Feeling Like Ish…

I do not know what I came down with but it is making me feel terrible right now. My whole body feels like crap. My head hurts from coughing so much. My asthma is kicking my ass today but I know it is only temporary. I will feel better in a couple of days. I just wish that it was right now smh. I had to call out of work I feel so bad. I love Thursdays. It is my shortest day but my body is not cooperating with me at all.  All day I been feeling like I am breathing through a straw. Aww man Guys please pray for me.  I feel like I am dying right now for real. If I do not make it at least I have this blog to tell my gf how I feel. Baby I love you so much. I really do not know what I would do without you. Thanks for everything. Mom I also love you as well. You have been the best ever when it comes to being there for me through everything. I am out. I am going to lay down and try to sleep if possible.

No More Questioning

If I had any question as to whether I wanted to transition or not those doubts have sure went away with the coming of that dreadful “time of the month.” I am going to leave all of this questioning and irrational thinking to the hormones coursing through my body and I cannot wait to get my first T shot. That will be the first step I take towards getting my mind aligned with my body. The next step is figuring out how to get that penis I always wanted. I am getting turned off more by the day with the options that transmen have at the moment with bottom surgery. I want a penis that can get hard when sexually stimulated or just morning wood. I want to be able to ejaculate inside my wife. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be satisfied with anything that has to do with this transition process. Life could not possibly be any more worse at this time. I feel depressed and just down when it comes to my body. I hate to look at myself sometimes. I have been told that I am a decent looking person but I have never believed it. I still don’t to be honest. Maybe I am just being a bit negative with everything I am saying but it is hard sometimes to be positive in this world full of hatred. Maybe I do not want to be a man or a woman. I know though that I want to be percieved as a male though. If I had to choose, being seen as a girl is not for me. I do not like to get hit on by straight men who think they are going to “turn” me back to being a heterosexual when I have always felt like one in the first place but just in a different concept. I have always been a guy on the inside. I do not want to sleep with guys. I am in love with the female body for it’s curves and softness. For it’s sexyness and seduction is unlike anything some man can give me. I am in love with females but do not want to be one myself. I know for a fact I would love to be able to feel some tight pussy wrapped around my penis (if I had one smh). I would love for a woman to ride me until I nut inside her…I would penetrate her nice and deep till I fill up her walls and she can do nothing but scream to the top of her lungs…WOW! That sounds so sexy….Am I to much of a pervert for always thinking of sex? Maybe that’s the man in me talking lol.

I love sex…Anything to do with sex (with women) and it is always on my mind but I mean hey it feels good and it can be something that can change up your whole day into something positive. I mean maybe it is my gf who just makes me so addicted to the pussy that I can’t get enough. Yea I still have my wifey by my side. I love her and she is the best. She has done nothing but be there for me in my hard times. This girl is a baller for real and I can respect that. I want to be just like her when I grow up lol. As I watch her sleep though I wonder if she is thinking of me or is she caught up in the dream world and living out some fantasy that the universe wants her to see. I always wonder if she feels the same for me but then she does something crazy out of the ordinary and just makes all those doubts go away. Sighs…marriage may still be in the near future for me. After I transition legally I can get married to her. I can’t let her go…I REFUSE TO! I refuse to let some other guy or girl come scoop up one of the last good females left out there and I lose out to stupidity. HMMPH!!! I am not going to be one of those guys living who look back and want to smack myself in the face for losing such a great girl to arrogance. Well it is really early in the morning 3:57 to be exact and I am on here writing. I guess you never know when you will have the inspiration to write something from the heart. It has to do with the truth coming from my soul. I really feel like I am a man on the inside of this female body who is afraid to become who he really is due to the world’s biases and prejudice. A man who wants a real penis and not a piece of skin grafted from somewhere else to make it look legit. I do not want the bootleg. I want the real thing! Life can really be a bitch sometimes since I can’t get what I want. It is not possible at the moment. Hopefully when I am ready to pursue bottom surgery there will be an option out there for me to be satisfied with. I do not want to risk doing any kind of surgery till then because I am afraid I will miss out on any chance that I will have if I try to jump to soon. Well I am off this to lay up with my wife. Hopefully she will be my wife soon.


I can be a very nice person. Nice in fact to the point where my own girlfriend can slime me in front of my face. I have been starting to question our relationship because she may not be mature enough or honestly I am not sure whats wrong. It’s like she doesn’t think about me when she is making decisions or doing stuff. It takes for me to get upset or just be slime for her to notice. I have been thinking about a break from her and just doing me for awhile. I want to flirt and talk to other women but I don’t just to please her and I can’t even get the same. I am trying so hard not to go back to my old ways with women. I do not want to taint this relationship anymore then I have but with all the arguing and stuff that has been going on I can’t help but notice things in her that I do not want in a wife. I am noticing things I didn’t peep before.  She is a good girl no doubt but I am definitely second guessing her. The money and stuff she gives me does not compare to the little things. I just told her last night some crazy shit was going on in my head and she pull some shit like she did today hmmph. Time to add another day to my list of days where girls have slimed me hard SMMFH! I am going to be starting to turn over a new leaf I guess this is what I need. I need to slow down and stop with the irrational thinking of marriage and such. I am going to fast. I need to get to know her more then I know her now so I can see if she is marriage material. I have always hoped she would be the one I marry but I already look at her in an iffy kind of way so I am not so sure anymore. Life is to short to dwell that’s why I wrote this posting. I needed to vent to myself in my personal space. If I ever feel she isn’t the one for me for good imma end it because why waste both of our time if I am not going to marry you? I want to be in a relationship with my dream girl right now. Don’t really seem like I am at the moment but we shall see.

Shit is not fair is this relationship at all I notice it a lot and I just been pushing shit to the side but is whatever I guess. All these damn woman are the same. They will slime you in some kind of way it seems shit is real.

-Everything in the darkness always comes to light


Cant Stop Thinking!

I did not even start to transition yet but I have been thinking about having a penis nonstop. Whenever my girlfriend and I get down I think of how it would feel like one day to just be able to whip it out and do the do. My girlfriend tells me that anysize would be fine to her as long as its my penis but I NEED to have AT LEAST 5 to 6 inches in order for me to be satisfied.

If I am to ever go into the dating world again I want to have a very passable penis. Now I am not going to be trying to deceive anyone with what I got but I will only disclose if I have to. I would like to be just like any other guy. Being trans could be a complication in a relationship because of the lack of kids but a one night stand for instance, why even bother to tell? As long as I get an MLD phallo I should be fine. But how long do you have to wait till you have sex? I also wonder how long it would also take for the sensation to come back? Hmm if I find out I will let you guys know. Thanks for visiting my blog.

What I Need From Bottom Surgery…

I actually sat and wrote a list of what I do and do not want from bottom surgery along with what is negotiable. This can vary based on the surgeon, the procedure they do, the location, cost, and time I have available for the surgery. I’m really open minded with the price because I will save whatever possible to get what I want. to be able to look down at my genitals and be very happy with what I see will bring me so much comfort. I want to also fill my gf up in a way no other guy has (well at least I will try!). Anyway I’m going to sum up the things that I NEED out of bottom surgery.

I need to be able to penetrate the pussy so to speak lol. I want to be able to enter my gf. I need to be able to FEEL the inside of the pussy when I am entering it. I feel like I might as well stick to my strap on if I am not going to be able to the have sensation capability. I need girth because the thickness of it matters. I don’t want a real skinny penis. I need at least 5 to 6 inches when I” finish” with fine tuning my penis. I plan on pumping to help with making my penis strong because it is a muscle. The final thing I need is erection capability. When I am out and I wanna have a little quickie on the go if that ever happens I want to be able to “be prepared at any time” if you get my drift.

What I feel is negotiable is the ability to stand to pee. Due to the high complication rate of lengthening the urethra,l I really don’t want to mess up anything that has to do with my bladder lol. I also do not need testicular implants. I have the option on what I want my body to look like and big balls really do not appeal to me. Just balls in general i’m not so sure about. The option of also getting just a clitoral release is on my mind as well. I will most likely have to pump away if I go down this road but it’s not to far fetched for me. To leave the clitoris sticking out and the end of the penis if I get a phallo is also an option. Glansplasty is just extra but If im not satisfied with the uncircumsized look I will do what I have to do and get this procedure done.

Now what is absolutely unacceptable is skin grafts from my forearm or abs. I do not want to go down that road of possibly having bad scars on my forearm or my abs. It is just something I am not going to budge on. I am pretty sure there will be more things I will not even think twice about but until then I am pretty sure what I want.

Metoidioplasty or MLD Phallo are the options I am looking into at the moment and combined they would fit my needs perfectly but this wouldn’t be Planet Earth if things were perfect for us all. I will keep thinking this over until I am actually on an operating table getting the surgery. I am not getting bottom surgery for a while so most likely new techniques and such will come out by the time I get it so all this info may be invalid and change but oh well it is what it is.


So lately I have been having second guesses about T. I am so glad that my appointment isn’t now till June 10th that I could potentially start taking testosterone. I feel I needed this new found time to think more into pumping myself full of artificial chemicals so to speak. It is not my hormones in my body naturally so these are considered foriegn to me, and it could potentially have bad side effects. Now T will potentially make me stronger, give me a more masculine appearance and make my dick bigger (yea I said MY DICK SO WHAT!). The downside is the crazy hair growth on the body and the potential for male pattern baldness. This is what I am afraid of. I do not want to lose my hair. It is a symbol of me and it makes me different. A lot of people dont do the braid thing anymore so I feel different by still having hair and my baby keeps it fresh. I would hate for the hair braiding ritual to end. I love the way she runs her fingers through my hair even if sometimes I can be really tender headed. That means in case anyone doesn’t know that my scalp can be really sensitive to tugging and pulling on it. But I want a penis so honestly the hair can go bye bye for all I care.

I just want to get bottom surgery in the next 5 -10 years. I can only imagine what my penis would look like after maybe 5 years on T and after whatever surgery I choose to have. I plan on starting to pump (if I still continue down the road of T) as soon as humanly possible. I hope to have my girlfriend help me pump as well ;-). I hope that can make the experience a bit more fun for me because I heard that sometimes to pump can leave you a bit sore if you do it to hard or try to put to much pressure on your penis. I am a work in progress and I cant wait to see how everything turns out. I want my penis to be able to get erect on its own and want a 5 to 6 inch penis. This leaves me with the option of getting a metoidioplasty.

This procedure according to Hudson’s Guide takes advantage of your penis growth due to the the testosterone. Now I don’t want to have skins grafts done sculpted off of me like with phalloplasty so this the procedure I am most looking into. Now pumping should help with the size and help me to achieve a more natural thicker penis. There are not many options for FTM’s when it comes to bottom surgery and I refuse to get anything that I wont be satisfied with. Well I am off to do some more thinking and live my life. I’ll be back to post more later as more comes to me.


I Wanna Be Your Lover

Now I am a very sexually active person. Not saying that I have sex everyday but that my sex drive can be very high…A LOT!

I will sit back and imagine what it would feel like to have her lips on my dick and her head going up and down on my shaft. Before I orgasm I pull out her mouth and lay her down while kissing her. I will then enter her and make love to her whole being. Ive had day dreams of this before more so now the closer and closer I get to starting T. Its apparent of that it maybe the reason for the abundance of these dreams and because my baby is good lover. I’ve always appreciated my boo being a very passionate lover and I cant help how much she drives me crazy.

Now I know it will be soon that I will start T I just dont know where! I am more so looking into the MLK center as it seems to have a more personal setting then anywhere else. Now Callen Lorde is really well put together but Cris( this very great guy at the Mlk center) can help me at a more individual pace is very likely to make miracles happen with giving me the option of top surgery being paid for through insurance most likely if things play out the right way. Im excited!

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