Bringing the Blog Up To Speed…

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I was on a roll with this blog before school got so intense. I’ve been spending my time living life instead of dwelling in the digital. Right now, I have been doing well in school. I find myself actually excelling in the “world of academia”. I was very skeptical when I started due to the money I’d have to put out. I decided to head on back to my old CUNY school to keep costs as low as possible. I don’t plan on letting student loan debt become something that cramps my lifestyle by only taking out as much as I need. Next semester when I qualify for more aid, I’m going to save the grants in a bank account so that when I finish my first degree, I can buy my first property. Spending money to increase your future net worth is more then worth it. This all started with life giving me an answer through my long time friend and brother on the phone. I haven’t seen him in years but I know he meant well when he told me to go back to school. I’m so happy and blessed that I listened. I must say it has given me my mojo back. My self-esteem and spirit have grown immensely in the last couple of months. I feel strong and I’m learning my worth. I refuse to settle for subpar relationships and quality of life. I had a female contact me today feeling some type of way after being deleted a while back. I’m not looking for any more random friends on my page nor am I looking to waste my time. We messaged back and forth maybe twice before I didn’t get a response for days. I don’t chase after women like they are objects so that didn’t phase me. I used to get my confidence from outside of my being and I see that was the problem in itself. I have to love myself to get the authentic passion that I deserve. Rejection or failure in those things have taught me lessons that I should’ve learned but I’m starting to get now. Being a man is more then just the physical aspects. It’s an all around lifestyle being able to provide and lead for myself and my family on a daily basis. I’m very traditional when it comes to gender roles so I need a wife whose not afraid to be submissive but has a backbone not to put up with my bs. She has to be willing to mother and nurture my children while I work at least until they are of pre-school age. Then I could feel more at ease with letting them into the watchful eyes of a stranger.

I passed both the court officer and BTO exams while in the process for applying for more city tests. I’m very tempted to take the NYPD exam when they start to offer it again. I was explaining to a friend that I feel like I’d be going against some sort of inner code by taking that oath. It’s internalized oppression affecting my thoughts even though I know better than that. It’s a great stable job with benefits that I could use as a stepping stone to get to the next level in my life. It will all just require patience and chess like decision-making on my part. I need be able to fit my bottom surgery into all of this as well. I know that I wont be content until I can wake up and feel physically completely whole. I work everyday until I can revel in that feeling.

I do have my hysto pre-surgical appointment coming up so this is a step forward for my transition. This is something I’m going to have to do to be able to have the bottom surgical procedure that I want. You can read all about that here. Life has been giving me so much positive energy I’m guessing to balance out the extreme lows I’ve felt and right now I am content. I haven’t reached the plateau just yet but I will keep trying until I make it.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas Edison

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Dysphoria

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I had to take a break from all that homework. Geez I forgot the workload associated with full time college work. Last semester I was working while going part time till I was laid off. That was the ultimate game changer right there. I decided to myself that I have to work towards being my own boss. In between all of this I am looking for any means to getting my bottom surgery done. I NEED IT NOW! I think about it every day no lie. Its hard for most people I know to fully understand because well it’s not an everyday issue for the “average person”. When I go to the bathroom I’m comfortable with my presentation. It’s the thoughts of “what if I leak today or drop the packer?” That always seem to cross my mind. Intimacy is a story in itself. I want to feel a woman. I have been talking to my cisgender male friends about stuff I should look forward to and I’m looking to dive right in something. I hope to be in a relationship by the time I have my bottom surgery so I can just jump in full speed ahead. I am already set in going to Dr. Crane in California. He is opening up a new spot in Dallas as well so I’ll fly there if need be. I know I need insurance to go see him as the procedure can go well over $100,000 for all of the stages plus the erectile device. My original post about my expectations of this surgery can be found here. I plan on using an AMS Spectra because I’ll be able to pump up when needed and deflate during business hours. That would help my mental state immensely. I’ve read in places that the pump was for older guys and thought that was so until I went to the Philly Conference. The men who have the pump say its great for rigorous action and can last a long time. If anything, I could switch out and get a mallable rod later if I wear out the device too fast. With the rod it can be hard to tame your bits as you will always be semi hard. I know having the rod is not an issue for me because I know how to pack but this is not my preference at this time.

I know there will always be internal issues for me because of “limitations” I’ll have even after surgery. It’s how you deal with the cards you have been dealt but it can be downright depressing sometimes. I want to get a girl pregnant. I’ve really been wanting kids lately. This may be that “biological clock” going off in my head and it’s hard to ignore. I want my little mini me already! I’m mentally ready but not financially. I can’t procreate but I can discipline. I’m looking to pursue adoption if I’m not in a relationship after surgery. I know that’s extremely hard to do being single but its possible so I will try. I know I’ll be a great father if not a good husband to a woman out there whose willing to accept all my baggage. I’m emotional at times and I like attention. I’ve been heartbroken and it’s hard for me to trust. I go through my moments of weakness and would like it if I had a partner who could pick up the pieces. My highs and lows fluctuate with these hormones at times. She needs to be my biggest cheerleader when I don’t believe in myself. I consider myself to be a strong black male and I’m content with being solo but I’m human. I get weak sometimes. Sighs I’m off to go do some retail therapy. I’m sure that will help bring my self esteem up.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Getting “A head” of the Game: Glansplasty Clarity

I was looking at my insight and saw a search referrer. Someone looked up “What is a glansplasty?”. I realized that I did not explain this in my post here concerning my needs for bottom surgery. This procedure basically covers the head of the penis and to me can make a big difference in the way the penis will be read to the outside world. I want to pull my pants down and see the vision that I imagine in my head. More textbook info on the procedure can be found on this website here. It has been a resource for things in my transition among other things. Hope this can answer someones question.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Riddle Me This…

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Riddler question mark

I finally got to spend time with my boo. As I have mentioned before I am in a long distance relationship. We see each other every 4 to 6 weeks give or take. It’s good and bad to this type of relationship but so far it has been worth it.

In terms of my transition I am feeling really reckless. I want to get my bottom surgery done. Very, very bad. Everytime intimacy comes into the picture I think of it. I can see it all in my head but it’s not showing in reality. I am starting to yearn for it and have been thinking of switching my plans up just to get it done. I just don’t want to get comfortable  working for some one and get trapped in a non career position. I am not saying I am to good for it. I’ve done it all. Custodial, courier, electrical work just to name a few. I have done my fair share of hard work in the world but I feel I deserve better. You can call it millennial entitlement at it’s best. I think about what it would be like to own a company and take my future wife to Turks and Caicos.

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Turks and Caicos

Bora Bora is also another spot I would live to visit.

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Bora Bora

I love these huts on the water and it’s a dream to go here and ball out. I have always seen these places and know that I belong there. I will get my serenity and peace as I keep the dream alive.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Gender Corrective Surgery: My Thoughts, Feelings and Everything Else

Lately I have been reading material that usually put a negative tone on genital surgery for men of transgender experience. I thought that surgery would leave me with an “insensate, floppy sausage” when I first started to research transgender material. As I grew wiser, I knew that the life that I have always seen for myself is possible. There are two procedures I am aware of that are available to transgender males along with variations to the procedures. The first procedure I learned about in 2011 was the metoidioplasty. My penis would be sculpted with the phallus that I have grown with the help of testosterone. The first two blogs I ever read contained information regarding it as they had the procedure done and dealt personally with Dr. Miro. The links to those websites can be found here and here. There were other doctors I found but what was consistent with him was his bedside manner and staff. I have heard nothing but good things about the way they try to accommodate you when you come in from other countries. Also he has done many of these procedures and I just felt comfortable with the idea of the surgery. It was the less invasive option and took less healing time. I was pretty keen on this for awhile as I learned I could get rid of the bits I have right now. With the exception I would most likely end up with no bulge in my pants and not be able to have penetrative sex without the use of certain positions and attachments. I have went back and forth with the idea of getting this procedure or not just to relieve some of the dysphoria that I have but that would mean more healing, time and money then I want to have to spend. So I began to look for other options and found out about phalloplasty.

Phalloplasty for men of transgender experience consists of taking tissue from your body to form a neophallus. You could use a variety of places including the RF(radial forearm), ALT(anterior lateral thigh), MLD(musculocutaneous latissimus dorsi) and a multitude of other flaps. These are the main ones that I have researched and looked into. When I found this procedure I knew, I could finally be able to have the body I always wanted. For myself I prefer to get the ALT procedure based on my wants and needs from the surgery. I have always been told to make a list and think about what you cannot live without. My wants and needs are as follows:

Wants/Needs

SENSATION!

Size

Penetrative Ability

Peeing standing up

Glans Sculpting

Balls

Hidden donor sight scar

My wants and needs are the same. I couldn’t budge when I thought “what can I live without?”.  Sensation is very important to me and I was told the RF procedure is the “gold standard” when is comes to functionality but the ALT is my top choice. This is due to the flap coming from the thigh area which I cover anyway. I do not plan on ever wearing a speedo so no one on the street would ever see it. This lead to me doing more research on surgeons and I found out about Dr.Crane. I found he had done his fellowship with Dr. Miro and other surgeons who could give me what I need. He does all of these procedures and more. I was instantly drawn to him and have seen his results. I believe they are phenomenal and I look forward to being able to go to him soon. I am in school at the moment but have taken city exams to find employment that will cover the procedure in full.  I met him at the Philly Conference and told him I look forward to working with him. He looked forward to working with me to attain my goals.

I can only imagine life after the procedure. I hopefully will be in a place of peace at least when it comes to my identity as a person. One thing that I have been told is that “life won’t give you more then you can handle”. These are the type of things I think daily to get me through my day. I hope this can help someone else.

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*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

What I Need From Bottom Surgery…

I actually sat and wrote a list of what I do and do not want from bottom surgery along with what is negotiable. This can vary based on the surgeon, the procedure they do, the location, cost, and time I have available for the surgery. I’m really open minded with the price because I will save whatever possible to get what I want. to be able to look down at my genitals and be very happy with what I see will bring me so much comfort. I want to also fill my gf up in a way no other guy has (well at least I will try!). Anyway I’m going to sum up the things that I NEED out of bottom surgery.

I need to be able to penetrate the pussy so to speak lol. I want to be able to enter my gf. I need to be able to FEEL the inside of the pussy when I am entering it. I feel like I might as well stick to my strap on if I am not going to be able to the have sensation capability. I need girth because the thickness of it matters. I don’t want a real skinny penis. I need at least 5 to 6 inches when I” finish” with fine tuning my penis. I plan on pumping to help with making my penis strong because it is a muscle. The final thing I need is erection capability. When I am out and I wanna have a little quickie on the go if that ever happens I want to be able to “be prepared at any time” if you get my drift.

What I feel is negotiable is the ability to stand to pee. Due to the high complication rate of lengthening the urethra,l I really don’t want to mess up anything that has to do with my bladder lol. I also do not need testicular implants. I have the option on what I want my body to look like and big balls really do not appeal to me. Just balls in general i’m not so sure about. The option of also getting just a clitoral release is on my mind as well. I will most likely have to pump away if I go down this road but it’s not to far fetched for me. To leave the clitoris sticking out and the end of the penis if I get a phallo is also an option. Glansplasty is just extra but If im not satisfied with the uncircumsized look I will do what I have to do and get this procedure done.

Now what is absolutely unacceptable is skin grafts from my forearm or abs. I do not want to go down that road of possibly having bad scars on my forearm or my abs. It is just something I am not going to budge on. I am pretty sure there will be more things I will not even think twice about but until then I am pretty sure what I want.

Metoidioplasty or MLD Phallo are the options I am looking into at the moment and combined they would fit my needs perfectly but this wouldn’t be Planet Earth if things were perfect for us all. I will keep thinking this over until I am actually on an operating table getting the surgery. I am not getting bottom surgery for a while so most likely new techniques and such will come out by the time I get it so all this info may be invalid and change but oh well it is what it is.