Insensitive 

The art of anger and loud screaming, without anyone or anything to stop them. Forgetting that the other person has feelings because your pride and ego trump even the bonds and loyalty of the relationship. No one takes accountability for their actions and points the finger away without accepting that an issue between 2 people is exactly that. A problem that those individuals contributed to and created. The ugly experiment gone wrong…“Frankenstein!” comes to life and brings chaos to everyone within distance. 

Love can induce the best high you’ve ever experienced or it can feel like I would imagine as the shock and pain of a parachute failure before crash landing back down to the reality of gravity hitting the Earth.

I thought I knew how to explain my feelings and get my point across. I feel myself sometimes on the brink of insanity. I’ve held so much pain inside along with new wounds being pierced through my heart and soul.  I try so hard to keep it together and not let that dark side of me come to surface. I can’t let the shadow take over my spirit and pull me deep into the dark where the sun no longer can grace me with its light and soulful energy. The mind has capabilities of creating enormous evil. Sit in the dark with scars on your heart you will see what I mean. 

I went and talked my therapist today to try and deal with some anger issues that I have. I have noticed that I have had issues with my attitude and anger as of late which I need help with. She told me to stop being so hard on myself. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s just having to learn from them. I can’t hold on to feelings of resentment and things from my past. I’m going to continue to write on this blog. It seems a good place to have release of my stress and it leaves me with the ability to have reflection of the growth (or not)that I make. I also need to learn to find a happy medium to reduce my stress and live in the present moment. She spoke of this present second being all we have at the moment so we need to be thriving and worrying about our immediate issues now. Don’t dwell in the past and don’t get to anxious for the future. I hope with her help I can pull the pieces together. I made my next appointment to see her soon.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Rant: Getting Some Things Off My Chest

What grinds my gears is the fact that guys who cheat most of the time have a good lady. He will run all over her. Be the biggest asshole in the world and she manages to stay around. When you for example, go out to the club and you knowingly pick up a chick and bang her while you’re in a relationship I do not agree with that notion. I also do not need/want to be with 1000 women for life to be fulfilled. I however do not judge others with issues of their infidelity. It’s not my demon to face. I only want to please 1 as many as times humanly possible. It’s the attraction I think of the “I can change them” mentality that many people (including myself) have. I see this is not always the case. A man/woman will do what they want until they are ready to commit if ever.  I am a good man and I don’t cheat but most of the guys around me do (or did) and they seem to have gotten off without any backlash. I know I have been a good man and I get lied on about being a cheater which makes no sense to me. All it makes me aware of is that people are watching at all times and I plan on giving them great things to observe and hate on because I will not stop being great. I’m no retaliator because I believe Karma will do everything she needs to do for me.

I’ve been reading this blog of this other transman and his experience with phalloplasty. I must admit it kinda made me really think about the surgery and it scares me. When people are going through embarrassing things and they decide not to post for awhile because of this, it can give the impression that everything is hunky dory when in fact it’s hell on Earth. For example when a guy cannot use the bathroom correctly he may not post it due to anxiety and known technique/surgeon flunkies who blame him for his pain.

I do have a favorite surgeon however and his name is Dr. Curtis Crane in California. I love his team’s technique for the glansplasty and his overall work that I’ve seen so far. I know that going to him does not guarantee a complication free surgery but I believe his team will have the knowledge and experience to fix any problems that arise. I’m happy to be back to my writing on this blog though during this rough semester. School has been kicking my ass but I hope to bounce back soon. Writing makes me happy because it’s my gift. I know it is…I do it well and I’m realizing in order to get the things I want I need to feed more into my gifts. I think sometimes about writing a book. One day at a time…

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Blizzard Conditions…

It’s been months since I’ve written. I can say this…there has been hell. I have been fighting this demon  who is in turn a part of myself. I have helped to create this demon but in fact it’s presence has always been known. Love found it’s way into my presence right alongside hate. My life I feel at times is always to the extreme. There’s no middle ground. It can be blissful heaven or fiery hell. 

Even with all of this going on certain events as of late have me reevaluating my life, I begin to understand (with some outside help) that I need to do 3 things in my life to facilitate change:

I need to ACKNOWLEDGE people and their feelings along with not letting the voice in my head be ignored. I can get feelings across without being arrogant and becoming a great looney when I don’t feel understood or heard.

Beginning to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, along with really listening to things that are said to me and internalizing it in a way where I can have a positive learning experience will be good for me.

Making some sort of ADJUSTMENT to my life so I won’t be so angry will be of great help to my life. I have to get the help that I need to control myself and make better judgment calls. I feel it will save my life/relationships in the long run.
 
So as of today I am taking my life back. No one (at least what I know of) has the ability to live an infinite life. I do not have time to waste.  TIME waits for no one and I will be quiet no longer. I am so used to holding in my real feelings not taking care of things when they occur. As a man that will not happen no longer. I am taking my power back for myself.

I really want things to get better. I have some more hope for the future. I have to keep going with my head held up high.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.