Wal-Mart of Weed

I always have so many different ideas of what I want to do in World of Business.

The future for me is to have a storefront that sells marijuana at wholesale/retail prices.

It will be JOYOUS to get up and go to work everyday!

Imagine going to YOUR OWN business everyday and doing something that you love and feel passionate about?

It wouldn’t even feel like work…

Amazing can’t even describe the feeling one must have to do that.

I just have to keep speaking my light into existance.

There are so many things I want to be able to provide to my family. Whether it be through weed, real estate and clothing, imma get this bread.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Letter to Love Lost Pt.2

All I wanted from you was peace.

For my soul to finally be at rest. This crazy world out here really drains my energy. In you, I looked for solitide.

I’m starting to see I can’t find that with you no matter how hard I try.

It was supposed to be me and you against the world. Instead I feel like in your eyes you see me vs you.

I saw my shining star. I went with my heart…and now I’m left torn ever more into pieces because now I’m starting to feel it wasn’t real. Love can’t be real.

When you love hard, you can hate just as much in reverse. It’s a really thin line between the two emotions. I see that now as I can feel in my heart, hate for love.

Love seems all like a dream. It was never my reality. Love was an escape from my day to day rituals and deserting friends.

Do I really know what love is or do I confuse it with attachment/codependency?

(If you don’t know what codependency is take a look at it’s meaning here. I may write a blog about it because this is something that have been struggling with in my life for as long as I can go back in my mind. The topic can get quite extensive so look out for the blog link for that here.)

I think of the moment love gave me my ring back. Feeling like cement bricks in my hand, but pulling down on my heart. There’s no more left to give. I feel depleted.

I’m not saying I was the best to you either love. I am not right now the best me I can be. My heart has been kicked around by many people making me even more sensitive to shit that people do.

We are both not ready for each other.

I don’t think love understood how I really felt so I wrote my feelings down. It’s the best way I know how to communicate as this the first way I really knew how.

Anyway maybe later in life, love and I will come across each other again to fulfill the great destiny we shared together.

If not…well…we spent some great times together. I’ll keep a piece of you with me forever as I live out the rest my days that I wanted to spend with you.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Fatty McFatFat

Why am I fat again?

I originally looked like this before I started doing the Insanity workout in 2012.

These are also pics before my top surgery so bare with me.

I did all that work from 2012- 2014 to look like this…

I speak about my original weight loss here. My top surgery was completed by Dr. Weiss in NYC. I speak of that experience here.

Now in 2018 this is me..

That’s two different people there!

I am just in complete utter shock at how much weight I’ve gained.

I’ve been through the ringer in my life to this point since 2014. I’ve lost friends, lovers and my own self respect.

Just in December, I got hurt at work so this has limited me even further in the work that I can do. My diet was crap because I was so depressed with my lack of movement. I used food as a means to get pleasure when I was bored or stressed.

Now there’s Fatty McFatFat!

The next 60 days, I’m going to work on changing my life around. Getting arms and back definition is highly important to me as a man.

Things can’t stay the same!

Growth and progress forward is the only option.

On another note, I am currently messing around with the idea of a clothing line. It could be a great personal venture for me.

My clothing will be a way to present my individuality to the world.

This may even cause me to come out eventually and not live as a stealth transman.

I have to give even less fucks and do what I have to do. This could be my gold mine in disguise!

Just think of the possibilities!

Everyone has something unique about oneself. At times for me that’s the biggest thing I feel that sets me apart from others. Being a transgender male that is.

I am not ashamed of transitioning at all. That would be a pussy move.

Embracing my status internally has always worked for me. I may need to rethink some of my thoughts. I know my thinking originated from fear which I need to overcome to live my best life possible.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Gettin’ The Bag 

Laid back (with my mind on my money and my money on my mind)

Whatever endeavor I go into in terms of real estate and the weed market, perseverance will be key.

I’m leaving behind the emotional baggage in the past and getting the money bag…

I’ll end up like Drake, crying and singing all the time on records if I don’t let go of unhappiness and baggage.

That’s my dude though and I listen to all his music but I’m like who broke his heart!

Jeez!

I have to learn to catch myself “Draking” and cut most of that crap out of my character. You don’t win in life like that.

Anyway off the lightskin shit!

I will give no fucks about anyone’s issues but my own…

It’s time to get the MONEY!

I COME FIRST!

Money will come in at a close second…

Then my family, because I will use the money to take care of the small family I got…

The Bag gotta come first!

On to other things…

It felt so exhilarating to work out yesterday!

I am SORE as fuck!

From sickness to work injuries, everything has gotten in my way of working out the way I really want to.

No more excuses!

In 2018, big changes have to be made including being clear from the weed fog I’ve been in for a decade. It’s already the late afternoon and I’m completely sober!

Maybe the weed has lost its novelty…

It can be quite boring without weed since I don’t drink alcohol like that…

Even feeling like that, my mental clarity is of utmost importance to move into the next decade of my life.

I will be FIERCE!

I will DOMINATE!

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

2018: The Weed Monster Must Go!

After being sober for most of New Years Eve, I took like 5 pulls of a blunt before I went to church.

(I go to church to support my wife. Not really keen on the religion scene but everyone has the right to believe in what they want)

It was SOOO gratifying to just feel myself slowly being released from the WEED MONSTER. I heard Lil Scrappy mention the weed monster some years ago on an episode of Love and Hip Hop Atlanta. He went to rehab to get a better grasp on his habit. It was hard to understand at first in my younger 20’s until I felt myself get hooked by it. There were so many mornings I woke up and couldn’t function without getting my wake and bake on.

It was FUN AS FUCK!

IT WAS A FUCKING ROLLER COASTER RIDE!

As I get older and wiser, I see how much I was consuming!

I notice how it could be a problem…

Along with any activities I did like going to school, beating off, (tmi I know lmao) hanging out with friends or even going to bed at night I had to smoke a blunt or 2.

I spent most of my 20’s with my Head in the Clouds….

I know to some that is horrible, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I learned so much. I was able to open and explore my mind beyond imagination.

As I get older though, I’m noticing my body ALOT more and how I function. I feel so foggy in the head when I wake up until I smoke. That’s NOT going to be my default feeling in the morning anymore. I am going to release myself from this demon and void in my heart.

I am going to smoke today but it will be on my terms. I smoke the weed not the other way around!

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Starting in 2006, I used weed to fill a gaping hole in my heart. It grew exponentially into this massive black hole that has left me with such anger along with strong emotions inside me.

This blog will help me forgive myself so I can become the great man I will grow into with my 30’s over the horizon. I am not afraid of old age but I embrace it. I do not miss being a young teenager with low self esteem trying to find myself. It was fun being young with the perfect immune system and strong bones that heal in a couple months though. I do miss that as my bones now ache on the daily like an old person. I wouldn’t change it for the world because it means life is still in my body.

*If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

*If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

Smile Everyday!

I’m learning no matter what to be authentic and be 100% ME!
I realized that it has been a while since I spoke on my transition so here is an update:

  • I made 6 years 3 months on testosterone this month
  • I’ve actually grown some hair on my face! Most of it is on my chin and I have a visible mustache (WINNING!)
  • I take myself more seriously…as a man
  • I’m ridding myself of the extra emotional ways of the past. There’s no need to be so serious all the time…

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.

     Ughh!!! What A Drag! 

    I was reading some of my old blogs….

              THEY WERE BORING!

    I SEE WHY no one would want to read those long ass passages. I’m also seeing why I was left out of a lot of shit coming up. 

    I tried so hard to not be an overbearing asshole like my parents….

    I forgot who I was and what I needed out of life. A little mixture of nice and asshole has led me to become a nasshole.

    Yea I know its a bit corny but let me explain…

    A little bit of both in life can save you time, money and heartbreak from all types of relationships. You will happily avoid all assholes, manipulators, and energy vampires.

    I have definitely learned my lesson to laugh at evil and keep it moving. NOTHING is worth the millions of dollars I’ll make in the future.

    *If you’re looking for transition related material click here.

    *If you’re interested in my Entrepreneurial endeavors, take the next step here.