The Past Has Footprints I Don’t Wish To Erase…

As I look back at the girls that I’ve been through I know I wouldn’t be me today without some dings to my record.

Now all of the girls I’ve dated weren’t a mess but shit doesn’t always work out.

The last year I’ve seen so much growth within myself. I’ve also grown to be much colder after all the failed relationships that I’ve had.

I make sure to be as clear as I can with the things that I want and expect. Even if it hurts. Today I was thinking about every relationship I’ve been in with women up until now.

When I was 16 I got my first girl. Lets just call her J. All my male friends would always mention about how fat her ass was. Anyway my sex drive was high back then and we would get it on a lot. It was probably hormones or what not but I would say at least three a week we were up under them sheets. I believe we were highly compatible. Being both young at the time, shit fell apart. She went away to school and I continued on my journey.

I had a couple of flings with chicks in between here but nothing memorable.

The next girl R I was with for almost 6 years. I remember fucking her the first time I invited her over. In hindsight now I know that was her plan all along. She had asked to see my room and had me lotion her up before the action started. Women put out signals for you to make your move. I now pay attention to the signs.

Our relationship was lit as fuck. We had some ups and downs like many couples but I thought one day I’d marry her. We shared many of the same goals of entrepreneurship, music and fitness. She just realized she couldn’t deal with me transitioning from female to male.

Everyone has their preferences so I don’t hate her for that. I disliked the fact that she said to me “I want to be with a REAL man.” That shit hurt and devastated me. Karma got back at her though. As the person I am today I’d tell her to go fuck herself. I know it’s not right but I would have.

The next girl L lived out of state. At first I was unsure of how it would work but we dated for about a year. I can hardly remember some of the things we did.

I do remember her pussy being the wettest I’ve ever had at the time. She was also a scorpio and our love language was similar in terms of physical so we got it on whenever we saw each other. It just wasn’t meant to last.

Now the next ex I wish I could take back. Her name was F.

Boy! Oh Boy! That was a rollercoaster.

We had some amazing times. I explored my sexuality a lot with her as well taking some of my sex adventures outside to supermarkets and the sides of roads.

Our attitudes just didn’t match. Plus with her being a lunatic and all I’m happy it ended. Her anger and pain was just too much to handle as a burden for myself. I couldn’t save her.

I learned late that some people just want to stay hurt. They want to feel pain. They don’t want to dig themselves out of the hole they are in so its best to just let them do what they do. I’ll keep doing what I do.

Now in 2021 I’m with new girl A. I would say that after being through everything with everyone now I’m a trouble maker.

She’s a great girlfriend but it’s super hard to trust her. Not only l have I taken the red pill, my heart is frozen solid.

We also have issues with our sex drives not being compatible. It can be very hard sometimes to deal with. I’ve thought about cheating and just plain walking away from her for this.

Sex has also gotten me into a lot of trouble so I’ve been practicing as of late controlling my sex drive. I do want to try and make our relationship work so I compromise. Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep this up. Then I think to myself…

Take everything a day at a time…

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here
*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here

Sex Is A Part Of Who I Am

What sparked this post is a conversation I was having with one of my female friends about sex and how it will change for me after my bottom surgery.

I speak about what I want from bottom surgery in my original post here.

Recently I have started my journey towards getting my bottom surgery. The surgeon I’m looking forward to working with is Dr. Ting in NYC. He is a part of the Mount Sinai network.

The team so far that I’ve spoken to and have met are amazing. Everyone was so open to discussing the surgery and making sure I know all the pros and cons.

Basically there are so many things that can go wrong but so many things that can go right. I’m ready to face both.

Granted my worst fear is fully losing sensation but I don’t have doubt in my body’s ability to heal itself. Even at my young-old age of 32. I can’t believe I’m this old.

Anyway back to the point of this post…

I love sex.

It feels good and it’s an activity I use to destress myself and build connections with the people that im sleeping with.

Sex is not just the orgasm to me. It’s a whole journey.

From the beginning when lips touch and bodies connect.

Lots of heavy breathing and physical expression…

Hands going up and down your lovers body…

Bodies…minds…and energies intertwined…

Juices going, blood racing…

In my opinion when I go in the bedroom with a woman for sexual purposes and I close the door…a story is about to unfold.

From beginning to end its about taking the ride together as a unit.

Riding the rollercoaster of my dick inside of your warm pleasure zone…

Hands around your sexy curves…

Having full control of your destiny for a period in time.

Dominating your body…

I play GOD by controlling your emotions and taking you in my specified direction for a finite period in time.

Taking souls is a responsibility for the strong minded only.

When people open up there spirit to me in the bedroom, I treat its aura with respect and dignity.

Entering inside of a person can be such a thrill…

Its just never knowing if I’m exposing myself to someone who carries an angel inside of them or…

Rather they carry demons from all the people they’ve opened themselves up to sexually and emotionally.

Even with all of the weight sex carries to me, its something I want to do.

When I penetrate a woman’s body with my dick I feel powerful. It further validates my identity of what I think a man is in my head.

Fucking a girl and hearing her moan beneath does something to me.

The hairs on my body stand up, I know im making her feel good to the sound of music to my ears.

“Yes baby ohhh right there…Daddy don’t stop”….

Damn that gave me chills. Just reminiscing of thrashing a woman’s body into submission.

Holding her down so she can’t escape the pleasurable torture I’m giving her body.

Invading her insides with my pleasure being the only focal point in her mind for just a second in time…

The rabbit hole goes deep…

I’m not sure how far but I’m willing to keep digging and exploring my sexuality with a positive vibe.

I’m going to keep digging girls guts out till they bust all over me until the end of days. That’s rest assured.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here

Escaping Hell

I am still in disbelief.

The world and everything that I created in my head from my past relationship was all fiction. There is no way that was my soul mate or true love that I have always been looking for based on everything that went down. Pain was something that connected us and than tore us apart with no chance of reconciliation.

I’ve been out here for years looking for another half to complete me. I now know that I’m not looking for another person to be the other 50% of my spirit. Whoever this person may be will be what I need in excess. I want to be 100% myself!

In fact now as I look back I’m left with scars all over my body from my skin being constantly submerged in the deepest parts of my own personal Hell.

The fire continues to scorch my skin as we speak during my current climb out of this hole of fire and darkness.

My dreams of marraige and kids dangled in front of me like a juicy fruit from a tree in hell.

These visions were all mirages and hallucinations that I would see coming from my own head to escape the torture I was receiving.

I took refuge away from the fire in the darkness.

The darkness was FULL with demons and monsters that tore me apart over and over again. Due to this I had to become a monster to defend myself. I have tapped into really horrible parts of myself that I did not know existed.

Slowly I have been pulling myself back together much stronger than when I was first initiated into evil.

With each step that I take upward, the pain of leaving is ever more intense and painful. Rest won’t come for me until I’m full out of the mouth of hell.

Traversing through both heaven and hell, I see I belong to neither side. I’m just me and I embrace both the light and the dark. You can’t have one without the other.

The pictures of fire and flames along with the man with the burnt skin are from the movie Spawn. I LOVE THIS MOVIE! I see myself and Earl Simmons have something in common. I was set out on a mission in which the journey led me down a dark path. I come out of hell with no memory of who I am.

I will use my new found abilities of the mind to create a bright future for myself turning all of the energy that I accumulated in darkness into light and life.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here

Celibacy: A Journey Into The Unknown

The definition of celibacy according to Oxford dictionary means to abstain from marraige and sexual relations typically for religious reasons.

This guy right here (meaning me in case you happened to give a fuck) is not religious at all. Since my early 20’s I’ve broken free of Catholicism. Mom dukes had me getting my ashes for Lent from as early as I can remember. When I began to learn about how the world really works I look at everything now with the lens of having taken the red pill.

The world and everything in it is not what it appears to be. This whole system is fucked up. I’ll rant on another blog about that though.

I am contemplating very much to not engaging in sexual activity for a month at a time. This will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Sex should be my middle name. I’m thinking about it most of the time.

Before I started transitioning to a male, my libido was on fire! Now with the addition of the testosterone, my shit is on 1000 at all times.

Embracing my sexual urges has made me the freak that I am. I know from past lovers themselves I can get really nasty in bed but my thoughts can be out of control sometimes. It has led me to deal with shit unimaginable. Had I been thinking with my head instead of my dick, there wouldve been a TON of things that could’ve been avoided.

Shit is cool though.

Celibacy I hope will help me connect deeper within myself and elevate to a higher vibration. Just making myself uncomfortable will make me grow!

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here

So Much Change

As of right now I am single again.

My ex fiance broke up with me in December. Before that me and her had been relatively on and off for months last year. We were together since November 2015.

It was like a whirlwind romance. 

Everything happened so fast. We went from dating to engaged all within the first year. I essentially jumped off a cliff asking her to marry me the way that I did. Risk should be my middle name as I dive off of high cliffs without fear hoping for water that doesn’t cut me up at the bottom. In hindsight, I can see that now.

In my head, I was like this is who I am going to be with. It made me comfortable. The way that I grew up with my dad having HIV which eventually turned to AIDS kept me content with just sexing one person at a time. This is what I’m accustomed too.

Not only do I not have the urge to fuck random women, that shit terrifies me. There are so many sexually transmitted diseases, and infections out here.

One of my worse fears is to end up like my father in the way that he died. He was 53 and had a stroke in the middle of the night. His body was so weak from years of fighting the disease. I saw a picture of him a few years ago from around the time that he passed. He looked so different than I remember him.

It was so traumatizing to see. His face was basically caved in and he looked very sick. He died when I was a teenager. I guess I blocked out those images in my mind.

I love everything else about him. He was a great father to me and was always present with so much love. I got whatever I wanted.

Anyway back to the me venting about a marriage that will never happen…

We probably should’ve broken up a long time ago but I will say at least on my end I was comfortable in love with her.

I always thought that love would keep shit together like it had done my grandparents.

They physically fought and it was okay right?

Their marraige ended up lasting 50 something odd years even with apparent moments of domestic violence.

Growing up hearing this I feel I internalized what they had went through as “okay” when in fact it was very toxic at least in that area. My parents had become close to getting physical numerous times as well and they did not have a happy loving marriage.

Just dealing with all this stuff alone has made me want to build a stable healthy foundation for the next generation if I have the choice one day to become a dad. I used to talk about having kids a lot. Now I dont know if I can trust anyone to get attached to like that.

My ex also sent me a positive pregnancy test in the last few days. That shit really has thrown me for a loop. This woman knows how I’ve felt about having kids with the right person one day and giving them the whole world. We explored all of these thoughts by going to the GYN, finding out her ovulation date, and talking about the future.

All that shit I’m writing seems like a dream that I know existed. So many fucking memories in my head. I have to let go of. Shit hurts so much because of how I love.

When I give myself to someone they get all of me and then some. I dont know if I’ll ever find someone like that out there.

As many friends as I have, and my mom just downstairs I feel like I exist alone in my own reality. No one can understand how I’m feeling. Most people are out here trying to live for themselves.

Will I find love again? I don’t know….

Will I be open to it when or if it shows up? I don’t know…

I don’t want to put my hands on a woman ever again though. I admit in my younger 20’s I hit one of my exes. We dated for 6 years before she left me for a “real man” she said. That’s another story.

I never felt so bad in my life about hitting her. My anger had gotten the best of me. She had made me so mad but that didn’t warrant my reaction.

I also got into many fights with the last person I was with. This time I was never the aggressor. I felt I had to defend myself against this woman. My parents raised me to not let anyone punk or put their hands on me.

However now as a 31 year old transgender male of color I know I can’t be out here doing that shit nor do I want too.

Peace is all I have ever asked for in my life.

I just want my heart to heal.

I vow to never put my hands on a woman again but to try to walk away as long as I’m not being attacked. I will defend myself if in a life or death situation but if it’s not that the plan is to leave with my head held up high.

The only time I want to touch a woman from now on is when I’m hot for her or fucking. I’ve had to stop being touchy feely like I was when I presented female. I felt people were more friendly and open to me being a bit physical as a female.

As a male not so much. I happen to be a person of color as well so I will not pretend to not know how the world looks at me on a scale.

As a black man I’m sure I’m seen as aggressive, uneducated, out of control, illiterate, unpolished and the list goes on. This post isn’t meant to be a huge rant about black men. Just speaking my mind.

In terms of my transition, things couldn’t be better. I’ve completed both top surgery in 2013 and had a hysterectomy in 2015. If you’re interested in reading about my top surgery enter here.

Bottom surgery is a currently postponed till further notice. I’m working as a part of a real estate investing team. The money that I plan to make with transactions through the team and real estate flips will pay for surgery. I’ve set this goal. I just need to get it in motion.

I think I’m done rambling.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Gold Ranger Woes: Power Rangers Battle For The Grid PS4



For the last 24 hours I have restarted my system and tried numerous ways to get this damn game to work!

The game as a whole is not malfunctioning, its the update that is not working for PS4 owners all over. I am not able to access the new Gold Ranger or The Pink Time Force Ranger. When I try to select the characters I am sent to PlayStation Network where the new skins AREN’T AVAILABLE!

Now the Gold Ranger isn’t Jason’s version.


It is Trey from Triforia before he was split into three and had to transfer his powers to Jason.

I am a bigger fan of Jason donning the Black & Gold but I’ll take what I can get.


So far based on information that I have gathered from the Power Rangers: Battle For The Grid websites the social media that represents the games have responded with “We hear that PS4 players are still having some trouble. We hear you and are currently looking into that right now. Will update you as soon as possible! Thanks for you patience!”

That’s all they have to say. Tomorrow will make two days that I have not been able to enjoy my favorite Power Ranger of ALL TIME!


I have not played the PS4 version of the game for a couple of months and when I find out something exciting has happened that actually makes me want to play this again, I was let down.


My brother and I were looking at NBA news on YouTube when I saw the UPDATE INSTALLED pop up in the corner of my TV screen in reference to the Power Rangers game.

The last time I saw that a couple months ago, my ass ignored it….


I missed out for a week on the awesome story mode that was added and the RED RANGER WITH THE GREEN RANGER SHIELD!


My nerd ass was tight as hell.

Now every time I see an update for any game I get antsy.


Anyway I am hoping this shit gets squared away soon so I can enjoy playing out the rest of the summer with Trey of Triforia.


*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Real Estate Property Tour

If you want to learn LIVE,
Our Real Estate Investing Group’s Fix & Flip happening next Saturday:
Saturday, 2/2/19, we will have our East Orange, NJ Rehab Property Tour to show you acquisition, funding, exit strategy, and profit of this deal. (Get back to me for details on attending the FREE event)
Come join our NETWORK of real estate investors!
Simply, call or text your full name and email to
929-398-5457, a real person will contact you.

Cashflow 101

Saturday, February 2, 2019 @ 2:00pm. In our Flushing Queens office We Will Be Playing A Fun Game of Cashflow 101. (Learn to CHANGE Your Current Financial Situation!)
Come join our NETWORK of real estate investors!
Simply, call or text your full name and email to
929-398-5457, a real person will contact you.

Abundance Mindset

I make my abrupt return to this platform developing myself into a new man.

I keep hearing of this “abundance mindset” from many of the everyday men that I talk to and watch online.

I am very good at having this mindset in other avenues inside my life. Unfortunately relationships wasn’t one of them.

Till as of late, I would have such a scarcity thought process.

Well this time again I was in love.

Love had me ignoring all the major red flags I should’ve seen in the beginning.

I saw the good in her regardless of her past. I’m learning that you need to pay attention to what someone has dealt with. It can be a factor later on.

There was also a lot of pain coming from both sides so I feel it added more fuel to the fire.

The therapist told us we could work it out but we stopped going.

I guess this will be one or those things that isn’t going to work because we gave up along with other issues of disrespect that was inside of the relationship.

I wasnt always the best to her but I loved her with all of me. I wanted us to be like that power couple I know we could have been but that’s dead it seems.

She just told me this week she had sex with someone during our breakups.

At first I was upset because of the thought of someone sleeping with my woman.

I couldn’t get the visual out if my head…

But then it occurred to me, I was not entitled to any type of loyalty at that time. I thought love would bring us back together with some time apart.

Shit Was I Wrong!

Soooooo much has went on in the last few months, I’m like damn I dont know how I’m going to fit this in one post. I plan on writing more as I get the power to share my truth.

Following all of my emotional outburst I began to have so much clarity as to what I’ve done wrong over the course of my life.

My mindset is not right…

I know this for a fact because all of my relationships have failed.


I do not completely blame myself for what has occurred through all my life because that would be me not giving the assholes who have stumbled my way their fair share of the collapse.

I can be honest though and say I am not ready to be anyone’s husband.

This year alone has taught me so much in terms of the game in being a man. I have to take my position as such seriously and be a leader of a pack.

It means taking MYSELF more seriously as a human being but more so as a MAN.

This is so powerful. I didn’t even realize this due to my upbringing as a female.

I have been learning things as of late from men that are around me everyday. This includes the drug dealers, my barber, and my real estate mentor.

I feel all of these talks will make me not just book smart but street smart as a male.

I’ve been approaching women more frequently in my everyday journeys and I must say I’ve had some success with getting contact info and numbers.

There have been flakes and ones who are “gay” per se. This girl told me today that she “didnt do” men. She still offered me her number and wants to hang out.

I figured I’ll take the number because she may know others who like men like myself!


Another girl just didnt want to give me her number. That’s fine too. I got it out of the way. I forgot about her soon as I walked away. I hope I dont hit on her again!


This relationship self help blog that I follow speaks of women in the realist way possible.

“Every girl you pass could be a future girlfriend/fuck buddy. It’s up to you as a man to start the interaction just as it is your job to penetrate a womans pussy”

I never looked at my new found position as a man in society to this extent.

I see with more rejection it does indeed breed confidence.

Girls stop for me when I talk to them so I know I’m not butt ugly!


It’s still quite a barrier sometimes to speak to people and get over my codependency issues. I notice I still freeze up to talk to some women. I’m sure I’ll get over it as I do my daily approaches.

I feel like I still care to an extent much about what people think about me. Its something I deal with day to day.

However I have started to realize who I was and what I was capable of. My confidence has just soared as of late.

I see it like this. Whoever comes my way and it doesnt work out wasnt meant to be.

I used to put so much emotional emphasis on how I was making my partner/friends feel and not thinking of myself. That was the wrong idea.

It wont be happening any longer.

I am focused on my purpose and worrying about padding my bank accounts.

Something in me today breeded this post. I open my eyes wide and will let the sun shine in. The future is bright!

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Wal-Mart of Weed

I always have so many different ideas of what I want to do in World of Business.

The future for me is to have a storefront that sells marijuana at wholesale/retail prices.

It will be JOYOUS to get up and go to work everyday!

Imagine going to YOUR OWN business everyday and doing something that you love and feel passionate about?

It wouldn’t even feel like work…

Amazing can’t even describe the feeling one must have to do that.

I just have to keep speaking my light into existance.

There are so many things I want to be able to provide to my family. Whether it be through weed, real estate and clothing, imma get this bread.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.