. It makes me feel guilty sometimes when I have sex. God is a source that I’m not sure I believe in yet but its deeply embedded in my being from birth. The teaching of the Bible itself can be hard to shake. Not only do I not have sex for procreation, I am pulling someone deeper into a bond with me everytime we are intimate with each other. It is also mixed with feelings of envy as she is a cisgender female. She can go into any relationship without explanation and play “her role” in society. One of those roles is to bear children. I on the other hand in a few months will be completely sterile for the rest of my life. I will also be stuck on hormones indefinitely. In order for nasty things not to happen including osteoporosis, I’ll have to inject either testosterone or estrogen into my body because your body needs a hormone present to function properly.

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Anyway I will not be able to get a girl pregnant the good ol’ fashioned way. We will either have to adopt, get foster children or deal with artificial insemination. Neither of the 3 sound fun to me but I have no choice here. This is the only way I will become a father. A girl can say “it’s OK” till her lips fall off but I still feel very inadequate as a man. No penis/sperm to fulfill your dreams of manhood can do that to you. I can the solve the “lack of penis” issue through surgery but this will take time and a lot of patience. You can see what I want from this surgery here. I hope to have some kind of insurance come through with one of these jobs I’m applying for so the procedure can be paid for in full. I would like to have my bottom surgery before I’m 30 so I can enjoy some of my youth the way I would want to without back pain lol.
Sighs the roller coaster never ends…

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Emotional Baggage

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I haven’t been sleeping well. My mind always seems to be “clicking” as my mom calls it. I can’t turn my brain off lately. I haven’t really had dreams either. There’s something deep rooted into my being and I’m not sure what it is. I know I miss my dad to the max right now as his birthday inches closer and as I feel lonelier. It’s so surreal that his birthday is 2 weeks before my own so it can be hard to celebrate. I’m not saying that I haven’t enjoyed myself for my day I just go through my grieving process every year. I just imagine what he would say to me if he was still around. If he would be proud of me for what I’ve accomplished in my life. I also wonder if he would accept my transition. I’ve had this conversation with myself a lot lately. I look in the mirror and I can see him everyday. It’s so hard not to just break down into tears when I think about him because it doesn’t get any easier. I haven’t cried this year as of yet but I can feel it coming. The pain never really leaves at least in my case. My father had HIV/AIDS for the duration of my childhood. My parents had always been honest with me about his status and I appreciate that so much. It is one of the things that has saved my life when it comes to my own life of intimacy because I’m extra paranoid about who I get into the bed with. On my summer days I would go with him to his doctors appointments to be there for him and to learn. I also became affliated with the AIDS Center of Queens County or ACQC to brush up on my knowledge of the disease. We did a lot of peer education and outreach to educate others. I would watch him take so many pills everyday on top of his Ensure diet to try and keep his weight. It got to the point where he couldn’t walk without the use of a walker. I watched the disease slowly take my father away from me. This was heart breaking as my dad was one of the most active people I knew growing up. He took me to many different places. I remember our trip to the Statue of Liberty where we walked up all the steps to the Crown. He also took my mom and I to Disney World/Universal Studios where I had the time of my life. He could be such a big kid at times lol. He was a damn good father even though he had his human flaws. I’ll never forget the day he passed.

It was May 2006 and I was a high school senior riding the wave. My grades were average at best because I felt the need at that time to coast. My mom went with him to the doctor while I went to school. My dad was about to be admitted to the hospital for some reason but he refused to stay. He used to hate staying in hospitals so when they tried to admit him I believe he signed himself out. My mom bought him home where he went to sleep pretty peacefully. He woke up in pain in the nighttime hours as he couldn’t void without the use of a catheter for some reason. I recall taking a cab to the hospital where I saw them stabilize him and saw the smile come across his face. My mom and I stayed with him till the sun came up on May 4th. That night we talked about many things including how much he appreciated us being there for him. My so called half siblings never did a thing to help him out when things went downhill. I remember turning around and looking at him before leaving him that day. That was the last time I saw him alive. I had a final that day in English class which I was excused from with a phone call to the school by my mom. I came home and went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later to my house phone ringing off the hook. I assumed it to be bill collectors so I didn’t answer the phone. I heard my mom scream out when she eventually answered the phone. I went upstairs to hear “He’s gone… Dad’s gone”. I still remember that feeling that went over me after hearing those words. I was in disbelief and didn’t cry until well after his death. I called my then girlfriend at the time to come after the test so we could talk about his passing in person. I know she took it rough. She was very close to my father. We then went up to the hospital to see him. I didn’t know how to feel. I sat there and rubbed his head for a bit and held his hand. He was so cold. He was known to be such a joker so I felt he would just pop up with “April Fools” just to play with our emotions but he didnt. He was gone and I would have to move forward in my life without him. So far I feel I have coped very well with his untimely passing but then again I haven’t.
 
I never felt I could compare to him with all of the things that he knew and did in his short life. He owned a bar and was an Electrical Engineer by the time he was 30. Me on the other hand, I’ve been struggling to find some sort of stability in my life and I’m only a few short years from this milestone. It makes me feel little sometimes. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but I feel it keeps me motivated to do better. I’ve been reading a lot of real estate blogs and watched a webinar on how to invest while working full time. I hope to use some of these tips to give me financial freedom. I know it won’t happen overnight but I will be successful. My dream is to name a building in his honor and to donate money to HIV/AIDS research so no one else has to lose their loved one to this disease. That would hopefully put my heart and soul at peace.

I Love You Dad Forever
May you Rest in Peace
October 16, 1953- May 4, 2006

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Gentleman Swagger

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I would like to call myself a “gentleman in training”. When I see a woman coming towards me I’ll hold the door for her, or let her go first if possible. There are a multitude of different things that I’ll do for the ladies. I do have my moments of being a complete asshole to the general public when I’m in one of my modes though. I’m from NYC and I live in the hood. Many of the women in my community have disrespected themselves by being mean and nasty. I drop the door on them as often as I can lol. Call me an asshole but I’m no one’s stepping stool. As I come into my own as a man in this world I try to keep an open mind even when “thots” come through with their negativity and ghettoness.

I envision wining and dining my boo in a nice 5 star restaurant like The View dressed in a 3 piece suit. I would have my shiny gators on while she is wearing a nice evening dress with her red bottoms on. Pull her chair out to seat her while we dine on great food. I plan to treat my future wife like a princess.

An older ex coworker of mine explained women to me in a way that always stuck in my head. “Women are like flowers. They come in different shapes and sizes. They are delicate and need a tender touch and care”. Words from a true gentleman. This guy is from the “Old School” and many of his words have stuck with me. I’m very blessed to have had positive men around me that have taught me the foundation of being a good man.

This song has been my jam for today and speaks to my personality.
Thanks for reading.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.