Dysphoria

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I had to take a break from all that homework. Geez I forgot the workload associated with full time college work. Last semester I was working while going part time till I was laid off. That was the ultimate game changer right there. I decided to myself that I have to work towards being my own boss. In between all of this I am looking for any means to getting my bottom surgery done. I NEED IT NOW! I think about it every day no lie. Its hard for most people I know to fully understand because well it’s not an everyday issue for the “average person”. When I go to the bathroom I’m comfortable with my presentation. It’s the thoughts of “what if I leak today or drop the packer?” That always seem to cross my mind. Intimacy is a story in itself. I want to feel a woman. I have been talking to my cisgender male friends about stuff I should look forward to and I’m looking to dive right in something. I hope to be in a relationship by the time I have my bottom surgery so I can just jump in full speed ahead. I am already set in going to Dr. Crane in California. He is opening up a new spot in Dallas as well so I’ll fly there if need be. I know I need insurance to go see him as the procedure can go well over $100,000 for all of the stages plus the erectile device. My original post about my expectations of this surgery can be found here. I plan on using an AMS Spectra because I’ll be able to pump up when needed and deflate during business hours. That would help my mental state immensely. I’ve read in places that the pump was for older guys and thought that was so until I went to the Philly Conference. The men who have the pump say its great for rigorous action and can last a long time. If anything, I could switch out and get a mallable rod later if I wear out the device too fast. With the rod it can be hard to tame your bits as you will always be semi hard. I know having the rod is not an issue for me because I know how to pack but this is not my preference at this time.

I know there will always be internal issues for me because of “limitations” I’ll have even after surgery. It’s how you deal with the cards you have been dealt but it can be downright depressing sometimes. I want to get a girl pregnant. I’ve really been wanting kids lately. This may be that “biological clock” going off in my head and it’s hard to ignore. I want my little mini me already! I’m mentally ready but not financially. I can’t procreate but I can discipline. I’m looking to pursue adoption if I’m not in a relationship after surgery. I know that’s extremely hard to do being single but its possible so I will try. I know I’ll be a great father if not a good husband to a woman out there whose willing to accept all my baggage. I’m emotional at times and I like attention. I’ve been heartbroken and it’s hard for me to trust. I go through my moments of weakness and would like it if I had a partner who could pick up the pieces. My highs and lows fluctuate with these hormones at times. She needs to be my biggest cheerleader when I don’t believe in myself. I consider myself to be a strong black male and I’m content with being solo but I’m human. I get weak sometimes. Sighs I’m off to go do some retail therapy. I’m sure that will help bring my self esteem up.

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10 comments

  1. makeyouom · September 19, 2015

    I really appreciate your honesty. It’s refreshing and interesting to read what you are going through from your perspective. Keep your head up, you’ll find that person who treats you like you deserve and makes you happy. Best of luck! I’m rooting for you. ❤

    • Suites · September 19, 2015

      Thank you for reading. I write to educate and to vent…

  2. JaxNash · September 20, 2015

    I too just found out I can have a pump/rod/whichever and had thought it was just for cis males – exciting!

    • Suites · September 20, 2015

      Most definitely…I look forward to it

  3. 08jennylynn13 · September 30, 2015

    Thank you for this post. I am having a rough time with Dysphoria and the baby blues also. I know that the ship has sailed for my fiance and I on that front. We both have kids from previous relationships but the longing to have a child with her is overpowering. I would love another child.

    • Suites · September 30, 2015

      No problem..it helps to be able to vent and educate others to the feelings we go through. I know it could help someone else by knowing they have people who relate.

    • Suites · September 30, 2015

      Thank you for reading

  4. Vincent Wambua · October 6, 2015

    I can relate to this Suites…and sorry for what you’re going through…I feel your pain

    • Suites · October 7, 2015

      Appreciate that…being a male of trans experience isn’t for the faint of heart

  5. Pingback: Liebster Award ♥ | (Un)fettered

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