Riddle Me This…

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Riddler question mark

I finally got to spend time with my boo. As I have mentioned before I am in a long distance relationship. We see each other every 4 to 6 weeks give or take. It’s good and bad to this type of relationship but so far it has been worth it.

In terms of my transition I am feeling really reckless. I want to get my bottom surgery done. Very, very bad. Everytime intimacy comes into the picture I think of it. I can see it all in my head but it’s not showing in reality. I am starting to yearn for it and have been thinking of switching my plans up just to get it done. I just don’t want to get comfortable  working for some one and get trapped in a non career position. I am not saying I am to good for it. I’ve done it all. Custodial, courier, electrical work just to name a few. I have done my fair share of hard work in the world but I feel I deserve better. You can call it millennial entitlement at it’s best. I think about what it would be like to own a company and take my future wife to Turks and Caicos.

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Turks and Caicos

Bora Bora is also another spot I would live to visit.

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Bora Bora

I love these huts on the water and it’s a dream to go here and ball out. I have always seen these places and know that I belong there. I will get my serenity and peace as I keep the dream alive.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Gender Corrective Surgery: My Thoughts, Feelings and Everything Else

Lately I have been reading material that usually put a negative tone on genital surgery for men of transgender experience. I thought that surgery would leave me with an “insensate, floppy sausage” when I first started to research transgender material. As I grew wiser, I knew that the life that I have always seen for myself is possible. There are two procedures I am aware of that are available to transgender males along with variations to the procedures. The first procedure I learned about in 2011 was the metoidioplasty. My penis would be sculpted with the phallus that I have grown with the help of testosterone. The first two blogs I ever read contained information regarding it as they had the procedure done and dealt personally with Dr. Miro. The links to those websites can be found here and here. There were other doctors I found but what was consistent with him was his bedside manner and staff. I have heard nothing but good things about the way they try to accommodate you when you come in from other countries. Also he has done many of these procedures and I just felt comfortable with the idea of the surgery. It was the less invasive option and took less healing time. I was pretty keen on this for awhile as I learned I could get rid of the bits I have right now. With the exception I would most likely end up with no bulge in my pants and not be able to have penetrative sex without the use of certain positions and attachments. I have went back and forth with the idea of getting this procedure or not just to relieve some of the dysphoria that I have but that would mean more healing, time and money then I want to have to spend. So I began to look for other options and found out about phalloplasty.

Phalloplasty for men of transgender experience consists of taking tissue from your body to form a neophallus. You could use a variety of places including the RF(radial forearm), ALT(anterior lateral thigh), MLD(musculocutaneous latissimus dorsi) and a multitude of other flaps. These are the main ones that I have researched and looked into. When I found this procedure I knew, I could finally be able to have the body I always wanted. For myself I prefer to get the ALT procedure based on my wants and needs from the surgery. I have always been told to make a list and think about what you cannot live without. My wants and needs are as follows:

Wants/Needs

SENSATION!

Size

Penetrative Ability

Peeing standing up

Glans Sculpting

Balls

Hidden donor sight scar

My wants and needs are the same. I couldn’t budge when I thought “what can I live without?”.  Sensation is very important to me and I was told the RF procedure is the “gold standard” when is comes to functionality but the ALT is my top choice. This is due to the flap coming from the thigh area which I cover anyway. I do not plan on ever wearing a speedo so no one on the street would ever see it. This lead to me doing more research on surgeons and I found out about Dr.Crane. I found he had done his fellowship with Dr. Miro and other surgeons who could give me what I need. He does all of these procedures and more. I was instantly drawn to him and have seen his results. I believe they are phenomenal and I look forward to being able to go to him soon. I am in school at the moment but have taken city exams to find employment that will cover the procedure in full.  I met him at the Philly Conference and told him I look forward to working with him. He looked forward to working with me to attain my goals.

I can only imagine life after the procedure. I hopefully will be in a place of peace at least when it comes to my identity as a person. One thing that I have been told is that “life won’t give you more then you can handle”. These are the type of things I think daily to get me through my day. I hope this can help someone else.

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*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

New Inspiration…

I went to the doctor’s office with my wifey for the second time. While sitting and waiting for two hours to be seen we were watching Judge Alex and Judge Joe Brown. I was seeing the cases that we were watching and wifey and I have come to the conclusion that people have no reason to go on these shows but to just spread their business to the world. Why would you want to publicly embarrass yourself on national television? The cases that were televised were nothing short of embarrassing to parties on the show.

Anyway the blood test I took in December came back negative for anything. I am still having my period so I was able to have my dose increased from .25 to .5 finally!!! I have also for the moment quit smoking weed and have tried to limit the amount of second hand smoke that I am around to let my lungs finally get some fresh air. I am feeling more and more proud of myself by the day as I make changes to myself to benefit me in the future. I want to be able to pursue my top surgery in the summer and I feel I will heal better being smoke free. I also had my knee checked out as it popped out of place a couple weeks back (Long story!!!). It is also fine which I am happy about so I wont be held back from unit 9 any longer. I am waiting though for my testosterone to get here. My clinic has a connection to Stroheckers Pharmacy in Oregon where it is 60.00 for a 10ml vial. Shipping is included in that price. My damn debit card is acting like a fool but I think it must have worked since they did not call me back. Anyway while at the clinic I spoke with Cris from CK Life and heard some great news for the future. I have also some more great news for myself. As I join my moms insurance next month through her insurance I will be able to have my top and bottom surgery covered!!! I am so excited to the fact that I may not pay a dime for these surgeries. I plan on having my top surgery this year during my vacation but we shall see what happens.If I do not hit my target weight by then I might extend my time to a little later in the year. Maybe the winter break will suffice. We shall see where life takes me.

I need some where to vent I feel like crying my eyes out as something fell on my wifeys eye and even though I am breathing a huge sigh of relief I feel responsible for this happening and I am just thanking the universe for sparing her eyesight. I cherish this girl and I hope to one day take the next step with her. I love her and I will not take her for granted. Well I am off to live my life and hug and kiss my wifey all day long.

TJ

Subconscious

I am freaked out, turned on, and curious at the same time. Well this morning I woke up to feeling up my girlfriend. I did not realize what was happening till I fully woke up to basically having dry sex with her. I could have sworn I was dreaming and that is what kinda creeps me out as I have no recollection to what I dreamed about. I heard moaning and encouragement while I was still half asleep to continue to touch her. She also recalls dreaming about sex as well at the same time and I guess I was in a dreamlike state and drawn to her as she was sending me subconscious signals and we had soul sex. I mean I dont know I am just rambling on but I need to get this out my system. I know for a fact that my girlfriend in my eyes is very sexy and I get turned on by no one else but her. She has the ability to get my dick hard by just giving me the eye and I enjoy it. She does have some control of me and my very high libido but not total. I love her and this is why I guess its okay. I am indeed craving some real intimacy but I guess that will happen in time.Anyway in terms of my transition I have seen a little growth in my penis. I know I will see more results when I finally get my pump. I have a feeling im going to have a nice sized penis in time. I am in no rush to create perfection for myself.I am looking to get my surgery done by Dr. Miro either way if I get a meta or an mld phallo since he does both of these procedures. I will go to miro if I can save some money to go because im not sure if he is covered by insurance seeing as he is not an American surgeon. I hope to be leaving for school soon so I can go on with my life and my transition.

I am becoming a hairy wolf as well. My gf tells me about my hairy back all the time. It has started to get to me a bit because I didnt want to be to hairy but im taking it as it comes. Another thing I wanted to point out was my change in orgasm. I have felt like I was floating off the ground as my orgasm was very intense and much stronger then before especially if I have one in the first few days of my shot. I hope to be able to keep this capability after I get my surgery. My decision has changed a bit as I am thinking about get a meta first just to see how much I can get out of my own penis before I start grafting any skin from my body. Its just an idea to maybe put less stress on my body and to see if I can handle just having that in the beginning. We shall see where life takes me. I am not sure what surgeon I would go to but I will find out soon.

Time warp

So for the past few days I have been smacked like no other. Me Jin and t smoked about 16 brown cigarettes in the past 3 days. Now that probably sounds like I’m going overboard but oh well do not judge me. So as far as changes go I have been getting acne. It has been worse but I believe this is t related as my face has not broken out like this in years but I have been making sure to scrub my face everyday at least twice, wipe my face with alcohol and put some pimple medication on top of the affected areas. Life seems to be good otherwise. No adverse affects from the t so far that I can be happy about. It’s just the beginning so I pray for longevity and health. I don’t plan on bottom surgery for awhile again as I am not satisfied with what is out right now. I hope that soon that they tweak that mld phallo to my liking then maybe I can rock with that because the scars are under your arm where I seem to have enough fat to spare. I want a nice thick penis. I have been thinking about 6 to 7inches but that may be to big. It’s not really the size that makes the man I want to believe but for me all that surgery won’t be worth it if I am not able to penetrate and have sex with a woman the way I want and that is through vaginal intercourse. I want to also cum inside a woman. That is probably sick to some but I would like to creampie my wifey. Things like that men take for granted. I wish I could do it to a female. It would cost me around 100,000 to get what I want and need for bottom surgery. Minus the ejacualtion from a penis. This technology does not exist at the moment. My dream would be a penis grown from my DNA. That could cost a million dollars in the future but I would pay whatever to get one of my own. Well off to watch the bad girls club. That’s my ish.

Cant Stop Thinking!

I did not even start to transition yet but I have been thinking about having a penis nonstop. Whenever my girlfriend and I get down I think of how it would feel like one day to just be able to whip it out and do the do. My girlfriend tells me that anysize would be fine to her as long as its my penis but I NEED to have AT LEAST 5 to 6 inches in order for me to be satisfied.

If I am to ever go into the dating world again I want to have a very passable penis. Now I am not going to be trying to deceive anyone with what I got but I will only disclose if I have to. I would like to be just like any other guy. Being trans could be a complication in a relationship because of the lack of kids but a one night stand for instance, why even bother to tell? As long as I get an MLD phallo I should be fine. But how long do you have to wait till you have sex? I also wonder how long it would also take for the sensation to come back? Hmm if I find out I will let you guys know. Thanks for visiting my blog.

What I Need From Bottom Surgery…

I actually sat and wrote a list of what I do and do not want from bottom surgery along with what is negotiable. This can vary based on the surgeon, the procedure they do, the location, cost, and time I have available for the surgery. I’m really open minded with the price because I will save whatever possible to get what I want. to be able to look down at my genitals and be very happy with what I see will bring me so much comfort. I want to also fill my gf up in a way no other guy has (well at least I will try!). Anyway I’m going to sum up the things that I NEED out of bottom surgery.

I need to be able to penetrate the pussy so to speak lol. I want to be able to enter my gf. I need to be able to FEEL the inside of the pussy when I am entering it. I feel like I might as well stick to my strap on if I am not going to be able to the have sensation capability. I need girth because the thickness of it matters. I don’t want a real skinny penis. I need at least 5 to 6 inches when I” finish” with fine tuning my penis. I plan on pumping to help with making my penis strong because it is a muscle. The final thing I need is erection capability. When I am out and I wanna have a little quickie on the go if that ever happens I want to be able to “be prepared at any time” if you get my drift.

What I feel is negotiable is the ability to stand to pee. Due to the high complication rate of lengthening the urethra,l I really don’t want to mess up anything that has to do with my bladder lol. I also do not need testicular implants. I have the option on what I want my body to look like and big balls really do not appeal to me. Just balls in general i’m not so sure about. The option of also getting just a clitoral release is on my mind as well. I will most likely have to pump away if I go down this road but it’s not to far fetched for me. To leave the clitoris sticking out and the end of the penis if I get a phallo is also an option. Glansplasty is just extra but If im not satisfied with the uncircumsized look I will do what I have to do and get this procedure done.

Now what is absolutely unacceptable is skin grafts from my forearm or abs. I do not want to go down that road of possibly having bad scars on my forearm or my abs. It is just something I am not going to budge on. I am pretty sure there will be more things I will not even think twice about but until then I am pretty sure what I want.

Metoidioplasty or MLD Phallo are the options I am looking into at the moment and combined they would fit my needs perfectly but this wouldn’t be Planet Earth if things were perfect for us all. I will keep thinking this over until I am actually on an operating table getting the surgery. I am not getting bottom surgery for a while so most likely new techniques and such will come out by the time I get it so all this info may be invalid and change but oh well it is what it is.