“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”
A burning rose to simulate how I feel about love at this time in my life. May 22, 2022
Here is the unofficial remix to “Hey Lover” by LL Cool J.
I named it Jaded Lover because my heart no longer wants to romantically connect with women. Since last year I’ve just been hooking up with my only goal to make them cum waterfalls.
Yesterday I was sad for two seconds just thinking about how alone I felt inside and out. Crazy thing I was laying next to someone after a hot and steamy session.
95 percent of the time I feel good vibes. That particular moment my guard was completely down. I couldn’t even hide the turmoil inside. She offered to put something on to watch to distract my brain which I declined.
I chose to fuck her till my bad feelings went away shoving my baggage towards the future for a stronger version of me to deal with.
Take a listen to my words in the following video. It will explain more my current state of affairs.
*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.
*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here
“Creep” by TLC has got to be one of my favorite songs!
I listen to the song daily on my playlist called ‘My Ish’.
I envisioned making this video in the snow and made it happen. The huge flakes fell over night I didn’t even know about the blizzard till I woke up and saw the results of a storm overnight.
Not an actual picture of my scenery but I thought it was beautiful so I shared it.
In my mind thoughts moved a million miles an hour.
“I have to do this or I’ll never do it.” kept repeating over and over in my huge dome of a head.
Why did I pick this song to write a verse for?
Here’s a short list:
1. The song is dope as fuck!
2. I’ve had a SERIOUS crush on Chili from the group since young. She has always been very nice to look at.
Chili throughout the years.
3. Once I really committed that I was going to write a song, Creep was on the top of my list. It’s in my top 20 most played songs on my phone.
4. I added some Suites swag to a classic song and brought it into 2022.
Check out Blackplayer on Google Play for an amazing music player. It’s a cool layout and works really good.
*If you are looking for transition related material click here.
*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.
I posted a video talking about this here on my Youtube Channel. It’s time to start walking alone.
I picked the term loner because I have realized over the last year that I enjoy the moments I have in solitude more than being at some big event.
This would be an ideal setting for me.
I literally have my mom who always makes sure I’m okay and will without question take care of me when I’m at my lowest points of life whether it be a bad breakup or my asthma/allergies acting like a bitch.
I was and still am feeling the side effects of this medicine Loratadine. I had severe cramps, pain and chills yesterday. Today I woke up around 3 am with a migrane that was crazy. This is the most pain I’ve been in for a long time.
Taking a Motrin 800 and a couple of episodes of Power Rangers was enough for the medicine to kick in to go to sleep.
Lately I’ve been watching all the old episodes from my childhood. Yesterday I finally made it to when Tommy becomes the White Ranger.
Courtesy of Neo-Saban
One of my personality traits is to go hard in whatever it is I believe in. As a kid I believed in Tommy. One Halloween I was the White Ranger and I begged my parents for the gloves that made noises to go along with the costume.
It hasn’t stopped there…
Just this past September I got a tattoo of the White Ranger Symbol on my arm. Take a look at the video here or below to see the amazing result I got from my artist. His name is Arthur Volper from Rebel Ink Tattoo in Queens. Check him out.
Being a leader, having the respect of my peers and having a wonderful woman (Kimberly) swoon over him since the first day they met is everything I want to have.
Courtesy of Neo Saban
I work everyday to be the best version of myself so one day I can have all of those things. I seriously believe at that time Tommy was the best version of himself.
Courtesy of Neo Saban
I mean the dude had visible abs. Physically as a man that’s the coldest you can be. I work out 5 to 6 days able week to eventually look like this.
I’m around 40 pounds down from where I started in September of last year. So I’m on my way. There is just this diet and my inability to be disciplined enough to fully stick to one. I will get it together this year.
*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.
*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.
As I find more time I will update this post to give more detailed information about the e-book. Right now I am prepping to celebrate my 33rd birthday tomorrow with the release of the book.
Keep up with my Youtube Channel, Real estate businesses and life at the link below:
*If you’re looking for transition related material click here
As I look back at the girls that I’ve been through I know I wouldn’t be me today without some dings to my record.
Now all of the girls I’ve dated weren’t a mess but shit doesn’t always work out.
The last year I’ve seen so much growth within myself. I’ve also grown to be much colder after all the failed relationships that I’ve had.
I make sure to be as clear as I can with the things that I want and expect. Even if it hurts. Today I was thinking about every relationship I’ve been in with women up until now.
When I was 16 I got my first girl. Lets just call her J. All my male friends would always mention about how fat her ass was. Anyway my sex drive was high back then and we would get it on a lot. It was probably hormones or what not but I would say at least three a week we were up under them sheets. I believe we were highly compatible. Being both young at the time, shit fell apart. She went away to school and I continued on my journey.
I had a couple of flings with chicks in between here but nothing memorable.
The next girl R I was with for almost 6 years. I remember fucking her the first time I invited her over. In hindsight now I know that was her plan all along. She had asked to see my room and had me lotion her up before the action started. Women put out signals for you to make your move. I now pay attention to the signs.
Our relationship was lit as fuck. We had some ups and downs like many couples but I thought one day I’d marry her. We shared many of the same goals of entrepreneurship, music and fitness. She just realized she couldn’t deal with me transitioning from female to male.
Everyone has their preferences so I don’t hate her for that. I disliked the fact that she said to me “I want to be with a REAL man.” That shit hurt and devastated me. Karma got back at her though. As the person I am today I’d tell her to go fuck herself. I know it’s not right but I would have.
The next girl L lived out of state. At first I was unsure of how it would work but we dated for about a year. I can hardly remember some of the things we did.
I do remember her pussy being the wettest I’ve ever had at the time. She was also a scorpio and our love language was similar in terms of physical so we got it on whenever we saw each other. It just wasn’t meant to last.
Now the next ex I wish I could take back. Her name was F.
Boy! Oh Boy! That was a rollercoaster.
We had some amazing times. I explored my sexuality a lot with her as well taking some of my sex adventures outside to supermarkets and the sides of roads.
Our attitudes just didn’t match. Plus with her I’m happy it ended.
I learned late that some people just want to stay hurt. They want to feel pain. They don’t want to dig themselves out of the hole they are in so its best to just let them do what they do. I’ll keep doing what I do.
Now in 2021 I’m with new girl A. I would say that after being through everything with everyone now I’m a trouble maker.
She’s a great girlfriend but it’s super hard to trust her. Not only l have I taken the red pill, my heart is frozen solid.
We also have issues with our sex drives not being compatible. It can be very hard sometimes to deal with. I’ve thought about cheating and just plain walking away from her for this.
Sex has also gotten me into a lot of trouble so I’ve been practicing as of late controlling my sex drive. I do want to try and make our relationship work so I compromise. Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep this up. Then I think to myself…
Take everything a day at a time…
*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here
What sparked this post is a conversation I was having with one of my female friends about sex and how it will change for me after my bottom surgery.
I speak about what I want from bottom surgery in my original post here.
Recently I have started my journey towards getting my bottom surgery. The surgeon I’m looking forward to working with is Dr. Ting in NYC. He is a part of the Mount Sinai network.
The team so far that I’ve spoken to and have met are amazing. Everyone was so open to discussing the surgery and making sure I know all the pros and cons.
Basically there are so many things that can go wrong but so many things that can go right. I’m ready to face both.
Granted my worst fear is fully losing sensation but I don’t have doubt in my body’s ability to heal itself. Even at my young-old age of 32. I can’t believe I’m this old.
Anyway back to the point of this post…
I love sex.
It feels good and it’s an activity I use to destress myself and build connections with the people that im sleeping with.
Sex is not just the orgasm to me. It’s a whole journey.
From the beginning when lips touch and bodies connect.
Lots of heavy breathing and physical expression…
Hands going up and down your lovers body…
Bodies…minds…and energies intertwined…
Juices going, blood racing…
In my opinion when I go in the bedroom with a woman for sexual purposes and I close the door…a story is about to unfold.
From beginning to end its about taking the ride together as a unit.
Riding the rollercoaster of my dick inside of your warm pleasure zone…
Hands around your sexy curves…
Having full control of your destiny for a period in time.
Dominating your body…
I play GOD by controlling your emotions and taking you in my specified direction for a finite period in time.
Taking souls is a responsibility for the strong minded only.
When people open up there spirit to me in the bedroom, I treat its aura with respect and dignity.
Entering inside of a person can be such a thrill…
Its just never knowing if I’m exposing myself to someone who carries an angel inside of them or…
Rather they carry demons from all the people they’ve opened themselves up to sexually and emotionally.
Even with all of the weight sex carries to me, its something I want to do.
When I penetrate a woman’s body with my dick I feel powerful. It further validates my identity of what I think a man is in my head.
Fucking a girl and hearing her moan beneath does something to me.
The hairs on my body stand up, I know im making her feel good to the sound of music to my ears.
“Yes baby ohhh right there…Daddy don’t stop”….
Damn that gave me chills. Just reminiscing of thrashing a woman’s body into submission.
Holding her down so she can’t escape the pleasurable torture I’m giving her body.
Invading her insides with my pleasure being the only focal point in her mind for just a second in time…
The rabbit hole goes deep…
I’m not sure how far but I’m willing to keep digging and exploring my sexuality with a positive vibe.
I’m going to keep digging girls guts out till they bust all over me until the end of days. That’s rest assured.
*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.
*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here
The world and everything that I created in my head from my past relationship was all fiction. There is no way that was my soul mate or true love that I have always been looking for based on everything that went down. Pain was something that connected us and than tore us apart with no chance of reconciliation.
I’ve been out here for years looking for another half to complete me. I now know that I’m not looking for another person to be the other 50% of my spirit. Whoever this person may be will be what I need in excess. I want to be 100% myself!
In fact now as I look back I’m left with scars all over my body from my skin being constantly submerged in the deepest parts of my own personal Hell.
The fire continues to scorch my skin as we speak during my current climb out of this hole of fire and darkness.
My dreams of marraige and kids dangled in front of me like a juicy fruit from a tree in hell.
These visions were all mirages and hallucinations that I would see coming from my own head to escape the torture I was receiving.
I took refuge away from the fire in the darkness.
The darkness was FULL with demons and monsters that tore me apart over and over again. Due to this I had to become a monster to defend myself. I have tapped into really horrible parts of myself that I did not know existed.
Slowly I have been pulling myself back together much stronger than when I was first initiated into evil.
With each step that I take upward, the pain of leaving is ever more intense and painful. Rest won’t come for me until I’m full out of the mouth of hell.
Traversing through both heaven and hell, I see I belong to neither side. I’m just me and I embrace both the light and the dark. You can’t have one without the other.
The pictures of fire and flames along with the man with the burnt skin are from the movie Spawn. I LOVE THIS MOVIE! I see myself and Earl Simmons have something in common. I was set out on a mission in which the journey led me down a dark path. I come out of hell with no memory of who I am.
I will use my new found abilities of the mind to create a bright future for myself turning all of the energy that I accumulated in darkness into light and life.
*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.
*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here
The definition of celibacy according to Oxford dictionary means to abstain from marraige and sexual relations typically for religious reasons.
This guy right here (meaning me in case you happened to give a fuck) is not religious at all. Since my early 20’s I’ve broken free of Catholicism. Mom dukes had me getting my ashes for Lent from as early as I can remember. When I began to learn about how the world really works I look at everything now with the lens of having taken the red pill.
The world and everything in it is not what it appears to be. This whole system is fucked up. I’ll rant on another blog about that though.
I am contemplating very much to not engaging in sexual activity for a month at a time. This will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Sex should be my middle name. I’m thinking about it most of the time.
Before I started transitioning to a male, my libido was on fire! Now with the addition of the testosterone, my shit is on 1000 at all times.
Embracing my sexual urges has made me the freak that I am. I know from past lovers themselves I can get really nasty in bed but my thoughts can be out of control sometimes. It has led me to deal with shit unimaginable. Had I been thinking with my head instead of my dick, there wouldve been a TON of things that could’ve been avoided.
Shit is cool though.
Celibacy I hope will help me connect deeper within myself and elevate to a higher vibration. Just making myself uncomfortable will make me grow!
*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.
*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here
My ex fiance broke up with me in December. Before that me and her had been relatively on and off for months last year. We were together since November 2015.
It was like a whirlwind romance.
Everything happened so fast. We went from dating to engaged all within the first year. I essentially jumped off a cliff asking her to marry me the way that I did. Risk should be my middle name as I dive off of high cliffs without fear hoping for water that doesn’t cut me up at the bottom. In hindsight, I can see that now.
In my head, I was like this is who I am going to be with. It made me comfortable. The way that I grew up with my dad having HIV which eventually turned to AIDS kept me content with just sexing one person at a time. This is what I’m accustomed too.
Not only do I not have the urge to fuck random women, that shit terrifies me. There are so many sexually transmitted diseases, and infections out here.
One of my worse fears is to end up like my father in the way that he died. He was 53 and had a stroke in the middle of the night. His body was so weak from years of fighting the disease. I saw a picture of him a few years ago from around the time that he passed. He looked so different than I remember him.
It was so traumatizing to see. His face was basically caved in and he looked very sick. He died when I was a teenager. I guess I blocked out those images in my mind.
I love everything else about him. He was a great father to me and was always present with so much love. I got whatever I wanted.
Anyway back to the me venting about a marriage that will never happen…
We probably should’ve broken up a long time ago but I will say at least on my end I was comfortable in love with her.
I always thought that love would keep shit together like it had done my grandparents.
They physically fought and it was okay right?
Their marraige ended up lasting 50 something odd years even with apparent moments of domestic violence.
Growing up hearing this I feel I internalized what they had went through as “okay” when in fact it was very toxic at least in that area. My parents had become close to getting physical numerous times as well and they did not have a happy loving marriage.
Just dealing with all this stuff alone has made me want to build a stable healthy foundation for the next generation if I have the choice one day to become a dad. I used to talk about having kids a lot. Now I dont know if I can trust anyone to get attached to like that.
My ex also sent me a positive pregnancy test in the last few days. That shit really has thrown me for a loop. This woman knows how I’ve felt about having kids with the right person one day and giving them the whole world. We explored all of these thoughts by going to the GYN, finding out her ovulation date, and talking about the future.
All that shit I’m writing seems like a dream that I know existed. So many fucking memories in my head. I have to let go of. Shit hurts so much because of how I love.
When I give myself to someone they get all of me and then some. I dont know if I’ll ever find someone like that out there.
As many friends as I have, and my mom just downstairs I feel like I exist alone in my own reality. No one can understand how I’m feeling. Most people are out here trying to live for themselves.
Will I find love again? I don’t know….
Will I be open to it when or if it shows up? I don’t know…
I don’t want to put my hands on a woman ever again though. I admit in my younger 20’s I hit one of my exes. We dated for 6 years before she left me for a “real man” she said. That’s another story.
I never felt so bad in my life about hitting her. My anger had gotten the best of me. She had made me so mad but that didn’t warrant my reaction.
I also got into many fights with the last person I was with. This time I was never the aggressor. I felt I had to defend myself against this woman. My parents raised me to not let anyone punk or put their hands on me.
However now as a 31 year old transgender male of color I know I can’t be out here doing that shit nor do I want too.
Peace is all I have ever asked for in my life.
I just want my heart to heal.
I vow to never put my hands on a woman again but to try to walk away as long as I’m not being attacked. I will defend myself if in a life or death situation but if it’s not that the plan is to leave with my head held up high.
The only time I want to touch a woman from now on is when I’m hot for her or fucking. I’ve had to stop being touchy feely like I was when I presented female. I felt people were more friendly and open to me being a bit physical as a female.
As a male not so much. I happen to be a person of color as well so I will not pretend to not know how the world looks at me on a scale.
As a black man I’m sure I’m seen as aggressive, uneducated, out of control, illiterate, unpolished and the list goes on. This post isn’t meant to be a huge rant about black men. Just speaking my mind.
In terms of my transition, things couldn’t be better. I’ve completed both top surgery in 2013 and had a hysterectomy in 2015. If you’re interested in reading about my top surgery enter here.
Bottom surgery is a currently postponed till further notice. I’m working as a part of a real estate investing team. The money that I plan to make with transactions through the team and real estate flips will pay for surgery. I’ve set this goal. I just need to get it in motion.
I think I’m done rambling.
*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.
*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.
For the last 24 hours I have restarted my system and tried numerous ways to get this damn game to work!
The game as a whole is not malfunctioning, its the update that is not working for PS4 owners all over. I am not able to access the new Gold Ranger or The Pink Time Force Ranger. When I try to select the characters I am sent to PlayStation Network where the new skins AREN’T AVAILABLE!
Now the Gold Ranger isn’t Jason’s version.
It is Trey from Triforia before he was split into three and had to transfer his powers to Jason.
I am a bigger fan of Jason donning the Black & Gold but I’ll take what I can get.
So far based on information that I have gathered from the Power Rangers: Battle For The Grid websites the social media that represents the games have responded with “We hear that PS4 players are still having some trouble. We hear you and are currently looking into that right now. Will update you as soon as possible! Thanks for you patience!”
That’s all they have to say. Tomorrow will make two days that I have not been able to enjoy my favorite Power Ranger of ALL TIME!
THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!
I have not played the PS4 version of the game for a couple of months and when I find out something exciting has happened that actually makes me want to play this again, I was let down.
My brother and I were looking at NBA news on YouTube when I saw the UPDATE INSTALLED pop up in the corner of my TV screen in reference to the Power Rangers game.
The last time I saw that a couple months ago, my ass ignored it….
HOW DUMB WAS I??!!!
I missed out for a week on the awesome story mode that was added and the RED RANGER WITH THE GREEN RANGER SHIELD!
My nerd ass was tight as hell.
Now every time I see an update for any game I get antsy.
I’m like “WHAT AM I MISSING OUT ON?!
Anyway I am hoping this shit gets squared away soon so I can enjoy playing out the rest of the summer with Trey of Triforia.
*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.
*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.
Into the Nitty Gritty of a Male of Transgender Experience (Female to Male) 