Letter to Love Lost Pt.2

All I wanted from you was peace.

For my soul to finally be at rest. This crazy world out here really drains my energy. In you, I looked for solitide.

I’m starting to see I can’t find that with you no matter how hard I try.

It was supposed to be me and you against the world. Instead I feel like in your eyes you see me vs you.

I saw my shining star. I went with my heart…and now I’m left torn ever more into pieces because now I’m starting to feel it wasn’t real. Love can’t be real.

When you love hard, you can hate just as much in reverse. It’s a really thin line between the two emotions. I see that now as I can feel in my heart, hate for love.

Love seems all like a dream. It was never my reality. Love was an escape from my day to day rituals and deserting friends.

Do I really know what love is or do I confuse it with attachment/codependency?

(If you don’t know what codependency is take a look at it’s meaning here. I may write a blog about it because this is something that have been struggling with in my life for as long as I can go back in my mind. The topic can get quite extensive so look out for the blog link for that here.)

I think of the moment love gave me my ring back. Feeling like cement bricks in my hand, but pulling down on my heart. There’s no more left to give. I feel depleted.

I’m not saying I was the best to you either love. I am not right now the best me I can be. My heart has been kicked around by many people making me even more sensitive to shit that people do.

We are both not ready for each other.

I don’t think love understood how I really felt so I wrote my feelings down. It’s the best way I know how to communicate as this the first way I really knew how.

Anyway maybe later in life, love and I will come across each other again to fulfill the great destiny we shared together.

If not…well…we spent some great times together. I’ll keep a piece of you with me forever as I live out the rest my days that I wanted to spend with you.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Fatty McFatFat

Why am I fat again?

I originally looked like this before I started doing the Insanity workout in 2012.

These are also pics before my top surgery so bare with me.

I did all that work from 2012- 2014 to look like this…

I speak about my original weight loss here. My top surgery was completed by Dr. Weiss in NYC. I speak of that experience here.

Now in 2018 this is me..

That’s two different people there!

I am just in complete utter shock at how much weight I’ve gained.

I’ve been through the ringer in my life to this point since 2014. I’ve lost friends, lovers and my own self respect.

Just in December, I got hurt at work so this has limited me even further in the work that I can do. My diet was crap because I was so depressed with my lack of movement. I used food as a means to get pleasure when I was bored or stressed.

Now there’s Fatty McFatFat!

The next 60 days, I’m going to work on changing my life around. Getting arms and back definition is highly important to me as a man.

Things can’t stay the same!

Growth and progress forward is the only option.

On another note, I am currently messing around with the idea of a clothing line. It could be a great personal venture for me.

My clothing will be a way to present my individuality to the world.

This may even cause me to come out eventually and not live as a stealth transman.

I have to give even less fucks and do what I have to do. This could be my gold mine in disguise!

Just think of the possibilities!

Everyone has something unique about oneself. At times for me that’s the biggest thing I feel that sets me apart from others. Being a transgender male that is.

I am not ashamed of transitioning at all. That would be a pussy move.

Embracing my status internally has always worked for me. I may need to rethink some of my thoughts. I know my thinking originated from fear which I need to overcome to live my best life possible.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Gettin’ The Bag 

Laid back (with my mind on my money and my money on my mind)

Whatever endeavor I go into in terms of real estate and the weed market, perseverance will be key.

I’m leaving behind the emotional baggage in the past and getting the money bag…

I’ll end up like Drake, crying and singing all the time on records if I don’t let go of unhappiness and baggage.

That’s my dude though and I listen to all his music but I’m like who broke his heart!

Jeez!

I have to learn to catch myself “Draking” and cut most of that crap out of my character. You don’t win in life like that.

Anyway off the lightskin shit!

I will give no fucks about anyone’s issues but my own…

It’s time to get the MONEY!

I COME FIRST!

Money will come in at a close second…

Then my family, because I will use the money to take care of the small family I got…

The Bag gotta come first!

On to other things…

It felt so exhilarating to work out yesterday!

I am SORE as fuck!

From sickness to work injuries, everything has gotten in my way of working out the way I really want to.

No more excuses!

In 2018, big changes have to be made including being clear from the weed fog I’ve been in for a decade. It’s already the late afternoon and I’m completely sober!

Maybe the weed has lost its novelty…

It can be quite boring without weed since I don’t drink alcohol like that…

Even feeling like that, my mental clarity is of utmost importance to move into the next decade of my life.

I will be FIERCE!

I will DOMINATE!

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Smile Everyday!

I’m learning no matter what to be authentic and be 100% ME!
I realized that it has been a while since I spoke on my transition so here is an update:

  • I made 6 years 3 months on testosterone this month
  • I’ve actually grown some hair on my face! Most of it is on my chin and I have a visible mustache (WINNING!)
  • I take myself more seriously…as a man
  • I’m ridding myself of the extra emotional ways of the past. There’s no need to be so serious all the time…

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

    When Demons Attract…

    It’s dark down there…
    Be careful or you might fall in with me…

    My demon has had time to manifest so much energy in my life. I know for a fact he’s been fucking these girls I’ve been with…
    He has a need that can’t be fulfilled easily…

    Internal pain is what I have shared with others in my short life. It felt oh so good to feed from that energy…into that nectar…so intoxicating…endless.

    It’s good to be bad.

    Until it overflows onto life…not just in the bed where the juices were spilled and sucked up. 

    That pussy was oh so good…

    Hitting raw…

    Cumming inside…

    Feeding on all that sexual energy…

    I will feel it again…

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.


    The Hottest Love Has the Coldest End

    It was like the greatest high I ever felt…then you crash back down to the Earth. Harder then before…your heart is heavy from all the pain. I’ve been letting myself feel my emotions as of late. I cried today while listening to music. I want so bad to just have someone who won’t give up on me. A person who can be empathetic to my mistakes. One day I hope to be someone’s husband and baby father. Security is what I’m searching for now in my life. I don’t want to be around anything that doesn’t bring the best out of me at all times. I’m just tired of fighting. Seems like shit is always to the extreme and it’s pissing me off. I’m in my feelings right now and my mind is all over the place. I don’t know what to do. 

    I don’t want love right now. The shit hurts too damn bad. I don’t want the emotions and everything that comes with it. 

    I do miss the look in her eye when she tells me “I love you”. Holding her waist ever so gently and pulling her close meant the world to me. With those hips I saw one who could bear my seed and we raise them up together.  I would imagine a star studded wedding with me waiting for her down the aisle. I would see that white gown and tear up as I saw her coming towards me. I would tell her the vows that I wrote and hold her hand. Pulling the veil up to kiss those soft lips.  She becoming my Queen and I her King. I kneel before my bride and kiss her hand. I do believe now that all that was a dream. 

    I hate feeling like I was set up. All she saw was herself. I hate how life flashes what I want in my face like some kind of a joke. I saw perfection while she saw deception. 


    [Jhene Aiko – Chorus]
    “You had to change up the game
    Oh the weather is not the same
    Now there’s only cloudy days
    I can’t stand the rain in July
    Oh July
    There were fireworks exploding (exploding)
    But now it’s getting colder
    The leaves are turning colors
    Why, it’s just not our season
    The one and only reason
    Baby oh baby oh
    Our summer turned into fall

    [Drake – Verse 2]
    Damn, tell me where did all the magic go
    I followed all the rules and told you everything you had to know
    Had you over every night, every night was passionate
    Plus you met my mother even if it was an accident
    I’m confused tell me where we go wrong
    I was sure that I would be with you so long
    I was planning on this being something worth mentioning
    Energy invested in someone I saw potential in
    Who killed Chivalry they need to get their sentencing
    Meanwhile we arguing and I can’t get a sentence in
    And just as I predicted here we go again
    They always say the hottest love has the coldest end

    [Chorus]

    [Jhene Aiko]
    See its funny ’cause I never thought this would end but then the season changed
    [Drake]
    You were my, you were my, you were my girl (I was your girl)
    Should’ve made, should’ve made, should’ve made you my World
    Should’ve made you everything to make you happy baby
    [Jhene Aiko]
    Can’t wait for, can’t wait for, can’t wait for springtime
    And I will turn into a butterfly
    I will spread my wings and fly


    https://youtu.be/G7m8dfVWLc8

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.


    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

    Facebook Addiction

    Hi..My name is Suites and I have a Facebook Addiction. Coming to terms with this was very hard. It’s something that I had to sit down and ponder about. When my mind had nothing else to wonder about I would find myself scrolling down my Facebook timeline for minutes on end, feeding my energy into this powerful entity. I regard it as such a thing because of the amount of control it has on people’s daily lives. Life had landed me with a number of future opportunities to work for the city. All of these employment orientations have led me to giving up my social media identities for them to look at before they hire me. The importance this website has on my future is paramount. I do not want to make this a staple of my time on Earth. 

    It has been about a week since I deactivated my Facebook account. On the first day, to my surprise I felt very anxious. I would pick up my phone with many thoughts including going back to Facebook and calming my nerves. Ignoring these feeling I went on to do many things including:

    • Worked out more often
    • Read real estate articles
    • Spent more time living outside of the phone screen

     The list goes on with the things I did with my newfound minutes each day. I still do have my Instagram account and post quotes once in a while but it is not something I spend a lot of my time on. I choose not to have a Snap chat or other accounts because these things are a time waster in my opinion. 

    I think of the simple times before all of the electronic devices and the Internet. The 90’s into the 2000’s were some of the best years of my life. It just happened to be during the time when the Internet and cell phones were brand new and not very relevant to everyday life. I imagined my timeline during the Super Bowl game and felt very blessed to be able to enjoy the moments of watching the game and not caring about the “likes” on my post. I really don’t give a damn about people’s opinions any longer.

    Like any addiction this will take time to get completely off of my mind though. I will not say that I don’t get weak sometimes. I’m human and I make so many damn mistakes but then I wake up the next day a new man with new choices to make. One day I’ll be reveling in the success that I deserve to have. I have to put it out into universe to create for me so I’m claiming everything I want in life to be mine. 

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.