NYC Heatwave

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Wow! I went outside and already sweated out my t shirt smh. I am not complaining as the summer here is short. Next thing you know we will be in the midst of winter looking for the sun to come out and bless us with some heat.

I have just become fond of summer the last few years. Especially as my confidence increases , I don’t mind being half naked outside. I weighed myself expecting a disaster as I have not been working out during my healing process. I have stayed the same weight . I noticed loss of muscle mass but I can’t stress that. I’ll be back!

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Empty…

I haven’t been honest with myself lately when it comes to my emotions and life. I’m not happy and I haven’t been for some time. It’s real easy to put up the facade but I am not happy. I feel empty inside when it comes to many aspects of my life but I’m not sure how to go about changing it. I just hope to find my answer soon. I feel I am in the wrong place in my life. I have been thinking of my past a lot. It’s something about the past that I felt more content and in control but not really. I feel more at peace with myself physically right now but not with my emotions or mental state. I look forward to when school starts to move forward into my future. I should be about 7 weeks into my healing as well so I will be working out my upper body a lot. Sighs look forward to my stress reliever when I come back to it soon.

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Gender Corrective Surgery: My Thoughts, Feelings and Everything Else

Lately I have been reading material that usually put a negative tone on genital surgery for men of transgender experience. I thought that surgery would leave me with an “insensate, floppy sausage” when I first started to research transgender material. As I grew wiser, I knew that the life that I have always seen for myself is possible. There are two procedures I am aware of that are available to transgender males along with variations to the procedures. The first procedure I learned about in 2011 was the metoidioplasty. My penis would be sculpted with the phallus that I have grown with the help of testosterone. The first two blogs I ever read contained information regarding it as they had the procedure done and dealt personally with Dr. Miro. The links to those websites can be found here and here. There were other doctors I found but what was consistent with him was his bedside manner and staff. I have heard nothing but good things about the way they try to accommodate you when you come in from other countries. Also he has done many of these procedures and I just felt comfortable with the idea of the surgery. It was the less invasive option and took less healing time. I was pretty keen on this for awhile as I learned I could get rid of the bits I have right now. With the exception I would most likely end up with no bulge in my pants and not be able to have penetrative sex without the use of certain positions and attachments. I have went back and forth with the idea of getting this procedure or not just to relieve some of the dysphoria that I have but that would mean more healing, time and money then I want to have to spend. So I began to look for other options and found out about phalloplasty.

Phalloplasty for men of transgender experience consists of taking tissue from your body to form a neophallus. You could use a variety of places including the RF(radial forearm), ALT(anterior lateral thigh), MLD(musculocutaneous latissimus dorsi) and a multitude of other flaps. These are the main ones that I have researched and looked into. When I found this procedure I knew, I could finally be able to have the body I always wanted. For myself I prefer to get the ALT procedure based on my wants and needs from the surgery. I have always been told to make a list and think about what you cannot live without. My wants and needs are as follows:

Wants/Needs

SENSATION!

Size

Penetrative Ability

Peeing standing up

Glans Sculpting

Balls

Hidden donor sight scar

My wants and needs are the same. I couldn’t budge when I thought “what can I live without?”.  Sensation is very important to me and I was told the RF procedure is the “gold standard” when is comes to functionality but the ALT is my top choice. This is due to the flap coming from the thigh area which I cover anyway. I do not plan on ever wearing a speedo so no one on the street would ever see it. This lead to me doing more research on surgeons and I found out about Dr.Crane. I found he had done his fellowship with Dr. Miro and other surgeons who could give me what I need. He does all of these procedures and more. I was instantly drawn to him and have seen his results. I believe they are phenomenal and I look forward to being able to go to him soon. I am in school at the moment but have taken city exams to find employment that will cover the procedure in full.  I met him at the Philly Conference and told him I look forward to working with him. He looked forward to working with me to attain my goals.

I can only imagine life after the procedure. I hopefully will be in a place of peace at least when it comes to my identity as a person. One thing that I have been told is that “life won’t give you more then you can handle”. These are the type of things I think daily to get me through my day. I hope this can help someone else.

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“Pain is weakness leaving the body”

So yesterday I had to cane my way to my school. It was the funniest thing in my mind to “run” for the bus. I moved as fast as I could with the cane in my right hand to catch that bus and I got it. I went to my school and got the signatures needed to continue my money flow. I also got to look at my unofficial transcript and saw that my major has been officially changed to Legal Studies. I’m very excited to get started in my new career. I want to be a “jack of all trades” so to speak as I have electrical skills and now i’m adding legal to that. I finally got a new phone that also doesn’t shut off when it gets over heated and works well. Samsung has always treated me well. So I’m very happy about that.

I finally took my t injection after almost 3 weeks off. I forget sometimes nowadays but consider it a necessary evil. I’ll try and stay on point so I don’t mess with my levels. I was skeptical about injecting into my hurt leg but it has been healing pretty well. Every time I feel pain I think about how much of a beast I will be when I get better. No side effects of the t so far. Life is straight. I can’ t complain.

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“When Bad Things Happen, Something Better Always Returns in its Place…”

I am so happy I called my mother this morning. She didn’t know I was actually feeling very low when I called and what she said to me was exactly what I needed to hear. I will try to keep the above title in mind as my leg heals slowly but surely. I had what was described to be a patella dislocation. I was on the workout machine and all I heard was a pop followed by extreme pain in my leg. When I was able to relax and not panic the pain subsided. I was able to move my gym shorts to the side to see my knee cap pointing out the side of my leg. I was immediately disappointed in myself because I knew I should have been wearing my knee brace. I also should have not tried to workout so hard without adequate rest. I have learned my lesson and plan on heading to the doctor tomorrow. It is extremely disheartening to know I will most likely not be able to go in with my workouts for some months to come but I still have an income so I can’t complain in that aspect.

I have also had moments lately where I miss my father. It is still weird when the house is so quiet and I don’t hear him fumbling around. You really do not realize how much life someone can bring to an environment till they are suddenly no longer around. He really left a mark on my life and I can’t do anything but appreciate his help through it all. I will continue to miss him everyday of my life. The pain never really goes away at least I feel when it comes to losing someone who meant a lot to you like he did to me. I have just learned to deal with the pain the best way I can by moving forward and being a productive member of society.

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Saving a Penny for Myself for Once…

I took a day off in between my writing just to get myself together and be a little selfish. My leg has been a really big downer for me. I really hate the fact that I can’t go hard like I want to without pain. I tried to carry my laundry up the steps and had to deal with my leg being sore for hours because of it. I can blame no one but myself for going to fast. I have also been dealing with a lot of internal struggle as I now have the time to deal with my emotions and everything hit me in the face. I have immersed myself in a little cocoon for awhile till I can get back on my feet physically and mentally. I have always been so stuck on everyone else’s feelings and not my own that I never put myself first but not any longer. I am my own man and I can deal with the consequences of my actions but its hard when everyday it is something else. It’s like the little things add up into a big pile of crap that seems too much to handle sometimes. I will get my emotions together though. It will just take me time. I always try to be the positive guy or always try to be understanding.

When can I be an asshole?

I refuse to be a stepping stool. I feel I’ve always tried to take the high road in a lot of things but that takes so much energy. I end up with none for myself and it started to take a toll on me. Life has told me to slow down and find a positive path for yourself. Be a man about your stuff.

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Love at First Click? My Long Distance Relationship Lightly Debunked

I do not plan to really get to deep about my personal relationships with people in my life on this blog. I do want to explain how I deal with my Long Distance Relationship. Yes I am in one with a very special woman who will remain nameless on this blog. She will be called L for privacy purposes.

I can tell you at first I was very skeptical of this type of dating as I have heard horror stories of “fetishers and perverts” who lurk on many websites for people of transgender experience. I was very open to just finding a nice girl to talk to and maybe even kick it with in my first summer of being single in a long time. I spoke to people like myself who were looking for love and I was told to try websites like Plenty of Fish and Match to name a couple but I was not interested in making a dating profile. So I turned to Facebook and started to search for ftm groups to see what others suggested. I ran into a closed group for guys like myself and people who admired them and I joined. I started to play the daily games that they had and read many of the heated post during the day about trans and life issues. Then I found her. I saw this girl who would always be the “troublemaker”  or otherwise person in the group who didn’t always agree with what everyone was saying type of chick. I saw her beautiful smile on the tiny icon on my phone and added her as a friend. I swore her profile said ‘Born in Brooklyn‘ until under closer examination, I found her to live in a completely different state. We started to chat on a daily basis and we were vibing pretty good so her distance was not really a factor in the beginning. As it would seem life seemed to have set this up , puzzle pieces fit together along the way. She has family who live in my neighborhood so we were able to meet up and the rest is history. Fast forward hours of phone conversations, web chats and personal visits, we are now after a year of time in a full blown relationship. Many people quickly say “oh I couldn’t possibly do that” or “What about insert need or want here“. Negativity usually follows in the  conversation when it comes to something like this but it never phases me. I was pretty open to change at that point in my life so I decided to move forward with dating. I jumped headfirst into this as I have never met anyone who had ever done this.

How does something like this work?

Here are some things that we have incorporated into our relationship that has so far kept us afloat:

Communication

Whenever there is an issue, we talk about it. If that means we argue so be it. We live to fight another day. As long as we are still in a relationship that’s all that matters. We also talk a lot on the phone. It is a good way to build trust because you need a hell of a lot of that in order to make it through the day. The website  Loving from a Distance  really helped a lot in terms of advice and things to spice it up.

Bonding Activities

Sleeping on the phone every night and playing games while video chatting are ways we create memories with each other. It has been one of staples of our relationship

Sex

This is usually the main issue i hear people complain about the most. “How do you not cheat? Well if you really care about someone and their feelings you won’t stray. You will learn other ways to deal. I have read about people who use the video chat to do many a things. Technology can be a great resource nowadays to keeping your junk in the trunk and keeping yourself safe. I used Hoocymail a lot in the beginning of our relationship. I learned to use my imagination to make it work.

So far everything is going well. I can only leave the rest to life to control for me. I hope and wish for the best in my life just like everyone else. All you can do is have faith. I do miss my girlfriend but I keep myself busy working out and getting my life together to help pass the time until we see each other. Keeping my cool and taking life a day at a time helps me with my own problems and relationships with people in my life.

If anyone has any more ideas or tips for long distance relationships, I am all ears to what you have to say because improvements can always be made.

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