Bringing the Blog Up To Speed…

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I was on a roll with this blog before school got so intense. I’ve been spending my time living life instead of dwelling in the digital. Right now, I have been doing well in school. I find myself actually excelling in the “world of academia”. I was very skeptical when I started due to the money I’d have to put out. I decided to head on back to my old CUNY school to keep costs as low as possible. I don’t plan on letting student loan debt become something that cramps my lifestyle by only taking out as much as I need. Next semester when I qualify for more aid, I’m going to save the grants in a bank account so that when I finish my first degree, I can buy my first property. Spending money to increase your future net worth is more then worth it. This all started with life giving me an answer through my long time friend and brother on the phone. I haven’t seen him in years but I know he meant well when he told me to go back to school. I’m so happy and blessed that I listened. I must say it has given me my mojo back. My self-esteem and spirit have grown immensely in the last couple of months. I feel strong and I’m learning my worth. I refuse to settle for subpar relationships and quality of life. I had a female contact me today feeling some type of way after being deleted a while back. I’m not looking for any more random friends on my page nor am I looking to waste my time. We messaged back and forth maybe twice before I didn’t get a response for days. I don’t chase after women like they are objects so that didn’t phase me. I used to get my confidence from outside of my being and I see that was the problem in itself. I have to love myself to get the authentic passion that I deserve. Rejection or failure in those things have taught me lessons that I should’ve learned but I’m starting to get now. Being a man is more then just the physical aspects. It’s an all around lifestyle being able to provide and lead for myself and my family on a daily basis. I’m very traditional when it comes to gender roles so I need a wife whose not afraid to be submissive but has a backbone not to put up with my bs. She has to be willing to mother and nurture my children while I work at least until they are of pre-school age. Then I could feel more at ease with letting them into the watchful eyes of a stranger.

I passed both the court officer and BTO exams while in the process for applying for more city tests. I’m very tempted to take the NYPD exam when they start to offer it again. I was explaining to a friend that I feel like I’d be going against some sort of inner code by taking that oath. It’s internalized oppression affecting my thoughts even though I know better than that. It’s a great stable job with benefits that I could use as a stepping stone to get to the next level in my life. It will all just require patience and chess like decision-making on my part. I need be able to fit my bottom surgery into all of this as well. I know that I wont be content until I can wake up and feel physically completely whole. I work everyday until I can revel in that feeling.

I do have my hysto pre-surgical appointment coming up so this is a step forward for my transition. This is something I’m going to have to do to be able to have the bottom surgical procedure that I want. You can read all about that here. Life has been giving me so much positive energy I’m guessing to balance out the extreme lows I’ve felt and right now I am content. I haven’t reached the plateau just yet but I will keep trying until I make it.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas Edison

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Dysphoria

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I had to take a break from all that homework. Geez I forgot the workload associated with full time college work. Last semester I was working while going part time till I was laid off. That was the ultimate game changer right there. I decided to myself that I have to work towards being my own boss. In between all of this I am looking for any means to getting my bottom surgery done. I NEED IT NOW! I think about it every day no lie. Its hard for most people I know to fully understand because well it’s not an everyday issue for the “average person”. When I go to the bathroom I’m comfortable with my presentation. It’s the thoughts of “what if I leak today or drop the packer?” That always seem to cross my mind. Intimacy is a story in itself. I want to feel a woman. I have been talking to my cisgender male friends about stuff I should look forward to and I’m looking to dive right in something. I hope to be in a relationship by the time I have my bottom surgery so I can just jump in full speed ahead. I am already set in going to Dr. Crane in California. He is opening up a new spot in Dallas as well so I’ll fly there if need be. I know I need insurance to go see him as the procedure can go well over $100,000 for all of the stages plus the erectile device. My original post about my expectations of this surgery can be found here. I plan on using an AMS Spectra because I’ll be able to pump up when needed and deflate during business hours. That would help my mental state immensely. I’ve read in places that the pump was for older guys and thought that was so until I went to the Philly Conference. The men who have the pump say its great for rigorous action and can last a long time. If anything, I could switch out and get a mallable rod later if I wear out the device too fast. With the rod it can be hard to tame your bits as you will always be semi hard. I know having the rod is not an issue for me because I know how to pack but this is not my preference at this time.

I know there will always be internal issues for me because of “limitations” I’ll have even after surgery. It’s how you deal with the cards you have been dealt but it can be downright depressing sometimes. I want to get a girl pregnant. I’ve really been wanting kids lately. This may be that “biological clock” going off in my head and it’s hard to ignore. I want my little mini me already! I’m mentally ready but not financially. I can’t procreate but I can discipline. I’m looking to pursue adoption if I’m not in a relationship after surgery. I know that’s extremely hard to do being single but its possible so I will try. I know I’ll be a great father if not a good husband to a woman out there whose willing to accept all my baggage. I’m emotional at times and I like attention. I’ve been heartbroken and it’s hard for me to trust. I go through my moments of weakness and would like it if I had a partner who could pick up the pieces. My highs and lows fluctuate with these hormones at times. She needs to be my biggest cheerleader when I don’t believe in myself. I consider myself to be a strong black male and I’m content with being solo but I’m human. I get weak sometimes. Sighs I’m off to go do some retail therapy. I’m sure that will help bring my self esteem up.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Extension de pénis: Freetom Prosthetic Review

About 7 months ago, I invested in the Rogue 4 in 1 Freetom Prosthetic which you can look at on the website here. I ordered the dark brown color. It is meant for use in intercourse, packing, pleasing the wearer, and to stand to pee or as a stp device. My toy has the length and girth of 5.5 inches around. I’ll get into each feature detailing my experience with the device. These products can be pricey so if your balling on a budget I would look elsewhere. I paid 189.99 for this toy.

Packing
This is the first and last packer that I will ever need to buy. On a regular day, I will just wear it without a harness and it does me justice. There have been times it moved around but my underwear were to blame for that. I now use Champion Performance boxer briefs which you can see here. I tend to buy them from Modell’s because of the 2 for 20 sale they typically have with these. I buy the cotton and polyester fabric. When doing heavy activity, I go with the polyester. It wicks away the sweat to keep you nice and dry. I went down a size smaller in underwear to keep him snug and to prevent heat rash and discomfort. I tried to use this product with a harness once (not included) as a courier. It’s made for use without one but you can use one, its your choice. That was a bad decision for me. The harness irritated the hell out of me. I sweat a lot and got bad “rug burn” around my hips from the rubbing of the nylon. I never used it with a harness again. I would suggest a better material if you insist on using one. These products are made big (at least to me) and are not made for guys who wear tighter pants. It can create a huge bulge in your pants. The smaller the better in this case if looking for just a packer to buy. It comes with a pleasure rod that is removable. I prefer to use it without the rod when not in play. The rod makes it harder to move in certain directions.

Sex
In this section I will include both reviews of sex for the giver and the receiver. In terms of sexual intercourse (coming from a female who is cisgendered whose had sex with cisgendered men) she thought it was a bit hard. She enjoyed the width more then anything. I used it with a condom to prevent irritation of her vagina and protect the toy. If your significant other likes deep penetration 5 inches will not be enough. It would fall out of her in certain positions but it was stiff enough without the use of the rod for play if desired. I also used an O ring harness with the toy. When it comes to the pleasure glide, I felt absolutely nothing. I thought it had to do with the position of my junk. I have had significant growth on t down there but I’m hanging low. Even when positioned correctly, I didn’t feel anything so it’s a waste of time for me. I invested this money primarily for the sexual functions and I was let down with this size.

Stp
You have to find your rhythm with this toy. It’s pretty easy to use in my opinion. The only issue I had was with back flow. You have to take your time while going. Once you master use of this it’s golden. It is definitely worth its money in this aspect. I’ve had no problems here.

Overall it is a good product. I would go bigger if I decide to invest in them again to fulfill mine and my partner’s needs. I would use my smaller one to pack because it’s the perfect size for me.

I don’t want to buy anymore toys. I look forward to when bottom surgery becomes possible for me. If I could get it tomorrow I would. I just want to feel whole. You can look at my other blog here to read about what I want from this surgery. Thanks for reading.

Here are some pics of it below. I’ll take more as I get the time.

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*If you are looking for transition related material look here. Thanks for reading.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Blah Blah Blah…

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I haven’t blogged in the past couple of days due to low energy. I have also learned not to drink my problems away. I was in the bar for a friend’s birthday and I ended up soaking myself with water in the bathroom sink. I was so messed up from all the liquor that was coming around the room started to spin. I must admit this is the first time I have went out with old friends after starting to transition. I feel people from my past adapting to my changes regardless or not if I have spoken to them about it. I was completely comfortable with my self when people looked at me and I can now just live my life. Even though I “pass”  I am still very self conscious in the men’s room  because I’m afraid of my packer falling out of my pants. I have the Freetom 5 1/2 inch 4 in 1 packer which you can look at here. I will write a separate post or review rather on the product itself later on when I get the time. Thanks for reading.

*Update: You can find the Freetom Prosthetic Personal Review here

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*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

What I Need From Bottom Surgery…

I actually sat and wrote a list of what I do and do not want from bottom surgery along with what is negotiable. This can vary based on the surgeon, the procedure they do, the location, cost, and time I have available for the surgery. I’m really open minded with the price because I will save whatever possible to get what I want. to be able to look down at my genitals and be very happy with what I see will bring me so much comfort. I want to also fill my gf up in a way no other guy has (well at least I will try!). Anyway I’m going to sum up the things that I NEED out of bottom surgery.

I need to be able to penetrate the pussy so to speak lol. I want to be able to enter my gf. I need to be able to FEEL the inside of the pussy when I am entering it. I feel like I might as well stick to my strap on if I am not going to be able to the have sensation capability. I need girth because the thickness of it matters. I don’t want a real skinny penis. I need at least 5 to 6 inches when I” finish” with fine tuning my penis. I plan on pumping to help with making my penis strong because it is a muscle. The final thing I need is erection capability. When I am out and I wanna have a little quickie on the go if that ever happens I want to be able to “be prepared at any time” if you get my drift.

What I feel is negotiable is the ability to stand to pee. Due to the high complication rate of lengthening the urethra,l I really don’t want to mess up anything that has to do with my bladder lol. I also do not need testicular implants. I have the option on what I want my body to look like and big balls really do not appeal to me. Just balls in general i’m not so sure about. The option of also getting just a clitoral release is on my mind as well. I will most likely have to pump away if I go down this road but it’s not to far fetched for me. To leave the clitoris sticking out and the end of the penis if I get a phallo is also an option. Glansplasty is just extra but If im not satisfied with the uncircumsized look I will do what I have to do and get this procedure done.

Now what is absolutely unacceptable is skin grafts from my forearm or abs. I do not want to go down that road of possibly having bad scars on my forearm or my abs. It is just something I am not going to budge on. I am pretty sure there will be more things I will not even think twice about but until then I am pretty sure what I want.

Metoidioplasty or MLD Phallo are the options I am looking into at the moment and combined they would fit my needs perfectly but this wouldn’t be Planet Earth if things were perfect for us all. I will keep thinking this over until I am actually on an operating table getting the surgery. I am not getting bottom surgery for a while so most likely new techniques and such will come out by the time I get it so all this info may be invalid and change but oh well it is what it is.