Escaping Hell

I am still in disbelief.

The world and everything that I created in my head from my past relationship was all fiction. There is no way that was my soul mate or true love that I have always been looking for based on everything that went down. Pain was something that connected us and than tore us apart with no chance of reconciliation.

I’ve been out here for years looking for another half to complete me. I now know that I’m not looking for another person to be the other 50% of my spirit. Whoever this person may be will be what I need in excess. I want to be 100% myself!

In fact now as I look back I’m left with scars all over my body from my skin being constantly submerged in the deepest parts of my own personal Hell.

The fire continues to scorch my skin as we speak during my current climb out of this hole of fire and darkness.

My dreams of marraige and kids dangled in front of me like a juicy fruit from a tree in hell.

These visions were all mirages and hallucinations that I would see coming from my own head to escape the torture I was receiving.

I took refuge away from the fire in the darkness.

The darkness was FULL with demons and monsters that tore me apart over and over again. Due to this I had to become a monster to defend myself. I have tapped into really horrible parts of myself that I did not know existed.

Slowly I have been pulling myself back together much stronger than when I was first initiated into evil.

With each step that I take upward, the pain of leaving is ever more intense and painful. Rest won’t come for me until I’m full out of the mouth of hell.

Traversing through both heaven and hell, I see I belong to neither side. I’m just me and I embrace both the light and the dark. You can’t have one without the other.

The pictures of fire and flames along with the man with the burnt skin are from the movie Spawn. I LOVE THIS MOVIE! I see myself and Earl Simmons have something in common. I was set out on a mission in which the journey led me down a dark path. I come out of hell with no memory of who I am.

I will use my new found abilities of the mind to create a bright future for myself turning all of the energy that I accumulated in darkness into light and life.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here

So Much Change

As of right now I am single again.

My ex fiance broke up with me in December. Before that me and her had been relatively on and off for months last year. We were together since November 2015.

It was like a whirlwind romance. 

Everything happened so fast. We went from dating to engaged all within the first year. I essentially jumped off a cliff asking her to marry me the way that I did. Risk should be my middle name as I dive off of cliffs without fear hoping for water that doesn’t cut me up at the bottom. In hindsight, I can see that now.

In my head, I was like this is who I am going to be with. It made me comfortable. The way that I grew up with my dad having HIV which eventually turned to AIDS kept me content with just sexing one person at a time. This is what I’m accustomed too.

Not only do I not have the urge to fuck random women, that shit terrifies me. There are so many sexually transmitted diseases, and infections out here.

One of my worse fears is to end up like my father in the way that he died. He was 53 and had a stroke in the middle of the night. His body was so weak from years of fighting the disease. I saw a picture of him a few years ago from around the time that he passed. He looked so different than I remember him.

It was so traumatizing to see. His face was basically caved in and he looked very sick. He died when I was a teenager. I guess I blocked out those images in my mind.

I love everything else about him. He was a great father to me and was always present with so much love. I got whatever I wanted.

Anyway back to the me venting about a marriage that will never happen…

We probably should’ve broken up a long time ago but I will say at least on my end I was comfortable in love with her.

I always thought that love would keep shit together like it had done my grandparents.

They physically fought and it was okay right?

Their marraige ended up lasting 50 something odd years even with apparent moments of domestic violence.

Growing up hearing this I feel I internalized what they had went through as “okay” when in fact it was very toxic at least in that area. My parents had become close to getting physical numerous times as well and they did not have a happy loving marriage.

Just dealing with all this stuff alone has made me want to build a stable healthy foundation for the next generation if I have the choice one day to become a dad. I used to talk about having kids a lot. Now I dont know if I can trust anyone to get attached to like that.

My ex also sent me a positive pregnancy test in the last few days. That shit really has thrown me for a loop. This woman knows how I’ve felt about having kids with the right person one day and giving them the whole world. We explored all of these thoughts by going to the GYN, finding out her ovulation date, and talking about the future.

All that shit I’m writing seems like a dream that I know existed. So many fucking memories in my head. I have to let go of. Shit hurts so much because of how I love.

When I give myself to someone they get all of me and then some. I dont know if I’ll ever find someone like that out there.

As many friends as I have, and my mom just downstairs I feel like I exist alone in my own reality. No one can understand how I’m feeling. Most people are out here trying to live for themselves.

Will I find love again? I don’t know….

Will I be open to it when or if it shows up? I don’t know…

I don’t want to put my hands on a woman ever again though. I admit in my younger 20’s I hit one of my exes. We dated for 6 years before she left me for a “real man” she said. That’s another story.

I never felt so bad in my life about hitting her. My anger had gotten the best of me. She had made me so mad but that didn’t warrant my reaction.

I also got into many fights with the last person I was with. This time I was never the aggressor. I felt I had to defend myself against this woman. My parents raised me to not let anyone punk or put their hands on me.

However now as a 31 year old transgender male of color I know I can’t be out here doing that shit nor do I want too.

Peace is all I have ever asked for in my life.

I just want my heart to heal.

I vow to never put my hands on a woman again but to try to walk away as long as I’m not being attacked. I will defend myself if in a life or death situation but if it’s not that the plan is to leave with my head held up high.

The only time I want to touch a woman from now on is when I’m hot for her or fucking. I’ve had to stop being touchy feely like I was when I presented female. I felt people were more friendly and open to me being a bit physical as a female.

As a male not so much. I happen to be a person of color as well so I will not pretend to not know how the world looks at me on a scale.

As a black man I’m sure I’m seen as aggressive, uneducated, out of control, illiterate, unpolished and the list goes on. This post isn’t meant to be a huge rant about black men. Just speaking my mind.

In terms of my transition, things couldn’t be better. I’ve completed both top surgery in 2013 and had a hysterectomy in 2015. If you’re interested in reading about my top surgery enter here.

Bottom surgery is a currently postponed till further notice. I’m working as a part of a real estate investing team. The money that I plan to make with transactions through the team and real estate flips will pay for surgery. I’ve set this goal. I just need to get it in motion.

I think I’m done rambling.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Abundance Mindset

I make my abrupt return to this platform developing myself into a new man.

I keep hearing of this “abundance mindset” from many of the everyday men that I talk to and watch online.

I am very good at having this mindset in other avenues inside my life. Unfortunately relationships wasn’t one of them.

Till as of late, I would have such a scarcity thought process.

Well this time again I was in love.

Love had me ignoring all the major red flags I should’ve seen in the beginning.

I saw the good in her regardless of her past. I’m learning that you need to pay attention to what someone has dealt with. It can be a factor later on.

There was also a lot of pain coming from both sides so I feel it added more fuel to the fire.

The therapist told us we could work it out but we stopped going.

I guess this will be one or those things that isn’t going to work because we gave up along with other issues of disrespect that was inside of the relationship.

I wasnt always the best to her but I loved her with all of me. I wanted us to be like that power couple I know we could have been but that’s dead it seems.

She just told me this week she had sex with someone during our breakups.

At first I was upset because of the thought of someone sleeping with my woman.

I couldn’t get the visual out if my head…

But then it occurred to me, I was not entitled to any type of loyalty at that time. I thought love would bring us back together with some time apart.

Shit Was I Wrong!

Soooooo much has went on in the last few months, I’m like damn I dont know how I’m going to fit this in one post. I plan on writing more as I get the power to share my truth.

Following all of my emotional outburst I began to have so much clarity as to what I’ve done wrong over the course of my life.

My mindset is not right…

I know this for a fact because all of my relationships have failed.

No!

I do not completely blame myself for what has occurred through all my life because that would be me not giving the assholes who have stumbled my way their fair share of the collapse.

I can be honest though and say I am not ready to be anyone’s husband.

This year alone has taught me so much in terms of the game in being a man. I have to take my position as such seriously and be a leader of a pack.

It means taking MYSELF more seriously as a human being but more so as a MAN.

This is so powerful. I didn’t even realize this due to my upbringing as a female.

I have been learning things as of late from men that are around me everyday. This includes the drug dealers, my barber, and my real estate mentor.

I feel all of these talks will make me not just book smart but street smart as a male.

I’ve been approaching women more frequently in my everyday journeys and I must say I’ve had some success with getting contact info and numbers.

There have been flakes and ones who are “gay” per se. This girl told me today that she “didnt do” men. She still offered me her number and wants to hang out.

I figured I’ll take the number because she may know others who like men like myself!

😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎

Another girl just didnt want to give me her number. That’s fine too. I got it out of the way. I forgot about her soon as I walked away. I hope I dont hit on her again!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

This relationship self help blog that I follow speaks of women in the realist way possible.

“Every girl you pass could be a future girlfriend/fuck buddy. It’s up to you as a man to start the interaction just as it is your job to penetrate a womans pussy”

I never looked at my new found position as a man in society to this extent.

I see with more rejection it does indeed breed confidence.

Girls stop for me when I talk to them so I know I’m not butt ugly!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

It’s still quite a barrier sometimes to speak to people and get over my codependency issues. I notice I still freeze up to talk to some women. I’m sure I’ll get over it as I do my daily approaches.

I feel like I still care to an extent much about what people think about me. Its something I deal with day to day.

However I have started to realize who I was and what I was capable of. My confidence has just soared as of late.

I see it like this. Whoever comes my way and it doesnt work out wasnt meant to be.

I used to put so much emotional emphasis on how I was making my partner/friends feel and not thinking of myself. That was the wrong idea.

It wont be happening any longer.

I am focused on my purpose and worrying about padding my bank accounts.

Something in me today breeded this post. I open my eyes wide and will let the sun shine in. The future is bright!

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Fatty McFatFat

Why am I fat again?

I originally looked like this before I started doing the Insanity workout in 2012.

These are also pics before my top surgery so bare with me.

I did all that work from 2012- 2014 to look like this…

I speak about my original weight loss here. My top surgery was completed by Dr. Weiss in NYC. I speak of that experience here.

Now in 2018 this is me..

That’s two different people there!

I am just in complete utter shock at how much weight I’ve gained.

I’ve been through the ringer in my life to this point since 2014. I’ve lost friends, lovers and my own self respect.

Just in December, I got hurt at work so this has limited me even further in the work that I can do. My diet was crap because I was so depressed with my lack of movement. I used food as a means to get pleasure when I was bored or stressed.

Now there’s Fatty McFatFat!

The next 60 days, I’m going to work on changing my life around. Getting arms and back definition is highly important to me as a man.

Things can’t stay the same!

Growth and progress forward is the only option.

On another note, I am currently messing around with the idea of a clothing line. It could be a great personal venture for me.

My clothing will be a way to present my individuality to the world.

This may even cause me to come out eventually and not live as a stealth transman.

I have to give even less fucks and do what I have to do. This could be my gold mine in disguise!

Just think of the possibilities!

Everyone has something unique about oneself. At times for me that’s the biggest thing I feel that sets me apart from others. Being a transgender male that is.

I am not ashamed of transitioning at all. That would be a pussy move.

Embracing my status internally has always worked for me. I may need to rethink some of my thoughts. I know my thinking originated from fear which I need to overcome to live my best life possible.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Smile Everyday!

I’m learning no matter what to be authentic and be 100% ME!
I realized that it has been a while since I spoke on my transition so here is an update:

  • I made 6 years 3 months on testosterone this month
  • I’ve actually grown some hair on my face! Most of it is on my chin and I have a visible mustache (WINNING!)
  • I take myself more seriously…as a man
  • I’m ridding myself of the extra emotional ways of the past. There’s no need to be so serious all the time…

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

    Lightskin Chronicles 

    “Mama is a “saint”, yes she raised me real good
    All because of her I don’t do you like I should
    Don’t make me give you back to the hood
    Don’t make me give you back”

    Drake always in his feelings on his albums. Singing and getting all emotional and shit. I get it…we are both October scorpios so I understand all that gushy stuff. 

    Chris Brown is another example. Bugging the fuck out over a woman. They get you in your feelings like that. Leave it to the lightskin folk to get out of pocket.

    Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t so nice. My parents raised me to “treat others like you want to be treated.” Now my mother isn’t the easiest person to get to know or a saint but who is on this Earth? Once you get past the thick skin she has, everything is usually cool. She has been amazing when it comes to my transition. Her insurance paid for my top surgery which you can read about here. Dad on the other hand was a character and such a joy to be around. I was talking to an old friend the other day and he mentioned having “fond memories” of my father being a happy person. Oh how I could use the positive energy right now. 

    Anyway the point of this post is to explain my issue with being just a bit too nice and having an extremely big heart even when I shouldn’t. I’ve had some extremely fucked up shit happen to me. I wonder how these same people would react if I treated them the exact same way. Even when I feel like spazzing the fuck out, I’m learning to implement keeping it cool. I’ve been told I have an attitude and an anger problem which I don’t dispute. Only when I feel i’m being provoked do I go that route. I do not take disrespect too nicely. Very rarely have I shown this side of me to people. You really have to keep pushing my buttons for me to bug out. I take quite a beating before I start going off. The little things add up to me. I don’t like pettyness and people who have the inability to listen. This really grinds my gears. This is because I consider myself a very good listener and I work very hard at this skill to prevent miscommunication. My old theater program had us listen to the life stories of everyone in the cast. It was an exercise to strengthen this much needed skill that I use to focus in class now. 

    https://youtu.be/pKEh8SezV08

    Formally known as City at Peace NY, this program is where I first started to fully express myself as a “stud.” I would wear all masculine clothing, and dated a “feminine” female. This is how I prefer my women to be. The cast would make frequent trips to the village and hang out. The village in NYC is considered very “LGBT” friendly and this is the spot to go if you want to express pride in your rainbow affiliation. After 16 years, I finally started to feel like I could present myself as me. We would be together for many nights after school and weekends for 8 months out of the year. 4 years I stayed in the program. I do not regret it. I made many friends who I still speak with once in a while to this very day. 


    I bring up the program now known as “The Possibility Project” because I feel it saved my life by keeping me off the street during my transition from teen to young adult. A nice chuck of my patience and ability to deal with different types of people come from here so I am eternally grateful. My parents have WAY LESS patience then I do. I praise the program for my over abundance of empathy. Having great mentors around me in tune with themselves was a blessing. 


    I’m a big believer in things happening in sync. Today I’m posting my 113th post on 3/11. I have also had the “pleasure” of working at 311 this past summer. I would’ve still been there but I left on my own. It didn’t fit into my school schedule at all. I needed that extra study time. Anyway I’m hoping the universe will give me a sign of something today. It needs to be big. Thanks for reading.

    “I just wanna let you know that someone love you back
    All the Cadillac, like I’m Teddy Pendergrass
    Whippin’ on this shit I’m getting ready, where you at?
    Riding…”

    (I UPLOADED THE POST AT 3:11 AM)

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

    “The Good Guy”

    Now I’m not writing this post knocking my boy Stevie J. I respect him as a real artist who can definitely play an multitude of instruments. 

    https://youtu.be/bCgX2fW6FuQ

    Stevie and I share a couple of qualities. He is a Scorpio like myself who is hungry to be better than he was yesterday. He makes a gazillion mistakes on a daily basis but he makes up for it by trying to come out stronger and better. Watching the show, you see he gets into many entrepreneurial endeavors. This includes partnering up with Benzino to open a restaurant and having a pre-workout supplement called “Danger Zone” that’s for sale right now. I plan on giving it a try once my money becomes a bit more stable. 

    I love to work out and I am inspired by him to get my body even tighter than it was at my peak. First I’m going to be doing the “Insanity” workout to drop some weight. Next it will be the muscle gain. I hope to follow at least in those footsteps of his with the exercise and hustle. On the other hand, we also have a bad habit of attracting not so nice women into our lives.

    Joseline you could see was trouble from the start. She got with him while he was in a relationship with his baby mother Mimi. They denied any claims of being together even with all the excessive flirting and inappropriate things done in the public and behind closed doors. During the course of their union, he played with her and she played back doing inexcusable things. Current news is she is supposed to be pregnant with his baby on the show. I do not think she was actually pregnant regardless of what was shown on the opening episode. I think it was all fake right along with Beyoncé’s pregnancy with Blue Ivy but that’s for another post. 

    Now here’s where we differ…

    I was binge watching the older seasons of the show before it came back on last night and I couldn’t help but notice how bad he is with women. This dude is not loyal at all! First there was Mimi, a baby mama to one of his daughters whose also a 20 year friend. He bought a family home for the 3 of them to live in the suburbs. As a music producer, he did most of his work in the studio in the city area where he also acquired an apartment for him to stay in on his late nights. Joseline was one of his artists at first. Since he has a bad habit of mixing business with pleasure, they ended up messing around. 

    They would go to the extra apartment he had to have their sexual rendezvous. As of right now, they aren’t together on the show. During the season break, he had a spin off called “Leave It To Stevie.”

    During the course of the show you saw him level up in the lady department with one of his longtime friends. He had a chance to date Faith Evans. Now this was a big step up from what he usually attracts. She was a real woman. I don’t feel like Faith would go out of her way to hurt him and play games like immature Joseline. She was graceful with it and I appreciate that about her. Grinding and level headed, I feel that’s what he needs from a wife. I take this advice into account for myself because now after all of the heartache and now know what and who I don’t want to marry. I want peace and stability in my life.

    I’ve been buying some sage along with this other root to bring positive energy into my life and I suggest that Stevie J do the same. Some people don’t mature just with age, it takes experiences. Hopefully Stevie will stay faithful to the right woman. I feel when you find the one”, it will all work out in your favor and things will fall into place. If it’s not meant to be it won’t. Thanks for reading. 

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.


    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

    “Dont Save Her…She Don’t Wanna Be Saved”

    I have come to the conclusion that you can’t force anyone in life to do something. They have to make the decision within themselves to take action. The only real control I have in my life are the choices I make. Sometimes my emotions can get the best of me and I get in my feelings. This is me. I am a highly emotional being who has an attitude. When my bullshit detector goes off, I tend to get out of character. What I need to learn is how to better control my emotions to make better decisions. While I know this, I just can’t figure out how to do it.

    As I go towards my 30th birthday, my perspective on life is changing quite drastically. I don’t want drama in my life anymore. I like peace and quiet. An old soul I believe myself to be. I just want to lay up and enjoy people and their company while shooting the breeze. 

    I was watching Lottery Ticket and I started imagining how it would feel to be free. I don’t think my road to riches will be all that simple though. My ride up the ladder will be through Real Estate. I know this is what I want to do. I’ve been looking into programs at various schools for after I graduate from undergrad. In time the pieces will come together.


    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.


    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

    The Hottest Love Has the Coldest End

    It was like the greatest high I ever felt…then you crash back down to the Earth. Harder then before…your heart is heavy from all the pain. I’ve been letting myself feel my emotions as of late. I cried today while listening to music. I want so bad to just have someone who won’t give up on me. A person who can be empathetic to my mistakes. One day I hope to be someone’s husband and baby father. Security is what I’m searching for now in my life. I don’t want to be around anything that doesn’t bring the best out of me at all times. I’m just tired of fighting. Seems like shit is always to the extreme and it’s pissing me off. I’m in my feelings right now and my mind is all over the place. I don’t know what to do. 

    I don’t want love right now. The shit hurts too damn bad. I don’t want the emotions and everything that comes with it. 

    I do miss the look in her eye when she tells me “I love you”. Holding her waist ever so gently and pulling her close meant the world to me. With those hips I saw one who could bear my seed and we raise them up together.  I would imagine a star studded wedding with me waiting for her down the aisle. I would see that white gown and tear up as I saw her coming towards me. I would tell her the vows that I wrote and hold her hand. Pulling the veil up to kiss those soft lips.  She becoming my Queen and I her King. I kneel before my bride and kiss her hand. I do believe now that all that was a dream. 

    I hate feeling like I was set up. All she saw was herself. I hate how life flashes what I want in my face like some kind of a joke. I saw perfection while she saw deception. 


    [Jhene Aiko – Chorus]
    “You had to change up the game
    Oh the weather is not the same
    Now there’s only cloudy days
    I can’t stand the rain in July
    Oh July
    There were fireworks exploding (exploding)
    But now it’s getting colder
    The leaves are turning colors
    Why, it’s just not our season
    The one and only reason
    Baby oh baby oh
    Our summer turned into fall

    [Drake – Verse 2]
    Damn, tell me where did all the magic go
    I followed all the rules and told you everything you had to know
    Had you over every night, every night was passionate
    Plus you met my mother even if it was an accident
    I’m confused tell me where we go wrong
    I was sure that I would be with you so long
    I was planning on this being something worth mentioning
    Energy invested in someone I saw potential in
    Who killed Chivalry they need to get their sentencing
    Meanwhile we arguing and I can’t get a sentence in
    And just as I predicted here we go again
    They always say the hottest love has the coldest end

    [Chorus]

    [Jhene Aiko]
    See its funny ’cause I never thought this would end but then the season changed
    [Drake]
    You were my, you were my, you were my girl (I was your girl)
    Should’ve made, should’ve made, should’ve made you my World
    Should’ve made you everything to make you happy baby
    [Jhene Aiko]
    Can’t wait for, can’t wait for, can’t wait for springtime
    And I will turn into a butterfly
    I will spread my wings and fly


    https://youtu.be/G7m8dfVWLc8

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.


    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

    My Truth

    It’s time to take my life back. I can’t be the savior of every soul that hurts or cries for help. I need to better myself first. I’ve been in a failing relationship it seems for the past 14 months. I thought I had met my dream girl but looks aren’t apparently what they seem to be. We all have our flaws and issues to deal with. Some things are more tolerable then others. 

    I am someone who has held in a lot of my anger over the years. People have treated me like shit while I just kept my mouth shut. With all of that I have put up a wall to bullshit. My ex from some years back left to go pursue her interests in “real men” while the next didn’t want to make time for me. The person that I was dealing with most recently thought it was ok to disrespect me. Doing things to me that she wouldn’t tolerate. See that’s what grinds my gears the most is when people do that. Why would you do things that you wouldn’t be okay with? Now I’m no saint and I have issues with my anger. I just figured someone who speaks of us being alike would understand where I was coming from. I feel like I put my heart out there for it to be stomped out. I felt most of the time my voice fell on deaf ears. Trust to me is everything. I am a man who is cheap and will look for a discount whenever possible. Everything included in business and services is negotiable in my book. So when I speak of being cheap with someone in particular my definition is me looking for any type of deal to still get the job done, make a person happy while keeping my pockets cool as well. I feel at times I wasn’t doing enough in my relationship because there would always be something wrong with her. It was never enough. This is completely toxic and shows me exactly who I do not want to become or be with. 

    I do not think right now I am lovable or a suitable mate because of some of my ways and that’s ok. I’m sure there is time to find love or not. One of my mentors is over 50 and single. He loves life and is happy so I see it is possible to be alone and have happiness. One day I will find my love but right now I’m not looking. I am obviously attracting these type of women into my life so I have changes to make with myself to get better.

    I am tired of looking like a damn fool when shit blows up in my face again and again. What I do know is that this isn’t my whole life. This is just today. When people from my past come to mind, I think about hitting them up. Then I think of the shit we went through and the fact that I have not gotten a phone call from them and I leave them where they belong. Going back to the days of the old school, the times where the Internet and social media were nonexistent. When you didn’t exchange numbers or information with people, you didn’t see or hear from them unless you come across said person on the outside. It’s better that way or God would’ve kept them around. No regrets…

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.