Stepping Stones To My Destiny…

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It has now been 21 days since I’ve had my hysterectomy. So far I have nothing interesting to report. Just taking it easy till my 6 weeks of recovery are over. I’m trying to follow the doctors orders as she drilled the rules into my head a couple days ago. I’m bugging out because everything I do to release stress, I am banned from it. I so look forward to working out again. I miss it so much! That is one thing that kept my mind right and my body tight. Coming from a life of always being overweight, I was just getting to a place where I was content with my body. Then with this surgery and knee issues ive been at a stand still when it comes to my fitness. You can look at my weight loss journey here in a previous entry. I am not able to masterbate, receive oral or have any sex for that matter because of the hidden stiches. They could be popped from internal muscle contractions which could lead to major surgery to repair my insides and more time to heal. I’m horny as hell and ready to get down with my baby. My wife was told “if you think it’s sexy, you can’t do it”. I can tell you that crushed my hopes and dreams of getting off and relieving these hormones.

I see the hysterectomy procedure as a “means to an end”. Getting an ALT phalloplasty is the ultimate goal. Law enforcement may be the way I’ll be taking to get there. I know for a fact if I can get employment going this route, my surgery will get covered in full. I’ll do back flips and cartwheels the day I can wake up, (without pain!) to my completed penis that I can use to urinate outside and penetrate a woman. You can check out the full breakdown of what I want from bottom surgery here. Writing my name in the snow is on my growing bucket list. Along with penetrating a woman…my wife preferably…it doesn’t really matter where I enter her. As long as we are both in the throes of pleasure.

It has been quite the week with everything that is going on. Things seem to be going sour in certain places but I’m trying to stay positive. I took the notary test in my state and I have to wait at least 2 weeks for the results. I’ve also been looking into law school A LOT. I have plenty to say on that topic so it will be a separate post.

I would like to add that I make periodic changes on my blog. If you decide to return in the future, this post and even others may be completely different. Sometimes I get inspiration after I publish and I’m like “oh crap, I should’ve added that”. I do what I do on here. It’s one of the few things I have complete control over. Life on the other hand…that’s another story for a different day. Thanks for reading.

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*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Post Hysto Update

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If you’re looking to just read about my hysterectomy skip a couple paragraphs down “Into the Nitty Gritty”.

I’ve been real lazy with updating this blog as of late. I’ll say to myself “you’ll have time later” while I make time for everything else but writing lol. I haven’t been procrastinating with my work though. I completed my first full time semester in some years with a 3.825 gpa a couple of weeks ago.

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I asked my significant other to marry me and I have no regrets. She said YES! I know we will go far in our relationship due to our mindset to be better. She motivates me to be the best man I can be and I will do right by her. I can’t let US down.

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I had a very bad reaction to either this seafood or my testosterone which I had for about 5-6 months. My eye swelled up really bad like I had a shiner. It has so far went down and the swelling is almost gone. I will take my t again next week after I speak with my doctor. I believe it was this shrimp that I had in my black rice. I had a dream a while back where I broke out into hives after eating some of these sea creatures. I don’t really dabble with seafood and won’t be now for a very long time.

Now Into the Nitty Gritty…

So I arrived at Bronx Lebanon Hospital on January 6th around 6:45 in the morning to check in for the surgery. I had the robotic procedure completed by Dr. Ami J. Shah. The staff pre op was so nice. I was not misgendered at all and I was able to talk to a few members of my surgeons team. The anesthesiologist was a very upbeat funny dude. He told me he was going to take care of me and asked me a multitude of questions about my medical background. I signed my life away to the hospital before I was taken to the OR room. I am no novice to surgery as I had my top surgery done a few years back which you can look at here. I was just extra anxious this time. I didnt want to have to have surgery. I was scared and angry at GOD for putting me through this and not giving me my male body to begin with. I thought about the other surgeries I would have to have to feel whole. I think I had a mini panic attack before I calmed down and gave myself a pep talk. “One day at a time” I kept telling myself till I was off into Lala land with no turning back.

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I woke up a couple hours later in the recovery area. My mom came to visit me some time later to let me know I had no complications during the surgery which was great news. I just felt like crap. My stomach felt extremely bloated and stretched out. I asked the nurse for some medicine which she injected into my iv and I felt instant relief. I didn’t get to ask what it was and didn’t care as long as it worked. I’m assuming this was morphine. My doctor reserves a bed to stay overnight pending any complications which I did not have but I was shipped upstairs anyway because that’s what the paperwork showed. I was feeling out of it so I welcomed staying overnight and almost agreed to it when I got up there. Here’s where it gets crazy. I was misgendered numerous times and I’m like okay guys “I know I’m not your first transgender patient…CUT IT OUT!”. I corrected this particular nurse multiple times even after she asked what I preferred to be addressed as. After a couple of hours my fiancé surprised me by showing up to the hospital. She couldn’t get the day off but she came early and I can say it lifted my spirits up really high. Dr. Shah finally came up after she was finished with a couple other surgeries and told me to go home. I was cleared hours later after a fiasco I’d rather not go into at this time. I’m just happy to be another step closer to my dream of feeling complete. I want the ALT phalloplasty which I talk about here.

I will not be pursuing bottom surgery for awhile till I can get on the right insurance plan that will pay my surgeon in full. I was hoping I won power ball so I could go and get my surgery done asap but that didn’t happen so I’ll just have to be patient. I am on my school break for a couple more weeks so I have time to heal up.

My first week of healing has been uneventful minus some constipation and soreness. I took Milk of Magnesia to help with the gas and movement. It worked really well for me to get things going. I felt like I did 1000 situps and the gas pain hurt all the way down, but nonetheless the pain was manageable. So far I’m getting back to my normal routine minus the lifting of anything more then 10 pounds. The doc put me on restriction from all the things I love. I cannot work out which I’m dying to do. I have about 5 more weeks till I’m cleared hopefully to my wave. I’ll update more later as I heal up. Thanks for reading.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Trans Man Talk: Does Size Matter?

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I was chatting with a very interesting young lady about penis size and how much it matters to a woman. I see that it varies depending on the lady. When I told her I looked to get a 7 to 8 inch penis, she semi frowned at me like she was disappointed. She said to me “if you can choose why go small?”

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The average male is 5.16 inches long and has about a 4.19 inch circumference according to the Huff Post. After going back and forth we came to the conclusion that there is a stigma in the African American community on penis size. My answer to this was “my preferable penis size is not for the pleasure of you, it’s for my comfort. 8 inches is small relatively speaking. “ She said she likes them big so she can feel full. I have heard this from multiple women in my community so im seeing that size can be a factor in a mans sexual relationship with women. I know it would be possible to tame an anaconda but I really don’t feel the need to impress anyone. My future boo will just need to be happy with what I have or keep it moving. I know for a fact the size that I want is good enough for thick women to enjoy. So that’s what I’m sticking to for now. I have plenty of time to rethink my penis size so I’m not going to stress all that just yet.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Bringing the Blog Up To Speed…

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I was on a roll with this blog before school got so intense. I’ve been spending my time living life instead of dwelling in the digital. Right now, I have been doing well in school. I find myself actually excelling in the “world of academia”. I was very skeptical when I started due to the money I’d have to put out. I decided to head on back to my old CUNY school to keep costs as low as possible. I don’t plan on letting student loan debt become something that cramps my lifestyle by only taking out as much as I need. Next semester when I qualify for more aid, I’m going to save the grants in a bank account so that when I finish my first degree, I can buy my first property. Spending money to increase your future net worth is more then worth it. This all started with life giving me an answer through my long time friend and brother on the phone. I haven’t seen him in years but I know he meant well when he told me to go back to school. I’m so happy and blessed that I listened. I must say it has given me my mojo back. My self-esteem and spirit have grown immensely in the last couple of months. I feel strong and I’m learning my worth. I refuse to settle for subpar relationships and quality of life. I had a female contact me today feeling some type of way after being deleted a while back. I’m not looking for any more random friends on my page nor am I looking to waste my time. We messaged back and forth maybe twice before I didn’t get a response for days. I don’t chase after women like they are objects so that didn’t phase me. I used to get my confidence from outside of my being and I see that was the problem in itself. I have to love myself to get the authentic passion that I deserve. Rejection or failure in those things have taught me lessons that I should’ve learned but I’m starting to get now. Being a man is more then just the physical aspects. It’s an all around lifestyle being able to provide and lead for myself and my family on a daily basis. I’m very traditional when it comes to gender roles so I need a wife whose not afraid to be submissive but has a backbone not to put up with my bs. She has to be willing to mother and nurture my children while I work at least until they are of pre-school age. Then I could feel more at ease with letting them into the watchful eyes of a stranger.

I passed both the court officer and BTO exams while in the process for applying for more city tests. I’m very tempted to take the NYPD exam when they start to offer it again. I was explaining to a friend that I feel like I’d be going against some sort of inner code by taking that oath. It’s internalized oppression affecting my thoughts even though I know better than that. It’s a great stable job with benefits that I could use as a stepping stone to get to the next level in my life. It will all just require patience and chess like decision-making on my part. I need be able to fit my bottom surgery into all of this as well. I know that I wont be content until I can wake up and feel physically completely whole. I work everyday until I can revel in that feeling.

I do have my hysto pre-surgical appointment coming up so this is a step forward for my transition. This is something I’m going to have to do to be able to have the bottom surgical procedure that I want. You can read all about that here. Life has been giving me so much positive energy I’m guessing to balance out the extreme lows I’ve felt and right now I am content. I haven’t reached the plateau just yet but I will keep trying until I make it.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas Edison

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Dysphoria

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I had to take a break from all that homework. Geez I forgot the workload associated with full time college work. Last semester I was working while going part time till I was laid off. That was the ultimate game changer right there. I decided to myself that I have to work towards being my own boss. In between all of this I am looking for any means to getting my bottom surgery done. I NEED IT NOW! I think about it every day no lie. Its hard for most people I know to fully understand because well it’s not an everyday issue for the “average person”. When I go to the bathroom I’m comfortable with my presentation. It’s the thoughts of “what if I leak today or drop the packer?” That always seem to cross my mind. Intimacy is a story in itself. I want to feel a woman. I have been talking to my cisgender male friends about stuff I should look forward to and I’m looking to dive right in something. I hope to be in a relationship by the time I have my bottom surgery so I can just jump in full speed ahead. I am already set in going to Dr. Crane in California. He is opening up a new spot in Dallas as well so I’ll fly there if need be. I know I need insurance to go see him as the procedure can go well over $100,000 for all of the stages plus the erectile device. My original post about my expectations of this surgery can be found here. I plan on using an AMS Spectra because I’ll be able to pump up when needed and deflate during business hours. That would help my mental state immensely. I’ve read in places that the pump was for older guys and thought that was so until I went to the Philly Conference. The men who have the pump say its great for rigorous action and can last a long time. If anything, I could switch out and get a mallable rod later if I wear out the device too fast. With the rod it can be hard to tame your bits as you will always be semi hard. I know having the rod is not an issue for me because I know how to pack but this is not my preference at this time.

I know there will always be internal issues for me because of “limitations” I’ll have even after surgery. It’s how you deal with the cards you have been dealt but it can be downright depressing sometimes. I want to get a girl pregnant. I’ve really been wanting kids lately. This may be that “biological clock” going off in my head and it’s hard to ignore. I want my little mini me already! I’m mentally ready but not financially. I can’t procreate but I can discipline. I’m looking to pursue adoption if I’m not in a relationship after surgery. I know that’s extremely hard to do being single but its possible so I will try. I know I’ll be a great father if not a good husband to a woman out there whose willing to accept all my baggage. I’m emotional at times and I like attention. I’ve been heartbroken and it’s hard for me to trust. I go through my moments of weakness and would like it if I had a partner who could pick up the pieces. My highs and lows fluctuate with these hormones at times. She needs to be my biggest cheerleader when I don’t believe in myself. I consider myself to be a strong black male and I’m content with being solo but I’m human. I get weak sometimes. Sighs I’m off to go do some retail therapy. I’m sure that will help bring my self esteem up.

*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Baby Making

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I was forced to feel my inadequecy again today as a friend of mine will be an aunt again. She joked “I want my baby” and it set off a series of emotions that I have no control over. Jealously, sadness and other feelings swept through me all at once. I can’t and never will be able to father my own children. It makes me feel guilty sometimes when I have sex. God is a source that I’m not sure I believe in yet but its deeply embedded in my being from birth. The teaching of the Bible itself can be hard to shake. Not only do I not have sex for procreation, I am pulling someone deeper into a bond with me everytime we are intimate with each other. It is also mixed with feelings of envy as she is a cisgender female. She can go into any relationship without explanation and play “her role” in society. One of those roles is to bear children. I on the other hand in a few months will be completely sterile for the rest of my life. I will also be stuck on hormones indefinitely. In order for nasty things not to happen including osteoporosis, I’ll have to inject either testosterone or estrogen into my body because your body needs a hormone present to function properly.

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Anyway I will not be able to get a girl pregnant the good ol’ fashioned way. We will either have to adopt, get foster children or deal with artificial insemination. Neither of the 3 sound fun to me but I have no choice here. This is the only way I will become a father. A girl can say “it’s OK” till her lips fall off but I still feel very inadequate as a man. No penis/sperm to fulfill your dreams of manhood can do that to you. I can the solve the “lack of penis” issue through surgery but this will take time and a lot of patience. You can see what I want from this surgery here. I hope to have some kind of insurance come through with one of these jobs I’m applying for so the procedure can be paid for in full. I would like to have my bottom surgery before I’m 30 so I can enjoy some of my youth the way I would want to without back pain lol.
Sighs the roller coaster never ends…

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*If you are looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Letting It All Hang Out…

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I found this funny picture of this cat and couldn’t resist using it to express how vulnerable I’ve made myself to others by putting this blog out there.

My Claim To Fame

I love women. I knew from grade school I was “weird” at least in the eyes of the avid heterosexual back in the 90’s. It was around 3rd or 4th grade that I felt my first attractions to the female gender. My first crushes were 2 lightskin, fair-haired females who were pretty girls but into sports. My concept of beauty at that time was artificial. 

I remember the girls all calling me a “tomboy” as I got a little older now in junior high. I would wear windbreaker pants and vest. The outfit would be topped with the matching headband with the Nike check to the side. As I speak on in my last article here, I idolized Nelly ALOT. I always felt jealous of people who had confidence in themselves. I was never completely happy growing up as a teen female. I could never approach a woman the way I wanted for fear of rejection and ridicule. I recall an incident where a girl who was part of the rainbow crew in my school wore a “Barbie is a Lesbian” t-shirt and it sparked such controversy. You can look at this article here. It scared the crap out of me and chased me further into the closet.

For the next 2 years of my life I pretended to be someone I wasn’t. This included acting like I was attracted to the opposite sex with my loose girl clothes on. I hated the color pink and despised life for not birthing me as a male. I was a homophobe or at least pretended to be to fit in with my friends. It wasn’t up until I couldn’t take it anymore. I was living a great lie. Almost overnight my personality changed. I started to don a different color du-rag on the regular along with some of my dad’s old pants and loose t- shirts. I ended writing a letter to the main chick that I ridiculed telling her my true feelings and asking to be my friend. Long story short she ended up being my first girlfriend. She introduced me to a theater program formally known as “City at Peace NY”. It is now called the Possibility Project and can be found by clicking here. Here is where I learned I could be myself and opened up to the life of the rainbow. There were so many people like myself in the community and the support was rock solid. Even with all that it still did not feel right.

I did not feel somewhat complete until my freshman year in college after I bought my first prosthetic. There was an almost instant relief in my psyche. I could be intimate with a femele the way that I wanted which is through penetration. I would sometimes wear the device on a regular day because I liked how it felt between my legs. I attributed these feelings to “penis envy” and left it at that.

Fast forward about 5 years into around 2011 when I started to look up testosterone supplements. I saw pictures of women with muscular bodies who would dominate physical routines. I looked up the side effects of this stuff and they include some of the following:

Clitoromegaly (enlargement of the clitoris)
Facial hair growth
Deepening of the voice
Male pattern baldness

At the time there was no way that could happen. I thought “How would people look at me? What would my partner think?”. It was not until I was looking up an old friend when I found out my own truth. I saw him in transition and was amazed at his changes. I saw the acronym FTM in his gender category so I googled it and found so many guys who felt like me. The first blog I read was here at Ethan Daniels website. It took me to many other blogs and resources that I have used in my own transition. I learned that it was OK to be who I wanted to be.

Since then I have been on hormones and have transformed my body and spirit. I love who I am today and have had so much relief with my dysphoria as I see the man I want now but I still feel like I’m missing equipment. I want to have Bottom Surgery and I have explain the specifics on on a past blog here. My intimate life has gotten so much better the more I feel like “me” though so I can be a bit patient with this process. I will continue on till my physical transition is over and continue with my spiritual and financial growth. Thanks for reading.

If you’re looking for more transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.