Bringing the Blog Up To Speed…

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I was on a roll with this blog before school got so intense. I’ve been spending my time living life instead of dwelling in the digital. Right now, I have been doing well in school. I find myself actually excelling in the “world of academia”. I was very skeptical when I started due to the money I’d have to put out. I decided to head on back to my old CUNY school to keep costs as low as possible. I don’t plan on letting student loan debt become something that cramps my lifestyle by only taking out as much as I need. Next semester when I qualify for more aid, I’m going to save the grants in a bank account so that when I finish my first degree, I can buy my first property. Spending money to increase your future net worth is more then worth it. This all started with life giving me an answer through my long time friend and brother on the phone. I haven’t seen him in years but I know he meant well when he told me to go back to school. I’m so happy and blessed that I listened. I must say it has given me my mojo back. My self-esteem and spirit have grown immensely in the last couple of months. I feel strong and I’m learning my worth. I refuse to settle for subpar relationships and quality of life. I had a female contact me today feeling some type of way after being deleted a while back. I’m not looking for any more random friends on my page nor am I looking to waste my time. We messaged back and forth maybe twice before I didn’t get a response for days. I don’t chase after women like they are objects so that didn’t phase me. I used to get my confidence from outside of my being and I see that was the problem in itself. I have to love myself to get the authentic passion that I deserve. Rejection or failure in those things have taught me lessons that I should’ve learned but I’m starting to get now. Being a man is more then just the physical aspects. It’s an all around lifestyle being able to provide and lead for myself and my family on a daily basis. I’m very traditional when it comes to gender roles so I need a wife whose not afraid to be submissive but has a backbone not to put up with my bs. She has to be willing to mother and nurture my children while I work at least until they are of pre-school age. Then I could feel more at ease with letting them into the watchful eyes of a stranger.

I passed both the court officer and BTO exams while in the process for applying for more city tests. I’m very tempted to take the NYPD exam when they start to offer it again. I was explaining to a friend that I feel like I’d be going against some sort of inner code by taking that oath. It’s internalized oppression affecting my thoughts even though I know better than that. It’s a great stable job with benefits that I could use as a stepping stone to get to the next level in my life. It will all just require patience and chess like decision-making on my part. I need be able to fit my bottom surgery into all of this as well. I know that I wont be content until I can wake up and feel physically completely whole. I work everyday until I can revel in that feeling.

I do have my hysto pre-surgical appointment coming up so this is a step forward for my transition. This is something I’m going to have to do to be able to have the bottom surgical procedure that I want. You can read all about that here. Life has been giving me so much positive energy I’m guessing to balance out the extreme lows I’ve felt and right now I am content. I haven’t reached the plateau just yet but I will keep trying until I make it.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas Edison

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Unwavering Focus

 ”You pile up enough tomorrows, and you’ll find you are left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays.”- Harold Hill

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I have been really buckling down and getting my school work done. I like going to school as I am around other people with hopes and dreams like myself. I’ve met some pretty intelligent people the last couple of weeks. I do have one complaint about the public education system. I was in my communications class which I’m taking to better myself and my public speaking abilities. The class was selected by me because I was told it will help with my business presentation. I want to able to talk to people and sell houses and products. I expressed my entrepreneurial goals with her to be told “that’s not appropriate for the class”. She was training us to work for someone else.That turned me off for awhile and I began to zone out. “Is this really what she wants us to do?” As I listened to her resume, I knew I was talking to the wrong person about business mentoring. I told her it could be her way now but when I leave that class I’m doing me. I really wanted to take an entrepreneur class but I would need to change my major again. I just went into legal studies this semester so I have to focus on that. After I get this degree then I can go back and take the class. I’m planning on becoming a real estate paralegal so I can learn the legal aspects of owning property and use this to my advantage. The more knowledge I have the better.

In terms of today, I’m feeling good now. I wasn’t having the best morning so I went out and blew off some steam. I worked out so I’m feeling strong. I ran into a cool guy I know on his way to an interview and it gave me so much positive energy. I love people who are hustlers and hard workers. It kept me from getting lazy today. I did some quick work at the library on my cover letter and watched a real estate webinar titled “8 FREE/Dirt cheap marketing strategies to get motivated sellers calling you to sell their homes at a DEEP discount” by Nick Ruiz which you can find here. I learned quite a bit on how to do these deals and signed up for another on Thursday night. Im on the letter “p” so far in the real estate index so I’m working to realize my dream of financial freedom. I want an 8 figure net worth. I’m focused and looking to make my next move.
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Dysphoria

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I had to take a break from all that homework. Geez I forgot the workload associated with full time college work. Last semester I was working while going part time till I was laid off. That was the ultimate game changer right there. I decided to myself that I have to work towards being my own boss. In between all of this I am looking for any means to getting my bottom surgery done. I NEED IT NOW! I think about it every day no lie. Its hard for most people I know to fully understand because well it’s not an everyday issue for the “average person”. When I go to the bathroom I’m comfortable with my presentation. It’s the thoughts of “what if I leak today or drop the packer?” That always seem to cross my mind. Intimacy is a story in itself. I want to feel a woman. I have been talking to my cisgender male friends about stuff I should look forward to and I’m looking to dive right in something. I hope to be in a relationship by the time I have my bottom surgery so I can just jump in full speed ahead. I am already set in going to Dr. Crane in California. He is opening up a new spot in Dallas as well so I’ll fly there if need be. I know I need insurance to go see him as the procedure can go well over $100,000 for all of the stages plus the erectile device. My original post about my expectations of this surgery can be found here. I plan on using an AMS Spectra because I’ll be able to pump up when needed and deflate during business hours. That would help my mental state immensely. I’ve read in places that the pump was for older guys and thought that was so until I went to the Philly Conference. The men who have the pump say its great for rigorous action and can last a long time. If anything, I could switch out and get a mallable rod later if I wear out the device too fast. With the rod it can be hard to tame your bits as you will always be semi hard. I know having the rod is not an issue for me because I know how to pack but this is not my preference at this time.

I know there will always be internal issues for me because of “limitations” I’ll have even after surgery. It’s how you deal with the cards you have been dealt but it can be downright depressing sometimes. I want to get a girl pregnant. I’ve really been wanting kids lately. This may be that “biological clock” going off in my head and it’s hard to ignore. I want my little mini me already! I’m mentally ready but not financially. I can’t procreate but I can discipline. I’m looking to pursue adoption if I’m not in a relationship after surgery. I know that’s extremely hard to do being single but its possible so I will try. I know I’ll be a great father if not a good husband to a woman out there whose willing to accept all my baggage. I’m emotional at times and I like attention. I’ve been heartbroken and it’s hard for me to trust. I go through my moments of weakness and would like it if I had a partner who could pick up the pieces. My highs and lows fluctuate with these hormones at times. She needs to be my biggest cheerleader when I don’t believe in myself. I consider myself to be a strong black male and I’m content with being solo but I’m human. I get weak sometimes. Sighs I’m off to go do some retail therapy. I’m sure that will help bring my self esteem up.

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Riding The Wave

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I’m just listening to my share of soft music today. “95 Like Dat” by Tyga was on repeat like it has been for the last week. It samples from “Hey Lover” by LL Cool another favorite of mine when I’m having a “lightskin” moment. This is when I’m looking to just to lay up with a woman, rub her body down and travel to places we’ve never been with our minds and bodies. Enjoying the tender and soft caress of a real lady. Eye contact and confidence is extremely important while the intensity is rising. Till the sudden crash as we both hold on tight and ride the wave together until it settles. I swear a woman can turn my mind out. Especially the thick ladies nowadays. I can’t explain my love for a woman with a lil’ extra cushion. As long as you classy with it though.

My aura and energy has been so much lighter with my new found conditions. It feels like so much pressure has been relieved. It’s just confusing because I think I know for sure what I want but I’m going to test the waters a bit with this lifestyle. We shall see what life has in store for me.

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Where Did Suites Go?

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I’ve never had many issues with T-Mobile but I was pissed with them last night. I had no service in my house for 12 hours. You want to talk about upset? I usually write my blogs and check Facebook/Instagram on my cell phone because it’s just easier to maintain for me so you know I was tight. As they said when I called today, I have been a loyal customer for some years now. So to rectify the situation, they gave me 7 extra days on my bill cycle. I’m quite satisfied with the customer service today as the young lady did everything she could to help me. As someone who is looking to operate their own business in the future, I know things like this cause a loss to their profits but I’m sure it won’t hurt them long term.

I have made some new friends in the last couple of days. It feels very refreshing to have people who are goal oriented to talk too. It has uplifted my spirit in a lot of ways. When I talk to people who bring fresh ideas and dreams of their own, it energizes my batteries to want to progress. I was worried about miniscule issues but I am no longer. I need to focus on my career and business goals. Those things can buy me freedom. I know as long as I prosper in those places in my life, love will thrive when it is supposed too. The things I’m worried about also don’t make any sense. I’m not going to allow myself to get in my feelings over little things that don’t matter. I’ve realized those things are distractions to keep me away from my destiny. The devil will not stand in my way with his barriers to my paradise. This will be one of my shorter post because I’m dedicating today to making a dent in this real estate index. I hope everyone has a good week.

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Random Thoughts

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Today was a pretty interesting day. I went outside with plans to just go return books to the library and ran into an old friend. We went food shopping and I learned a couple of Snapple facts. I try to make every experience in life a learning one. I feel everyday something can be absorbed into the knowledge department. We then dipped out to the library where I found absolutely no books on real estate navigation. So I took out a licensing examination guide to learn about being a salesperson, broker and appraiser. I am not sure what anyone of them do but I will learn. I also found a couple books on investment and took out “The Warren Buffet Explanation of Stock Portfolio” book. The lady at the reference desk had no idea who he was! I was in complete shock.

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How could you not know one of the richest men in the world who is a revolutionary in picking good investments?  Its like he has a killer instinct in those matters. I feel reading the books of great entrepreneurs , I will absorb their aura and demeanor to become very wealthy. Donald Trump is someone else who I will follow in terms of real estate information. I plan on going to the bigger library for more detailed real estate niches. I want to learn how to wholesale and sell multifamily complexes.

On my way home I saw a childhood friend in the store. We ended up linking up for a bit and paid “Mary Jane” a visit. It’s cool to just sit around and have man time with the guys. Talking about all kinds of things including women. I’ve become more infatuated with females as my physical identity shifted completely to male. I have never had any homosexual feelings whatsoever while taking testosterone. I appreciate the female body in all shapes and sizes. It’s just not for me to have for myself. Life makes me look forward to having my bottom surgery so I can really enjoy my sex life with my future boo. I love what I have so far in that department but I know it would be better without that damn attachment. I find moments of impatience run up on me at the most random times. I get anxious to get my bottom surgery done then depression sets in because I’ve done all that I could for the moment. I have my hysterectomy set up in the next couple of months and it can’t come soon enough. I will be rid of all female hormones and I hope for more changes in the voice and hip department. I’ve heard of this happening for guys and I hope this trend continues for me.

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Vanquishing My Fears

“Never do or refrain from doing something because you are concerned with what people might think about you. The fact is that nobody is even thinking about you at all”-Brian Tracy

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I was on the BiggerPockets Real Estate Social Network today and stumbled upon the quote above. Immediately I felt like there is a higher power involved in aspects of my life. The blog I was reading spoke about embracing fear and using it to propel yourself forward. Fear is what makes all of us human but I like to now use my energy to fuel my inner animal. I feel like a beast whenever I go out. I lock eye contact with people when they talk. I am not afraid to speak my mind when I feel like it. I am learning to take the bull by the horns and man up. People will not just give you respect, it must be earned. I am trying not to breach the barrier of confidence into just being a complete asshole. I feel I will learn the difference in time so I won’t kick myself to much if I make some mistakes along the way.

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The Fear of Loneliness

I was raised as an only child so I spent a lot of time with myself. For that reason I am able to cope with loneliness in a productive way. I would use my imagination and come up with whole movie scenarios with all my toys. It was an amazing experience to have the time, space and safety to explore my mind. I did always ask for a sibling but it never happened. My dad was always a big kid anyway so I would go out with him bike riding around the neighborhood. I will always have a sense of gratitude for him being around. When mom wasn’t home it would be me and him playing the video and board games together. I did not realize how quiet this house could be without him. I hid most of my feelings of loneliness behind my consumption of marijuana and having snakes around me after he passed. Now I don’t budge as easily to the feeling any longer. I fill my time with reading more information on real estate and on here blogging. Just like stated here in my last post “Time Drainers”, I am starting to use my time like I would my money. I choose to very frugal with both because I don’t know the future in terms of my income. So that means I am alone most of the time nowadays. It’s just me and my thoughts of having an enterprise for real. I want to get my life together so I can only worry about my emotional issues.
Right now the temporary feelings of loneliness could be squandered with a quick trip to the bank to diversify my portfolio. Maybe a trip to the Islands of the French Polynesia will help heal my spirit.

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This place is truly breathtaking from the pictures. I can only imagine the moment when I’m feeling the fresh air hitting my face while floating in the majestic waters. All of this can come to pass if I learn to work with my inner energy to promote growth from within myself. I have to make it happen for not just myself but for my mother and future generations. I will not stand with people who are not completely with me any longer because I am afraid of my own thoughts and emotions. There is no reason to hide from the monster. I like to face my demons head on nowadays. After the demon sees you’re not afraid, It disappears.

“Loneliness is no longer a fear of mine…I consider it Peace of Mind”-Suites

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Road to Financial Freedom

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What I am looking for out of life is freedom. I long to get out of the rat race long before I get trapped into it. I am currently a legal studies major in college and I see that I really like the profession so far. I have been pondering on a bachelors degree with this program. With this career under my belt I plan to snag me a high paying job out of college. The question is “when will I be complete? I am in limbo with the court officer position hanging right in front of me. I want to use my major as leverage to get into the position. While I am young, I don’t mind having to be more hands on with criminal or family court. But as I get older I want the seven figure money. Taking the court officer job would mean going to school part time. This would delay my degree milestone but it would pay hella good. I am going to look into tuition reimbursement options with the court. Law school may actually be in the cards for me. I want to bust my ass in order for my family to have options in terms of everything. The sky will be the limit for us all while I do my thing.

What I am really interested in right now is real estate investing. In my spare time I have been studying this specialty and finding it is a lot more complicated then I initially thought. It is not something that would deter me from getting into it but I plan on doing a whole lot of prep work before I come out of my pocket. So far I have joined a real estate network here at BiggerPockets. I have been reading the free ebook on the website to familiarize myself with new terms and the lingo that I will have to learn to become an investor. I see the point of it so far is to “buy low and sell high”. I want to build my portfolio with multifamily properties in which I can live in and/or rent out the remaining spaces to prospective tenants. I would like to eventually buy the apartment complex that I currently live in but then again maybe not. I have also been learning how to choose property and how much a location can really matter to how fast you can fill your vacancies. I would consider this a class D neighborhood and an investment with constant money coming out of my pocket. It’s all a dream right now that I will manifest into reality.

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Baby Making

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I was forced to feel my inadequecy again today as a friend of mine will be an aunt again. She joked “I want my baby” and it set off a series of emotions that I have no control over. Jealously, sadness and other feelings swept through me all at once. I can’t and never will be able to father my own children.

It makes me feel guilty sometimes when I have sex. God is a source that I’m not sure I believe in yet but its deeply embedded in my being from birth. The teaching of the Bible itself can be hard to shake. Not only do I not have sex for procreation, I am pulling someone deeper into a bond with me everytime we are intimate with each other.

It is also mixed with feelings of envy as she is a cisgender female. She can go into any relationship without explanation and play “her role” in society. One of those roles is to bear children. I on the other hand in a few months will be completely sterile for the rest of my life. I will also be stuck on hormones indefinitely. In order for nasty things not to happen including osteoporosis, I’ll have to inject either testosterone or estrogen into my body because your body needs a hormone present to function properly.

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Anyway I will not be able to get a girl pregnant the good ol’ fashioned way. We will either have to adopt, get foster children or deal with artificial insemination. Neither of the 3 sound fun to me but I have no choice here. This is the only way I will become a father. A girl can say “it’s OK” till her lips fall off but I still feel very inadequate as a man.

I can the solve the “lack of a physical penis” issue through surgery but this will take time and a lot of patience. You can see what I want from this surgery here. I hope to have some kind of insurance come through with one of these jobs I’m applying for so the procedure can be paid for in full. I would like to have my bottom surgery before I’m 30 so I can enjoy some of my youth the way I would want to without back pain.

Sighs the roller coaster never ends…

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Emotional Baggage

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I haven’t been sleeping well. My mind always seems to be “clicking” as my mom calls it. I can’t turn my brain off lately. I haven’t really had dreams either. There’s something deep rooted into my being and I’m not sure what it is. I know I miss my dad to the max right now as his birthday inches closer and as I feel lonelier. It’s so surreal that his birthday is 2 weeks before my own so it can be hard to celebrate. I’m not saying that I haven’t enjoyed myself for my day I just go through my grieving process every year. I just imagine what he would say to me if he was still around. If he would be proud of me for what I’ve accomplished in my life. I also wonder if he would accept my transition. I’ve had this conversation with myself a lot lately. I look in the mirror and I can see him everyday. It’s so hard not to just break down into tears when I think about him because it doesn’t get any easier. I haven’t cried this year as of yet but I can feel it coming. The pain never really leaves at least in my case. My father had HIV/AIDS for the duration of my childhood. My parents had always been honest with me about his status and I appreciate that so much. It is one of the things that has saved my life when it comes to my own life of intimacy because I’m extra paranoid about who I get into the bed with. On my summer days I would go with him to his doctors appointments to be there for him and to learn. I also became affliated with the AIDS Center of Queens County or ACQC to brush up on my knowledge of the disease. We did a lot of peer education and outreach to educate others. I would watch him take so many pills everyday on top of his Ensure diet to try and keep his weight. It got to the point where he couldn’t walk without the use of a walker. I watched the disease slowly take my father away from me. This was heart breaking as my dad was one of the most active people I knew growing up. He took me to many different places. I remember our trip to the Statue of Liberty where we walked up all the steps to the Crown. He also took my mom and I to Disney World/Universal Studios where I had the time of my life. He could be such a big kid at times lol. He was a damn good father even though he had his human flaws. I’ll never forget the day he passed.

It was May 2006 and I was a high school senior riding the wave. My grades were average at best because I felt the need at that time to coast. My mom went with him to the doctor while I went to school. My dad was about to be admitted to the hospital for some reason but he refused to stay. He used to hate staying in hospitals so when they tried to admit him I believe he signed himself out. My mom bought him home where he went to sleep pretty peacefully. He woke up in pain in the nighttime hours as he couldn’t void without the use of a catheter for some reason. I recall taking a cab to the hospital where I saw them stabilize him and saw the smile come across his face. My mom and I stayed with him till the sun came up on May 4th. That night we talked about many things including how much he appreciated us being there for him. My so called half siblings never did a thing to help him out when things went downhill. I remember turning around and looking at him before leaving him that day. That was the last time I saw him alive. I had a final that day in English class which I was excused from with a phone call to the school by my mom. I came home and went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later to my house phone ringing off the hook. I assumed it to be bill collectors so I didn’t answer the phone. I heard my mom scream out when she eventually answered the phone. I went upstairs to hear “He’s gone… Dad’s gone”. I still remember that feeling that went over me after hearing those words. I was in disbelief and didn’t cry until well after his death. I called my then girlfriend at the time to come after the test so we could talk about his passing in person. I know she took it rough. She was very close to my father. We then went up to the hospital to see him. I didn’t know how to feel. I sat there and rubbed his head for a bit and held his hand. He was so cold. He was known to be such a joker so I felt he would just pop up with “April Fools” just to play with our emotions but he didnt. He was gone and I would have to move forward in my life without him. So far I feel I have coped very well with his untimely passing but then again I haven’t.
 
I never felt I could compare to him with all of the things that he knew and did in his short life. He owned a bar and was an Electrical Engineer by the time he was 30. Me on the other hand, I’ve been struggling to find some sort of stability in my life and I’m only a few short years from this milestone. It makes me feel little sometimes. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but I feel it keeps me motivated to do better. I’ve been reading a lot of real estate blogs and watched a webinar on how to invest while working full time. I hope to use some of these tips to give me financial freedom. I know it won’t happen overnight but I will be successful. My dream is to name a building in his honor and to donate money to HIV/AIDS research so no one else has to lose their loved one to this disease. That would hopefully put my heart and soul at peace.

I Love You Dad Forever
May you Rest in Peace
October 16, 1953- May 4, 2006

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