Baby Making

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I was forced to feel my inadequecy again today as a friend of mine will be an aunt again. She joked “I want my baby” and it set off a series of emotions that I have no control over. Jealously, sadness and other feelings swept through me all at once. I can’t and never will be able to father my own children. It makes me feel guilty sometimes when I have sex. God is a source that I’m not sure I believe in yet but its deeply embedded in my being from birth. The teaching of the Bible itself can be hard to shake. Not only do I not have sex for procreation, I am pulling someone deeper into a bond with me everytime we are intimate with each other. It is also mixed with feelings of envy as she is a cisgender female. She can go into any relationship without explanation and play “her role” in society. One of those roles is to bear children. I on the other hand in a few months will be completely sterile for the rest of my life. I will also be stuck on hormones indefinitely. In order for nasty things not to happen including osteoporosis, I’ll have to inject either testosterone or estrogen into my body because your body needs a hormone present to function properly.

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Anyway I will not be able to get a girl pregnant the good ol’ fashioned way. We will either have to adopt, get foster children or deal with artificial insemination. Neither of the 3 sound fun to me but I have no choice here. This is the only way I will become a father. A girl can say “it’s OK” till her lips fall off but I still feel very inadequate as a man. No penis/sperm to fulfill your dreams of manhood can do that to you. I can the solve the “lack of penis” issue through surgery but this will take time and a lot of patience. You can see what I want from this surgery here. I hope to have some kind of insurance come through with one of these jobs I’m applying for so the procedure can be paid for in full. I would like to have my bottom surgery before I’m 30 so I can enjoy some of my youth the way I would want to without back pain lol.
Sighs the roller coaster never ends…

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25 comments

  1. Optimus Rye · September 6, 2015

    I deal with this same struggle. My wife and I decided to go through a sperm bank. We have a 1 year old. I love him more than anything in the world. But I’m a “replaceable” parent since I have no biological ties to him. It bothers me the same way.

    • Suites · September 6, 2015

      Sighs I hope I can learn to cope with these emotions…how do you deal? Do you not have legal ties as the father?

      • Optimus Rye · September 10, 2015

        Unfortunately being Transgender you are still recognized as a “same sex” marriage or relationship as far as children. Basically, as a Transgender father you have no legal rights even though I am on the birth certificate. If we ever split, my wife would have total control because he is not biologically mine and the court recognizes that. In the event that we would want to split custody, we would have to involve the sperm donor as the court sees them as the actual father.

      • Suites · September 10, 2015

        Wow that’s crazy…I mean are there any documents you could get to protect you…you are investing time and money in the child. Like an adoption

      • Optimus Rye · September 10, 2015

        They recommend doing a legal adoption. Any time I have went to inquire about this with the court they just say unfortunately equality has not reached this point yet. With legal adoption you still have to involve the sperm donor since the court thinks they get first pick at rights.

      • Suites · September 10, 2015

        Geez…this is a rough life to choose to have and it’s not for the faint of heart I see…I will have my baby eventually…even if it means all that…I want my Lil Mini me

      • Optimus Rye · September 10, 2015

        It is definitely worth it to be with my little guy but sometimes the donors decide to be involved when they get a choice and all of the sudden you end up the third wheel. It really is rough.

      • Suites · September 10, 2015

        What do you mean

      • Suites · September 10, 2015

        What do you mean by they decide to get involved?

      • Optimus Rye · September 11, 2015

        Sometimes when guys donate sperm, they’re just doing it for money. When and if you go to court over a child between wife and transmen, court requires contact with the sperm donor. Because they are the “legitmate genetic father,” they are given the option to participate in the child’s life. It’s pretty fucked up. For me, I’ve been his financial and emotional caretaker his entire life but technically the sperm donor has more rights than me. If the donor declines their “right to father” than they can give their custody to you. If they decide to be in the child’s life, then you are no longer the “father” unless the mother allows you some of her time.

      • Suites · September 12, 2015

        Wow that’s crazy…thank you for your knowledge…at least I know what I’m getting into

      • Optimus Rye · September 14, 2015

        And that is all worst case scenerio. Having a baby has been the best experience for me and i know it will be for you too.

      • Suites · September 14, 2015

        Aww thanks

      • Suites · September 14, 2015

        Appreciate your advice?

  2. pennyformyblog · September 6, 2015

    My son is 15 – FTM….and these are my worries for his future..what you are feeling. But babies come to us in many ways…and it is about your love for your baby that matters. So if you have to adopt..adopt! We are dealt the cards we are dealt..and what we do with them is what counts! Keep an open mind and an open heart! Don’t give up!

    • Suites · September 7, 2015

      Thank you for your kind words. They are appreciated…I know there are many children already here on Earth who need to be taken care of. This is what helps me feel like I have some kind of purpose. It would be nice though to be able to have biological kids to have my little mini me. The feelings come and go you know.

      • pennyformyblog · September 7, 2015

        I understand it must be difficult. Wish you the best on your journey. And much happiness. It will all fall into place one day..and it will all make sense!

      • Suites · September 7, 2015

        Thank you…I wish the best for you and your son as well. Good luck on your journey.

  3. burnseleanor21 · September 7, 2015

    I think you are a more of a man and a human being than those who are born with these privileges, take them for granted, and abuse them… though I know how you feel. My husband and I are in much the same predicament. I really hope you are able to get the insurance for your surgery, as well.

    • Suites · September 7, 2015

      Thank you for your kind words and having empathy. Yes I hope this insurance plan comes. I wish the best for you and your husband as well. Good luck on your journey.

  4. beedubyou · September 7, 2015

    Not that will make the feelings go away, but remember there are cisguys who are incapable of reproduction. They go through the same feelings of is the kid really mine. I bring this up purely because at the end of the day the dad and man in their lives will be the one raising them and teaching them about life and you have a lot to teach.

    • Suites · September 7, 2015

      Yes I know…thank you for the sympathy.

  5. jvoor · September 24, 2015

    As a queer cis woman who is currently partnered with a cis queer woman I understand feeling the loss of genetic/biological offspring. As someone said above, and as a good friend said to me, children come to is in many ways, but that doesn’t completely ease that particular grief.

    I also wanted to comment on surgery and hormones. I don’t know exactly what you are talking about having, but if you are having a hysterectomy, you might consider keeping an ovary, if your doctor is willing and you would not have terrible dysphoria about that. This was a recommendation I heard from doctors at the gender odyssey conference in Seattle as it will give you some more options if you ever need to go off hormones for any reason–you won’t suffer the same ill effects like osteoporosis. I am not a doctor so don’t know all the details but remembered that advice and thought I would pass it along. I hope you don’t find it intrusive information/advice from a cis stranger!

    • Suites · September 25, 2015

      It’s possible to keep an ovary but I was told that it could become cancerous leading me to have surgery again…it’s a risk I’m not willing to take.

      • jvoor · September 25, 2015

        Ah, yeah, that is understandable.

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